"I need to see the Commander," I told the guards outside the throne room doors.
When they realised it was me, they nodded and stepped to the side to let me through. I thanked them before entering, expecting to find Lexa by herself, but she was stood over a table with Titus having a semi-heated discussion.
"–not expecting her, so why has she suddenly changed her mind?!" Lexa was saying to Titus, voice holding a restrained irritation despite how calm she sounded. "She cannot just appear out of nowhere and make me look a fool!"
"She was invited," Titus retorted with frustration. "And as the Commander, it is your responsibility to accommodate her. You knew what you were asking for when you proposed this coalition–"
"Don't tell me what my responsibilities are!" she cut him off with a fiery glare, making me second guess entering at all. "I know!"
"Then why are you–?!" Titus began, but paused when he saw me awkwardly lingering by the doorway, too afraid to step inside further. "What are you doing here?" he snapped, taking his anger out on me instantly. "You shouldn't be here."
Gulping nervously, I approached the table. "Sorry to interrupt." I bowed my head before looking to Lexa and doing the same. "Heda. I just wanted to let you know that the shirts you asked to be tailored are in your room. I left them on your bed so you can try them on when you have time. I'll also be heading out to pick up some medicine. I'll be back as soon as I can."
Lexa had been kind enough to let me nip out to get another round of medicine for my father during the day when she was busy rather than late after work. I just needed to let her know when, like now, but I was beginning to regret that choice when I felt Titus' stare.
"You interrupted because of that?" he asked incredulously. "How dare you–"
"Titus!" Lexa interrupted sternly, fixing him with a glare. "She isn't apart of this. She didn't do anything wrong."
"She's just the handmaiden–"
"Yes," she cut him off again, "the one you forced me to have, so you'll treat her with the same respect you treat me."
Titus narrowed his eyes as they fell to me, and I'd never felt more uncomfortable in his presence than I did now. I didn't expect him to respect me as he did the Commander, but she still had the authority, so he bowed his head somewhat respectfully in my direction.
"My apologies, Y/N," he forced himself to say.
I nodded awkwardly, before looking to Lexa when she began to speak.
"Thank you for letting me know," she said to me with a softened expression, glare long-gone. "And that's fine, you can go get the medicine. Take your time."
I nodded, though my eyes flickered between her and Titus, taking in the thick tension in the air. Whatever they'd been arguing about clearly was a sore spot for her, and I told myself I was only asking because it was my job when I said, "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"
Titus scoffed, rubbing his head with irritation. I ignored him as I met Lexa's eyes, hoping she knew I was there for her if she needed me to be. Though we both knew there wasn't much I could do. Still, it didn't hurt to have a friend close by.
"Everything is fine," she assured me, and I couldn't tell if she was being honest or not. "Titus and I were just discussing the clan meeting tomorrow. The first one where the ambassadors from all clans will be coming together to discuss a potential alliance. Queen Nia of Azgeda will be attending, to everyone's dismay. It took me by surprise is all."
"Seriously, Lexa?!" Titus asked with surprise, and I didn't blame him. I was certain she was sharing too much with me, and I had no idea why.
"Am I not allowed to confide in my handmaiden?" she asked him with a quirked brow, ever so casually.
If the Earth swallowed me up right now, it wouldn't be too soon.
"That's what I'm here for," Titus replied with a calm voice. "Your advisor."
She pressed her lips together, looking down at the table full of papers and exhaling impatiently. I wanted to apologise for interrupting and causing even more tension between the two, but I figured that would make things worse, so I stayed quiet.
"Thank you for letting me know about the shirts," Lexa finally spoke, looking to me with a grateful expression. "You can go now."
"Of course, Heda," I said, bowing before awkwardly exchanging looks with Titus and leaving.
Naturally, I began to think about Lexa as I went about the rest of my day, only seeing her a few times and never alone because she was busy preparing for the clan meeting tomorrow. It was clear that she was stressed and I understood why – her coalition proposal was huge, the first any Commander had initiated. If it went wrong, which there was a huge chance it could, then it would be her fault and hers alone. Despite that, she was much smarter than past Commanders and I didn't doubt her plan one bit. Some may argue that made me naïve or too dumb to understand the politics, but I didn't care.
It was later that day, well into the evening, when I stopped by her quarters to help her prepare for bed – she actually allowed me to do it sometimes – but when I got called in, I noticed she was sat on her couch looking over a bunch of scrolls and pages on the table before her.
"Are you ready for bed?" I asked dumbly, because it was very obvious she wasn't. She was still dressed in her day clothes and hadn't moved position since I delivered her dinner to her earlier.
"No, I still have work to do," she answered, not sparing me a glance.
A comment was on the tip of my tongue, but I held back and simply nodded before waiting to the side of the room. After a moment, she finally looked up and I noticed how exhausted she looked.
"What are you doing?" she asked with a sigh.
"I can't leave until you're ready to sleep," I explained.
"That's not necessary."
"It's my job," I pointed out.
"Well, I'll be up for a while."
I shrugged, standing my ground. There hadn't been a single night I hadn't prepared her for bed, or left until she was in bed, since starting as her handmaiden; it was a part of the job. A big part considering she was our leader and needed to rest.
She didn't say anything else except lean forward on her knees to rest her head in her hands momentarily. Again, a comment was on the tip of my tongue, but I reminded myself I was here as her handmaiden, nothing more. Of course, that didn't stop my impulsive thoughts from winning.
"You're going to be fine in the meeting tomorrow," I told her confidently.
Before I could think to worry I'd overstepped, she responded, "It's the first time Queen Nia will be representing Ice Nation since–"
She fell quiet, but she didn't need to say more. I knew she was referring to the infamous story of Queen Nia capturing her past lover, Costia, and beheading her. It happened years ago and only made the strained relationship between Polis and Azgeda worse, especially since Queen Nia intentionally did it and left her head for Lexa to find just to put her in her place. Everybody knew the story, but nobody brought it up.
It made sense now, what Lexa and Titus were arguing about earlier, and that only made my heart ache because I couldn't imagine having to face such an enemy and put on a brave face. Responsibilities of a Commander, I guess.
"Lexa, you're going to be great," I told her, stepping forward and meeting her eyes with reassurance when she looked up. "You're confident and authoritative and powerful and everybody believes in you. You're the Commander for a reason. No other Commander has been able to convince the clans to stand in the same room together let alone consider a coalition. You did that. You shouldn't be worrying about a thing."
Her eyes fell to the table full of papers, and I wasn't sure if I'd said the right thing. But then she looked back up at me and nodded slightly.
"Thank you, Y/N."
Releasing a breath I didn't realise I was holding, I nodded, too.
"I should finish up here, but it's already late," she continued, standing up. "You can go home for the day. And come in a little later tomorrow because my meeting is first thing in the morning."
"I'm happy to come in as usual, honestly–"
"Please," she interrupted, giving me a knowing look, "I insist."
I couldn't exactly argue back, so I nodded in agreement. She smiled a little, probably too tired to realise she'd even done it, but it was there and I was certain I'd remember it for a long time.
She led me to the door to leave and opened it, standing to the side.
"Have a good night," she said softly.
"You, too," I said, stopping to meet her gaze. "And Lexa, you'll be fine tomorrow. Don't stay up too late worrying yourself."
"I'll try," she said unconvincingly. "Get home safe."
I smiled a little, hoping she'd get at least a little bit of rest for her own sake, before leaving for the night.
————————————————
It was safe to say that the first clan meeting was a success, even with Queen Nia attending purely to make Lexa uncomfortable. I wasn't present, obviously, but Lexa seemed in positive spirits afterwards, as did Titus, and there were plans put in place to begin creating the coalition. One of those plans included visiting some of the other clans to show face.
The first clan Lexa was visiting was Podakru, an ally of Trikru and the Commander. She was to stay for a few days with a small party which included myself. As her handmaiden, it made sense she'd want me there, but I wasn't too sure I would be of any use. Either way, I had to go with her which meant I had to come up with an excuse to tell my dad.
"It's a big order at work," I lied to him, the guilt digging away at me as he listened intently. "A customer has asked for a lot, so I'll be busy over the next few days. Working late, doing overtime. It just makes sense for me to stay in the city for a bit."
Like the amazing father he was, he was absolutely fine with me staying in the city for a few days and immensely proud of how well I was getting on. If I didn't feel guilty before, I definitely did now. But it was for the best – he couldn't know I was still a handmaiden to the Commander. Finding an apprenticeship was proving to be extremely difficult. This would have to do for now, even if lying made me feel the worst.
Part of my responsibilities when accompanying the Commander and her small party of guards included making sure everything was packed and ready to go. I received my own horse from the stables and once everybody and everything was accounted for, our journey begun.
I had been on somewhat long journeys before, though never for more than a few hours at a time and always with regular breaks. But I never had need to travel outside of my village and Polis. This was something entirely new and I naively thought I could handle it. Oh, how dearly mistaken I was.
We'd been travelling for about eight hours, only stopping to take a handful of breaks, just enough for the horses not to get tired and be fed. I held out for it, not wanting to be the weakest of the bunch even though everybody here was trained for stuff like this and knew I wasn't. The only thing that kept me going was that it was dark soon enough and I couldn't wait to stop for the night. Or at least I thought we were going to stop.
"Does anybody need a break?" Lexa asked, stopping and turning around to look between everyone on her horse. "If not, we can continue as is."
I glanced over my shoulder, seeing all the guards, our healer, Nyko, and Titus shaking their heads. Despite wanting to speak up, my body begging me to take a break and have some rest, I didn't want to be the only one who asked, so I kept quiet.
"We're okay to keep going, Heda," Indra, Lexa's right hand woman, confirmed on everyone's behalf.
She nodded and I accidentally caught her gaze before she could turn around fully. As if asking me, too, she quirked a brow, and I definitely didn't want to be the reason we all stayed behind.
"Good to go," I lied, nodding.
Satisfied with my response, she turned around and continued to lead the way forward. I grimaced before following after.
It took a lot of willpower for me to stay awake, even when the comforting sounds of the forest were putting me to sleep. I slapped myself a few times, earning odd looks from the others, and widened my eyes to try and keep them stuck open. But no matter how hard I tried, the familiar rhythm of the horse strutting along and the exhaustion in my body was soothing me, begging me to close my eyes for just a moment.
Unfortunately for me, my eyes drooped close for a second longer than it should have and I felt like I was floating momentarily.
"Y/N," Lexa's voice called, and there was a delay for me to register she was calling my name. "Y/N, you're slipping– Y/N!"
Both the volume of her voice and the immediate thud I took when falling off my horse and hitting the ground woke me with a start. I groaned, coming to my senses and also feeling a striking pain in my left arm.
"Y/N!" she called again, and when I forced myself to look up, she was off her horse and kneeling before me. "Are you okay?"
"I'm– ow! Ow!" I squealed embarrassingly when she tried to sit me up but grabbed my arm in the process.
"Nyko!" she called for the healer, glancing over her shoulder before gently holding my arm, which was seriously starting to hurt. I feared I'd broken something, but the embarrassment of falling off my horse in the first place and proceeding to hold everyone up was stronger than the fear.
"I'm sorry," I said weakly, afraid to look her in the eyes in case she was irritated.
She ignored me, understandably, and made space for Nyko to kneel beside her. Letting go of me, she watched as Nyko held me upright and inspected my arm. I winced when he tried to move it, the sharp pain travelling all the way to my shoulder.
"Sorry," he apologised instantly, before looking regretful. "You've broken it. It was quite the fall. But I can treat it."
I gritted my teeth, closing my eyes and cursing inwardly. Just what I needed right now.
"Thank you, Nyko," Lexa said gratefully, before making an announcement to everyone, who were already staring at me with mixed expressions. "We'll be stopping for the night! Prepare to make camp!"
And just like that, everybody dismounted their horses and got to work in setting up a temporary camp. Lexa joined Indra, probably to discuss the timeline for the rest of the journey, and I was left in Nyko's care. His tent was set up first so that he could care for me privately and comfortably.
He didn't say much as he got to work. Apparently I had it lucky, since the bone didn't pierce any skin, but I certainly didn't feel lucky when my arm was swelling up and turning purple. I closed my eyes for most of it, the pain unbearable when he moved my bone back into place so that he could apply a splint to keep it that way. I was ready to pass out from exhaustion and pain there and then, but he gave me some medicine and then we were interrupted by the Commander herself.
"That should take the edge off the pain," Nyko assured me with a small smile, before noticing Lexa. "I'll give you both some privacy."
I would have preferred him to stay since I didn't know if Lexa would be annoyed I held her whole party up, but he left before I could speak. Meanwhile, Lexa had stepped in the tent and looked to me with an unreadable expression.
"I'm sorry for– well, for this," I said awkwardly, finally finding the courage to meet her eyes. "Holding everybody up wasn't my intention."
She swallowed visibly, no hint of annoyance on her face, so I couldn't tell what she was thinking. "We're too far along to turn around now, so you'll have to begin your recovery when we reach Podakru."
I sighed, nodding shamefully. "Of course. Again, I'm very sorry."
She took another step forward, hands resting behind her back. There was no emotion behind her attentive stare, but she glanced between my arm and me.
"You should have said that you were tired and needed a break," she said, a little gentler which was unlike her. "I would have stopped for the night."
"I know," I agreed, nervous before her as usual. "Sorry."
"Stop apologising."
I almost apologised again out of habit, but I bit my tongue. Though I didn't know what else to say.
"You aren't to lift a finger when we reach our destination," she ordered sternly.
"My other hand still works," I reminded her, waving it about. "I can still do my job, Lexa."
Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, she said, "Well you won't be."
I raised my brows with disagreement, preparing to argue my case, but she immediately shot me down with an intense glare.
"Fine," I agreed reluctantly.
"Good. Once you're ready, Indra will be waiting to show you to your tent. You better get some rest tonight."
I nodded defeatedly, looking down. "Right. Of course."
————————————————
Upon arriving in Podakru's village, Lexa wasn't joking when she said I wasn't to lift a finger. We stayed for a few days as she reestablished her role as Commander and helped as much as she could – a lot of politics that I didn't entirely understand nor wanted to. But everything went well since she came out of it at ease.
It was strange doing nothing, since I was so used to following her around and making sure everything was ready for her. It was even stranger that she visited me and checked in with Nyko about my arm. I'd never had anybody who cared about me apart from my dad, and I never expected to befriend the Commander. Because that's what we were now, right? Friends? She was looking out for me which was out of the ordinary, but it was a nice feeling. Even though I still worked under her, I appreciated her odd way of showing she cared.
And that was how I realised I'd made a friend in the Commander.
————————————————
I never thought there'd be a time when I saw my dad recovering. Whatever sickness had struck him those few months ago was disappearing thanks to the medicine I brought him. It was a relief, knowing he was no longer in as much pain and that I had one less thing to worry over whilst I was in Polis.
Unfortunately, I also never considered what that could mean for me. Because he was once weak and bedridden, I didn't have to worry about him discovering my secret of not being a blacksmith's apprentice. Now, however...
I returned home from work one evening, long after Lexa's tour around the other clans and breaking my arm, and was surprised to find my dad waiting for me in the kitchen.
"Dad, hey," I greeted him with a smile, setting my bag on the table. He didn't smile back and I realised something was wrong. "Is everything okay? You look well today."
He crossed his arms, leaning back against the counter and staring right through me. "I went to visit you in Polis today."
My mouth went dry as I tried not to show panic. "What?"
"I was feeling better today," he continued, jaw tensed, "and I wanted to see you at work – my baby at work."
I swallowed uncomfortably, letting him finish because there could still be a chance he didn't know, even though all the signs pointed otherwise.
"I got there and I asked around," he said, straightening up and uncrossing his arms. "The people there, they knew who you were. I thought that was great, and then they led me to the Tower. The Commander's Tower."
Silence seemed to be the best option right now, and I also didn't know what to say that could make this better.
"You lied to me," he said, expression finally revealing his hurt. "You, Y/N. You're the Commander's servant."
"Dad–"
"Forget it," he interrupted, shaking his head. "I thought I raised you better than that. Better than to lie to me."
"Please, just–"
"I said forget it," he repeated, trying hard to hide his frown, but I could see the disappointment in his eyes.
Without another word, he left the kitchen and I was left feeling extremely guilty. I should have seen this coming – I knew I couldn't lie to him forever, but I had at least hoped I'd have a little more time and it would come out on my own terms. Now I'd hurt him, which was even worse than I thought it could be.
I promised myself I'd get chance to fix it in the morning,
leaving him to have some space tonight. But to my dismay, when I woke up and got ready for work, he was already gone. He'd be avoiding me, I knew it, I just hoped it wouldn't be for long.
Of course, my luck wasn't with me because he continued to avoid me for the next few days. When I was home, he'd be out or busying himself without me. If we were together, he barely said more than two words to me, even when I tried to apologise and explain why I lied. We rarely argued, so this was a big deal – I'd seriously hurt his feelings and I was afraid that it would ruin our relationship for good.
One morning, I couldn't take it anymore. Going to work meant I couldn't try to fix things with him, so the only thing that made sense was missing a day.
"Please, just tell Le– the Commander that I can't come in today," I pleaded with my guard who usually escorted me to Polis. "Just say I'm not feeling well."
The guard looked uneasy. "I'm sorry, but I cannot lie to the Commander. It's your job to serve her."
"I know it's my job, but I need the day off and I don't have the time to go in to ask for it," I tried to explain to him, but he was a loyal guard and my words were no use. "Please."
"Y/N, I'm sorry," he repeated, shaking his head.
I groaned quietly, rubbing my forehead with discomfort.
"You're going to work, Y/N."
Surprised, I turned around and saw my dad standing outside the front door of our house. He hadn't said that much to me since before he found out. Even now, he didn't look impressed, but it was something.
"Dad," I breathed out, ready to explain what was going on, but he talked over me before I could.
"I didn't teach you to let people down," he said in the same tone he spoke to me with the other night – disappointed. "Especially not the Commander. You'll be going to work."
Guiltily, I nodded. He didn't say anything more as he went back into the house. I sighed, the ache in my chest returning because he still didn't want to look at me, let alone speak to me. I feared I'd permanently ruined everything.
He'd made it clear he didn't want me home today, and I definitely didn't want to disappoint him further by disobeying him, so I went to work as usual that day. It was difficult, my mind only on my father and the wounded expression he had permanently fixed on his face. How could I go about my job when my own father hated me?
By the time the afternoon came around, I was bringing Lexa some water following her training with the Nightbloods. As I waited on standby in case she needed anything else, she caught her breath on the sidelines and drank some water.
"Your guard said you didn't want to come into work this morning," she said casually, and I almost missed it because I was wrapped up in my own thoughts.
When I realised, I began to worry about how bad it sounded and immediately straightened up. "I'm sorry, Lexa, I didn't mean for you to know that. It won't happen again."
She pursed her lips, unfazed by my flustered state, before asking, "What happened? You haven't been yourself lately either."
Clearly my attempts at keeping my feelings to myself weren't as good as I thought.
"It's just personal family matters," I assured her with a bowed head. "Nothing to worry about. I won't let it interfere with my work, honest."
She sighed, setting down her cup on the tray I brought. "Y/N."
I glanced up, seeing her curious stare.
"Tell me," she encouraged. "Is it your father? Is everything okay?"
I tried to remind myself she was much more than my Commander, she was a friend, too. And friends told each other stuff. I knew this, and yet it still felt odd. Not in a bad way though.
"His health is fine," I shared, looking down guiltily. "Great, in fact. But he– he found out the truth about what I do. That I'm not a blacksmith's apprentice and that I've been lying to him all this time." I frowned, the familiar lump in my throat returning. "He won't speak to me, not properly. He's been avoiding me whenever I'm home. I just thought that if I took the day off, I could make things right somehow. But he doesn't want me there and I fear I've ruined everything."
"Would it help if I spoke to him?" she offered, and I felt like a child, embarrassed I'd overshared.
"No, no... it's not necessary," I said, clearing my throat and looking up. "I'll figure it out."
She hummed, nodding thoughtfully and looking down at the tray of water. "I'm sorry this is happening. He seems to care about you a lot. It sounds like he's upset that you lied to him. I can't say I've experienced that with my own father since... well, for obvious reasons. But there have been times when Titus hasn't approved of my decisions and has, too, given me the silent treatment."
I watched her closely. "And?"
"He doesn't stay mad for long. And I can't imagine your father will either." She looked up, eyes softening with reassurance. "Your father loves you, Y/N. He's just hurt. There's still time for you to fix things with him. And I'm happy for you to finish early this afternoon to make things right with him."
"I don't need to do that. I can–"
"What use is a sulking handmaiden?" she asked rhetorically, quirking a brow. There was a hint of amusement somewhere in her expression, but it was always so rare with her that I took a second longer to realise. "Go. I'm sure I can care for myself for the rest of the day. Unless you think otherwise?"
I widened my eyes, shaking my head. "No, of course not, Lexa, I–!"
"I'm joking," she said, and this time half a smile was tugging at her lips.
I relaxed with a deep breath, nodding and already feeling a lot better having talked it out. "Thank you, Lexa. For hearing me out and letting me leave early. It's unprofessional of me, I know, but–"
"It's my job to be there for my people," she interrupted knowingly. "You're my people, too. Now go."
I gave her a small smile, appreciating her as Lexa, and not just the Commander, more and more every day.
————————————————
When I returned home shortly after my helpful conversation with Lexa, I did so with some snacks I bought from some street vendors. A little treat to hopefully help smooth things over.
"You're home early," my dad noticed when I walked into the hallway.
I sucked up a breath. "I was allowed to finish earlier today."
He nodded, eyes falling to the floor as he remained quiet. He didn't walk away, which was better than nothing, so I used it as an opportunity to speak.
"Dad, I'm sorry," I said, keeping my voice steady. "I never should have lied to you."
"Then why did you?"
I frowned. "You were sick. And you needed medication. And the blacksmiths around here weren't paying enough. I really did try to apply for apprenticeships in the city, but it wasn't getting anywhere and the Commander needed a handmaid and it was better pay than anything else I could have found here. So, I took it."
He hadn't walked away or interrupted, so I breathed out slowly before continuing.
"You assumed it was a blacksmith's apprenticeship and I couldn't tell you otherwise. I couldn't let you down. It was– it was something we both wanted."
He looked between my eyes, a similar frown forming on his face, too. "You should have been honest with me, Y/N. I wouldn't have cared what you did out there. You were doing it for me and that's more than I ever wanted."
I nodded guiltily, looking down at my shoes. "I know. You're right. I just... I don't want you to hate me. I know I made a mistake. I was planning on telling you. I swear I–"
"I could never hate you," he cut me off, pulling me in for a hug before I could spiral undoubtedly. "You're my baby."
I wrapped my arms around him tightly, closing my eyes and enjoying his warmth. So, I hadn't messed things up, not permanently. What a relief.
"Is it a good job?" he asked curiously once we pulled away.
"It is," I promised with a nod, wiping away a stray tear. "The Commander, she– she treats me well. And I actually don't hate the role."
He nodded, before a small smile appeared on his face. "I'm really proud of you, Y/N, for stepping up when I couldn't."
"I was only doing what I was supposed to. You don't need to–"
"Ssshhh," he interrupted, shaking his head, "I'm proud. And I love you. And your mother would feel the same way."
I smiled, pulling him in for another hug. "Thanks, dad."
He pressed a kiss to the side of my head, embracing me for a little longer, before pulling away.
"So, what's in the bag?"
I laughed, almost forgetting I was holding the food. "Oh, you'll love this. Come on, I'll show you in the kitchen."
—————————————————
"So, I assume it all worked out between you and your father?" Lexa asked the following morning when I brought her breakfast to her at the dining table.
"What makes you say that?" I asked, surprised she'd noticed since I hadn't brought it up.
She grabbed her fork and began to tuck into her food. "You're no longer pouting."
I tried to suppress my smile, though my face was heating up at her words. "Erm, yes, it went well yesterday. Your advice helped and you were right. He was upset that I lied to him. But once I explained everything, we talked it out and we're good again."
"That's great to hear," she said, pausing to look up at me with kind eyes. "I'm glad it worked out. You seem much happier."
I wasn't sure how she picked up on my moods, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
"I am," I agreed. "Thanks, Lexa."
She didn't say anything more on the matter, but I found myself watching her a little longer than usual, wondering what she was thinking. I'd have given all my wage to work out what was going on in that head of hers. Even after all this time, reading her feelings was like hunting without a weapon – stupid and almost impossible.
Almost.
//
belated eid mubarak to anyone who celebrated yesterday or friday!! also i totally almost didn't update today bc i have a terrible cold lol but here it is, i hope you all like it! ♥️