Close to a month trapped inside of the apartment with the twins taking turns being sick and fussy, I started to feel a fraction of what my sister had. Though I'd tried to help as best as I could, she'd had to take the load of both kids on herself, on top of trying to work and maintain her appearance. Not to mention the post partum depression that had no doubt been eating away at her psyche little by little.
The boys tried to help as best as they could, but they spent most of their time out of the apartment. Whether it was on campus, football, or partying, they were almost never here. Which left me to speak to the bare walls around me, trying to tend to both kids on a couple hours of sleep. Tanner tried to take them for at least a few hours a night, but with football season starting, he had to get enough sleep in order to be coherent in academics and practice and his games. Parker kept all three of us at a distance, as if he were trying to process everything in his own way. Both boys had promised that whoever had been watching us the day I was with Tanner had long since disappeared-or maybe it'd been that he or she had been watching me and had no interest in the two playboys. The thought terrified me.
I tried to fit in my classes when I could, but barely able to keep my eyes open, more times then not I woke up to find one of the boys taking my laptop out of my arms and taking the baby for the rest of the night. It was agonizing; not being able to function. Not having any outside connection. I hadn't been out of this apartment building in close to a month.
That changed the night of the boys first game. Tanner, Parker, and Chandler came home hyped, which was to be expected. What was far from it was my mother cowering behind the three heathen males with a small smile.
The very sight of her had tears burning my eyes. She hadn't as much as sent me a text message asking about the twins or me in the month I'd been holed up in here. I knew much of that was do to my father's bitterness and anger, and his controlling of everything she did, but it still felt like a slap to the face. Especially after reading a few more of Maya's journal entries to find that she and Mom had fought much more than I'd thought.
"Mom?" I whispered, surprised when Tanner swept passed me with a wink and plucked Max from my arm, careful not to stir him awake. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay?"
"Everything is fine, baby girl." She responded, touching her hands to my shoulders cautiously before pulling me into a hug. She squeezed me so tightly against her I felt as though she were afraid to let go. "I thought I'd come see you and the babies."
Tanner made a reappearance with a grin. "What she means is that she's going to babysit those little monsters so you can get out of here."
I looked back to my mom, eyes widening. "Seriously?"
"You deserve a break, sweetheart." She smiled sadly. "You've taken on so much and given everything up. You should be able to live like a normal college student for one night."
I wanted to be excited, but all I felt was guilt starting to gnaw at me. "Are you sure? I can stay and—"
"And you aren't staying." It was Parker. It was actually the first thing he'd said directly to me outside of questions about the kids in the last couple weeks. "We're going to a party to celebrate the win tonight and you're coming with us."
Whether it was because it was genuinely funny or because I was anxious and overtired, I started laughing. His blue eyes hardened then narrowed. "What's funny?"
"You've known me our entire lives. You knew me in high school. I don't do parties."
Tanner responded before he could. "Well, you will be tonight. Now stop fighting us and go make yourself look pretty."
I touched a hand to my chest, feigning hurt. "Gee, thanks Tan."
He made a gesture toward Parker's flannel hanging loosely off me-and drenched in spit up and baby snot- then to the sweatpants I'd been wearing the last two days. "You know what I mean."
*
I hadn't been to a party since graduation; a week before my sister had given birth. She'd even gone to the party in an oversized black shirt and stretch pants in hopes nobody would notice her baby bump. A few people had, but they were so drunk nobody said anything afterward; not that it mattered, as she wouldn't be seeing most of them again.
Maya had always been the beauty guru, knowing the ins and outs of makeup. She'd taught me a decent bit, but I was nowhere as good as she was. Luckily, I was good enough that I was able to hide the bags under my eyes and the lines of exhaustion around my mouth. I spent so much time in her shadow, being the pretty sister behind the gorgeous force, that when I stepped out of the room and was immediately checked out by all three roommates, blush crept up my neck into my ears, and finally into my cheeks.
"You look like Maya." To my surprise it wasn't either of the boys, but my mother. She was cradling Mickey against her chest and watching me with misty eyes, a tired smile touching at her chapped lips. "Like a dead ringer for her. Reminds me of the few times the two of you played the switcharoo on us."
Tanner pushed off the couch he'd been leaning against and laughed. "You look good, Valedictorian."
The air between Tanner and me had been a little tense since his confession back at the café. He'd still made his passive flirtatious comments, but hadn't pushed it any further. And I couldn't decide whether I wanted him to or not and it made me a little hostile toward him. Right now he was wearing a white shirt that was so thin his toned body was visible through it-no doubt a purposeful thing in a house full of tipsy women.
"Not to bad yourself, Oaf." I nudged him on my way passed and to my mother and the twins. Max was sleeping in the bassinet beside my mother, occasionally twitching but not stirring awake entirely. "You sure you can handle them?"
A genuine laugh escaped my mother and a light that had been snuffed out since my sister's death appeared. "I raised your brother and both of you girls almost completely on my own, sweetheart. I'll be fine. Have fun, don't worry."
I nodded, hugging her from the side and grabbing my purse from the couch behind her.
I hadn't realized how much I missed being outside until I stepped out the front door of the building and was met with cold, brisk fall air. I inhaled the scents that had once disgusted me, and exhaled my anxiety for the night.
"You good?" Tanner asked, touching a hand to the small of my back. I tilted my head back and looked up at him.
"Yeah. I'm good."
He opened the back door to his sedan and left it open for Chandler to join me in the back. Parker, who'd been silent since making the comment earlier this evening, slipped into the passenger seat without as much as glancing back. He was most definitely avoiding me, he'd looked up from his phone for a second when I'd walked into the room before quickly redirecting his eyes back to his phone. And, despite all the crap that's going on, the fourteen year old inside of me wanted desperately for him to see me as more than just Mia.
"Park, man, what's wrong?" Chandler asked, feeling the tension rising in the car. "Bro, we won."
"It's me, isn't it?" the words broke passed my lips before I could stop them. "If you couldn't handle me and the kids here, why did you offer in the first place."
"Mia." Tanner warned, but it'd already flipped the switch in Parker. He spun in his seat, earning a snap out of Tanner who'd pulled out onto the street.
"Just shut up, okay? I do not need to hear your shit right now, Mia."
Well, then he should have just kept his mouth shut.
"What did I do?" I crossed my arms. "I'm sorry for intruding on your guys' fun night. Don't worry you'll still be getting laid tonight. Nothing is going to change for you, Parker."
"You want to talk about getting laid tonight dressed like that?" Parker said through his teeth. "Just keep your mouth shut and fuck off, okay?"
Tanner's head whipped toward his best friend at the bitter retort. "Bro, chill. You don't need to talk to her like that."
"You can fuck off too, Tan. As a matter of fact, all of you leave me the fuck alone tonight."
He even made a point to stalk away from the car like a teenage girl throwing a tantrum as soon as Tanner parked the car on campus. Chandler and Tan exchanged a long, worried look before Chandler offered me a weak smile and ran out after their roommate. I slumped back against the seat, arms still crossed, and glared out the window, hoping if I stayed angry the tears wouldn't surface.
"He doesn't mean that." Tanner, as always, was quick to defend his friend. "You just. . . I don't think you realize how much you look like Maya right now, Mi. It's freaky and he's really conflicted right now."
"Conflicted?" I repeated, confused. "What the hell do you mean by that?"
There was a hint of a bitter undertone in his response. "I mean that Parker wants to fuck you and you looking like his best friend, who he had no romantic feelings toward, is messing with his head."
"Parker wants to fuck everyone." I snapped. "I already told you I wasn't going to be a consolation prize."
He shifted his entire body so he was looking back at me, shaking his head. "I'll talk to him. Just try not to take it too personal, okay? I'm not defending what he just said, because he was a dick, but he's hurting too. People just handle their grief different."
I wanted to go back to the apartment. What I would do to be able to go home to find Maya sitting on her bed in our bedroom and grinning up at me with all the latest gossip. To have her hold me as I cried over some dumb guy that broke my heart. Even to see her expression as she held her kids for the first time. I just wanted my sister.
"Hey, don't cry." Tanner had gotten out of the car and walked back to open the door for me. "You need one night, Mia. One night to allow yourself to be released from everything and have fun, okay? If you want to cry all day tomorrow, then have at it."
"You suck at comforting a girl, Tan." I mumbled, a half smile tugging at the right side of my mouth as I joined him outside the car. "If you ever plan to settle down, you're going to need to work on that."
"Look, when I'm with a chick, we don'tdo much talking." I slapped his arm playfully, laughing, and he chuckled anddropped the arm over my shoulder. "But I'll keep that in mind