Levi remembered all their intimate times together in haunting detail. Of course he did, how could he not pathetically replay them in his head when he wanted to get off? Hanji had made the call for them to "keep their distance" and he, out of choices and robbed of agency by circumstances, had felt compelled to accept it, even though it was the biggest waste of his fucking life.
Years ago, he had sworn to live what was left of his life with no regrets. But now he had regrets, big fucking regrets, and they grew by the minute. Regrets of not holding on to her when it mattered. Regrets of time speeding away from them. Regrets of having to watch her suffer in that tiring position that brought her little joy and would get her killed too early. And not least, regrets of being born on an island into a race that was cursed to be hunted down and obliterated by nations far more powerful than them.
Were her hands shaking on the buttons of his shirt because she, too, felt weighed down by the inevitability of their fate? Levi found himself precariously short of breath and unable to peel his eyes off her face.
"You should take better care of yourself, idiot," Hanji murmured, her eyes on the bruises that she was beginning to uncover, a faint blush spreading on her cheeks under his scrutiny. How could anyone be this pretty?
He was so fucked.
"Hanji," he croaked. "W... wait."
Her hands stilled on his shoulders. His fingers itched to touch her skin, to trace the contours of her nose, her lips, her eyebrows. Yes... fucked.
"Why?" She whispered.
A thousand reasons, all proof of his cowardice. He hated that they lived their lives next to each other yet apart, he hated that she had duties that ate her up, he hated their circumstances - but there were no alternatives, too much depended on them and on this mission. They needed to find Eren, they needed to steal the Titans from the Eldians that lived in Marley. They had no other option, even if their current plan was only going to buy them some time. Two years, five, at most ten?
"There is a good reason why you said we shouldn't...," he choked on his own words. We shouldn't fuck did not express what he really meant to say.
"Yes, there was," Hanji said and lifted her eyes to look into his. The one she had hurt so badly at Shiganshina was cloudy, almost gray - a strange eye he wasn't familiar with yet, it made her look mysterious and wise beyond her years. The other one that he knew very well shone behind her glasses with the color and warmth of molten sugar, with an expression that made him hopeful and very afraid at the same time. "But reasons change."
Don't do that, Levi thought, his knees turning to jelly.
He often relived their last time together in the gazebo behind the pink rose bushes at the Hange estate north of Stohess. Her glorious ass in the air, her legs spread for him, the wetness of her cunt, the scent of her in his nose and mouth, the way she moaned his name, all of this, it was better than any erotic fantasy he could dream up.
But... he did not only remember it for the sex and how good it had been. He also remembered it for what she had said to him, those words he dared not repeat because he didn't let himself believe she had meant them. Things had been crazy, Hanji had been overwhelmed by her new position as Commander... actually, he was sure she had not meant it, it was an at-a-whim utterance. Love? What a grand, useless word, standing between them like a wall.
"You're leaving again very soon," Hanji mumbled. "That's one reason."
"It's because I have to," he replied cautiously.
"I know," she acknowledged. "It's always that."
They both understood that all sorts of promises about the future were moot. What often haunted him were the what-ifs, the what-could-have-beens, the words unspoken and the decisions not taken. What if they had missed the right turn? She was so close, her shoulder warm underneath his hand, her lips glistening red and inviting. He wanted her, had always wanted her. And yet... he knew his hesitation to go for it was a grade-one idiocy but crossing the line she had drawn felt precarious and dangerous. He liked to trust his instincts, they had saved his life many times in the field.
"Would you rather I called Ernst or Jean or any of the others to help you bathe?" Hanji asked, drawing back a little.
"Fuck, no!" Levi exclaimed. Had she gotten the wrong impression?
"There we go," she swiftly finished unbuttoning his shirt, "that only leaves me. But shit, Levi."
She pulled the shirt off his shoulders, looking displeased. Yeah, he was badly bruised. Kinda impossible not to be when a hulk of a man battered you incessantly.
"It doesn't hurt much," which wasn't the truth, but it would pass and he had endured much worse.
"Liar," Hanji prodded her finger into a particularly red spot on his biceps and he winced. "So you wanted to fight because you were bored or what?"
"Not really," Levi shrugged, watching how she unwound the bandages around the knife wound. "I... er..."
Why was talking to her about personal things so hard? He had wanted to explain himself, his plans to set aside money, but his reasons suddenly seemed silly to him. Maybe it didn't matter anymore why he had opened up a boxing school in lowtown, it was already a thing of the past.
"You won't be bored starting tomorrow," she sighed. "I can only imagine how hard life in the internment zone is."
"No need to worry," he turned around to turn off the water that flowed steadily from the golden faucets, gushing through unseen pipes in the walls. Yes, golden. Doctor von Bergmann was a man of ridiculous tastes apart from everything else that Levi hated about him. So Hanji did not share a room with him? Clearly, the doctor would do anything in his flabby power to change that fact. He might try to hide his keen interest behind gentle expressions, but he sure did not manage to fool Levi! He was as randy as they came.
"Will you keep living here?" Nonchalantly asked... but who was he trying to fool. The thought of Hanji being touched by those huge, white hands...
"Why, are you jealous?"
Hanji, thinking it was a joke, was laughing when Levi swiveled around to glare at her. Yeah, he was jealous, only an absolute dolt wouldn't realize what this ugly feeling churning in his stomach meant. Hanji, the four-eyed idiot, stopped laughing upon seeing his face.
"Oh," she said, frowning. "I didn't realize."
"I'm not jealous," stupidly, Levi was suddenly ready to defend this obvious lie to the grave, "why should I be? You are my Commander and you can spend your time with whomever you choose."
"Yes, I know that," she looked to the side. "But Ernst and I..."
"Stop talking about him," he began to open his pants. This was getting stupid. He needed to wash, then he needed to sleep. Alone. It was the sensible thing, get at least some hours of sleep before the next phase of the plan tomorrow. It made him wonder why she was here? She was watching him closely, expectantly? Maybe because she was horny, he concluded. Some women got very horny when they saw men fight, he knew that for a fact. Should he be pleased she was here because she wanted a good romp?
"He's an ally," she insisted. "You are much more."
Uhhhhhh, like he could do anything but turn into an awkward teenager when she sweet-talked him!
"Yeah, I know," he mumbled and quickly dropped his pants and underpants, suddenly feeling like he was out of his league. What did "much more" mean?
"Ouf," she exclaimed, maybe because his backside was bruised as well, maybe because she liked the view. The woman had to make up her mind what she wanted. Reasons changed? Yes, they did, but for him, everything had always remained the same.
The water was scalding hot but he put his right leg in, then the other and quickly lowered himself into the generous tub. It hurt. Pressing his eyes shut, he tried to relax his muscles, one by one, and gnawed his teeth until his countless abrasions stopped stinging.
"Should I wash your hair?" Hanji asked softly.
"Whatever," Levi replied, opening his eyes a tiny slit. Without further ado, she knelt down behind him... Hanji-smell engulfed him. A lot of it. Greedily, he inhaled as much as he could. Well, this was not likely going to end with him sleeping alone.
"Who cut it for you?"
"I cut it myself."
"It looks good like this. A little longer."
She began to massage his scalp resolutely with water and soap, careful not to touch his wound. Levi wanted to melt. Or purr. Leaning into her touch a little was what he ended up doing. After rinsing the soap out carefully, her hands wandered down to his neck and shoulders, expertly kneading tense muscles. The touch made him get hard elsewhere - it took that little from her - but there was nothing he had she hadn't seen and he wasn't a modest person to begin with.
She continued undeterred. So she really wanted that romp it seemed, huh. He definitely wasn't going to resist - he wasn't a masochist much.
"I get what you're saying," Hanji murmured, her hands stroking down his chest. Leaning forward like this, he could feel her breasts pressing against his head. Wouldn't her shirt get all wet? "I understand that you are asking yourself what has changed. It wasn't easy, but I still believe it was the right decision. You make me lose my reason, Levi."
"And you think you don't need your reason now?"
"I will get my reason back tomorrow after you leave."
Great. What if I am the one who doesn't?
She stood up and began to unbutton her own shirt, blushing a little when he tilted his head to look at her, his own face turning warm. "I need to wash too."
"This tub isn't big enough for two."
"Looks big enough for you and me."
Not many things had changed about Hanji since she had become the Commander of the Survey Corps. She was still excitable and crazy. Insanely smart yet often stupid. But she smiled or laughed less than she used to. She pondered consequences before she acted. And she was very bossy. Which he weirdly kinda liked.
"If you say so, Commander," Levi leaned back so that the water covered his chest. What a mess this was going to be...
"Drop the title, Levi," she commanded. "Don't use it to put an artificial distance between us."
As if it was that easy... but when she shed her shirt, her bra and her pants, it suddenly was.
Hanji's body was pleasantly familiar to him, but that did not dampen the impact of seeing it again in its full naked glory. Her breasts, the areola several shades darker than her skin, her nipples small and perky. The triangle of dark hair between her legs, hiding the pink folds of her pussy. Her strong, shapely legs. Her belly button. Her muscular arms. The faint scars on her skin.
Just... beautiful.
"So you are glad to see me," she winked with a nod towards his very pronounced erection that protruded from the water like a battle cannon aimed at Titans. She set aside her glasses.
"I can't promise a good performance," Levi grumbled. He was out of practice, his hand didn't count, all he did was jerk off fast and furious while thinking of her, impatient to be done because it was miserable to live off memories.
"I just want to feel your skin against mine," she started to climb into the bathtub. "That's enough."
As if. Now he could smell her musky excitement. Could he get even harder? That pretty pussy was soaking wet. Good, Hanji had always been very easy to please and he was sure he had not forgotten how to do that even if he didn't last long enough when they fucked.
"Ouch!" He complained when she lowered herself halfway onto him, poking elbows and knees into sensitive spots. "Told you it's not big enough!"
"Shush," she lowered her head towards his. "Will you stop nagging, you old grump?"
Her lips captured his, she wasn't in the least gentle. Pressing her full weight against him, she held his head with two hands and pushed her tongue into his mouth, to continue where they had been interrupted earlier. Her pussy rubbed against his very swollen member needily as she plundered his mouth, stroking his tongue into submission. He couldn't breathe and didn't mind. She can have all of me whenever she wants.
Sometimes, the most complicated things suddenly became this simple.
The tension in his body was almost unbearable as her rubbing became more and more frantic. With no warning she grabbed his throbbing dick with a guttural sound and put it against her opening.
"Are we... in a rush...?" He groaned deeply as she slid down on him, the whole length, the exquisite friction almost making him come. "By the gods of the world, Hanji... slow down!"
Not in the least listening, she moaned, threw her head back and began rocking her hips in a fast rhythm. He was going to explode. Obviously, he had underestimated the extent of her horniness.
"Needed... this...," she moaned, "so, so much! I... missed... you... like crazy! Levi, I... I..."
Hearing his name like this marked the end of his endurance. Maybe he should feel ashamed but at the moment he just felt a deep sense of awe that even at his age, he could still experience new heights of sexual pleasure. His orgasm started at the base of his spine, crept into his balls, contracted them to what felt like the size of hazelnuts, then exploded a load so strong it felt like his dick was catapulted forward, smashing against her contracting walls, spurting again and again and again and... he saw fucking stars when he was done.
Hanji collapsed on top of him breathing heavily, her pussy spasming around him. His luck that she had also finished very quickly. His hand on her back shook like crazy as he rubbed soapy water over her clumsily, he didn't want her to feel cold, but there wasn't enough water in the tub. His dick twitched inside of her, going limp but only until she moved. He was so sensitive he gritted his teeth but his member took notice of his environment and decided to get ready for more action. Fine with him.
They had one night.
"You are one horny Commander," Levi pressed forward slowly, yet steadily, reveling in the warm, soft feeling of her pussy walls squeezing him. "You could have asked me earlier to take care of that."
"You weren't around," her voice was hoarse, she put her head down on his shoulder, shivering a little. "Seeing you strutting around so cocksure during a riot made me lose it."
That pleased him immensely, the idea that she had not slept with anyone for months just like him, two idiots pining after each other, wanking to the memories of very good sex. Hmmm, thinking of her with her fingers buried in her folds was a turn on.
"Do you think of me when you masturbate?" He asked, remembering that she had mentioned erotic dreams, maybe they were about him?
"What kind of question is this," she sighed, slowly moving along with the rhythm he was setting. He squeezed her firm buttocks, extended a thumb to rub against her butthole. One day, maybe, he would fuck her up the ass if she let him. Some women liked it a lot. He had a feeling Hanji might be one of them.
"A straightforward one," he replied, moving his tongue along her neck, to her ear. "Do you think of me when you fiddle with your pussy? Me or my dick."
"Damn, yes," she moaned. "Happy?"
"Mhm," he hummed, turned on to full hardness now. "I know how to fuck, don't I."
"You want to hear it?"
"Mhhh, yes. Tell me what you think about when you rub yourself."
"I think about you," she whispered, "fucking me. Hard. Then licking me. Then fucking me again. All kinds of positions."
"Damn, you last that long?"
"Why?" She began to kiss his jaw, throat, chest. "You don't?"
"No," he had to admit. "My wanks last a few minutes at most. You, naked. Moaning my name... it's enough."
"Levi!" She moaned loudly.
Oh boy. He moved his hips faster, the water sloshing around them. A pathetic thought formed in his brain. Home. This feels like home.
###
There was a part of Zoë that felt a little ashamed. What would people think of her if they learned that she had invaded a subordinate's bathroom and had basically thrown herself at him?
She should have stepped out, accepted his reasonable reluctance to continue their sexual relationship as if the past year had not happened. She even knew he was right, it wasn't a good idea to get involved again, things had never been clear between them, it was too messy and emotionally challenging. Also, everything was different, she wasn't a mere soldier anymore that could have fun in the sack with no strings attached. In fact, the ropes that attached her to Levi were as thick as Wall Rose.
But she was tired. So tired of being alone, so tired of suppressing tears at night, of feeling helpless, overwhelmed, defeated. Levi was the only one who was still alive of their comrades, the only one who knew her, the only one she felt understood her burdens. With him by her side, she felt like she could keep going in this cruel world. Without him, everything felt calamitous, on the brink of collapse.
Trauma. That's what the books called her fear of losing everything and everyone, the crippling uncertainties that overcame her out of the blue. It's our reality, she wanted to tell those doctors. Their violent past might haunt all of them but only a mad person would look cheerfully into the future of Eldia.
The truth was: The only hope for her was Levi Ackerman. He would save humanity, even after she was gone. That's what she believed in. What kept her going.
Yet, those were highly complicated feelings she was reluctant to convey to him in any detail. Knowing Levi, he would certainly shy away from the implications, he was skittish like a wild horse. So yes, she chose sex with him because of how good it made her feel and because she did not need to explain anything. It was what they were good at together, no need to bring feelings into it even if they threatened to choke her right now. She felt closer to him than ever before, riding him more slowly the second time, in better control of her urges or at least pretending to be.
She had missed Levi more than she could express with words. It hurt in her chest, the force of their pairing, the inevitability of their parting. Losing herself so completely was embarrassing, but he wouldn't mind nor would he judge. He thought of her when he masturbated and that made her stomach flutter and turned her on at the same time, as if she needed more turning on.
Water was sloshing over the rim when their rhythm grew faster, more desperate. He fitted inside of her perfectly, rubbing that sweet spot just right. What an idiot would deny herself this? And yet, using him just for sex felt wrong when there was so much more that she wanted and needed from him.
"Levi," she moaned when she was about to come, and he slammed into her even harder, filling her up to perfection and giving her another one of those incomparable orgasms.
"We should probably get out," Levi remarked throatily after they had both come down from their second high, panting heavily. "The others will want to clean up too."
The others...! Zoë felt herself blush a deep crimson. They must have heard them!
"The water is getting cold and my skin is all wrinkly," he tried again when she didn't move. "My legs are falling asleep too."
"I'm sorry," she pressed out, attempting to exit the bathtub without leaning on him too much.
"Ouch!" he exclaimed again, boxing her ribs, "be careful, I'm sore all over!"
"I said I'm sorry," shit, she had a lump in her throat. His battered body shone through the soapy water. Was she that selfish? "I shouldn't have..."
"Shut up, four-eyes," he snapped, heaving himself upright, then shaking himself like a dog, spraying water droplets everywhere. "Damn, I'm starving."
Had he eaten at all today? Probably not. Quickly, Zoë grabbed the towel to dry herself perfunctory, then held it out to Levi. "We should get something to eat."
He sniffed the air approvingly. "Smells like apple pie."
Ernst's specialty. Levi stepped out of the tub and into the towel-embrace. Carefully, she rubbed him dry, her heart in her throat. He needed new bandages.
"And why did we not do this sooner?" He turned his face up to hers. His dear, dear face.
"I don't know," she whispered, though she knew exactly why. Levi made her lose her reason and she wouldn't get it back after he left again.
"Hey, don't worry," he lifted his hand to cup her cheek. "It's no big deal. You made me feel really good."
"Let's get something to eat," she swallowed. Her brain had not learned how to compensate for the input from her damaged eye. His image was slightly foggy, insubstantial. No big deal? He was very wrong. "So, er.... tonight...?"
"You can sleep in my bed, Hanji."
"But you need..."
"You will sleep with me in my bed, Hanji. That is what I need."