* * *
That was how Jeongguk found himself in front of Taehyung's door, the next day, sick with terror, deathly pale, wondering what the hell he was doing here.
Jimin could be persuasive. Jeongguk had thought about it all night - and, consequently, didn't get a wink of sleep - alternating between going there and being brave for the first time in his life, saying his piece even if he ended up hurt in the process. Or taking the cowardly option and spending the day in bed, not thinking about Taehyung, and preferably never thinking about him again.
But it was impossible to never think about him again, not only because yes, Jeongguk did fucking love him, but also because they'd had sex in that bed enough times that Jeongguk couldn't think about anything else when he lay on it now.
If I go there and it goes wrong, am I going to regret it? he thought, only to hear a voice in his head replying: maybe, but if you don't go there, won't you regret it even more?
Never going there. Never seeing Taehyung again. Never finding out if he was afraid for nothing. Maybe there was nothing to be afraid of.
And then Jimin had texted him. I'm at Yoongi's all day, in case you wonder. Go and make him stop crying. Building's door code is 201306.
And really, it was the thought of Taehyung spending another day alone and crying that got him standing up and heading towards his apartment.
Trust, he thought. The last step.
Except that now, standing in front of Taehyung's closed door, he wasn't so confident anymore. He was completely terrified.
This was a mistake.
But when he turned to leave, the door opened and Taehyung himself appeared, eyes puffy and red, greasy hair, looking simultaneously terrible and as beautiful as ever, an old wool cardigan thrown on his shoulders, what looked suspiciously like a pajama shirt underneath it, and a grass green sweatpants with holes in it. His fashion quota was taking a hard hit, and yet, Jeongguk couldn't help but find him gorgeous.
When he looked up from the floor and noticed Jeongguk in front of him, he yelped, and Jeongguk jumped out of his skin. Without thinking, acting on purely automatic impulse, he bolted towards the elevator.
"Wait!!" Taehyung shouted, following after him.
Jeongguk hammered on the call button, but of course, the elevator had left the floor already, and the metallic doors stayed closed long enough for Taehyung to catch up with him.
He felt Taehyung grab him by the sleeve of his hoodie and turned slowly to face him.
God, but he was beautiful, even when he was looking miserable. Right now, he was staring at Jeongguk with wide eyes, hand clasping his sleeve, a voiceless question on his bewildered face.
The silence went on for a bit, until Taehyung stammered: "W... What are you doing here?"
Jeongguk sighed. It was too late to back up now. "Where were you going?"
"The... The convenience store," Taehyung mumbled, "I've run out of food..."
"I'll get you something?" Jeongguk offered. "Stay here, I'll come back with something to eat."
"No!" Taehyung exclaimed, looking scared. "You're never coming back."
"I am coming back," Jeongguk assured.
"No," Taehyung insisted. "I don't want you to leave. Not before you tell me why you're here."
Jeongguk stared at him. He really looked worse for wear, and for the first time, it occurred to Jeongguk that maybe he wasn't the one who suffered the most from their break-up. Maybe it had taken its toll on Taehyung, too.
"Alright," he relented. "Can I come in? We're not talking about this in the hallway."
"O-Okay..."
Still firmly gripping his sleeve, Taehyung dragged him back to the door and only let go of him once inside.
The place was a mess, Jeongguk noted. There was a blanket on the couch, empty bottles of all sorts of drinks on the coffee table, countless chips bags, ripped open, abandoned on the floor, empty ramyeon cups all over the place, clothes strewn everywhere. The living room was unrecognizable. No wonder Jimin had begged Jeongguk to do something.
"I'm trying to keep my promise," Taehyung spoke behind him. Jeongguk turned to look at him. He was wringing his hands nervously, looking at the floor. "I cancelled the subscription. I didn't go to the bar yesterday, even though I wanted to, because I needed to see you so bad. I'm trying here, Jeongguk. So you better have a good reason to be here, because you can't set up rules and then break them whenever you please."
"You set them up," Jeongguk pointed out. "You decided to stop."
"Exactly. Can't you respect that?"
Oh, that was rich. Jeongguk almost wanted to laugh.
"Did you ever respect me telling you that I didn't want to see you? You even signed up for personal training lessons with me. How's that for respect?"
Taehyung looked up at him, startled, then sighed. "Touché. So what do you want?"
"I want to talk to you."
"I don't think..."
"So I will talk," Jeongguk cut him off, "and you will listen, and if, after I say what I have to say, if you still want me to go, I'll go. But first, I'll talk."
"I love a bossy man," Taehyung replied, though his face was gloomy.
"I know you do."
Taehyung blushed, and Jeongguk felt a sudden burst of affection dilating his heart. He had to tell him everything, now.
The problem was, he didn't know where to start. So he stayed silent, figuring out what he was going to say, eyes fixed on Taehyung, who was raising an eyebrow.
"Jeongguk? I thought you wanted to say something."
"Yeah. I'm thinking about how I'm going to say it."
And suddenly, he saw it in Taehyung's gaze; a complete, yet tiny change in demeanor. Suddenly, Taehyung straightened his shoulders, almost imperceptibly; his eyes lightened up; hope was written all over his face.
And just after that, fear, as plain as the nose on his face, fear of letting himself hope for nothing.
"Jeongguk," he begged in a low voice. "Whatever you have to say, please say it. I'm dying here."
He looked so nervous, so ready to be crushed, yet so hopeful, that Jeongguk decided he had no choice but to say it like it was.
"I love you."
Taehyung gasped, and Jeongguk, heart racing in his chest, was in a prime spot to see the myriad of emotions that crossed his beautiful face. A smile was beginning to appear on his lips, but Jeongguk raised a hand.
"But," he said, and the smile immediately faded, "I don't know if it's enough. I love you, but I don't trust you. I'm not confident you're not fooling me a second time."
"I'm not!" Taehyung cried, taking a step forward and grasping at Jeongguk's hoodie. "I know that you don't believe this, but I wasn't even fooling the first time around. I kept quiet about something that I should have disclosed to you from the start, and it led to you thinking I was playing you all along. But I swear, Gukkie, I swear to you, it's not true. I loved you. I was never planning to break up with you! Can you believe me about that?"
Jeongguk stayed silent for a short while, eyes cast downwards. "I spent years thinking the opposite. Thinking you manipulated me, that you tricked me, that every little thing we did was meaningless, that every moment I spent with you was a lie. You were my first everything, Taehyung. First love, first kiss, first sex. And suddenly, here I was, thinking none of it had ever been real."
When he looked up, silent tears were streaming from Taehyung's eyes. "Gukkie," he whispered, voice croaky, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
"It's ok, Taehyung. I've forgiven you."
"R... Really?" Taehyung exhaled.
"Yeah. I forgave you at some point, during the past three months. I love you, and I forgive you, but I can never go through something like this again. I can't. And I'm taking a fucking risk here. I'm terrified, not that you're going to say that you don't love me, but I'm terrified that you're going to say that you do, and that I'll believe you, once again, and that I'll end up... like I ended up the first time."
"It won't", Taehyung cried, words almost unintelligible, tears dripping from his cheeks and dying on the wool of his cardigan. "It won't! God, Jeonggukie, I'll prove it to you, I don't know how, but I'll prove it to you that you can trust me. I'll prove it to you, Jeonggukie-"
Suddenly, he was sobbing too much for Jeongguk to make sense of his words; he had no choice but to pull Taehyung against him and hold him tightly, inhaling the smell of his hair while Taehyung was bawling in his neck.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jeonggukie, I'm sorry..."
"I know, Taehyung," Jeongguk murmured, gently stroking his neck. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I was so distant with you. It felt like the only way I had left to protect myself."
"You don't need to anymore," Taehyung sobbed. "I promise you. You don't need to protect yourself from me anymore."
Jeongguk couldn't reply "I know" yet, so he just nodded and kept caressing his neck.
They stayed like this, holding each other, for a long while, until Taehyung managed to calm down a bit, but even when his tears subsided, he refused to let go of Jeongguk.
"I love you," he murmured, after a silence so long Jeongguk wondered if he didn't fall asleep on his shoulder. "I love you so much, Gukkie. I loved you then, and I love you now, and I loved you in between too. You have to believe me."
"I believe you, Taehyung. I love you too. And I'm really sorry I hurt you so much, these past few months. I've been unnecessarily cruel to you."
Finally, Taehyung pulled away a bit, eyes even redder than they were when he'd opened the door earlier, but he clasped Jeongguk's hands in his and squeezed tightly.
"It's okay, Jeonggukie. I get it now. I'm glad you came," he smiled, like a ray of sunshine through stormy clouds. "Sorry you had to see me like this, I'm..." He scrunched his nose in distaste and Jeongguk chuckled, amused.
"I've seen you dressed better, it's true. Smelling better, too." He liked it, though, the scent of Taehyung's dirty hair, of his skin. But Taehyung turned beet red.
"Fuck," he groaned, "this is pathetic. I have to take a shower."
"I can help you with that," Jeongguk smirked. "That is, if you want me to."
Taehyung gawked at him, before giving him a dazzling grin. "I'd very much like that. I have a big shower. You'll like it."
And boy, did he like it.
But he liked it even better afterwards, when they got back to Taehyung's room and Taehyung suggested that they switch, if Jeongguk was up for it.
Jeongguk, in fact, had already bottomed, but never with Taehyung, and it felt once again like the leap of faith he'd taken earlier in the living room, telling Taehyung he loved him; once again, it felt like entrusting him with the deepest, most intimate part of himself.
But he wanted to try.
"Jeongguk," Taehyung slowly exhaled, buried deep inside him. "Is everything ok?"
It was scary, scary as hell, but he could live with that, as long as it was real.
"Yeah," he whispered. "It is."
"I love you. You know that, right? I love you, Jeongguk."
Jeongguk was glad Taehyung couldn't see his face, hidden in his arms, against the pillow. He liked hearing Taehyung say that - loved it, in fact - but he couldn't shake the feeling that it was only temporary, just like in high school, and just like their fuckbuddies relationship.
But Taehyung seemed to understand that, because he pulled out, and gently made Jeongguk turn around so he could look at him in the eyes.
"I know you don't believe it, baby, but I'll keep proving it to you," he said, gently touching Jeongguk's cheek with his hand. "Trust me."
His eyes were overflowing with love, sincerity, and desperation to be believed, and Jeongguk nodded, throat constricted.
"Okay," he murmured, heart thumping with fear and elation. "I trust you."
"Good." Smiling, Taehyung leaned in and kissed him tenderly. "I love you. I love you. I love you, Gukkie. Can I call you Gukkie now?"
"Yeah," Jeongguk smiled, amused. "I love you too, sunbae."
Taehyung stopped dead in his tracks, wide eyes. "It's so weird to hear you calling me that now. I'd rather you called me Taehyung without honorifics."
"Whatever you want, TaeTae."
"You brat," Taehyung tutted. "Call me hyung, then."
"Alright, TaeTae-hyung. Are you going to keep fucking me or not?"
"I hate you."
"You so don't."
"You're right, I don't."
Jeongguk chuckled, ready to continue their banter, but Taehyung cut him off with a kiss, and slid back inside him smoothly, and all coherent thoughts left Jeongguk's mind for good.
It felt fucking amazing, not only because Taehyung was inside him, but also because he was kissing him, caressing him, and showering him with the love and affection that neither of them had ever dared express during sex until now, and it made Jeongguk want to give a little bit back.
"You're beautiful, Tae," he whispered. "You're so beautiful."
"I am?" Taehyung asked, eyes wide. "I thought you couldn't care less what I looked like."
Jeongguk immediately knew what he was talking about. "Yeah, because you're always beautiful. I just couldn't tell you that back then."
"Fuck," Taehyung swore, softly knocking his forehead against Jeongguk's. "You're gonna be the death of me, Jeon Jeongguk."
Under Taehyung's gentle hands, with sweet murmurs in his ear, Jeongguk was finally able to let go of his fears for a moment and let himself enjoy it without having to hide his feelings.
And when the peak came, it felt even more mind-blowing than usual, with Taehyung holding him tightly and moaning in his ear, one hand linked with his, the other wrapped around his cock. He couldn't help but kiss Taehyung's sweaty brow, getting a kiss in the neck in return when his lover reached his orgasm.
As soon as Taehyung pulled out, once he got his breathing back, and after tying and throwing the condom away, he pulled the blanket over them and squeezed himself against Jeongguk.
"Cuddles," he declared categorically.
Jeongguk grinned. "Cuddles," he replied, wrapping his arms around Taehyung, who looked up at him.
"So you were robbing me on purpose every time, you cruel, cruel man. I knew you loved cuddles."
"I'm making up for it now."
"Now and for the years to come too, I hope."
Jeongguk's heart jumped in his chest. Thinking about years with Taehyung seemed inconceivable, but the way he was looking at him right now, defiant, almost fierce, gave Jeongguk a sentiment of hope he'd never felt since high school.
"Yeah," he replied quietly, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips. "For the years to come too."
* * *
It's my birthday ^_^
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