"They made you blind, messed up your mind, but I can set you free" -- Meant to Be Yours from Heathers
Two weeks. Two weeks. Fourteen days. Jesse sighed and jangled his change in his pocket nervously as he approached the café. He hoped he wouldn't be embarrassing himself yet again by going into the café, ordering a coffee, and sitting there for hours on end in constant worry. He'd been doing it for the past fourteen days.
He hadn't seen Devon in fourteen days. Just from that one half hour experience with her in the park she consumed Jesse's mind. He visited the café and the park every single day even though he was beginning to lose hope in ever seeing her again. He didn't even see Kurt. He hoped Kurt was okay, too.
Jesse was beginning to believe that maybe Devon was just a one time dream that he'll never have again no matter how hard he tried.
"What would you like?"
Jesse blinked as he looked up, fumbling around with a five dollar bill in his hand at the counter.
"Oh, um, just a regular coffee," Jesse said, tapping his fingers on the counter. He handed the barista the money and went over to his table to wait until his name was called.
Where was Devon? Jesse had thought numerous times to just stop looking for her but he didn't want to for the slightest chance that she could still come back. He wanted to make sure he was present the day she decided to show up again. He hoped it would be soon, though, because even drug money couldn't hold him off forever with buying a five dollar coffee every single day.
"Jesse!" someone from behind the counter called a few moments later.
Jesse slid off the chair and walked over slowly to get his coffee. He mumbled a weak "thank you" and hoped the barista heard him. He took a sip of coffee as he sat back in his seat and prepared himself to begin slowly ripping his heart apart a bit more.
Even coffee wasn't giving Jesse the energy he was so deprived of. He'd been staying up for days on end just lying on his bed unable to sleep getting high. But when he wasn't high he was just wandering aimlessly around his house trying to get tired enough to drift off. He was constantly tired, deathly tired, but he couldn't sleep.
The door to the café opened and the three little bells above the door jangled. Jesse jerked around to see who it was, but it wasn't Devon. Of course it wasn't. She's gone, Jesse, he scolded himself for continuing to look for her. He could feel himself being pulled on, to just try one more day, it'll be this day, she'll be there this time, if you just stay a little longer...
Jesse was a fast drinker and in less than thirty minutes had nothing else to distract himself with. He tapped his fingers on the table quickly, sucking in his breath and blowing out air stressfully. Where was Devon? Was she just a dream? Was he high?
He decided to wait another fifteen minutes. Maybe he was more tired or aggravated today, because he began to get impatient and upset. Jesse could feel something wet by his eyes and went quickly to wipe it away before realizing... was he crying? Well, yes. But over Devon? No, he couldn't be... He'd only seen her once. Once. There was no way he was crying over her.
Jesse for up from his table noisily and walked over to the barista, who had always been there for the past two weeks. He smiled weakly at her and tried to think of something to say, but she jumped in and said something herself.
"Are you okay? I always see you around this time as I just brush it off as a normal customer, you know? But then, I'm sorry if this seems stalkerish, you like stay here for hours. I was just hoping you were okay," she smiled sweetly at him, playing with the bracelets on her arm. They reminded Jesse of the bracelets on Devon's arm.
"I'm fine. I just... I guess I'm just hoping someone will show up and save me," he said.
The barista smiled sadly, her eyes gleaming but they weren't as pretty as Devon's eyes. Jesse tried to return the smile but it only looked like a weak smirk. He stuck his hands in his pockets.
"I know how you feel. Is she pretty?"
Jesse jolted upward. How did she know?
"Y-Yeah," Jesse said, scratching the back of his neck, "How'd you know?"
"I just assumed," she said, "the way you've been so persistent to wait for this person to 'save you.'" Jesse made a "hmm" sound between his lips.
After a few awkward moments of silence, the barista cleared her throat and made eye contact with Jesse.
"Well, good luck with you and her," she said.
"T-Thanks," Jesse muttered, and then suddenly blurred, "Have you seen her?"
"Seen who?"
"T-The girl I'm looking for..." Jesse said helplessly, "Her name's Devon. She has long blond and brown hair, it's like dyed right down the middle, and she has a bunch of ear piercings and a septum piercing..."
"I know who you're talking about," she said, "but no, I'm sorry, she hasn't been here in a long while. Maybe a few weeks? It's unlike her, she normally comes one to two times a day."
"Yeah." Jesse sighed, "thanks, though."
He slumped back to his table and practically dropped into his seat without any energy at all. He was tired of waiting; where was she? Was she never going to save him? He needed someone to save him from his own fucked up life.
Jesse rummaged through his hoodie pocket and found his cell phone. He hadn't used it in the past couple weeks, not knowing it was there. He held down the side button to turn it on and suddenly a bunch of notifications appeared on the screen.
He tapped on them to view who had been messaging and calling him, and he noticed that one cell phone number had called him four times the same day he had met Devon. Was that her number? What did she need that night? She hadn't left a voicemail or anything. Jesse sighed. He thought about calling the number but didn't want to come off as needy. Sometimes people just have busy lives.
Even so, it seemed a little odd to have gotten four calls from her and then not seen her at all anytime afterward. A shiver shot up Jesse's arms. He hoped she was okay...
~~~
Devon [2 weeks ago]
Blood was everywhere, but Devon didn't care. She was used to this feeling and it was what she wanted. She honestly felt relieved to be feeling nothing, the numbness of her practically ripped-open arm, the dizziness and her heart beating through her skin and blood. She could see something moving inside her arm but she couldn't tell what it was with all the blood in the way.
Her eyes fluttered as she struggled to stay conscious, blood spurting over her carpet and clothes. She smiled weakly, accepting her death, ready to leave the world. She, for fun, stretched out her other hand almost drunkenly in front of her and touched her deep cut. At first she didn't feel anything, and she continued to poke and prod at the skin and the opening and the fat and blood inside of the cut.
Suddenly, though, the pain began to sear through her arm to the rest of her body, and she pulled away her fingers quickly, which were covered in dark blood. She cried out softly for help, for the pain to go away, but no one answered her. She tenderly touched the cut again but it still hurt. She rolled over on the ground, not being able to escape the pain no matter how hard she tried.
Then she remembered: Jesse. She leaned over to her phone, her sight slipping in and out of what she could really see and some other reality, and dialed Jesse's number. It rang six times and went to voicemail. Devon's heart dropped. She made some weak whimpering noise but continued to hold the phone up to her ear even though her arm could barely support the weight of the phone.
"Yo, yo, yo, 1-4-8, 3 to the 3 to the 6 to the 9, representin' the ABQ, what up, biatch? Leave it at the tone." it was Jesse's answering machine message. It was lame and funny. Even though Devon was close to dying by this point, she hoped, she let out a small laugh. Maybe it was more of just air blowing out of her nose and a weak smile spreading across her face as she laid down on the ground. Jesse's voice was deep and calming. She was content with hearing him as the last thing she'd ever do.
Barely having enough energy to push down on the "hang up" button, she just let go of her phone and it dropped to the ground. She had no energy to place it down anywhere or throw it across the room on her bed. She was dying, these were her last moments. She wished the process would speed up a little bit, though. The underlying pain of her cut was starting to stick and she was having trouble not wincing as her fingers still forced her to touch her cut.
She was always fascinated with blood, it never grossed her out. She could watch a whole surgery be done if she had to, she wouldn't throw up or cringe at all. So when so much blood and a deep cut was in front of her and on her own body, she couldn't help but be interested. It would be the last time she'd ever be able to get that thrill anyways.
"Ew, haha..." Devon giggled weakly, so loopy that she didn't even care that blood was going everywhere. She felt like an unsuspecting little kid, she was too much in shock, or maybe she just didn't care that she was dying.
Devon was excited for her last few moments, although she was too weak to smile or wave her arm in celebration. She laid her head back on the ground as the ceiling began to spin and blur, and she decided to sing.
"I'm a goner, somebody catch my breath,
I'm a goner, somebody catch my breath,
I want to be known by you,
I want to be known by you.
I'm a goner, somebody catch my breath,
I'm a goner, somebody catch my breath,
I want to be known by you,
I want to be known by you.
Though I'm weak and beaten down,
I'll slip away into this sound,
The ghost of you is close to me,
I'm inside-out, you're underneath.
I've got two faces, blurry's the one I'm not,
I've got two faces, blurry's the one I'm not,
I need your help to take him out,
I need your help to take him ou....t...."
~~~
Jesse [Present]
Where was she? He came at different times each day in case her schedule had gotten messed up. He could barely recall her dark brown and blond hair in my mind anymore. Her dark piercing eyes were only a mere description to him now. He'd lost her. Where was she? Oh God, where was she?
Why did he keep dreaming about her, though? She wasn't that pretty. Well, she was. Just not... not breathtaking. She wasn't someone who would walk into a room and get everyone staring. At least not for immediate good reasons. People probably stared at her to make fun of her, her dark clothing, her piercings, her hair. Jesse clenched his fists when he thought of that. He wanted to protect her. She didn't deserve anything of what she got. Jesse could tell that she was broken. Her eyes were the giveaway. Dark, almost black. They looked like thick glass. Thick, but breakable. Things had happened to her to make her that way. Eyes probably didn't change like that, but her eyes probably used to be a beautiful glowing brown. Light or hazel or something.
Even so, her eyes captivated Jesse the most. Even if they were black like coffee or a midnight sky. They were pretty in their own way. He doubted anyone else had eyes like that. He wondered if she was self conscious about her eyes. If she wanted to, Jesse could buy her all the colored contacts she wanted. He could buy her anything. He wanted to buy her everything. Everything she's ever wanted, he would provide. He couldn't stand thinking about her melancholy, sad look, even though the clearness of her face was slowly fading away. He couldn't grasp it and bring it back to him; the more he tried to think about her the more she slipped away.
"Damnit," Jesse mumbled under his breath. He'd been there for almost three hours by then. He could feel the judgemental look of the barista boring into him from the other side of the café and suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable. He slowly got up from his chair and left the shop, dropping his coffee cup into the trash as he held the door for some group of younger kids. He looked over his shoulder one last time, as if Devon had been in there the whole time and his vision was just screwy, but she wasn't there. Jesse was almost sure now that he'd never see her again.
~~~
Jesse drove around aimlessly, driving around streets over and over again, making continual right turns for no reason. His stomach growled quietly and he decided to swerve by the coffee shop, for food, and maybe another chance. The coffee shop was open almost twenty four hours, and even at ten o'clock at night, there was a reasonable amount of people in the shop conversing quietly amongst each other.
He looked around quickly, spying for that eye-catching hair. He know he'd see it. His breath grew faster, and he ventured into the small room off to the side with couches, a fireplace, and a small television. Then he saw her. Devon.
"Devon?" Jesse gasped out almost inaudibly.
She was sitting with her back turned to him, her legs curled up to the side on the couch. Her small hands were grasped around her coffee cup and she was staring into the raging fire, bright orange and red, flaming up and down rapidly. He walked up behind her slowly, not sure whether to disturb her or not. She looked so peaceful, so deep in thought. Jesse stepped a bit to the side and saw some of her face. Her eyes were squinted slightly, and she was concentrating closely on the flames.
Jesse held his breath as he slowly stretched his arm out to lightly rest his hand on her shoulder. She practically jumped when the contact was made, and she spun around to see him. Her eyes were wide and her breath was quickened but she became softer when she saw that it was only him. Her chest went down and she relaxed her muscles. Jesse moved his arm away and tried to smile at her sweetly. She looked down at her hands and placed her coffee cup on the small table in front of her.
"J-Jesse..." she whispered.
"Hey, Devon," he said softly and uneasily.
She tucked her legs up to her chest to make room on the couch for him. He smiled at her again and sat down gently, making sure he didn't invade her personal space. The last thing he wanted was to make her feel uncomfortable.
She just looked at him blankly. Blankly? Jesse looked into her eyes. They were still black. But they weren't shiny or illuminating or piercing. They were just black. Dull, hazy, faded... he scrunched up his nose. Why did they look so different? Even her face was paler than usual, her eyes looked puffy and irritated, her hair greasy and messily pinned up instead of nicely brushed. Something was off about her.
"I-I'm sorry for invading your privacy and you don't have to reply... but... are you okay?" Jesse asked timidly, my fingers playing and pulling and pushing on each other absentmindedly in his lap.
"No."
Jesse almost laughed purely out of surprise. No explanation. Just no. He blinked and tried to study her look. She continued to look blank. She looked colder and distant and confused.
"C-can I do anything?" he offered awkwardly.
"No. You can't do anything."
She turned her head away and tried to focus on the fire again. Jesse wished she'd turn back at him.
"Oh. Okay." Jesse coughed. Damn.
She didn't look at him. Jesse felt like crying and didn't even know why. He could feel his arms shaking and he did my best to steady them. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked around. It was almost pitch black outside and the rest of the customers began leaving one by one slowly. Thirty minutes later, he'd been staring at the back of Devon's head. He was trying to implant the image of her hair in his mind again. He knew that he'd forget. Devon hadn't turned back towards him, and he was wondering if he should just leave.
Jesse quickly moved his head to the right to look at her, and he blurted out, "Devon -- " at the same time Devon looked over at him and whispered something inaudible.
"What?" Jesse asked.
"I...I just said I-I'm sorry..." she whispered.
"Sorry for what, Devon?"
"For being like this."
"I don't understand. What do you mean?"
"I-I'm fucked up, J-Jesse..." she whimpered, blinking quickly. Jesse could see tears forming in the corners of her eyes.
"H-Hey, Devon, hey," Jesse squirmed in his seat, wanting badly to comfort her but knowing she didn't like to be touched, "you're not fucked up. Don't say that about yourself."
"Y-You don't k-know me," Devon said, "I'm really n-not who you t-think."
"But what if I want to find out who you are?" Jesse moved an inch closer to her, careful not to make any contact with her, though.
"Oh, n-no, you wouldn't w-want to do t-that," Devon stammered, "T-Trust me."
"Try me," Jesse challenged, forcing a grin. Devon smiled weakly back, and Jesse beamed. Even getting a weak smile meant something to him.
"C-Could you drive me h-home? M-My dad will g-get angry if I'm n-not home soon," Devon asked timidly, beginning to crack her knuckles.
"Of course," Jesse said, "I'd be happy to."
Jesse got up from the couch and began to walk towards the exit when he noticed that Devon wasn't following him. He looked back to see that she was just staring at the ground. Her eyes were closing from tiredness and her head hung to the side and rested on the back of the couch. She looked so sad.
Jesse put on a somber smile and went over in front of Devon. She didn't look up at him, she just began to run her thumb over her palm rapidly. Jesse slowly reached his arm out towards Devon. Devon looked up at him with her dull, helpless eyes and finally put her arm out to take Jesse's. Jesse helped her pull herself up off the couch and she leaned on Jesse's body. Jesse held up most of her weight without questioning why she was so weak suddenly.
Jesse and Devon's hands were intertwined and it send a strange, bittersweet feeling through his body. He could feel his hand pushing Devon's long sleeve go upward and he felt some kind of bracelet. It didn't feel like a normal bracelet, though. Feeling uncomfortable for invading her privacy, he couldn't help but look down to see what it was.
A hospital band. It was white and felt laminated. Jesse didn't have much time to discreetly look at it, but it had capital letter text on it and a bunch of weird numbers and barcode-like bars at the bottom. Devon seemed so drunk-like and out of it that she probably wouldn't notice if he took a closer look, but he didn't want to invade her privacy.
The hospital? But why...? Was that why she was gone for two weeks? What happened to her? Jesse desperately wanted to ask her but knew it would be rude and it was none of his business anyways. He was just so curious and he wanted to make sure she was okay. Devon slipped on the way out of the café and Jesse was quick to help her up, putting her arm over his shoulder and holding her waist. He hoped that Devon wasn't going to pass out; he wouldn't know what to do if she passed out on his watch. They slowly made their way to Jesse's car which was parked on the curb.
"D-Devon?" Jesse asked.
"Mmm?" Devon murmured, her head leaning on his shoulder.
"Oh thank God, you're alive," Jesse smiled stupidly.
"I-I'm not dead," Devon whispered, "I'm s-still here..."
"Good, now could you help me out and get in the car correctly?" Jesse laughed softly as Devon slid into the passenger's seat, her head flopping over and hanging by her right shoulder, her eyes closing slowly.
Jesse smiled to himself and closed the door softly, walking around the car to the driver's seat. He made sure to open and close the door as quietly as possible and cringed when the starting-up of the car made a loud sound and Devon shifted her head in the seat. Luckily she didn't wake up, though. Jesse was glad that she was sleeping now; she looked like she hasn't slept in days.
Jesse had been driving around aimlessly for twenty minutes when he realized that he didn't know where Devon lived. As he began driving slowly in the center of a deserted street he guiltily tapped on Devon's shoulder, scared that she would be angry that he touched her.
"Devon?" Jesse asked, his voice cracking from a whisper to an awkward normal volume.
"J...Jesse..." Devon murmured, her eyes opening quickly and then closing again.
"Devon, where do you live?" he tried again.
"56 Malay Dr-Drive..."
Jesse nodded and hoped that she's go back to sleep. She was so sleep deprived he could hardly stand listening to her croaky, hoarse voice.
Devon's house wasn't hard to find. Malay Drive was a short street with only a few houses with large front yards. Devon's house was relatively small-lookin get, at least from outside. It was two stories but the yard space took up more area space than the actual house. Jesse slowly pulled up to the curb and he looked over at Devon. She was sleeping soundly, her chest rising up and falling down slowly and peacefully. Her lips were partially open and she was breathing through them, making a soft whistle-like sound.
"Devon?" Jesse practically squeaked out. She didn't move, but she was still breathing.
Jesse rested back in his seat not wanting to disrupt her. He kept glancing over at her and smiling at how peaceful she looked. He remembered the hospital band and suddenly he became worried. What had happened to her?
After about forty minutes of letting Devon sleep, Jesse made the executive decision to get her out of the car and take her inside. Her parents were probably worrying about her. And maybe Jesse could see Kurt if he was still awake.
Jesse made his way out of the car and around to Devon's side. Grunting, he bent down and put his arm around Devon's waist and lifted her arm around his shoulders. This reminded him so much of when he would help his drunken friends home from parties; he was almost always the sober designated driver. Alcohol wasn't his favorite, he enjoyed smoking better.
"C'mon, up we go," Jesse said stupidly, lifting Devon up onto the sidewalk.
Devon's eyes opened and closed and she began to walk with the support of Jesse. She kept whispering soft noises and stumbling over onto Jesse. When they got up to the front door Jesse tightened his grip on Devon and knocked on the door. He could hear a TV on in a room and a plate clanking with silverware.
The door noisily opened and a tall, older man with graying dark brown hair and sharp dark eyes stood there. Jesse felt a wave of intimidation wash over him.
"H-Hi, Mr. Renshaw, um, my name's Jesse, and I'm a friend of your daughter's -- "
"I'm sorry, why are you hanging around my daughter?" Mr. Renshaw's voice was sharp and startling.
"Um, we go to the same school, I'm in her grade," Jesse said quickly, "and I saw her down at the café and she asked for a ride home but she fell asleep in the car."
"Goddamnit, she was down at that stupid café again? I keep fucking telling her..."
Jesse never minded anyone who cursed, but coming from Mr. Renshaw, Jesse could feel an uncomfortable shiver running through his whole body.
"Wait -- is she drunk? Did you get her drunk? What did you do to her?" Mr. Renshaw jumped on Jesse so quickly that Jesse almost stumbled backwards in scared shock.
"No, sir, you have the wrong idea, I didn't do anything to her. And I don't drink anyways."
"Heh, you don't drink? I doubt that," Mr. Renshaw looked Jesse up and down, his nose crinkling in some sort of disgust.
"I didn't do anything," Jesse repeated.
"Then why does my daughter look dead?"
"Do you even know what's been going on with her? She hasn't been at... at school for two weeks and she can hardly stay awake," Jesse tried to say as politely as possible.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Mr. Renshaw turned back and yelled into another room, "Hey, Derek, c'mere!"
A guy who looked about Jesse's age came up behind Mr. Renshaw. He was tall as well and had a glaring, angry look to him.
"Look at this stupid kid, he's been messing around with your sister it seems," Mr. Renshaw sneered. Jesse inferred now that Mr. Renshaw was probably drunk and he wouldn't be surprised if he shared any with his son.
"You're screwing my sister?" Derek's eyebrow raised.
"No, no, hey man, I never said that," Jesse said defensively.
"You have the audacity to come to my house and question my parenting?"
"Look, I'm just worried about Devon. So I took her home so she could be safe," Jesse said, although he was wary that she would not be safe here at all.
Derek reached forests and roughly grabbed Devon's arm and pulled her inside.
"Hey, yo, you're welc -- "
The door slammed in Jesse's face.
a/n: ugh I'm really unsatisfied with how I ended this chapter, I was rushing to finish another because I feel bad for never updating any of my stories. I hope this was an acceptable chapter anyway, though. I'll do better on the next one. Don't forget to vote and give any feedback! I really enjoy writing this and I hope y'all enjoy reading it!
--amy