It was Gracie's first day at a new school, and although she was nervous, breakfast with her foster family was more daunting. If it was anything like dinner, they'd sit in agonizing silence again. Gracie was relieved when she came downstairs to find Rachel and her mother sitting at the kitchen island chatting away about some reality show they watched together.
"Morning," Rachel said as she beamed at Gracie. They hadn't known each other long, but she felt like Gracie was a friend.
"Hi," Gracie sat down at the island.
"Help yourself to breakfast, love," Mary said as she pushed a stack of fluffy pancakes over to Gracie. It was like nothing she'd ever seen before, at least not in real life. Maple syrup oozed down the side of the stack, making Gracie's mouth water. Sliced strawberries, blueberry jam, and chocolate sprinkles were among the myriad of toppings Mary had laid out.
"Wow, this looks incredible," she said to Mary as she piled her plate high. She shoveled a forkful into her mouth so fast you'd think she hadn't eaten in days. She listened to Mary and Rachel as they excitedly gossiped about one of the neighbors, Gracie felt normal for a change.
However, the atmosphere shifted when John walked into the kitchen, and Rachel and Mary both stopped talking. Their smiles faded and all of the color drained from their faces. Rachel sat up straight, Mary adjusted her apron and dusted away the powdered sugar on her hands. Gracie stayed still, waiting for someone to talk.
"Morning, John," Mary rose from her seat, offering it to her husband.
The room stayed silent as he sat down and started eating while he scrolled through messages on his cell phone, he said nothing and looked at no one.
"John, darling, would you drive Gracie to school, please dear?" Mary spoke tentatively to her husband.
Something about the way Mary carried herself around John made Gracie question their relationship. She was still smiling, but it seemed forced now. Rachel was on edge too; shoving her books in her bag, rushing to get out of the house. She didn't even say goodbye before she left.
John looked up from his phone and turned directly to Gracie, with a mouthful of food he said, "Yeah, sure, come on, kid," John smiled for the first time since Anita had dropped Gracie off.
After scarfing down her breakfast, Gracie followed her foster father out to the car, making sure to thank Mary for the breakfast she didn't get to finish on the way out.
John's car was incredible; heated seats - unnecessary for California - and a cream leather interior. John pushed a button near the steering wheel that lowered the soft top of the black car, and he started to drive.
Gracie had assumed he was just a quiet guy, but he talked to her the whole way to school, asking questions about her, but not the same things that Rachel asked. He wanted to know what TV shows she liked and seemed upset when she told him her last group home didn't have a TV, so he changed the subject to her school life.
"I'm not very good at school, I just find it hard to concentrate, and I've been to so many different places it's hard to keep up," Gracie said.
"That can't be true," John laughed and glanced over at her, "I bet you're real smart."
Gracie blushed at the compliment, most foster parents assumed the worst in her. "Thank you, but I'm not. I do okay in English, though."
She wasn't a bad student, just average, sometimes slightly below depending on her home life, but in English, she excelled, no matter the school or what was going on in her life. It was her place to shine.
"I bet you do. You're very well-spoken for a girl your age, very mature," John complimented her again, Gracie wasn't used to all this positive attention. But she didn't hate it either.
"Thank you."
When they pulled up to the school, John handed his phone to Gracie, "Here, we'll trade numbers, you can call if you need anything," Gracie passed her phone over to him. As they switched back, John's hand lingered on Gracie's for a moment. At first, she thought it was strange, but she brushed it off, assuming he was trying to be friendly.
The school itself was a vision of beauty; palm trees towered over the white stone building, and the sound of waves crashing on the shore provided a calming aura over the whole campus. So calming that Gracie managed to unclench her hands and rest them by her sides as she walked through the main entrance of White Coast High.
Kids bustled through the halls carrying stacks of books, talking and laughing with their friends as Gracie navigated her way through the sea of teenagers. She knew she was supposed to go straight to the principal's office, but it was a big school and she couldn't figure out where it was. She wasn't going to get much further without asking for help, so when she saw a boy around her age standing by his locker she decided he looked safe to approach.
"Hi, I'm new. Could you tell me where the principal's office is?" She asked.
The boy in the striped t-shirt looked back at her and smiled. Up close he looked younger, but his voice was deep enough to prove that he was at least fifteen. "Yeah, sure. She's my mom, I'll walk you there," he replied.
"Oh, you're one of Riley's brothers? I met her the other day. I'm Gracie," she extended a hand to him, and he shook it.
"Right, Sarah's friend. I'm Danny," his voice, deep as it was, was still somehow so youthful and soft, with a comforting quality about it.
"You're a sophomore too?" She asked, maybe she and Danny could become friends.
"Yeah. Hey, come to lunch with us. I'm meeting my brother and sisters on the green," the invitation took Gracie by surprise, but she couldn't turn it down. If Danny and the rest of his family were half as kind as Riley had been, she wanted to spend time with them. Dr Ellis was always saying how important it was to surround yourself with good people. Even though she probably wasn't going to be at WCHS for long, it couldn't hurt to make a few friends.
"Cool," Gracie tried to act collected, but her beaming smile gave away her excitement.
"This is it," the pair stopped next to a door with the name 'Lilah Tucker' engraved on a plaque stuck to the front of it. "I'll see you at lunch, Gracie," the boy sauntered away, and Gracie took another deep breath before knocking gently on the office door.
"Come in," a voice replied. Gracie opened the door carefully and saw a woman sitting at her desk. "Gracie, right?" She smiled and stood up, then walked towards the young girl. "Have a seat," her voice was as welcoming as Danny's. Gracie tugged on her sleeves, something she did when she was anxious, she couldn't keep her hands still. "I'm Lilah. It's so nice to meet you," she shook Gracie's hand.
"You too," she said, "I just met Danny. He's nice," she wanted to come across as more confident than her quaking voice allowed her to.
"Don't be nervous, Gracie. I think you'll like it here. You and Danny are actually in the same homeroom and a lot of the same classes too," Lilah passed Gracie a few sheets of paper, her class schedule, a map of the school, and a list of phone numbers.
"What are these for?" She asked, scanning her eyes down the list and seeing words like 'crisis', 'emergency', and 'helpline'.
"There are some numbers you might want to call if you need someone to talk to or you're feeling at-risk," Gracie's heart skipped a beat, "Your social worker called to let me know what you've been going through."
Anita had never done this before, part of Gracie was furious with Anita for betraying her trust, but another part of her was happy to have a teacher who cared enough even to mention it.
"Oh, thank you," she slipped the list into the side pocket of her backpack, making a mental note to remember where it was.
"I want you to know that if you're ever struggling with anything, you can come to me or another member of staff, we're here to support you."
Gracie nodded, blushing slightly, embarrassed at the thought of running to a teacher every time a mean kid called her names.
"You better get off to class," Lilah stood up again, "Like I said, if you need anything, my door is always open," she smiled, and Gracie made her way down the hall.
Now that she had the map, it wasn't too hard to find her way around, she got to her homeroom just in time and found a spare seat next to Danny. The teacher introduced himself as Randall, Gracie couldn't get over the fact that they called their teachers by their first names. For a moment, she panicked when Randall had her stand up and introduce herself, but all she was required to say was her name and her age. In other schools she went to, she'd had to stand at the front of the class and talk about herself until everyone was bored to tears.
"Gracie, this is Elle," Danny gestured to the girl sitting next to him.
"Hi, nice to meet you," Gracie shook the girl's hand. She seemed friendly, and if Gracie played her cards right, maybe Danny wouldn't be the only friend she made today.
After homeroom, Danny had PE, and Gracie and Elle had math, so the kids parted ways, and Elle walked alongside Gracie across the quad to their classroom. She asked Elle how long she and Danny had been dating and quickly regretted it when Elle informed her that they were just friends. Elle laughed hysterically at the thought of dating Danny.
Elle and Gracie met back up with Danny for their next few classes. The day was going well so far. She'd made two friends, and she wasn't struggling to keep up with the rest of her class. When it came time for lunch, Gracie almost wished she could make a start on her homework, but she had plans to eat with Danny and his family.
Her hands fidgeted with her sleeves while she and Danny walked across the green to a picnic bench where Riley was sitting. The two kids sitting with her looked alike, the Hispanic boy and girl had the same button nose, and their eyes were the same shade of caramel brown. "Hey, Gracie," Riley waved to her, "This is Maia and Marco."
"Hi," the small girl had rosy cheeks and a big smile on her face.
"How's your first day so far?" The boy asked. he was taller than his sister, but everything else about the pair made it glaringly apparent that they were twins.
"It's been good," Gracie replied, looking around at the family. They all looked so happy, "I can't believe I go to school on the beach now," she laughed awkwardly.
The others started chatting away, Gracie was amazed at the way they bounced off of each other, she'd never thought about what it would be like to have any siblings. She'd had her fair share of foster siblings, and she'd almost always shared a room with someone since her dad died, but she could never dream of having a bond with someone the way the Tucker kids did.
Gracie tried to keep calm, but she was getting anxious, she thought the hard part would be meeting them. But as she sat between Danny and Riley, she realized how much she wanted a family like this. Her eyes stayed focused on her lunch tray to avoid looking at the others; worried she might start crying. Her stomach clenched, and the thought of eating right now made her nauseous, she blocked everyone around her until she heard her name.
"Gracie, are you okay?" Riley asked quietly.
She didn't have the words to express how she felt, at least not in front of all these strangers, she shook her head.
"Come on, let's go for a walk," Riley linked her arm through Gracie's and walked her back across the grass up to the dunes.
Gracie could barely catch her breath as they sat cross-legged in the sand. She was choking back tears, "I'm sorry. I got a little overwhelmed," the rise and fall of her chest were so fast that Riley was worried she wasn't getting enough air. She handed her a bottle of water, and Gracie took small sips until she finally calmed down enough to talk, "I just didn't think it would be so hard, sitting there with your family. I guess I got kind of jealous," Gracie admitted. She hadn't realized that's how she felt until that moment.
"It's okay, I felt the same when I first met them," Riley told her.
"Only difference is you got to live with them," Gracie thought out loud. She hadn't meant to sound so bitter, "I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing, Gracie, it's okay to feel how you feel. You'll find your family someday," Riley put her arm around Gracie. "Talk to your social worker, tell her you're willing to meet as many families as it takes," Riley was only trying to help, but Gracie knew she didn't stand a chance in hell.
"I'm not allowed to meet more families," she confessed. Riley raised a brow at her, waiting for an explanation, "Anita set me up with this family, the Bakers. It was so obvious they were junkies. They had six other foster kids that they only took in for the child support cheques. I tried telling Anita I didn't want to go there, but she didn't listen. My first night in their house, they locked me in my room..." Gracie contemplated whether or not she could trust Riley with the rest of the story. Then she remembered how she helped her at Sarah's house. "So I tried to take my own life, that was the first time, well the first real time anyway." Gracie couldn't bring herself to look at Riley, who was on the verge of tears too. "I know it sounds dramatic and kind of dumb, but there was so much going on in my head and I just couldn't take it anymore."
"Gracie-"
"No it's okay, I'm doing a lot better now," she wiped away a tear that was gliding down her cheek.
"But that's not your fault. She can't stop you from meeting families because of that," Riley was angry, not with Gracie, but with the system.
"It's fine, John and Mary's isn't so bad. I'll be okay."
Though her first night had gone smoothly, Gracie was still terrified. Regardless of the tension between the family, they had been kind to her, and even though she felt safe there, she was painfully aware that the feeling wouldn't last long. Because it never did. Instead of trying to cherish what she had all she could do was dread what might come next.
She couldn't hold her tears any longer, so Gracie let them out as Riley did her best to comfort her. She suggested that Gracie skip the rest of her classes, they had already missed the first 10 minutes of Spanish, and Gracie wasn't the right headspace to be conjugating verbs anyway.
Riley kept her arm around Gracie as they walked inside the building, she decided it would be best to take her to her mother's office. She'd know what to do.
"Hey, mama?" Riley knocked on the open door while Gracie hovered nervously behind her.
"Riley, is everything okay?" Lilah looked up from her paperwork and noticed the girl trembling behind her daughter, "Gracie?" She rushed over and ushered Gracie to the couch. Gracie didn't know what to say. "Riley, go back to class, sweetie," Lilah dismissed her daughter and closed the door after her, "What's wrong?" She sat down next to Gracie, "If it's the classes, we can try to ease you in a little slower," she suggested.
"No, the classes are great; it's just- I just got overwhelmed by meeting all these new people." From the way that Gracie's hands were shaking, and the sound of her voice as she cried, Lilah knew the girl wasn't okay. "I just get anxious pretty easily."
"You're shaking, here," Lilah picked up a cardigan from the back of her desk chair and draped it over Gracie's shoulders. Gracie wasn't shaking because she was cold, but she was so grateful for the gesture.
Lilah wanted Gracie to spend the rest of the day in the office; she had a meeting with the science department, so she let her take a nap there while she was away. But Gracie couldn't sleep. She just lay still with the yellow cardigan that Lilah provided draped over her. She had only had a few hours of sleep because she was up late talking to Rachel. And she was exhausted, but her mind wouldn't shut up.
She wished she could just go home and spend time with Rachel; maybe she'd be able to distract her. They had only known each other for one night, but after the conversations they'd had, Gracie already felt close to her. They had a connection, not in the same way she'd connected with Sarah, this felt different. Special. Incomparable.
After lying in silence for an hour, Gracie couldn't take it anymore. Sitting in class surrounded by a million distractions would be better than letting her mind get the better of her, so she decided to suck it up and finish the school day; there was only one class left anyway. She stopped by a mirror in Lilah's office to make sure her face wasn't still red and puffy anymore.
When she got to her chemistry class, she already felt a little better. She sat next to Danny, and he helped her when she couldn't solve one of the questions on their worksheets. Science was Gracie's worst subject, so she was glad to have a friend to help her. Danny didn't know what Gracie was dealing with, but he knew something was wrong. So he did his best to make her feel comfortable. He even walked with her to John's car when he came to pick her up at the end of the school day.
"How was school kiddo?" John started the car.
"It was good," she answered simply. There would be no point in discussing the events of the day with him.
"I'm glad to hear it," John smiled almost as much as Mary did, but only when it was just the two of them.
She wondered what it was that could make a person so happy all the time, but she also knew that a smile could camouflage whatever its wearer wanted if they used it right, she'd been using her smile to mask herself for years.
John made an effort to talk to Gracie; he wanted to know everything. She felt as comforted by him as she did with Rachel, they wanted to get to know her and Gracie was happy to get some positive attention from a foster family for a change.
The house was empty when they got home, John told her that Mary worked late some days, and Rachel was at orchestra practice, so it was just the two of them for the evening. John seemed so much more cheerful when no one was around apart from her, and she couldn't figure out why.
He insisted that it was Gracie's choice for dinner, so she chose takeout pizza. The two of them spent the evening in front of the TV with their dinner, and John helped himself to a few beers. Gracie was having fun. For the first time, she liked her foster home.
When Rachel and Mary finally arrived home, Mary asked the girls to go and do their homework, again she was smiling, but when she spoke to John, she seemed to be on edge.
The week went on the same way; only Gracie managed not to have any more panic attacks. She was finally doing better in school, thanks to Danny and Elle. Danny was smart, but Elle was an A+ student, with help from her, Gracie managed to pull a B in almost all of her classes. Part of the reason that school was becoming easier to handle was because her home life was good too. When Rachel was home, the girls did their homework together and spent the rest of the evening talking and listening to music, getting closer and closer every day. When Rachel was out, Gracie spent the evenings with John, he always let her pick what TV or movies they watched, and overall, they were getting along well.
There was one evening in particular that Gracie often thought about though, she was sitting in front of the TV with John again, and he had trenched his arm out behind her, and at some point, it fell across her shoulders. At first, she thought maybe this was the way he treated all his foster kids, but then she realized she'd never seen John talking to his real daughter. They barely even made eye contact. And Rachel never talked about him. Gracie was the only one in the house that John seemed to get along with. She thought it was strange, but she didn't say anything to anyone. It wasn't any of her business.
It was when John's hand moved to her waist that she became uncomfortable, so she went upstairs to do some homework instead. After that, she avoided hanging out with him when just the two of them were home.
It wasn't all bad feelings though. On Wednesday night, Gracie and Rachel were lying on their bellies on Rachel's bed. They were laughing at something that Gracie had forgotten over the music coming from the radio as her arm brushed against Rachel's soft skin. A tingling sensation buzzed through her body from her toes up to her head, her stomach filled with butterflies and when she looked up to see Rachel smiling at her, she melted inside.
She had a crush on her foster sister.