I SWUNG OPEN the closet door, scanning the cramped space. Books were piled haphazardly on the top shelf, taking up the only free vertical space left in my apartment. As I struggled to put on a sock without losing my balance, I rifled through the color-coordinated contents, trying to decide what to wear.
A baby blue sweater caught my eye, but I quickly dismissed it - too hot for today. Despite it being cooler than the recent days, it was still predicted to be balmy in the afternoon. I settled on a sleeveless white button-up corset top with delicate ruffles and a cute lace trim. It could be chilly on its own if the temperature dropped, but paired with a light jacket, it would be just right.
I grabbed the pair of black pants I had laid out on my bed and slipped them on with the top. I plucked my brush from the bedside dresser and ran it through my long hair, noticing it had almost reached my hips and was probably long overdue for a trim.
Swiftly, I examined my reflection in the vanity mirror and stole a glance at my watch. My old alarm clock had malfunctioned sometime in the night, and I was running slightly behind schedule. I applied a coat of lip gloss to my lips and nodded in satisfaction before quickly scurrying out of my apartment and heading towards my car.
As I sunk into the driver's seat, I silently thanked Mandy for having her radio blasting so early in the day. Without it, I might have overslept and been late. Although, to be fair, my inconsistent sleeping schedule was mostly to blame. I couldn't resist staying up late to finish reading a book that had just reached an irresistible one-bed trope.
I inserted the key into the ignition, ignoring the engine's sputtering cough and the puff of smoke that emanated from the back, and drove off.
❀ ❀ ❀
I pulled at the loose piece of skin around my nail, fixated on its movement down my finger. I winced when it finally tore off, a sharp sting radiating through my fingertip.
"Sorry I'm late," a woman burst into the room, her voice breathless as she juggled a sandwich in one hand, a notebook in the other, and a pen clamped between her teeth. She plopped down on the emerald, velvet chair in front of me.
"Zahra, how are you?" she asked nonchalantly, placing her things on the desk. "I was so surprised when you called for an appointment. It's been a while since we've seen each other."
"I'm good, Dr. Linneker," I greeted her with a smile. "How are you today?"
"Oh, you know, same old, same old." She waved her hands, the notebook slipping from her grasp and tumbling to the ground. Papers scattered across the floor, and she scrambled to collect them. "Just another hectic day in the office, you know how it is."
"So," Dr. Linneker tapped the sheets of paper on the desk to line them up before sliding them in the paper tray on the corner of the desk. "What's been going on?" Her intense stare honed in on me, signaling that she was prepared to delve into the root of my call.
Straight to the point, as usual.
"The other day," I began hesitantly, feeling the weight of the words as they left my lips. Dr. Linneker's nodded for me to continue. "I experienced another episode," I elaborated, my voice cracking slightly with the memory of the overwhelming panic and fear that had consumed me.
"Really? It's been quite some time since you last experienced one." Her brows furrowed in concern while she leaned in slightly. "Could you share with me what occurred leading up to the attack?"
"I'm not entirely certain," I said, trying to conjure up the memory of that day at the bookstore. "I recall running into someone, and I believe she made some snide remark. However, I couldn't hear her properly."
She emitted a low hum and paused for a minute.
"Close your eyes," she instructed, and I complied, letting my eyelids flutter shut. "Take a deep breath," she prompted, and I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs with air. "Now, try to picture everything, and just let it flow out of you," she said softly, encouraging me to release my thoughts and feelings.
"Okay," I let out a gentle sigh before recounting the incident. "I was visiting a bookstore, filled with the smell of fresh coffee and adorned with these adorable cats just lounging about. After finishing my lunch, I got up and collided with a woman wearing a scowl. Despite my profuse apologies, I fumbled with the book I dropped and that's when the attack began. Her voice was all muffled and I couldn't make out her words properly, but I got the gist of it. My hands were shaking and my head felt light and dizzy."
"So you think this attack was triggered by the encounter with this woman?" Dr. Linneker asked, making a note on her notepad.
"I think so," I nodded. My shoulders were less tight and felt like a heavy load had been removed from them. "I called you because I just couldn't believe I'd had one after all of this time."
"It's completely normal to have setbacks, Zahra. The important thing is that you keep trying," Dr. Linneker smiled, reassuringly. "As per your narration, I do not think that the recent interaction triggered your attack. You have always been averse to confrontations and usually maintain your composure in such situations. While some may attribute this to social anxiety, I don't believe that's the root cause here. I suspect that this attack is a sign that your body has not fully healed from the accident, and your stress levels are exacerbating the situation."
"I understand," I replied, letting her words settle in my mind. "What can I do about it?"
"Firstly," she flicked the glasses sitting on top of her red hair to cover her eyes. "We have already talked about your strict study and how you thrive academically. I know you use this as a coping mechanism—which is fine—but I want to make sure you have other methods. Have you done anything else that I suggested in one of our last sessions?"
"Yes, I have been trying to incorporate some of the techniques you suggested into my routine, like deep breathing exercises." I explained to Dr. Linneker. "Though I haven't been as consistent with them lately, since I thought I was better."
Dr. Linneker offered a nod of approval. "That's a great start. I would also suggest exploring mindfulness and meditation practices. And regarding any academic stress you may be facing, it's crucial to find a healthy balance between studying and self-care activities like exercise, and spending time with friends and family."
"I'll keep that in mind," I replied.
"I want you to commit to this, Zahra," she said with a warm smile. "Recovery is a process, and there's no shortcut, but I have faith in your determination to overcome this. Remember, no matter how overwhelming it may seem, don't lose hope. We'll work through this together and get you back on track."
"Absolutely," I vowed with conviction. "The thought of experiencing such vulnerability again is unbearable. I don't want to feel that weak again."
"Right," she cleared her throat. "That's all from me. Is there anything else you want to ask or talk about? It can be anything. I am here to listen."
"No," I said. "That's everything, really."
"Okay," she replied. "Just remember, I'm only a call away. Whenever you need me, I'll be here."
"Thank you, Dr. Linneker. I appreciate your help and support," I said, giving her a grateful smile as I stood up from my seat.
"One last thing before you go, Zahra," Dr. Linneker's sympathetic smile made me feel uneasy because I already knew what she was going to say. "Please learn to forgive yourself. What happened that day wasn't your fault."
My stomach dropped like a lead weight, unleashing a storm of thoughts that I didn't want to confront at that moment. Hearing the same words again and again, I was growing tired of the endless attempts to convince me of something that my brain would never allow me to believe.
❀ ❀ ❀
I grimaced down at the five measly crumpled notes in my hand. They were all I could conjure up after scouring through all my pockets and bag.
"Zahra?" A familiar voice startled me, and I dropped my loaf of bread.
I frowned and bent down to pick it up, hoping it wasn't squashed.
"Oh," I turned to the voice, and there stood Gianna, the bubbly woman I met the other week at the book club, her smile lighting up her entire face. She looked carefree and relaxed, now sporting a pair of loose jeans and a vintage ringer tee instead of the smart attire I met her in. "Hi, Gianna."
"How are you? We missed you at the book club last week," she said cheerfully. "But I have to say, it was a lot better than usual. Would you believe that we actually discussed this week's book choice?"
I arched an eyebrow in surprise and quickly stepped aside, allowing a man to pass me in the narrow aisle. "Is that so?" I asked, my curiosity piqued, as I turned back to face Gianna.
Gianna nodded eagerly, her blonde hair flowing like rays of sunlight with her every movement. "The cherry on top was that Mr. Vitale actually made an appearance!"
My heart skipped a beat. "Romero Vitale?"
Gianna giggled. "The one and only. He was only there for a second, but it was enough to make my day. He looked like he was on a mission. Asked his assistant something before vanishing to whatever dark corner he came from."
"That's surprising," I said. "Didn't you tell me he's some kind of social recluse?"
"Exactly, that's what was so shocking! But now that you mention it, I do wonder why he did show up." She looked confused, and her red painted lips formed a pout. "Whatever the reason, the few pictures online don't do him justice. Those years of isolation definitely treated his face well."
"I wouldn't know," I laughed. I wasn't sure if Romero wished for our arrangement to remain confidential or not, but it was better to play it safe and not mention it.
"Why didn't you come, Zahra?" Gianna asked, tilting her head.
"Um, I had something come up," I explained with a sheepish smile, my eyes darting around the room for a second. Professor Miller mustn't have said anything yet then.
"Well, it doesn't matter." She waved her hands dismissively. "You simply must come next time, okay? I need someone to talk to who isn't a middle-aged man."
I chewed my bottom lip, uncertain. "I don't know."
"It will be fun I promise," Gianna said, giving me her easy-going smile. "I don't want to pressure you, but it's Halloween-themed and there will be a free buffet."
My stomach rumbled at the mention of free food.
"Alright," I chuckled, surrendering to her infectious enthusiasm. "I'll come, but only because you're so persistent."
"Great!" Gianna clapped her well-manicured hands excitedly. "And we're reading Frankenstein. Perfect for the spooky season, don't you think?"
"Absolutely," I grinned. Gianna was so lively and animated, it was hard not to feel energized around her.
We parted ways with a warm goodbye, and I made my way towards the checkout. My arms were full with a loaf of bread, a bag of chocolate chips, and two jars of jammy while my mind was already racing trying to recall which pile of books the pages of Frankenstein were buried under.
While the cashier rang up my items, I slid my phone out of my pocket and composed an email to Professor Miller, informing him that I had reconsidered and decided to continue attending the club.
After I paid for my things, I reached for my folded up recyclable bag and began packing my items. I carefully placed them into the bag with the bread on top to avoid damage. Once everything was secure, I slung the bag to lie in the crack of my elbow and left the store to make my way back to the car.
As I approached my car, I noticed the slightly ajar window. It was strange, as I always made sure my windows were up and locked. I quickly glanced around the car, checking for any signs of a break-in or anything suspicious underneath it, but found nothing out of place.
Sliding into the driver's seat, I shrugged off the unsettling feeling of the slightly ajar window and attributed it to my morning rush. I made sure to push the lock button for added reassurance before starting the engine, and breathed a sigh of relief as the car grunted to life.
When I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment complex and prepared to exit my car, a glint of white caught my attention from the pull-down mirror. Intrigued, I flipped open the mirror and a small object tumbled into my lap. It was a blank white domino tile, adorned with a single black line down the center and devoid of any numbers. I examined it closely, flipping it over to check for anything, but found only the manufacturer's engraving. A chill ran down my spine as I realized that someone had been in my car and the open window wasn't a product of my own carelessness. I slipped the tile into my bag on the passenger seat and remained unmoving. Who would break into my car and leave a blank domino tile? Was it a message of some sort? Was somebody I know playing a trick on me? Should I go to the police? But what could they possibly do with just a single piece of a game and no other evidence?
The silence of the parking lot and the weight of the unknown settled heavily upon me. I felt vulnerable and exposed, as if I was being watched from every direction. I quickly scanned the surrounding area, but saw nothing out of the ordinary.
I stepped out of the car and took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. It was probably nothing, just a prank or a random occurrence. But the nagging feeling in my gut refused to go away. I walked up the metal stairs to my apartment and hurriedly unlocked the door and stepped inside, closing it behind me. I took a few more deep breaths, trying to calm down.
I'm sure this was all just a big understanding and it was just my anxiety fuelling my head's disarray with paranoia. There was nothing to worry about. There must be a logical reasoning to the domino being inside my car. I just needed a good night's sleep, that's all.
With that thought in mind, I made my way to my bedroom and collapsed onto my bed, exhaustion finally catching up to me. Yet, the thoughts still lingered in my mind as I fell deeper into slumber, a faint feeling of unease gnawing at me. What if there was something more sinister at play? I tossed and turned, unable to shake the image of the blank domino tile from my mind. And as I finally drifted off into a restless sleep, I couldn't help but theorize that this could have been the beginning of a dangerous game, one that had already started, with the domino already fallen. I just couldn't figure out what role I played in it or what the rules were.
tysm for reading!! fun fact - gianna's character is inspired by the song hell n back by bakar