Lianna
It's been two months since i said those things to Mo and he won't even look at me . I don't even know why I'm so sad and hurt we don't even go together. I stopped texting Malik . He was trying to talk to me but I honestly wasn't interested. I mean he's good conversation and he's cute but he's not Mo.
Flashback to summer
" Come outside please. I just need you." I said as I sat in my car crying.
" what's wrong LiLi?" Mo said into the phone with his deep voice.
I could tell he was sleeping .
" Open the door." I cried .
When he opened the door he just looked at me because he had never seen me cry ever but I felt so safe with him that I didn't care that he seen me crying. He actually cared about how I felt or how I would feel. He just cared if I just wasn't okay. And with him, it was okay for me to just be and feel however and not be okay , as long as I was with him.... As long as I was in his presence it was always okay. If I just wanted to sit there, we would sit. If I wanted to talk, we wold talk . If I needed to vent, he would listen.
He didn't have a shirt on and I looked at his body and it was nice. He tucked my wild curly hair out of my face and behind my ears. He then wiped my tears away and then just hugged me so tight as I cried . He let go and grabbed my hand and led me to his room . I sat on the bed and he went and locked the door and took my shoes off . He grabbed a shirt from his third draw, grabbed a chair and sat it right in front of me , sitting in it backwards . I remember this day so vividly because I watched his every move and studied him. He looked me in my eyes & I just cried.
" are you ready to talk , LiLi?" He said just above a whisper.
I shook my head yes and closed my eyes so tight as tears fell down. When I opened my eyes he kissed my forehead and my tears and then wiped them away.
" I saw him.. I saw the boy who tried to rape me at the party when I went to go visit my grandparents. I saw him. I saw him at the store with a girl and a guy and he acted like he didn't remember me but I saw his face, he remembered exactly who I was and I saw that scar that I left right above his left eye when I hit him with the chair that was next to the bed to get him off of me. I saw him and I actually got scared like... like Killa isn't my father . Like I'm not Lianna Brown. I'm his daughter I need to protect myself. I represent him!"
" what store? Lets go now. He's dead" he said getting up and grabbing his gun from his shoe box. " I swear imma kill that bitch ass Nigga. Let's go NOW Li . Now !!" He yelled.
" No Mo please. Just no. Just come hold me." I cried.
I felt so weak like I couldn't protect myself. I wanted people to know my name and see me how they see my father just not with all the stuff he has done because I knew I would never be about that life and he would never let me but I wanted that respect and that fear kind of I just wanted people to know not to fuck with me .. and they do, but not this kid at the party I mean he really tried to rape me and at first I froze up just like I did tonight at the store seeing him.
I laid down on Mo's bed and he laid down beside me and just held me so tight. Like I felt so safe. No one could ever make me feel this way, so safe and it's like I hated him for making me feel this way but I loved this boy but I couldn't let myself show it because I just couldn't be weak for him . I couldn't let him know how weak in the knees and open he has me. He should know because he deserves it, he's so good to me . Here I am 2 am showing up unannounced while he was sleeping and he's just here for me.
" You are my safe space Maurice. Nobody makes me feel this safe." I whispered in his arms.
" You're my safe space too. And nobody could ever make me feel how I feel about you mamas , you're always safe with me Lianna. You hear me?" He said kissing my lips.
I shook my head and then reached in to kiss him. He kissed me so passionately. It was just the best feeling. I was scared. I was scared to feel the things he makes me feel. I hate him for this. He'll hurt me if I let him too in.
" how come your like this with me but nobody else? I've known you since I was 5 and you're an asshole. But not to me. Why ? Why do you say the things you do to me?" I asked
" because I love you and I mean it. You helped me be a better person . I can talk to you. You're so pretty with a cold front but you're soft with me . Your touch," he said as he made my hand touch his heart. " it's everything to me and I chased you for years because I know you . I just know your it for me . I really love you girl." He said as he looked into my eyes. .
" Maurice don't... don't do that .. don't make me vulnerable by saying things you don't mean..."
" But I do ... and you know that & I think you feel the same." He said
" Then tell me something you never told anybody or that no one knows...." I said
" Okay.... Well remember how I told you I never knew my dad? I found him on my last birthday and I asked your pops to go with me to see him but just stay in the car. All these years I never knew him and I know you know how that fucks me up and then for my mom to not be sure which guy it was, was just embarrassing . So I found him... and I went to his house... he had 2 other sons, one older than me and one younger. He told me I could come inside and we sat and we talked man to man and he explained how he didn't love my mom and he had a wife and a kid and his wife would leave him if she knew . So he paid my mom to stay away. When I was two, they came back looking for me after his wife just had her second son and found out that she couldn't have anymore kids after him. They came and found me and asked my mom could they pay her money, however much she wanted a month to keep me and raise me and she said no because I was all she had & that I was her son & his wife said if he ever came to see me again .. she would leave him & he couldn't see his kids .. so he didn't .. I sat there talking to him , crying at the truth ... his wife came in from work and saw me there ... she knew who I was because I look exactly like my father, more than his other kids did & she said " tell him right now that you want him to leave and you don't love him. Tell this boy that now." And my father looked at her and said " I can't ... he's my son alisha " and she said " tell him you DONT love him or that is it for us." I looked at my father and he looked at me and said " son , you have to go ... I don't love you , I never will... and you can't come back" with tears in his eyes when he said that shit to me. When I left out and had got back in the car with your father balling crying, he said " do I need to go in there and kill every last one of them mf's?" I shook me head no . Then he said " do you wanna talk about it?" I shook my head no again with tears in my eyes as I took one last look at my father on the porch and said " no . And I never will either" and with that we drove off......
He silently cried to me. I didn't even realize until I felt a tear hit my cheek. I looked up at him and he was now crying so hard , that I cried too ..
" you know he meant the opposite. He just couldnt stand up to his stupid wife. He really said son you have to stay in my life.. I love you , and I will always love you ... come back one day.... That's what he really said and you just have to believe that...."
He just laid there and held me tighter ....
" you are so good to me. Thank you ." He whispered.
" no thank you for always being so great to me Mo." I said
" Mo .. I think I-
" you think you what?" He whispered looking into my eyes.
My head was pounding from all the crying...
" never mind .. I'm tired can I sleep here again?" I asked
" I mean you been sleeping here for almost 2 weeks .... Sike nah .. you'll always be able to stay here with me whenever you want.."
" thank you Mo"
And that was the last thing I said before I fell asleep in his arms....
FLASHBACK OVER
I told Mo I hated him because when I found out he fucked Crystal and had a 3 sum ... my heart broke ... I felt like our time in the summer meant nothing to him. I know I wasn't clear about my feeling but he knew ... he always does. And I just don't understand how that wasn't enough still .
I sat in gym with Nia and then Crystal came over. I rolled my eyes.
" Nia , you better get that bitch." I said
" look I need to talk to you . Both of you. Look you can hate me. I'm new to the school, the neighborhood, hell this state. You guys were my first friends here and we were getting to know each other . I didn't grow up with you guys so I had no idea that you liked Mo. you didn't talk to me about him and you acted like you didn't like him so I just didn't know . But had I known, I would have never . I'm not a bad person. I just was trying to get over my ex who now goes here too. I don't want to be labeled as a hoe and I don't want to be labeled as a bad friend in your eyes . I know you don't let people in , either of you because you always had each other . So I was the third to come, and I loved that for us & im sorry from the bottom of my heart . I really didn't know. And if it makes you feel any better, he showed no passion and he didn't even text me back after . He just asked if I had made it home and I said yeah and that was literally the last I heard from him . So when I told my girls , about it trying to vent about a fuck boy .... I had no idea that was your boy ... I'm sorry and I hope you forgive me. I really liked being you girls friend . My mom and dad are going through a rough patch and my dad got custody and he moved me here with just me and him . And you guys just feel like home. So I hope you guys can forgive me , especially you Lianna . I talked to Jaleel, and please don't be mad at him but after 2 months of bothering him everyday trying to understand , he gave in. And I understand and I would hate me too. Ya'll became my girls I mean that." She said walking away sad
" NIA , don't go feeling bad for that girl." I said .
" LiLi ... you became that girl friend because ya'll have a lot in common . You know Reese fucked her out of spite . She didn't know and to her defense bitch you act like you don't like him when we both know you love him .. and you scared but it's not fair and him not talking to you , you deserve it ... because you hurt that boy and took advantage of him . You wrong & you should forgive Crystal . She's a cool girl & you really liked her . We both did . And you still do . Reese drug her into this situation to get at you .. she was innocent and used and she didn't know ya'll status . Hell if I wasn't here , I wouldn't know either . Because you act like you don't like him ... while he in love with you ... he was like Earkle in family matters chasing you ... now you hurt that boy thinking before he hurt you but he wouldn't .. now you feeling it because he won't talk to you ... now we going to lunch and you gonna talk to him" she said to me
She was right ... omg she was so spot on
" He won't talk to me NiNi . Like he acts like I don't exist. He hates me foreal . I didn't mean it when I said I hate him Nia and you know that ." I said frustrated
" well you say it so much to him this time he felt you meant it. He's hurt. You had a prince and treated him like a peasant and now he ain't off you . So do what you need to do to get your man." She said
" im not chasing him. He won't say nothing to me. He act like I ain't there. I'm not about to look dumb, thirsty , or beat," I honestly said
" Girl that's your problem... so fucking prideful just like uncle Jay . Stop . You don't wanna look dumb , thirsty, or beat ? Like he did since we was kids chasing you. I'm going to always be honest with you as you do me . That's why we so close & you hate me for it but you listen and get over it . That's why you don't have no friends ... because you push everybody away and you pushed somebody away that's irreplaceable.. everybody else the friends ? You always have me so it don't phase you & guys that came along that you pushed , you always had Reese ... two irreplaceable people & I can't fulfill what Reese can because bitch you my cousin & that's nasty" she said making us both laugh.
" I'm just going to go home for the day and think. I'll go by his house later to talk to him." I said putting my stuff in my bag.
" Bitch don't lie. You promise ?"
" I promise NiNi dang." I said getting annoyed .
Jaleel
Me, Nia and Reese was walking to the cafe.
" Where Li?" I asked
Nia looked at Reese.
" you know he ain't talking to me asking about that girl." He said opening the cafe door.
" Don't do that to my cousin Nigga." She said pushing his shoulder.
" I ain't doing nothing at all to that girl." He said back sitting down
" Stop calling her that girl but she went home for the day but that's the problem, It's almost been 3 months Reese. She sorry and she wants to tell you and you know that's big of her. She's trying." She pleaded for Lianna.
" I don't care how long it's been. I don't want her trying nothing. I don't want nothing to do with her and I made that clear. She hate me and I hate her and that's that."
" Bro shut up . You love her and she love you." I said
They be acting so stupid and be pissing me off. This girl Gia that Reese just started fucking walked up.
" hey Reese !" She said hugging him
Nia looked at the girl , then Reese & then at me.
" what tf is going on here?" Nia said looking Gia up and down.
" Nia.... Please just mind your business on this one." Reese said aggravated.
I just chucked a little bit because I know she wasn't gonn just let it go.
" No I won't just mind my business . The way you up on him making me feel like ya'll fucking and I know you ain't fucking her while you in a whole relationship with my cousin Lianna ?" Nia said.
This girl a trip . She go to war for Lianna and she do the same for her . I was trying so hard not to laugh.
" wait . Pretty Lianna? With the curly hair? He didn't tell me anything about that." She said looking so mad at Reese.
" Yeah girl . The only girl for Reese . And he didn't tell you but I am." She said getting up in Gia face.
I stepped in the middle .
" girl I'm not scared of you." Gia said
Oh God . She about to act like her daddy .
" Oh bitch you ain't scared ? Ohh okay ." Nia said so calmly like her crazy ass father
Right after that she knocked Gia upside her head with the metal napkin holder. After that Reese pulled Gia back.
" Look . Nia stop please . Lianna chose to do that shit on her own . I'm done playing games . Gia.. I haven't spoken to Lianna in almost 3 months . I still have to see her because our families are close and we go to the same damn school . That's it." He said
" wait so you like this bitch? Got you explaining shit and stuff. Like what is this ?" Nia said looking them both up and down .
" yeah he do actually . It's more than just fucking. You know I actually thought you were sweet." Gia said.
" Over my cousin & her man ? bitch you thought wrong . The fuck you thought this was. Matter fact why this bitch still at our table Reese?" Nia said getting mad as hell
" Man . Gia can you just wait for me by my car? I'll meet you there in a few and we can go to my house ." Reese said
Gia walked away, heading to Reese's car
" You giving this bitch rides? What the fuck is at your house that you need to go there with her? I'm telling LiLi." She said getting up from the table.
" Bro get your girl or whatever she is to you . She fucking my shit up. I don't care if she tell Li or not." He said putting his hoodie on
" Nigga you care because I see the look on your dumb ass face when she said she was telling LiLi. Can't fool me brother . And you know we working towards a relationship so don't fuck this shit up for me , fucking up with Li . You feel me? I said chuckling .
" Li fucked that up and made shit perfectly clear 3 months ago." He said walking out.
I followed behind him.
" Aigh man whatever you say. If you leaving I'm leaving too. Yooooo Nia come on , we out."
I got into my car with Nia and Reese got into his car with Gia. We pulled off and Nia phone started ringing . I already knew it was Li. She answered the FaceTime.
" Girl ... what ? So now he fucking Gia?" Li asked
" Yeah girl and when I said you was his man, he said to her that he ain't spoke to you in three months & bitch they going to his house right now." She said
Li started to cry. I pulled the car over.
" Where you at Li? We gonna come get you." I said
" I'm home. Come get me and take me to him." She said sadly.
" go get my cousin and take her to that fuck Nigga house." Nia said turned up .
She so chill but fuck with Lianna , she her daddy daughter then. I chuckled.
" I'm not doing that. I'll pick you up but I'm not taking you there while Gia there." I said
I'm not gonna bring that mess to his house.
" Jaleel , if you are my bestfriend-
Nia cut her off
" And my Nigga !!! You gonn take her there , that's what she was tryna say but being nice about it because she over there crying over this dumb ass Nigga. Go fucking get her now. Or take me home and imma drive to go get her and take her there tf." She yelled at me.
I knew I wasn't gonna win this battle with these two and plus they need to talk . Reese stubborn and so is Lianna so he ain't gonn say he miss her but I know he do. He ain't just over somebody he devoted his whole life to tryna get them to be with him . Come on now . I just don't want them to talk bringing her to his house while Gia there because they might jump both of them.
" okay. Be there in 5 Li. Just be calm please and don't go trying to fight that girl." I said
" if she wanna fight her she can and will period . And that's tf that. But Lianna , sister to sister .. us talking please be calm and don't fight her please . You know how you are sistah ." Nia said literally saying the same shit I just said
I just shook my head and drove to get Lianna
Reese
I just finished fucking Gia . I don't like her like that but the sex is good and she don't do too much . But maybe I can grow to like her eventually, but for now it's just casual sex . We don't kiss or nothing affectionate . I mean I hug her but I do listen to her when she talks . I'm not an asshole to her, but I told her I'm not looking for anything but sex right now and she said okay. So okay . A knock at the door broke me out my thoughts.
" omg . You think that's your mother?" Gia said getting dressed .
" nah . My mother wouldn't be knocking at the front door . This her house." I said putting my shorts on and a shirt.
I walked to the front door to open it and it's Lianna.. not right now man . I just stared at her because I really have no nice words for her .
"You just gonna stare at me? Either step out or let me in & I know you don't wanna do that with ole girl being in there." She said without an attitude surprisingly.
" what you want Lianna?" I said stepping onto the porch sitting on the chair.
" I want to apologize." She said not even looking at me.
" you wanted to what?" I said in a rude tone.
" I said I wanted to apologize Mo." she said now looking at me teary eyed.
" Nah ain't no need for that . We good." I said getting up to go inside .
" don't go Mo . Please just listen to me." She said pulling my arm now crying.
" please don't stand here crying in my face thinking I'm just gonna forgive you because I'm not . I don't really want to hear it and I'm not gonna waste either of our time anymore. Go home." I said walking back to my front door.
" just like that Maurice? You just gonna go back to your hoe you fucking ?" She yelled pushing me .
" That's exactly what im gonna do." I said nonchalantly.
" Maurice . Im sorry . Like I really apologize and im just tryna step outside of my prideful ways & express how I feel to you . You don't care anymore? Tell me to my face you don't care." She cried out.
" I don't care anymore Lianna." I said looking her in her eyes.
" You don't mean it .... I just hurt you and I'm sorry . I'm sorry I hurt you ... Maurice I love you.. and I'm scared because you just know why and I'm just I'm sorry I'm so fucked up . I'm sorry I'm a fuck up. . I don't now how to be better . But I'm trying but I know .. I know .. I know I.. I love you .." she said crying hysterically.
" oh now you know? Hmm. Well I don't love you." I spat coldly pushing her off me and slamming the door.
I heard her cry so hard on the porch & I could hear leel & Nia talking to her now.
" open this mfing door Reese!!!" Nia said banging on the door.
" stop Nia . Let him be." Lianna said crying .
I couldn't hold it in no more . I started to cry so hard and then Gia came downstairs.
" Go back upstairs and get your stuff." I yelled at her and turned my back so she wouldn't see my tears.
I wanted her to leave but not while Lianna and Nia out there like that . They gonn beat the shit out Gia ass. I love Lianna . That's the love of my life but I'm tired of her saying she hate me, don't care about me, don't want me all these things and I'm supposed to take it... she threw the one thing in my face that I told her to make her know I trust her and love her . She used it against me. When she loss her virginity to whoever last summer I was so hurt because I wanted it to be me but I didn't judge her because she was so upset about it and never wanted to talk about it so I had to get over it to not make her feel bad when I felt bad because I loved her and another Nigga that wasn't me took what was mine. I take a lot of shorts when it comes to Lianna. I was there for her every time and I thought that matter most being that she didn't have that & it didn't . She don't see me after all these years and it honestly hurts.
Somebody knocked on the door . I just put my head on it hoping it wasn't Lianna .
" who is it?" I asked
" It's Jaleel and Nia." leel said .
I opened it..
" please ya'll..." was all I could get out to say without breaking down.
" Tell Gia to come downstairs . I'll get her an Uber home." Jaleel said
" I'm not doing that while Lianna out there. I'm not choosing I just don't want Gia beat up over a situation in put her in." I said in a low tone.
" I won't let her touch her Reese. Just have her leave . She don't need to be here right now." Nia said .
" why she get to do this to me?..." I said with my head on the door in a very low tone but loud enough for them to hear me.
They just looked at me.
" why she get to say the shit she said to me and I gotta be okay because she finally came to her senses ? Well she think she did? She's fucked up and purposely tried to fuck me up even more than what the fuck I really am. Ya'll heard what she said to me and what she tried to do to me and she fucking did it.... Why I gotta talk to her?... why a bitch I wanna go back upstairs and fuck to let some steam off gotta go? ... because that's best for Lianna ? I been tryna do what was best for Lianna since we was kids and Lianna didn't want that from me . She wanted whatever she got from them other niggas that wasn't me and ya'll wanna sit here and make me keep reliving it . Now if I go back to that mf I was and show ya'll who tf ya'll BOTH know I'm trying not to be, I would be wrong .... Especially because that's not what's best for Lianna. Jaleel I ain't even gonn be mad at you bro but what imma say to you is , that's your best friend but Nigga you BEEN mine too . You my dog , my nigga , my slime .. you supposed to rock for me like you do her when it come to her . Anything outside of her i never question you but you treat her like a delicate fucking flower because the shit she been through , because the shit Nia shares with you and because of how you feel about Nia and how Nia feeling about Lianna. I'm tired of that shit too . Nia im tired of you telling her the right thing and she don't listen ... but when I react or be hurt , you try to make me not act on how she make me feel . That shit ain't right . That's your BLOOD but we all grew up together & whether blood or not , you my family too . Stop making excuses for her and using Jaleel to try to make me reason. I can't do that shit no more & if I gotta distance myself from all of ya'll I will ... I just don't want to have to do that because I love all ya'll , both of ya'll like my brother and sister. Please ya'll don't make me do that." I said with a few tears coming down my face.
Nia put her hand over her mouth gasping and then she hugged me. I didn't hug her back at first because I didn't wanna break down but then I did... and I couldn't stop crying .. that shit she said hurt me with all my being..
" I'll go get Gia. Lianna is in the car." I said going upstairs.
" I won't let her fight her." Nia said rubbing my back.
" Nia I really need you to know I put in years. Like I know you know but understand . Years of nothing and she could say them things to ME? Me ? Empty years on her part but so much fulfillment on mine? Every birthday, every Christmas , every fucking time I was needed and she say that shit to me?
" I'm not taking away from your pain , hers, I'm not picking a side or nothing. But maybe over the years she gave YOU all she could give to you because she was scared. Or maybe she didn't wanna mess up and lose you forever-"
I cut her off...
" that's the thing she played with my feelings so much over the year and I took the hurt because I thought it would be worth it in the future ... if she tried, she couldn't have lost me.. ever . I'm not hearing it NiNi. I'm not" I said
" I understand. But shes just broken Mo and I know you know that .. it's not right . We all have issues but she just doesn't know how to deal with them in a positive way that we have .. she'll get there but once upon a time we weren't always the people we are & we still have a lot of growing to do . We got over the first few humps, she didn't and that's okay ... we just gotta love her a little harder . I'm not her best friend because we cousins .. I'm her best friend because of the person I am to her . When she pushes I pull harder because that's what she needs..." Nia said
Just then Gia comes out and Jaleel follows her, carrying her bag. She looks at me with a concerned , hurt look.
" Are you okay? Walk me out..." she said.
" im about to call her an Uber bro." Jaleel said
Before I could respond Lianna got out the car and Nia ran over to stop her... I grabbed Gia arm making sure she wouldn't try no shit either .
" I just wanna talk to her. I swear on my father's life I won't hit her." She said with so much pain in her voice.
" Look... Lianna I don't know what you guys have going on but I didn't know anything about it and when I asked him, he said he hasn't spoken to you. I'm just trying to be happy." Gia said
Oh God. She might shoot this bitch or something.
" You just want to be happy? With Maurice?" Lianna asked moving closer to her.
" Yes I do & I would appreciate it if you wouldn't pop up because every time you pop up or your name does it's some shit. Respectfully." Gia confessed.
" you'd appreciate it if I wouldn't just pop up? You know how long I have known Maurice?" Lianna asked getting even closer .
" look I don't think that matters because he said ya'll not together and he said ya'll never were." Gia said
" since we was fucking 5 years old." Lianna said, completely ignoring what Gia just said.
" you don't know me and you probably never will get to... I was stupid.... So stupid that I may have just loss something that I didn't even know I needed till a couple months ago. You ever have the boy of your dreams right in your face but you can't sleep because you scared that if you go to sleep and have him you'll never wake up again or if you do wake up again you won't be able to breathe again? Do you even know what that means or what that feels like ?" She said with a tear in her eye. " You love him?"
" I don't but from what I know, I really like him and I want to see where it goes." Gia said
" Lianna you need to go please. Like just stop you're embarrassing yourself." I said getting annoyed at her questioning Gia .
" embarrassing myself ? You mean how you embarrassed me by fucking my friend or having a three sum like our time in the summer meant nothing . The way you would hold me and kiss me meant nothing? But I'm embarrassing myself ? No you fucking embarrassing me Maurice!!!" She yelled in my face .
" Anything I ever said to you or how I touched you always meant everything to me. You wanna talk about embarsssing??? I chased you since I was 5, 6 years old before I even could understand what tf this shit was I already knew it was supposed to be you !!! I embarrassed myself for years chasing after somebody who only wanted me behind closed doors WHENEVER she was going through something not because she wanted me..."
Gia just got in her Uber and left.. I'll call her later for sure.
" you had sex with someone when after we started doing things together . Spending time together and talking to each other ... I ain't fuck nobody till you did that shit to me and I couldn't talk to you about it because I couldn't feel how I felt because me feeling a way made you feel a way!!! You went and fucked somebody when I thought we was building !!! And then you said that shit to me , that I ain't never tell nobody . You asked me to tell you something I never told nobody to prove I loved you .. to make you feel safer and I did and look what you did . You hate me so much what tf you here for my nigga? LEAVE!!!" I yelled in her face making Jaleel pull me back.
She just stared at me...
" okay .. I'm sorry Mo . I am" she said with her head down.
" No pick your fucking head up." I said lifting her face. " look at me in my eyes and look what you did to me." I yelled in her face still holding her chin.
She begin to cry so hard that her body started to shake.
" Lianna , what is it?" Nia said grabbing her so she wouldn't fall because her knees begin to buckle.
" stop tryna fucking baby her . Let her feel that shit. She need to feel this for once." I spat.
" nah bro . She never cry like this. You know that. Look at her man" Jaleel said
" nah bro . I've seen it last week when I told her everything I told her and she came over here because she seen that Nigga . We been here before." I said looking at her not giving one fuck right now..
I started to walk away ...
" MO !" She yelled
I kept walking..
" MO!" She cried
I still kept walking ..
" Maurice... I'm trying to tell you something that I never told anybody to show you really love you & I trust you and I want you ..." she yelled, still crying ..
I stopped and thought, do I even wanna know what it is.. Maybe I need to rethink all of this about me and her .. but I can't just forgive what she said to me ...
" He raped me Maurice... I lied because I didn't want you to look at me the way you're looking at me right now .. I didn't want you to tell my dad & ya'll both go do something and I'll lose you both forever . Then I seen him again that night and he looked at me like I was nothing , like he didn't know me .. and we were doing so good and it's like I went back to acting like I didn't care.. and then I couldn't and then the first day of school ... I found that out and I just said that shit to hurt you like I was hurting... I didn't lose my virginity, it was just taken ... the route we been going .. it woulda been you .. last month I told my mom , father, and basically the family because I had to tell them everything because I just needed help to get you to talk to me and I was dying inside knowing that happened and what I did to you. I didn't want you to think I was dirty!! I'm fucking sorry." She cried
Wow. I couldn't even say anything ... I didn't know how to feel. I felt stupid for everything. This shit all got bad because she was raped and I got jealous thinking it was something else because she told me she wasn't a virgin anymore but she regretted it because of me.... I had no idea .. this girl has always been so difficult .. I don't get it why push me away like that? I really couldn't find the words to say anything because I felt for her, I was mad at myself , her, I just didn't wanna say the wrong thing right now.
" don't just stare at me say something !!!!"
" I can't .. I don't want to say the wrong thing." I said now touching her face ..
" say you love me and you still want me." She said as she cried into my chest.
" I can't say that to you right now Li." I said rubbing her head
I was being honest I couldn't right now . I didn't know if I could say that . I feel for her but nobody understand how fucked up I am over what she said to me .. words mean everything.
" MAURICE . I'm fucking sorry I was raped . I'm sorry you couldn't take my virginity !!!" She yelled hitting me in the chest.
" if you think I'm hurt because I couldn't take your virginity then you don't fucking know me. I feel for you.. I am so sorry that happened to you and if I could undo it for you I'm pretty sure I would. The timing of how you told me it's a lot to process. I cannot give you what you need from me right now in this moment." I said truthfully
" you walked away from me that day at school . I know I said fucked up shit but you walked away that time .. what was I supposed to do? Chase you? She pleaded
" YES !! Absolutely . Fucking yes because I chased you for years. All our life and you dissed me and came to play with me when you wanted , when it was convenient for you. Why you couldn't chase me for once after you hurt me the worse ever this time? Because you a prideful , privileged bitch !" I spat .
She just started to cry . See this why I didn't wanna talk right now but it's always her way only and I hate that shit . I'm saying how I feel but just in the wrong way man. But am I ? Or am I just not saying it how I wanna say it because of what she going through ? I walked in the house and shut the door or all of them. I slowly walked up the stairs to my room, took out my weed and started to roll. My phone dinged and I seen I had a message for Lianna:
I'm sorry Mo. I just had to tell you. No more excuses. No more games. I'll respect your space...... for now. You're right, I am a prideful privileged BITCH like you said.... I'll be better I promise
I read the message and threw my phone down. She need to be better for her damn self and not me. I lit my blunt and turned on my music. I just need to zone out right now before I do some shit I shouldn't and calm down