(TW: mention of disregard for self, harmful behavior and depression.
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, SH, and/or substance abuse: first and foremost you are not alone. There are plenty of others who know and understand, and you don't have to suffer alone in silence. Don't be afraid to seek help, even if it's easier said than done. Remember you are loved, you are deserving of love, you are valued, seen, and you are heard.
I wish nothing but good days and endless support coming your way.)
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"Honestly Charlie I just *hiccup* I don't get people." You slurred. The poor demoness crouched down beside you in a stall, holding your hair and rubbing your back while your upset stomach sent what was left of your last drink right the fuck back up. "They say they want ya around and -hueeh- tell you all these sweet things. Only to turn around and toss ya aside like you're nothing but a handful of kernels at the bottom of a popcorn bag."
You spat excess saliva and sat back up. Charlie looking upon you with sympathy as she grabbed some bathroom tissue to wipe your mouth with. "And I believed it!!" You continued. "I hung on his every word cause I'm such a sap. What did I get out of it? A whole lotta *hiccup* heartache. That's what."
"Fuck 'em, babe." A stranger had commented from somewhere else in the bathroom. Presumably one of the two other demonesses who were snorting lines of something over by the sinks. "You's a bad bitch, you don't need him."
"Thank you!" You called out before stifling another gag. Hoping that by now for sure your puking had stopped and now you would feel a tiny bit better. But that's not to say you didn't plan on continuing to drink right after you walked out of there, either. "And the nerve. The fucking nerve of him to just waltz right up to me like nothing ever happened! He's all happy and smiley and shit..."
"Well he was, until you slapped the grin right off of him." Charlie commented.
"I regret it," you said, raising your index finger to further stipulate your point. "Cause it wasn't as hard as I could've, man. I would've... Mmph. And then, he tells me to go ask Reg what 'really' happened. The fuck does that even mean?"
"Sure is a bit vague," she agreed. Letting go of your hair now that you were done vomiting and proceeded to smooth out the strands for you. "Why wouldn't he just tell you himself if something was that important?"
"Probably cause he's a fucking coward." You grumbled. "Afraid of commitment and probably afraid of confrontation, too. And Reggie tells me everything, like I told you he's like a brother to me. So I don't know what the fuck that guy is talking about. I just wanna take his dumb, annoying, handsome face and just..." you trailed off and clenched your fist, pressing it into your other open palm to imitate a punching action.
"Easy there, girl. I know you do, but try not to let him get to you. He already took such a big chunk of your time and energy, don't give him any more. Don't let him keep draining you like that." She said encouragingly. Offering you a sweet, gentle smile as she tried to comfort you. "You ready to go back out there?"
"I think so. Could use a mint, hah..."
"I have some gum here in my handbag." She offered sweetly.. "We'll touch up your makeup a little too before we go back out."
"Is it bad?" You asked.
"It's salvageable, but... You're definitely wearing more mascara on your cheeks than on your lashes right now." She chuckled. "Come on."
"'Waterproof', my ass. Alright."
Charlie helped you to your feet and made sure you weren't swaying or stumbling over your own feet before opening the stall door for the two of you. The only other demonesses in the restroom on their way out, the one who had spoken to you before had turned to look at you as she was walking out. "Love you ya beautiful bitch!" She called to you. "Don't let anyone dull your sparkle!!"
"Love you too, kind stranger!" You smiled at them from the reflection in the mirror. They flashed you another smile before leaving you and Charlie alone. "There was one thing I always loved about bar and club culture," you said to Charlie with a chuckle. "Drunk women in the bathroom relentlessly supporting other drunk women."
"It is nice." She laughed. The blonde sifted through her bag and began pulling out a couple things; translucent face powder and a couple mini/travel sized makeup brushes and items."Face me for a second?"
You complied and turned away from the mirror and gave the princess access to your face. "I think you're so pretty," she said with an impish smile as she began gently removing the unwanted black streaks off your cheeks first. "You don't even need to be wearing it anyway but I get that you do it because you like it."
"I see it as an art. It's just fun." You answered. Trying to keep still so she can adjust and touch up what was already there. "But I appreciate the compliment."
"Well of course!!" She said with a bubbly tune. "We'll try to make this quick, though. I'm sure Al's probably wondering where you went off to."
"Why do you care what he's thinking about?" You mused with curiosity.
"Well, because you like each other." She shrugged. "I mean... You seem very close, I'm really glad you two reconciled after that night at my father's."
"Yeah." You agreed. "Closer than ever, since that night."
"Oh I noticed. You're always smiling at each other, and hanging out..." she trailed off. Her smile morphing into a little knowing smirk as she worked. "I've also noticed lately in the morning he always smells a little like your perfume when he comes in. And you started smoking his go-to brand of cigarettes?" She asked. Catching a glimpse of the label on the pack that was visible from your hoodie pocket as she started putting her cosmetics back in her purse.
You smirked back, however yours was more bashful.
"So you finally caught on, huh?" You hummed. Flashing her an amused grin while a natural blush began to dust your cheeks, complimenting the subtle yet flattering amount of rouge Charlie had added. "Surprised it didn't click sooner when you saw me start wearing his clothes."
"Well you also wear Angel's clothes, too." She explained with a shrug. "But I was still definitely surprised to see it. You seem happier though, with him. But what you told me about being afraid of your feelings for him-"
"I know that part probably seems confusing but trust me, all doubt was cleared up." You gently interrupted. "He felt the same fondness that I did. Turns out it wasn't an act at all, he wasn't lying one bit."
"You're sure?" She asked, furrowing her right brow as she looked at you.
You raised your hand, and gestured to your gloves as you pulled it taught. "I would have felt it if he was being dishonest." You explained.
Her eyed widened and her mouth formed a small "o", before smiling excitedly. "Awhhh!! Damn he can't hide nothing from you, now." She said with a little laugh. You giggled and nodded.
"I know, he better watch himself." You chuckled. "Nah he's been nothing but sweet. It's actually kind of nice. Never thought I'd feel this way again and be so happy to embrace it."
"Well I'm glad." She hummed. "Everyone deserves to feel loved. And I think it's awesome that you and him get to experience it together. Come on now, let's get back out there."
~~~~~~flashback~~~~~~
"Total is 34.95$. Would you like a bag?"
"Nah." You handed the employee a couple twenties and awaited to receive your change. The cast on your left arm feeling a bit cumbersome as you adjusted your drawstring bag that was hanging off of that arm.
The employee cashing you out said nothing. Taking notice of the rather cold and expressionless look in your eyes he merely just did his job without any more formalities or pleasantries. Which was honestly fine by you, you weren't in the mood to make small talk. As a matter of fact, you weren't really in the mood to talk at all.
Or to smile.
Or perform.
Or to even eat.
But what did sound somewhat appealing, was the thought of some whiskey. Especially chilled; cold liquor always hit differently, so much smoother. You made a mental note to yourself to store the bottle in the little freezer in your trailer, later. But for now, warm would do just fine.
You took the small amount of change back as well as your receipt and just shoved it into your bag, along with the bottle you purchased and closed it shut. Slinging the loosely hanging straps over your other arm so the weight was evenly distributed on your back. Without as much as a mere glance you walked right back outside.
You'd been out of the hospital for a week, now. Still tending to broken bones, still feeling a storm cloud hanging over you at all times. You still couldn't perform -or even exercise much- due to your limited mobility; and it was beginning to make you a bit stir-crazy. So while everyone was busy getting ready for tonights show, you looked up on your phone where the nearest liquor store was in that area and took a little walk.
You were in a dark place; that much was clear.
As a matter of fact, it was a little of an understatement.
Your family and friends would come by regularly to visit or say hi to you when you weren't eating meals with them- which was scarce. And sometimes you appreciated the company. Especially if Shannon, Reg, or Paul were the ones visiting. They were always happy to see you too, it felt strange to not be performing with you. Especially strange not seeing you around as much. Since you were brought back from the hospital you almost shut down completely.
They were also the only ones that knew the full extent of what you were dealing with emotionally, aside from your parents. They had all been as supportive as they knew how to be. As depressed as you were it felt good knowing you had people to support you. People you grew up with and were practically family. People who wouldn't leave...
On top of the emotional scars, you were still left recovering from the lingering effects of the incident.
Ribs were still healing and hurt every time you moved too quickly; or cried, especially. As a result, it left the entire left side of your abdomen to be a canvas smeared in shades of red, blue, green and yellow. Still bruised from the injuries to your ribs however gravity had pulled some of the excess blood downward; making the sight look even worse than it actually was. It was healing fine and the bruising would go away eventually, but it looked absolutely gaudy and felt just as rough.
Your head still hurt, and occasionally you had dizzy spells, but it was not as intense as it was while you were in the hospital. Those days were awful, vomiting from a concussion while dealing with the pain of three fractured ribs was not exactly a fun time. Pain relievers were never a vice you particularly opted for, but they were like a god-send when you were at your worst physically. Fortunately now you were at a point where over the counter meds could take some of the edge off; but you were still in rough shape.
For the first few days upon your arrival back to the circus you locked yourself in your trailer and tried to shut the world out. You barely got out of bed, only doing so to shower, brush your teeth and relieve yourself. People would come by and sometimes bring by food to make sure you were eating. Which, you only ate little of. You didn't want to eat. You didn't want to leave your bed. You just wanted the life you almost had. You wanted to see Johnny again, and you wanted to meet your baby; and give them all the love you were once ready to give them.
If none of that, you wanted to go back to that day you noticed him staring so that you could have ignored him all together and avoid the heartache.
The sound of a small bell had alerted the clerk of your exit as you pushed the glass door open and walked outside. The sun was setting and the air was cooling down, felt good to be outside for once. Cicadas quieted their screams while frogs and crickets began to voice their own signature calls. Filling the air with pleasant noises, almost drowning out the sound of traffic near by.
A bottle and two brand new packs of smokes in your bag, you were ready to venture back.
Shannon made a point about how you went so long without smoking when you found out you were pregnant that you could have just continued to not do it anymore. You couldn't argue with the "why not keep going" logic, but truth be told you weren't really in a state where you cared about your health. In fact, you almost welcomed the idea of disregarding it completely. Of course that was the depression making you feel like that, it could be very persuasive.
It wasn't a terribly long walk back. Maybe about twenty minutes or so, but it didn't feel like it was that long. When those familiar tents came into view you could see that nearby was a lot filled with cars, some individuals rushing into the big top with their families and/or significant others. You could hear music playing from inside, and of course saw all your side-show friends lurking by the entrance to greet all the attendees. Barely sparing it a glance you kept on walking through the backyard made up of smaller tents and caravans and made your way to your little home.
Opening the trailer door the air inside was stale and a bit heavy. Perhaps warmer than the air outside. You scowled and walked over to the window beside your bed and cracked it open, letting some fresh air in as you sat down. Wincing and grasping at your side as soreness seared through you from sitting down harshly and twisting to face the window.
Once the edge of the discomfort subsided you took your synch-bag off and took the contents out. Setting the bottle and everything else down onto the small table in front of you. Taking a slow, deep breath you eyes the contents within the embossed glass. Amber colored fluid filled all the way up to the top of the bottle-neck. As you unscrewed the cap you wondered if it would take your mind off of things a little. Or maybe it would help with some of the pain your body was dealing with.
A single tear intruded down your face as you raised the bottle to your lips.
"Please make me feel better..."
~~~~~~flashback over~~~~~~
"Darling?"
You perked up when Alastor's voice gently demanded your attention. He had seen you run off after your encounter with Charlie running after you and had momentarily left the rest of the group to go wait for you outside the door.
You let out a little sigh as you offered a smile at the friendly face. "Hey."
Charlie gave you a look, silently asking if you were good to which you gave her a nod of approval. She gave you a thumbs up in response and went back to the table.
"Is everything alright?" He wondered. Furrowing a brow as he peered into your eyes. His own filled with a sense of concern. "Angel Dust mentioned you were upset, did something happen?"
"Well, yeah sort of... Someone came up to me, and-"
"Who, my dear?" He asked. Well, pried really. A bit of distortion weighing within his voice had let you know he was already preparing to do something a little evil on your behalf.
"My ex." You answered cautiously.
His eye twitched a little. And his smile grew bigger, tighter.
"Please, don't do anything..." you asked with a small sense of urgency. "Can we go outside for a minute? I need some air. I'll fill you in on what happened. Just please don't hurt anyone, I'm okay. Really."
The bucks expression softened a little as he took in your plea, and took a quiet breath in to calm his own defensive nerves.
"Are you certain you're alright?" He asked calmly.
"I swear." You nodded.
He nodded as well. Taking your word for it and took your hand. "Come along then. Let's go outside."
Leading you through the crowd you kept your gaze downward. Not wanting to look through the building full of demons and chance locking eyes with your ex again. People steered clear of the path of the radio demon as he walked through so neither of you really had to maneuver around anybody. Once you reached the exit he held the door for you and let you walk out first.
The sky was dark and the air still smelled of ash and sulfur -go figure, there is no fresh air in hell. But it was still nice to step out of the loud and crowded environment for a minute.
"Want to tell me what's wrong, sweetheart?" He asked again. This time with much more softness. You were sure that underneath the surface he wasn't thrilled about you being approached, however he knew you didn't need him flying off the handle right now.
"He came up to me and he acted like I wouldn't have been angry to see him." You explained. Looking off to the side as you gathered your thoughts and tried to put them into words. "Guy literally seemed like I'd be happy about the reunion. He even reached in to hug me. But I slapped him across the face and scolded him."
Alastor let out a small little chuckle at the fact that you had laid a hand on them. Happy that you had done it. He remained quiet, letting you continue.
"He didn't understand why I was upset. And then he told me to ask Reggie why he thought I wouldn't have been upset. I don't know why he couldn't have just told me himself if something was that fucking detrimental, but..."
Al noticed the somber look returning to your eyes and clicked his tongue in sympathy. Leaning in to let you hug him as you wrapped your arms around his waist. "Do you wish to confront him? Or me to do it?"
"My ex? Or Reg?"
"Either, or both."
"Not really..." you admitted. "I don't wanna be upset anymore than I was. I don't wanna think about him right now."
"Alright. We don't have to." He assured you. Pulling away from the hug and resting his hands gently on your shoulders. "I'm sorry, I wouldn't be surprised if seeing him brought up a lot of memories. I want you to know that I'm here for you. Alright my dear?"
"Yes." You nodded. Sniffling a little as you repressed a soft cry. Not wanting to ruin the makeup touch-up Charlie just did. "Thank you, Alastor."
"Of course, my little darling." He smiled sweetly. "Would you like to go back in or would you like to go home?"
"I think maybe one more drink and call it a night."
"Alright, then. If that is what you want."
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"666-555-6656
To the moon and back,
Johnny"
You glared at the words on the little yellow note, your narrowed pointed gaze burning into the paper as you read it for the hundredth time. Still reeling over what had happened your mind had begun to seriously wonder what on earth that man was talking about earlier.
You weren't about to do it, but his comments had gotten you so curious you were almost tempted to call your ex up and ask him what he was talking about. You also were half tempted to humor his request and tell Reg what had happened. But not wanting to spoil the evening for him and everyone else, you kept it quiet.
Hearing Alastor turning the knob on the bathroom door, you tucked the piece of paper into your nightstand drawer.
"Alastor?" You asked quietly. Rolling over in bed and watching him as he came over to you, now in silk pajama bottoms and shirtless as he lifted up the covers and got underneath them with you.
"Yes, sweetheart?" He hummed. Summoning a book in his hand by just merely making a simple waving gesture. This one was a new one, you read the title that said 'Lord of the Flies'.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course." He said. Twisting his body to be facing you more, the closed book on his lap as he gave you his full attention.
"Will you get bored of me?" You asked.
Alastor blinked owlishly for a second and cocked his head to the side a little. "I beg your pardon, darling? Bored?"
You nodded. Looking down at your hands that anxiously twiddled and fidgeting. "Will you look for new entertainment when I'm not new and special anymore?"
"My love," he said. His ears drooping and brows upturned as he scooted over and patted his lap. You took the cue and leaned over, laying your head on his stomach as you curled up to him. He wrapped his arm around your back and hugged you close, cuddling you back.
"Y/n you know how much I love you." He offered. "I'm not going anywhere and I'm certainly not going to let myself lose you, either."
"What if the love fades and you don't want me anymore?"
"That isn't going to happen." He said simply.
"But you can't promise that..."
"I won't let our love fade. I don't want to lose it, I don't want to know a day without your love." He reassured you gently. "I'll fuel the spark between us until the day I'm wiped from this existence. You're not just some entertaining pass-time, darling. You're my forever. Forever. I'm not going anywhere."
You nodded. Knowing he was being sincere in his words as he tried to console you.
"It's late sweetheart, you've had quite the exciting evening. You ought to get some rest." He urged you gently. Reaching his hand up from your back to instead play with your hair. The action in itself was almost enough to make you want to close your eyes.
"Will you read to me again?" You asked. "Just till I fall asleep..."
He smiled down at you and gave you a little chuckle. "Anything for you, darling."