With one swift motion, blood drizzled into the bath. Each crimson droplet raced along the stark white surface before pooling to a stop at the drain, then slowly seeping down to later be washed away. It was almost as if the blood itself was excited to be released, and that's how Gracie felt too. But that feeling was fleeting faster than it ever had. Bloody fingers wrapped tightly around a piece of reflective glass, Gracie brought the makeshift blade to her arm again. Only this time, she couldn't find the courage to press down, her reflection stared back at her, and she'd had enough.
An overwhelming sense of shame and contrition called out from the back of her mind, Stella's words echoed; "Come and get me." The pain that usually brought Gracie some peace was only deepening her remorse. It was betrayal, she'd promised Stella she was done with it, yet here she was, stuck in a cycle of keeping her pain to herself over and over again.
There was another decision to be made, and this one came a little easier. After washing away the blood that had pooled around the drain, Gracie gathered her supplies and stumbled out of the tub, she took a breath and dropped everything into the trash can, covering it with wadded-up toilet paper. She turned to face the door and, not allowing herself a second to look back, ran from the bathroom and down the hall in search of her foster mother. Just as she reached the top of the staircase, Stella was making her way up.
"Hey, I was just coming to-" Her eyes landed on the blood that had started to seep through the cuff of Gracie's grey sweatshirt.
It was time to break the cycle.
"I'm sorry," Gracie said, "I think I need-" her voice trembled, "I need help," her shoulders dropped like a huge weight had been lifted just by reaching out.
Without saying a word, Stella grabbed Gracie's wrist, stemming the bleeding with her bare hand, she led her back into the bathroom where she rinsed away the blood and wrapped her arm with a bandage to match the other arm. Once she finished, she stepped back and looked at Gracie, whose bottom lip was quivering as she fought back tears, her head bowed in a mixture of shame and humiliation. The look in Stella's eyes pained Gracie, she looked disappointed, but also terribly sad.
"I'm sorry," she whimpered.
"No," Stella shook her head, "No, do not apologize," she stepped towards Gracie and took her hands, "You will get through this, I promise."
Gracie wondered how she could promise something like that, but she tried her best to have as much faith as Stella had.
"We'll get you an appointment with Dr. Ellis tomorrow and see if there's something more we can be doing to help you," she stood up again and led Gracie downstairs to the living room, "Come on, I'll get you some tea and we can sit and talk."
Stella's grip was so tight on Gracie's hand that she didn't know what to do with herself, she'd never felt so protected. Someone had her back.
"When people try to help me, I push them away. Well, that's what Dr. Ellis said. I guess I just find it hard to believe that I deserve help when I'm the one doing this to myself. Logically, I know that's not true but at the same time it- it's just hard. And I know that what I do—the self-harm—it's an addiction and it takes time to learn to control it or at least keep it from controlling me, but every time I think I'm on top of things, it's like the rug is pulled from under me," Gracie opened up as she sipped her herbal tea. She and Stella sat out in the garden.
"Did something happen today? That made you want to do it," Stella asked, taking a sip of her coffee. She was still holding Gracie's hand.
"Well," Gracie contemplated whether or not she could tell Stella, that would mean telling her about Rachel. Unless she found a way around it, "It's kind of stupid. I was sort of seeing someone, I mean, it wasn't anything official. And then I met a boy last night and got a bit carried away and I kissed him," her cheeks flushed red, "I just felt so guilty so I ended it with the other person. But it's not just that; I can't drag someone along with me while I go through all this trial stuff, it's not fair."
"It's not stupid, everything you're feeling is completely valid, love." It was clear by her voice that Stella wasn't thrilled to hear that her fifteen-year-old foster daughter had spent a drunken evening kissing a boy, but at least she wasn't judging her. "I think you were brave to end things, you're going through a lot," she said, "But this other person, do you like them?"
Gracie thought of Rachel, the morning they had spent in her room kissing, and how when their eyes met it felt like they were the only two people in the world, nothing else mattered.
"Yeah, I do. But it was all so confusing and I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I tried talking to Sarah and it caused the car accident, and right after that... the thing with John happened and suddenly my stupid love life didn't seem so important anymore," she held her tears in, she'd already cried enough for a lifetime, "But now I know I need to move forward, and this other person has helped me see who I am outside of all of the trauma."
"Why couldn't you talk to anyone about it, love?" Stella asked, curious as to what could be so shocking that it caused Sarah to take her eyes off the road.
"It's complicated, and you know me, I'm not big on opening up. But I'm working on it," Gracie said.
Stella and her wife were gay, they wouldn't have a bad reaction to finding out that Gracie may not be completely straight, but it was still a huge deal to Gracie. And it was even more confusing after the evening she'd spent with Jason.
All the talking had exhausted her and she'd felt like she divulged more information than necessary. "But thanks, for the tea and the talk, I'm gonna go take a nap."
Later that evening, Gracie and Danny were sitting in his room playing video games when Danny began to notice something wasn't quite right with Gracie. She'd always been a little quiet, but today she'd barely paid attention to the game, and now and then she would completely zone out, consumed by her thoughts.
"Hey, you're letting me win," he playfully nudged her, "Is everything okay?"
Gracie looked at him and shrugged, "Just distracted, I guess."
"Is it to do with the guy you were kissing last night?"
Her whole body cringed, "God, does everyone know about that?" Gracie blushed, and put the controller down, "Who told you?"
"Amy. Well, she told Elle and Ethan, and then Ethan told me," he grimaced, worried how Gracie would react to finding out their friends were a bunch of gossips.
"How did Amy find out? Was she there? This is a disaster," she buried her face in her hands.
"Her sister is in Maia's grade and she was there, I guess when a sophomore goes to a junior's party and makes out with a senior the word gets around especially when that sophomore is the new girl." So much for White Coast's 'positive environment'. "Gracie, none of us are judging you for it, if that's what you're worried about. It'll die down, something else will happen and everyone will be talking about that."
"It's not that. I can handle gossip," Gracie said, she took a breath and decided to talk to Danny honestly, "It's the kiss. I was sort of seeing someone. And I cut them off because I felt so bad about what I did and on top of that I didn't want to put them through all this trial stuff and I'm just such a mess I just-"
"Hey, relax," Danny said, "You can trust me, Gracie."
"The person that I was seeing wasn't a guy," Gracie chewed her bottom lip and waited patiently for a reaction, but Danny just sat there, smiling, the same friendly smile he wore on the day they met. "It was a girl, and I miss her."
"I see," he just looked at her, still smiling, "Thank you for telling me, I know it's not easy, coming out."
"But that's just it, I don't know if I am coming out," she whispered the last two words, worried the rest of the Tucker family might hear her. Now that she'd told someone about her feelings, she felt relieved, and so much closer to her foster brother. "I don't know what I am, and when I woke up this morning and remembered that I'd kissed a guy, I felt like I was cheating."
"Well it sounds to me like you have strong feelings for this girl, and if she likes you too then I think you can trust her to be at your side while you're going through all of this stuff," Danny smiled at Gracie.
His advice was solid, but Gracie was still confused. This was something she'd have to figure out by herself.
"How do I figure it out though? I mean, at the time, with Jason I liked him and when we kissed it was great, but it was great kissing her too."
"Well, when I was figuring that stuff out I-"
"Wait, what?" Gracie cut Danny off, she had no idea, "Are you gay?"
Danny burst out laughing, "Yeah, isn't it obvious? The pride flag didn't tip you off?" He pointed to the flag that hung off the corner of his headboard.
"I thought that was just because of your moms," Gracie blushed, embarrassed she hadn't realized sooner.
"What, did you think me and Ethan were just really good friends?"
"Ethan's your boyfriend?!" Gracie was shocked, she had been completely oblivious. "Oh my God, all the time I've spent with you guys and I had no clue! Wait, when did you come out?" She turned to face him directly, crossing her legs and looking at Danny in complete awe. Finally, she had someone to get advice from, someone she already had an immense amount of respect for.
"Last year, not long after Riley and I got fostered. I think I always knew, so I did all of those 'are you gay?' quizzes online, and then I met Ethan. It kind of just happened. And don't get me wrong, I shoved it down at first. I pretended to be straight, I thought, or I hoped it would just go away. Then I tried to convince myself that I was bi and I could stay in the closet. I even dated Amy for like a week, and Ethan was dating Elle, we went on a double date to the movies and when the girls went to the bathroom we had our first kiss," Danny smiled as he thought about that day, and Gracie was amazed. "Amy and Elle were so supportive, and after that, we both came out to our families and then went public at school. We were really lucky."
"What did the quizzes say?" She asked, wondering if she should try them herself.
"You're missing the point," Gracie looked at Danny in confusion, "The point is that no matter how you identify, nothing will change the way we see you and we'll always be there for you."
"Right, yeah. Thank you, Danny," Gracie reached her arms out and hugged her foster brother, "But you won't tell anyone, right?"
Gracie shuddered at the thought of Amy getting her hands on this information. It was abundantly clear that the girl could not keep a secret. It wasn't that she thought people would judge her, even though the wrong people might, she just didn't want people to know all of her business when she hadn't even figured it out for herself yet.
"Of course not, now, about those quizzes," Danny pulled his computer onto his lap and started typing away.
After hours of filling out various sexuality quizzes across the internet, Gracie had her answer. The internet decided she was: 'A Homosexual/Gay/Lesbian female.'
"Okay but you can't compare Zac Efron and Kristen Stewart, that doesn't mean anything," She tried to convince Danny—and herself— that all the quizzes were wrong.
"Sounds like denial to me," Danny teased her, "No but seriously, this stuff doesn't mean anything. Only you can know who you are."
She was still confused, but at least now she had someone to talk to about it. She felt so much better than she had earlier in the day. Gracie went back to Maia and Riley's room where they were looking through photos from the night before, she sat down on her bed and switched on her phone. She'd kept it on silent all day, and now she had dozens of missed calls and texts from Rachel. She wanted so badly to call her back and tell her she was sorry, but that wouldn't be fair. Not when she was still so confused and had kissed someone else.
'Why are you ignoring me?' One of the texts said, 'Please, Gracie, I care about you.'
Guilt lay heavy in her chest, it would be painful for both of them but she had to let her go. She was too lost in her thoughts to notice that her foster sisters had both gasped at something.
"Uh, Gracie, have you seen this?" Maia asked, and her older sister swatted her arm.
"Just delete it!" Riley raised her voice.
Gracie looked up at the girls who were staring wide-eyed at the screen. "What is it?" She went over to try and look too but Riley tilted the screen away.
"Maia, just take it down, she doesn't need to see it!"
"Yeah she does," Gracie was starting to panic, so she took Maia's phone from her hands.
"I don't know who posted it, it's an anonymous account but I'll get rid of it," Maia said.
It was blurry but clear enough to see it was Gracie in the picture. And it was on someone's Instagram. She was with Jason, kissing him. The second she saw her legs splayed out on top of him, she started having flashbacks again, she looked a mess. It wasn't the fact that she was drunk or kissing a boy, or even the fact there was a picture of it, it was the fact that in the picture, Gracie's dress had slid up a little too high.
"Oh my God," she started scrolling through the comments where things only got worse.
"Gracie, stay calm, Maia can get it offline, she's good at this stuff, just give her ten minutes," Riley took the phone from Gracie's quivering hands and passed it back to Maia who pulled out her laptop and started typing away.
"What difference will it make? Did you not see the comments? Hundreds of people have seen it, Riley!" Gracie yelled, tears spilling out of her eyes. "And what if my social worker finds out? She could have me moved again!"
"Moms won't let that happen," Riley tried to comfort Gracie but she was pacing back and forth.
She hadn't realized her phone was still in her hand, and suddenly it started blowing up with notifications. There were messages from Sarah, Elle, Ethan, and Amy asking if she was okay, even Jason had found Gracie's number and asked if she needed anything. He wrote, "I'm so sorry, are you okay?"
Worst of all though, there were messages from blocked numbers calling her all kinds of disgusting names and objectifying her. She was getting tagged in the picture over and over again by more anonymous accounts.
"What's going on? I heard yelling?" Lilah walked in with her wife following behind her, it didn't take long for Danny and Marco to arrive too. "Gracie, what is it?"
All she could do was stand there while the Tuckers looked up at her until finally, Riley spoke up, "There was a picture on Instagram," she said.
"I took it down," Maia said, "And the account is down too. People will probably try and post it again on different accounts and I'll keep deleting it, but Mama I think you need to do something," Maia stood to pass her phone to her mother, and Gracie tried to reach out to grab it, she didn't want anyone else seeing it, but Danny took her hand and gently pulled her back.
"Oh, god," Lilah sighed and shook her head, "Okay, boys, um, go get dinner started," she stuttered, but no one was thinking about food.
Still, Danny and Marco both gave Gracie a sullen look before leaving the room. There was no telling if they had seen the photo or not.
Stiff as a board, Gracie swayed ever so slightly in place. She looked as though she might faint, Stella had practically had to force her to sit down. "I think this is a police matter, love," Stella said.
"No!" Gracie snapped out of her trance. Her phone buzzed in her hand again, she wanted so badly to throw it across the room in anger, but she didn't have it in her, so instead, she shoved it under her pillow. "No cops, it'll die down. It's not like you can see anything anyway, it's just embarrassing," Gracie began to collect herself as she came to a realization, "Besides, I've been through worse," she finally took her eyes off the floor and looked up at her foster mothers.
"Gracie, this is serious," Lilah took her hand and sat beside her.
"I know it is, but it's not a police matter. It's bullying, we can handle this ourselves. I can handle this," it didn't sound like Gracie at all. "Plus if you call the police, my social worker will find out."
Normally, this kind of thing would push her over the edge and if she were in any other foster home, they'd have her sent away and put a note in her file claiming she was promiscuous and high risk. But she'd managed to be placed with a family who didn't judge her based on a mistake or a bad angle in a photograph. They truly cared for her, and she cared for them. If Gracie wanted to build a life for herself, she had to take control. She'd told herself that this was just a test.
"Are you sure?" Stella asked.
Gracie rose to her feet, dried her eyes, and clenched her fists, "I'm sure," she assured them, "If we get the police involved, that means getting my social worker involved, which means this will go in my file, and she might make me move schools which means I might get moved from here. And I need to be here for the trial. If that's still okay with you guys?" Stella and Lilah shared a glance and nodded to Gracie with proud smiles, "Good, then no cops, please, I can't have this affecting my case, my future." Gracie turned to Maia who was still on her laptop, "Maia, can you find out who posted it?"
"I'm trying, but it'll take some time," she started typing away again.
"Whoever it was, I'll call their parents tomorrow and they'll be punished," Lilah stated, "They won't get away with this."