KABANATA 4
MY hips moved back and forth. Kuya Clarence was sliding in and out of me while his mouth was on mine. He kissed me as his movements grew harder and faster. He grabbed my hips before he plunged one last time. Then he was pulling out quickly while calling out my name.
Bumagsak ako sa kama pagkatapos ng lahat. Naramdaman ko ang pagtayo ni Kuya Clarence at pag-alis niya. My eyes were closed and my body was tired. Nanghihina ako at nanlalambot.
I felt really sleepy and was about to doze off when I felt a warm cloth touched my skin.
"Let's clean you first before you sleep," bulong ni Kuya Clarence habang hinihila ako mula sa antok.
Idinilat ko ang aking mga mata. I stared at Kuya Clarence and studied his face. May nais akong malaman pagkatapos ng nangyari.
His eyes were soft. He was also exhausted. Pero bukod sa mga iyon, mayroong iba pa akong nakita.
"As much as I want to clean you under the shower, you look very tired right now. I want you to rest, okay? Are you hungry?"
Umiling ako. Napangiti ako dahil sa nakitang pag-aalala sa kaniyang mga mata.
He smiled, too, but there was confusion in his eyes. "What is making you smile?"
"You." Napakasimple ng aking sagot dahil iyon talaga ang dahilan. Siya ang rason ng mga ngiti ko.
"Me?"
Tumango ako. Kusang pumipikit ang aking mga mata pero pilit ko itong idinidilat. Umungol ako nang maramdaman ang marahang dampi ng basang tuwalyita sa gitna ng aking mga binti. I could still feel him there. He left his mark on the skin right above my center. I understood why he did that. Gusto niyang mag-ingat at sang-ayon ako sa ginawa niya.
Napadilat akong muli nang maramdaman ang isang marahang halik sa aking tiyan.
"There. Nice and clean. I could still smell myself on you but this will do for now. We can take a bath tomorrow."
Tumabi siya sa akin. A moan escaped my lips as he cuddled me and buried my face in his chest.
"I love you so much, Angel." That was the last thing I heard.
***
KINABUKASAN ay nadatnan ko ang sarili sa mga bisig ni Kuya Clarence. He was still sound asleep. May lihim na ngiti sa kaniyang mga labi habang natutulog siya. Abala ako sa pagtitig sa kaniyang mukha nang hilahin niya pa ako kaya nawala siya sa paningin ko. Nagdilim ang paningin ko nang sumubsob ang mukha ko sa kaniyang leeg.
"Stop staring at me like that, or else I might take you again," he whispered in my ear.
I inhaled sharply when I realized that he was awake. Kasunod niyon ay pag-iinit ng katawan ko dahil sa kaniyang sinabi.
"You're awake!" bulalas ko.
He chuckled sweetly. "I wasn't. Makakatulog na sana ulit ako pero naramdaman ko ang titig mo. You made it so hard for me to go back to sleep," aniya.
"Anong oras na?" tumingin ako sa paligid pero ang mga braso ni Kuya na nakapulupot sa akin ay pinipigilan ako.
"Still early too get out from bed. Let's stay here like this." Naramdaman ko ang pagdampi ng labi niya sa aking ulo.
"You were calling me in your sleep," he whispered. I could hear the smile in his face.
Pinilit kong kumawala upang matingnan siya. Hinayaan naman niya ako. Nang iangat ko ang sarili, saka ko lang nalaman na may suot na akong damit. I was wearing a white oversized shirt. Siguradong kay Kuya ang damit na ito.
"How are you feeling?" tanong niya sa akin. Hinalikan niya ng isang beses ang aking pisngi. Ang kamay naman niya ay hinahaplos ang aking tiyan sa loob ng t-shirt niya.
"Okay lang," simpleng sagot ko. Hinayaan ko rin ang kamay ko na maglandas sa braso niya.
"Okay lang?" he breathed in my neck. "Hindi ba ... kita nasaktan?"
Saglit kong pinag-isipan ang tanong niya. Hanggang sa napagtanto ko ang ibig sabihin nito. Mabilis ang pag-iinit ng buong katawan ko.
"I-it is painful," nagkandautal-utal kong sagot.
Hinila niya ako at humigpit ang yakap sa akin. "It should be. I'm sorry," may pagsisisi at pagsusumamo sa tono niya.
"Pero kaunti na lang ngayon," utas ko para mawala ang pag-aalala niya.
He signed heavily. What I said didn't lessened his worry.
"I wanted to make love with you so bad I couldn't help myself. I wasn't able to control my desires anymore," pag-amin niya.
I was glad he asked me about it. Ibig sabihin ay may pag-aalala siya sa akin. Hindi lang ang sarili niya ang iniisip niya. Hindi lang siya ang may karapatang masiyahan o masaktan sa aming ginawa.
It was my first time. No one had ever been close to me like that before. I hadn't even been close to any guy until last night. Wala pa akong nagiging kasintahan. Everything that happened last night was a first to me. When he kissed every inch of my body, it was like I was devoured and owned by him. When he took me, all my secrets were revealed. I bloomed into someone I hadn't recognized before. I was laid open to him and he fulfilled me.
Because of those realizations, a question popped in my head. A question that he could only answer.
"When did you ... first realize that you want me?" I asked before I could think twice.
Naramdaman ko ang paninigas niya. I was taken aback by how his body reacted. Napabangon tuloy ako nang kaunti upang tingnan siya sa mukha. Words would be enough but seeing him while he answered would be even better.
"I didn't just want you, Angel. I was hoping I made myself clear to you last night. I made love with you and that's not just because I want you or your body. I love you. I am so in love with that I couldn't endure being away from you even for a second."
May yumakap sa aking dibdib nang sabihin niya sa akin iyon.
"I am in love with you for so long. I think I have always been ever since I laid my eyes on you," pag-amin niya.
I gasped. My jaw dropped after hearing him say that. "Kuya, you met me when I was eight years old!" I reminded him in case he forgot. He was also just a kid back then. How could he tell that he was in love with me when we were just children.
Hinila niya ako paupo hanggang sa magkaharap na kaming nakaupo sa kama.
"It might be a different kind of love back then. I adored you so much. You were so kind and you openly accepted my father and me with all your heart. I was ten and I understood the meaning of living with you. You weren't mad at us for replacing your father. You weren't angry at me for suddenly appearing in your life as your older brother. You wanted me, too. You accepted me wholeheartedly. That time, it was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. Being loved by you felt so wonderful that all I wanted was to reciprocate whatever you gave me."
Habang iniisa-isa ang mga dahilan kung bakit niya ako minahal ay tumulo ang aking mga luha.
"When I was old enough to understand why I was so drawn to you, I learned that it wasn't just brotherly love. I finally understood and admitted to myself that I was in love with you. I am in love with you up until now."
"But you saw me as your little sister," paalala ko sa kaniya.
Bumuntong hininga siya. Tila nahihirapang ipaliwanag sa akin ang sarili.
"I did. But that was because it was instilled in my head that you were supposed to be my little sister. In my heart, I knew I could never see you as one."
"You had a girlfriend when you were in high school." The words were already out of my mouth and it was too late to take it back.
Umayos ng upo si Kuya. His reaction told me that he was surprised by it. Sa huli ay bumagsak ang balikat niya.
I was completely dismayed. My heart sank when he didn't even defend himself and deny it.
"I tried to look at other girls. I was at the peak of recognizing my feelings for you. Litong lito ako. Dahil akala ko, mali ang nararamdaman ko. I was attracted to some of the girls in my batch. I hoped I could use them as distraction. But none of them got passed the point that you reached, Angel. Ikaw lang ang umabot at tuluyang sumakop sa puso ko. You set the standards so high, I doubt if it could be surpassed by the girls I'd meet. No one compares to you."
Hindi ako makapaniwalang pinagdaanan din niya ang mga pinagdaanan ko. Maraming beses ko ring inisip na mali ito. Maraming beses kong itinanggi sa sarili ko na mahal ko siya. He got into my heart and he owned it. My body, my heart and my soul. Kuya Clarence possessed all of it.
"I'm in love with you, too, Kuya," deklara ko.
He groaned painfully. "Clarence please," he begged.
"Hindi pa ako sanay."
"Paano ka masasanay kung hindi mo susubukan? Last night you did it. When you came, you were screaming my name."
My face heated. Nakita siguro niya ang pamumula ng aking mukha kaya hinalikan niya ako roon.
"Alright. I won't force you to do it right away. Malaman ko lang na mahal mo ako, sapat na sapat na sa akin."
His lips travelled until it was on my mouth. His lips were gentle. Unlike that night when its rhythm would change alternately from being gentle to being desperate. Ngayon, as marahan at hindi siya nagsasayang ng oras.
Namahinga ang noo niya sa ibabaw ng aking pagkatapos ng mararahang halik na iyon. "We should eat our breakfast now. Hindi tayo kumain kagabi," he chuckled, like he had thought of something funny.
***
NALIGO ako katulad ng utos ni Kuya pagkatapos naming bumangon sa kama. Siya naman ay nagluto ng almusal namin. I thoroughly scrubbed myself under the shower. I washed myself well not because I wanted to erase last night's memories but because I liked to be clean and fresh when I face Kuya Clarence later.
Pagkatapos maligo, magbihis at mag-ayos ng sarili, humarap akong muli sa salamin. Then, little by little, a series of realizations slowly sunk in. Mula sa unang gabing hinalikan ko si Kuya at sa mga sumunod na araw na iniwasan niya ako. He knew that this was wrong. His words earlier may seem so perfect which made our actions felt so right. Pero, hindi. Iniwasan niya ako dahil alam niya na magiging kumplikado ang lahat kapag sumugal siya rito. Magiging kumplikado dahil mali ito. Mali dahil sa mata ng mga tao ay magkapatid kami. Kahit ang totoo ay hindi.
Then, I thought of Mama. I recalled how my mother had put her trust in us while she was away. What would I do if she found out about what we did?
It was already too late to take everything back. And if ever I had a chance, I wouldn't go back anymore. I didn't regret what we did. Yes, it had consequences, but I didn't regret it.
I found Kuya Clarence in the kitchen. Naisip kong bumaba na lang dito kaysa mag-isip ng kung ano-ano.
Sinalubong ako ni Kuya ng yakap. He sniffed my hair and kissed it. "You smell so good," he commented.
My heart fluttered at that simple comment. Lihim akong ngumiti.
I sat on the chair while waiting for him to finish.
"Tayong dalawa lang naman kaya konti lang ang niluto ko. Do you think this is enough?" tanong niya.
He prepared a simple breakfast. He cooked fried rice, bacon and egg.
"I think that's enough. Hindi rin ako masyadong gutom." Tinulungan ko na siya sa pagkuha ng mga plato at kubyertos.
"Let's eat here. Masyadong malaki ang mesa sa labas. I want to be close to you," aniya kasabay ng isang kindat.
He became even sweeter than before. Dati, ganito na niya ako alagaan at pagsilbihan. Dahil parating wala si Mama, si Kuya ang nag-aasikaso ng lahat. But today was a lot different than the past. Inisip ko tuloy kung ang mga simpleng kilos niya noon ay pagpapahiwatig niya ng pag-ibig sa akin.
We spent the whole day close to each other. May mga sariling gawain siya na tinatapos para sa school at ganoon din naman ako. Mayroon pa kaming tatlong linggo bago ang aming pagtatapos. My teachers decided to give all the exams three weeks earlier so that we would have more time to finish the other requirements. For me, that was a good technique. Hindi masyadong magagahol sa oras at hindi magpapatong-patong ang mga gawain sa dulo ng pasukan.
Kuya Clarence, on the other hand, had a few more deadlines for his pre-med course. Like his father, he wanted to become a doctor. He once told me that it was his dream ever since he was little. Nang malaman niyang may sakit ang kaniyang nanay noon, hinangad na niyang maging doktor sa kagustuhang mapagaling ito. It was too late, though. He was just a child when his mother died. So, he promised to fulfill his dreams and do it for other people.
My parents were both in the medical field. My late father was a psychiatrist who helped a lot of people when he was still alive. It was his passion and he loved his work as much as he loved us. Ang mga ito ay nalaman ko kay Mama.
Despite my parents being in the medical field, I chose another path. I wanted to become a teacher. Ibang-iba man sa tinahak na karera ng aking mga magulang, para sa akin ay magkapareho lang ang layunin nito. Both could help people.
A doctor provides guidance to people regarding their health and wellbeing. A teacher could do the same thing by educating their students minds and hearts. A doctor could cure a patient of an illness and help them in the struggle against death, while a teacher could do it by changing and reforming the lives of children who were misguided due to the cruelty of life.
Ilang beses ko ring kinumbisi si Mama na ito ang pinili kong karera. I respected her dreams for me but I had my own goals that I would like to achieve.
"Are you done with your work?" tanong ni Kuya Clarence sa akin. We were in the living room doing our work. Pareho kaming nakaharap sa laptop.
"Mm-hm," sagot ko. Nag-inat ako ng katawan. "May babasahin na lang akong readings para sa huling requirement ko. Pero ito na lang muna ngayong gabi." Pagod na pagod na ako kaya hindi ko na pinilit ang katawan na tapusin lahat ngayon.
"Tama 'yan. Magpahinga ka muna. Alam kong pagod na pagod ka sa rami ng nangyari," pahayag niyang may ibang kahulugan. He was talking about last night. Hindi ko pa rin iyon nakakalimutan at hanggang ngayon ay nararamdaman ko pa rin iyon. Kuya Clarence had a way of subtly reminding me of it.
He leaned forward to give me a kiss. Another way to remind me of what we have.
Hindi na namin napag-usapan ang mga kapalit ng nangyari kagabi. Hindi rin namin pinag-usapan ang mga mangyayari sa hinaharap. I thought it was a good decision for now. Gusto ko muna sanang tamasahin ang panahon kaysa isipin ang mga kapalit nito.
***
"TUMAWAG si Mama," ito ang bungad sa akin ni Kuya Clarence kinaumagahan ng Lunes. Ginugol namin ang buong araw ng Sabado at Linggo na nasa bahay lang. At sa dalawang araw na iyon ay hindi kami tinawagan ni Mama.
"Kailan?" tanong ko habang lumulukob ang kakaibang kaba sa aking dibdib.
"Kaninang madaling araw. Hindi pa siguro siya nakakapag-adjust sa oras doon kaya alanganin noong tumawag siya," paliwanag ni Kuya. Mababanaag sa mukha niya na nag-aalala rin siya.
Kinagat ko ang aking labi upang mapigilan ang pagbuhos ng emosyon. Ngayon, siguradong ramdam na ramdam ko na ang pangongosensya ng utak ko. Tapos na ang mga oras na kaya ko itong isawalang bahala.
"Anong sabi niya?" Naglakad ako palapit kay Kuya. Handa na akong pumasok sa school. Si Kuya rin ay bihis na. Nakahanda ang almusal sa mesa pero nawalan na ako ng ganang kumain.
"Kinukumusta lang tayo. She asked about you and I told her that you are doing okay." Unti-unting namaos ang boses niya Kuya. Inabot niya ang kamay ko at pinaglaruan iyon. "We can tell her, Angel. Kayang kaya kong sabihin sa kaniya ang totoong nararamdaman ko para sa'yo. Pero iniisip kita. I won't tell her if you're not ready."
Tumungo ako. Humahapdi ang mga mata ko. Bukod sa pagtibok nang mabilis ng aking puso, pumipintig din ang ugat sa aking ulo.
"Hindi ko kayang sabihin ... "
"Then I won't tell her," maagap niyang sabi kasabay ng mahigpit na yakap sa akin. "Ayokong magsinungaling tayo sa kaniya. But if you are not yet ready, then we won't tell her. Hindi pa ngayon."
Tumuloy na ang pagpatak ng aking mga luha.
Umagang-umaga, ito kaagad ang bumungad sa akin. I should have expected this. What did I expect? Did I believe that life would always be rainbows and butterflies? No, it wasn't. Ito pa nga lang ang simula ng kapalit ng pagsugal ko.
Kaya nang makita ko ang pangalan ni Mama na nakarehistro sa aking cellphone nang hapong iyon, kinain ako nang buo ng konsensiyang nararamdaman ko. Katatapos lang ng aking klase. Mamaya ay susunduin ako ni Kuya kagaya ng palagi niyang ginagawa noon pa. Buong araw kong pinag-isipan ang lahat kahit na abala rin ang utak ko sa pag-aaral.
"Hello, 'Ma," pinilit kong pasiglahin ang tono ng aking boses. Deep inside, I was in distress.
"Angel, anak!" mas masigla ang boses ni Mama. Rinig na rinig ang katotohanan doon. "I miss you, hija. Tumawag ako sa Kuya mo kaninang umaga. Hindi ko natantsa na madaling araw pa pala riyan."
"I miss you rin po, Mama," nag-umpisang mamasa ang mata ko. I could only be honest with how much I missed her. Ngunit hindi ko pa kayang magpakatotoo para sa iba ko pang damdamin.
"Are you in school right now? Natuto na akong mag-check ng oras gamit itong cellphone ko. Your cousin here taught me how. Katatapos lang ang huli mong klase, 'di ba?"
"Yes, 'Ma," untag ko. Matipid ang aking mga sagot dahil nakokonsensya ako.
"Okay. I hope you're doing well in school. Kumusta ang mga exams mo?" tanong pa niya.
"Okay lang naman po, 'Ma. Siyempre, mahirap po pero kinaya naman."
"I called to check on you. Miss na miss ko na kayo ng Kuya mo. Is he going to pick you up?"
"Opo. Papunta na po siya." Sinapo ko ang aking dibdib. Matindi ang pagkalabog ng aking puso. Nanginginig din ang kamay ko. "Uh, 'Ma. Kumusta po kayo riyan?" I tried to change the topic. Bukod sa pag-iwas, nais ko ring malaman ang lagay niya sa ibang bansa.
"I'm okay here, anak. 'Wag mo akong alalahanin dito. Your titos and titas are very kind people. In fact, nandito silang lahat sa bahay ng lola mo ngayon," masayang sambit niya. "Pero tulog na sila. I want you to meet them some other time. We can do a video call next time, anak." I could her the genuine happiness in her voice.
Napanatag ako dahil doon.
"Si Lola po? Maayos po ba ang lagay niya?"
I heard her took a deep breath. "She's in the hospital. She's doing great. Ongoing pa ang mga treatment sa kaniya. Visitors can't stay in the hospital kaya nandito ako sa bahay," sagot niya.
Tumango ako. Habang kausap si Mama ay naglalakad ako patungong gate ng school. Tuwing uwian ay sa labas na ako naghihintay kay Kuya Clarence. Madalas ay nagte-text siya kapag malapit na siya at iyon ang hudyat ko ng paglabas sa gate. He already texted me five minutes ago. He must be parked somewhere outside the school's gate.
At tama nga ako. Nakasalubong ko pa ang mga kaklase ko sa labas. Tinuro nila sa akin ang kotseng marahil kilala na nilang sumusundo sa akin.
"'Ma ... uhm, nandito na po si Kuya." Telling her that Kuya's here still made me feel so guilty.
Bumaba si Kuya sa kaniyang sasakyan. He flashed a smile at me. But then, his forehead creased when he saw me talking to someone on the phone.
I avoided his gaze. My eyes went to my classmates who were looking at my brother. Tiningnan pa ako ng isang kaklase kong kilala sa school dahil sa magandang mukha nito. She winked at me. Nahirapan akong intindihin iyon sa una ngunit nang bumalik ang tingin niya kay Kuya, nakuha ko ang nais niyang iparating.
I gulped after I realized the meaning of it. My heart dropped on the ground.
"Angel, anak?"
Nagitla ako nang muling marinig si Mama. Nakalimutan ko na kausap ko pa pala siya. I shook my head and relaxed my body. "'Ma, kakausapin niyo po ba si Kuya?" Ibinalik ko sa tamang huwisyo ang sarili ko.
Natanaw ko ang paglapit ni Kuya sa akin. The crease on his forehead was still there.
"Hindi na. Ikumusta mo na lang ako sa kaniya. Magpapahinga na muna ako rito.. Umuwi na rin kayo at magpahinga. Just please tell your kuya to drive safely."
"Sige po. Bye po, Mama. Mag-ingat po kayo riyan."
"Kayo rin, Angel. Bye and good night!"
Kuya was already in front of me when Mama ended the call.
"Sinong kausap mo?" tanong niya habang nakasunod ang tingin sa cellphone ko. I put my phone in my pocket.
"Si Mama," mahina kong utas.
He was silent for a few seconds. Tumikhim siya pagkatapos ay humakbang ng isa pa palapit sa akin.
My eyes averted to my classmates who were still there watching us. Ciara, the girl who seemed so interested at my brother's presence ogled him unshamedly.
Parang may gumagapang na lamig sa aking katawan habang napagmamasdan ang panonood ng mga tao sa amin. I stepped back to put some distance between us. Kuya saw how I reacted.
Habang nanlalamig ang aking balat, nag-iinit naman ang aking mga mata sa parating na luha. Bago pa lantarang bumuhos ang aking mga luha sa harap ng mga tao rito at ni Kuya, umalis na ako. Nilagpasan ko si Kuya. Naramdaman ko ang akmang paghawak niya sa akin pero mabilis kong naiwas ang aking braso.
Nagtatakbo ako hanggang sa marating ko ang sasakyan. Binuksan ko kaagad ito at sa pagpasok ko sa loob at pagsara ng pinto ay tuluyang tumulo ang aking mga luha.
It was true that I didn't regret what we did. But it was still so heartbreaking that I had to talk to my mother and lie to her. Habang nasa malayo siya, ibinigay niya ang buong tiwala sa akin. Pero heto ako, nagsinungaling sa kaniya.
Dalawang masasayang araw ang tinamasa ko. Ang mga susunod na araw ay tila walang kasiguraduhan.