present day
It had been a long time since Jasper sat face to face with his mom.
Up until now, the feeling was foreign — it had escaped him. And now, Jasper sat before her: the woman who he could hardly bring himself to look at without a sense of indignation washing over him.
She'd called him here; made him sit on the opposite side of her desk while her assistant came bustling back and forth. It was purposeful — the way she made him wait.
She'd yet to say a word to him, rather she was working as usual. As if his presence ceased to exist.
She could feel his growing irritation. His visible anger. His eyes that held such vexation, she could feel them piercing her as she worked mindlessly.
Jasper was never good at hiding his emotions. Annoyance, frustration were not exempt.
Even Karla's assistant felt the tangible tension in the room. She'd glance at Jasper every once in a while and see that his eyes never left Karla. Slow and calculating.
"That'll be all for now," Karla spoke sincerely, shooing away the iPad her assistant held next to her.
It had been close to an hour by now.
"Thank you."
The door shut behind her moments later, leaving an oppressing silence in her wake.
Karla's eyes finally met Jasper's. It was the first time she'd acknowledged him since he arrived. There was a sense of urgency behind his cold gaze that she could not make out.
Regardless, she didn't turn away
She didn't know what she was looking for. Maybe she was searching for something else behind his eyes. Or maybe she was searching for the pieces of him that she could still salvage.
The pieces that she broke.
The search was futile, anyway. As soon as she felt she had gotten through, Jasper's impenetrable expression took over.
Sometimes she wondered how he managed to have such an expressionless demeanor, but simultaneously tell her everything she needed to know.
"Don't look so damper," she spoke calmly.
It filled the quiet space around them just as effectively as it would had she been yelling.
"I'm ahead in every category, you know?" She began. "Each one. They love me. I'm going to be a United States Senator again."
Jasper swore he felt his spine tingle. The muscles in his jaw had yet to relax in the past hour.
"Is that why you called me here?" He asked. "To gloat?"
Karla gave him a weak smile and breathed through her nose. It could have almost passed as genuine.
It could've fooled the press. Her constituents. Her liaisons. Anyone who didn't grow up with her and know the secret behind every expression and tick of her jaw. Jasper didn't know if she'd genuinely smiled in a long time.
"Every single category," she ignored his previous comment. "But one."
Her face dropped slightly. A signal that she had no intention on making this conversation easy.
"Do you want to know what is it?"
Her son was silent. Not only because he knew it was rhetorical, but because he also knew nothing he said would be received.
"Family values," she answered for herself. "I am better than Bryce in every regard. I'm smarter than him. I'm much more well educated. I have made a name for myself out of nothing. But God forbid a woman have a couple rebellious children. Then her integrity is ruined. Then she's not fit to be a Senator. Then she doesn't have enough hold to keep her kids in line, let alone hold a seat on the Senate. Men get to abuse and screw their way to the top, but women? We have to be fucking perfect."
One thing Jasper never did was underestimate his mom. He knew she was powerful and smart. He knew she could be President one day, and would probably stop at nothing to get that too. It showed. It showed in every little thing she did. The way she spoke. The way she carried herself. If he had ever witnessed some semblance of power, it would be her.
"And I would be perfect. I would undoubtedly win this, if it weren't for you, Jasper."
Jasper's eyes faltered for a moment. Karla thought she saw something other than darkness, but she had to be imagining it.
"And I believe you should be granted grace. I believe not everything is your fault. But this state — this country, does not agree with me. If I want to win this, if I want to hold the most powerful seat in the world one day, if I want The Oval, there are no room for errors. "
And Jasper listened. Because that's all he could do: listen. The person he was months ago would've had it in him to fight back. Say something, anything at all.
But the person he was today? He wasn't thinking about only himself anymore.
"I gave you a chance, Jasper. Many, actually. And what do you do with them? You make me look like a fool. You're not a regular person. We're not fucking hillbillies from the middle of fucking nowhere who can do whatever we want. You wish you were a different person? You wish you could rebel against me like a normal child without consequences? Well that's too fucking bad. I will not lose this election because of you. Do you understand me?"
Karla questioned why her son wasn't fighting back. What she didn't know is Jasper never had anything to lose, up until now.
And that person was standing right outside of the door. Jasper wondered if he could hear. If Karla's words were sharp enough and loud enough to do the same amount of damage as they did in here, out there. He felt embarrassed briefly, but that was short-lived. Indifference out shined it.
"So here's what's going to happen," she continued.
The muscles in Jasper's jaw were so tight, he thought he could've broken a tooth.
"There's going to be an article that's going to come out in The New York Times at the start of next week. It's going to be all about your new budding romance with one of New York's bachelors. Someone powerful. Someone respectable. Someone who will brighten your dull and tainted image. None of the spoiled pretentious brats you dated in college. And since I so sincerely believe in bodily autonomy, I'll allow you the courtesy to pick who it is."
Jasper's heart sunk.
"Mom-" he hardly every called her that, but it was a more of a plea. A desperate attempt to get her to see how much he didn't want to do this.
"I don't want to hear it."
She opened her laptop. Whatever she wanted must've already been pulled up, because she turned it around to face him within seconds.
Jasper didn't want to look at the screen, but he had to. Everything he didn't want to do, he had to.
He already knew what was before him before she showed it. A carefully curated list. Meticulous, like she alluded to.
Like she'd described, some of New York's most sought after. Those who ran in the same political or entrepreneurial crowd. Sons of billionaires. Sons of politicians, who had everything to gain from an alliance with Karla White.
It wasn't about him. It was never about Jasper. It would always be about power. And like matter, since power cannot be created or destroyed, you had to snatch it up from someone else whenever the chance arose.
He could imagine it: "When I'm Senator, that pesky little lawsuit? It goes away."
"Does it not bother you?" Jasper's voice was low as he shut the laptop.
"Lining these people up for me to choose from like they're cattle waiting for slaughter?"
Karla only laughed. Her son's attempt at instilling some sense of morality in her were futile. They both knew it.
When Karla had mentioned something like this to him weeks ago, he'd thought she was bluffing. He wasn't afraid then, but now things were becoming more real and that arrogance had dissipated.
"Interesting analogy, should I be worried that you'll kill one of them?" Her voice dripped with sarcasm. "I never know with you — so unpredictable."
"No," Jasper said. "That's your job, isn't it?"
Jasper swear he saw a flicker of something wash across his mom's face. It was faint. A look of worry that took over right before she gave him a cold closed-mouth smile.
"Careful, Jasper," she warned in a sing-song tone. "I would never be associated with anything like that."
"Of course not. You just get other people to do it for you, right?"
And Jasper knew he was dancing dangerously close to an edge that he did not want to fall off of. Not because he cared about what happened to himself.
Karla's gaze was cold now. If she exhibited any sense of warmth before, it was gone.
"You don't want to play that game with me, Jasper," her voice was hollow, freed from any sort of emotion.
"Alright," he nodded. "So you just get to pimp me out and I don't have a fucking say in it?"
"Pimping? Really? Don't be mellow dramatic," she scoffed. "I'm giving you a say right now. Make a decision."
Jasper tapped the arm of the chair impatiently. His fingers began to dig into the wood. He swear he felt it split.
"I'll give you 24 hours to choose. Everything else will be set up after that."
"And if I say no?"
More digging. More splitting of the wood. Jasper felt all of his anger moving to his fingertips and inflicting it onto the chair. His stomach did flips with the amount of contempt he felt for his mom.
Karla merely shrugged. The act, the simplicity of it, pissed Jasper off even more.
"You know what happens if you say no," she answered. "He's outside that door."
Jasper fingers nails raked against the wooden armchairs. Rage coursed through him.
He slammed one of his hands down onto her desk, to which Karla flinched. Jasper wasn't expecting it either. He didn't think she had to the power to make him this angry anymore. But power was everywhere, and Karla reeks of it.
"You won't fucking touch him," he warned. "Do you understand me?"
She relaxed back into her chair, seemingly unaffected, which was a guise. Karla knew of her son's temper. She knew of his unwarranted affinity for violence.
For some reason it never scared her. Until now. Maybe because she knew anyone who got that fierce about someone else had to be dangerous. And would stop at nothing to protect them.
"Then do what I say," she spat. "You don't want to test me. Not when we're this close."
Jasper's ears rung. He felt his throat swell with something other than fear or anger. He was anxious. Anxiety crept in in the strangest ways. Right now, it threatened to consume him.
I want to go home
He thought to himself.
What home?
His subconscious said back.
The one wherever Ace is.
Karla continued to speak, but Jasper wasn't listening. He couldn't listen any longer. His cold gaze glanced over her once more. He used to look up to her. Now he saw her for what she was. He was never the monster. He was never cruel. It was her all along.
"Y-You," Jasper bit his lip as it quavered. "You disgust me."
When the words left his mouth, Jasper didn't stay to see his mom's reaction. If he stayed, he would've saw her desperate and pathetic attempt to mask her hurt from his words.
A mother and son bond is something sacred. It used to mean something to Jasper, just as it used to mean something to Karla.
He no longer felt like her son. There would be no more mother and son after this. They were only politician and pawn.
Jasper opened the door to her office and let it shut behind him with a sharp slam. His eyes closed in unwavering silence. He could hear his pulse in his ears as he tried to suppress his anger.
He didn't know what else to feel. He didn't have a hold over his emotions and it made him feel like he wasn't there. He wasn't ready to face Ace.
He couldn't. Not just yet. He didn't want the guard to see him in such a disoriented state. But he knew as soon as he turned the corner away from where Karla's offices was sequestered, Ace would be there. Waiting for him, like he always was.
So Jasper did his best to suppress what he could. Put on a brave face.
The irony was that Ace had seen him in every state imaginable, and he never ran. So why did this time feel so different?
Jasper was expecting it, but even so, when he turned the corner he had to coach his heart to remember to keep pumping. The job no longer felt involuntary.
Ace sat in a leather chair at the end of the hallway. An identical one was next to him, along with a small glass desk, as if to emulate a waiting room. Jasper had forgot that it had been over an hour, as the guard was probably just as restless as he was.
And Ace would've hardly noticed Jasper's arrival, if not for the soft wavering of his breaths or the familiar scent that engulfed him once Jasper was close enough.
Their eyes met, but it didn't feel like they were harmonious like they always were. Something felt off about Ace's gaze. Like a sour note played in a symphony.
"What did she want?"
The question should've had a simple answer. But instead, a thousand possible responses coursed through Jasper's overwrought mind.
She always wants something different from me. She's going to bleed me dry, until I'm nothing left, Ace.
"What I expected."
Ace's gaze dropped to the floor. Jasper's response was ambiguous but it told Ace all he needed to know.
"And you agreed?"
There was an accusatory edge behind Ace's question. Jasper flinched.
"Don't say it like that."
"Like what?"
"Like this is up to me. Like I want this."
Jasper was pleading with his eyes. He still hadn't fully processed what happened in his mom's office and he had expected seeing Ace would calm him. It was doing the exact opposite.
Ace was incredulous. A frown appeared in between his dark eyebrows. He looked like he wanted to say something more but couldn't. Or simply didn't.
"Okay," was all Ace said. "Let's go."
Ace stood, and turned away from Jasper to walk to the elevator. There was a shift in his body language that was impossible for Jasper to ignore. There was a difference in their dynamic too.
They were always side by side, but now Jasper watched Ace with his back facing him. He mustered up the courage to walk toward the elevator as well, even though he was slightly taken aback.
When the door opened and they stepped inside, they were engulfed in silence.
There was another absence here too. Whenever they were in an elevator, Ace would make a cheeky joke about their first time together. It always brought on fond memories along with a redness to Jasper's cheeks.
Now, it was silent.
"Are you really going to do this?"
Ace had his eyes straight ahead, trained on the silver doors as they descended.
"What am I doing?"
"Stop."
"Stop?" Ace was incredulous. "What am I supposed to say, Jasper?"
Jasper tightened then relaxed his jaw. The same thing he felt in his mom's office was threatening to reveal itself again.
"Really? Are you going to punish me for this too?"
"Punish you?" Ace scoffed. He still didn't meet Jasper's gaze. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Ever since this. Ever since last night when I told you — you've hardly looked at me."
Jasper could remember it vividly. The way he felt Ace slowly pulling away from him. Physically and emotionally. It was one of the worst things he's ever felt and he's been through withdrawal.
"Do you want me to apologize? Okay. I'm sorry for not jumping for joy right now. Actually, how about we go out and celebrate? Throw a big party. Would that make you feel better?"
The elevator whirred. It was the only other thing filling the silence besides Ace's biting sarcasm.
"You're upset. I understand that—"
"No. You don't understand," Ace interrupted sharply. "You don't have to watch me parade around with someone else for a PR stunt."
"It's not going to be like that."
The elevator dinged and the doors opened once they were at the garage level of the building where the cars were parked.
The parking garage echoed with their voices as Ace stepped out first, once again leaving Jasper behind him.
"Hey, hey," Jasper sped up his pace to match Ace's so they were side by side again.
"Don't fucking walk away from me. I told you, it's not going to be like that."
The guard scoffed.
"Oh it's not? Tell me, what is it going to be like then?"
Ace's pace quickened as they neared Jasper's car.
"Ace stop-" Jasper called out. "Would you just — slow down."
"No, Jasper. Tell me. Tell me how it's going to be."
Ace's tone sounded cold and detached and it was nothing like Jasper was used to.
"I—"
"You don't know. You don't even fucking know," Ace shouted as they neared the car.
Ace made his way to the driver's side and started to open the door, but Jasper approached just quick enough to slam it shut before he could get in.
Their eyes met, finally, after hours of limited eye contact. Ace looked down at him with a mix of emotions that Jasper reciprocated.
"Don't fucking yell at me," Jasper spat.
"Get in the car, Jasper."
Jasper's hand, which was still touching the cool metal of the driver's side when Ace brushed past him and opened the car door himself without so much as a second glance. In a heated stride, Jasper's legs carried him over to the other side of the car where he got in on the passenger side.
He hardly had time to put on his seatbelt, before Ace was driving at an unnecessarily fast speed out of the parking garage and onto New York's streets.
All Jasper could do was look at him in disbelief. The guard's demeanor was far past annoyance. This wasn't just one of their usual petty quarrels. Jasper could handle that if it was. All it would take is some light teasing and joking around and they'd be all over each other in seconds.
This time was different. Jasper could see it in the way Ace was leaned into the door, his hand resting on the steering wheel with his arm elongated as if to replicate some sort of barrier between them.
"You're not listening to me, Ace," Jasper treaded carefully. His voice was barely audible but stern all the same. "I have a plan-"
When Ace's laugh interrupted him, it was unusual. Nothing like the melodic laughs they'd share with each other. This one felt disengaged and sarcastic.
"Of course you have a plan," Ace replied sarcastically. "You always have a plan. You had a plan six months ago, just like you did last week. Guess what, Jasper? The election is right around the corner. What's your plan for that? What's your plan for what you promised me?"
Jasper's eyes shot down to his lap.
"What? No witty response," Ace continued. "Incase you haven't noticed, your plans don't fucking work!"
Jasper bit down hard on his teeth again. He couldn't begin to fathom how everything had gone downhill so quickly. If only he had a chance to prepare for it.
"You can't be angry with me," Jasper looked out of the window as he held back tears. "You can be confused and jealous-"
Ace couldn't believe the words that were coming out of Jasper's mouth. They were reductive. How could he think things were as simple as that?
"Jealousy? Of course you think this is about jealousy," Ace began. "That would be easier than admitting the truth. This is deeper than that. This is about you and I. In every sense of the word, we are separated. This is about empty promises and your overzealous failed plans. This is about him getting the only thing I ever wanted: to be free with you."
Jasper's words were caught in his throat.
"Ace, that is something completely different. You know it."
"It's not," Ace countered sharply.
"Yes, is it."
"No, it's fucking not," he exasperated. "Let me ask you something. Where am I when you're around?"
Jasper frowned.
"I-what?"
"Where am I when you're around?"
Ace asked again. This time, he made sure his words were clear and concise, to not be misconstrued.
"Y-you're there. With me. You're always there," Jasper answered hesitantly.
"But I'm not with you, am I?"
"I don't understand."
Ace kept his hand tight on the steering wheel as he navigated the streets. He could feel Jasper's gaze piercing the side of his face, but could not bring himself to look.
Maybe it was because he felt if he looked into Jasper's eyes, everything would come crashing down. And everything he wanted to say, everything he wanted to get off of his chest would cease to exist.
"Whenever I'm with you, I am always on the outside looking in. I'm on the sidelines. I'm never next to you in the way I want to be. You expect me to wait for you. To protect you. And I do all of those things, but always from a distance. We're from two completely different worlds, Jasper. You don't even see it."
Ace was being as honest and sincere as he could be. But the fact was that he was angry, and he was having a hard time concealing it.
"What the fuck do you expect me to do then?" Jasper hissed. "Walk around hand in hand like we're in some fucking fairytale?"
Ace shook his head in disbelief.
"Yes, maybe! For fucksake , is that really such a big ask?"
"This is the real world, Acen. You knew who I was when you met me. You knew what my family was."
Always that same excuse. Ace should've known who Jasper was from the beginning. He knew, so he is at fault for not taking precaution. He should've taken more preventive measures so it wouldn't come to this.
But alas, here they were. Jasper held Ace's heart in the palm of his hand and with it? He would do whatever he pleased.
"And am I to just settle for whatever this is? For hotel rooms and living off of fucking room service? That is not a life, Jasper."
Ace's frustrated tone filled the car, and soon after it, Jasper's rebuttal.
"I told you to just give me time."
"Have I not given you that?" Ace vexed. "I'm sorry if my patience is running thin."
"Don't do that. Don't do this to me. Not right now."
Ace tightened his hand around the steering wheel. He felt he could tear the expensive leather if he kept going.
"Someone always has to be doing something to you, like you're the victim in all of this, isn't that right?" Ace hissed. "Have you ever stopped to think that maybe you're the fucking problem? Maybe this is your fault?"
Jasper scoffed.
"Of course. Blame it all on me. I told you this was out of my control. What the fuck was I supposed to do?"
"You could've said no, for one."
"No, I couldn't have."
"Can't or won't?
"Both."
They turned the corner and their hotel came into view. It was late into the night by now, and there were a few people coming and going, but for the most part, the streets were empty.
Ace stopped at the corner where there was an open spot, but made no move to exit the car. Which is what Jasper was hoping.
He was hoping that they could go upstairs to their room and argue some more, but ultimately, they'd make up and spend the night wrapped up in each other's arms. Like it should be. It is what he wanted. What he needed.
"What are you doing?" Jasper asked.
"This is your stop, right?"
Ace looked out of the window and gestured toward the hotel. All Jasper could do was stare at him in confusion.
"Where are you going?"
"I don't know, Jasper. I need space away from you."
"Like hell you fucking do."
Jasper locked the car from the inside. He knew it was pointless, but he needed something to signal that he didn't want them to be apart right now.
"Stop," Ace said in frustration. "Are you going to get out or not?"
Jasper's gaze held disbelief. "This is my fucking car, Acen."
"You're right. Take it."
Ace put the car in park and pulled the key out of the ignition and threw them onto Jasper's lap. He opened the door and slammed it behind him as he left.
Jasper was livid. He got out as well and locked his car where it was parked on the street.
"Are you really that much of a fucking coward? You can't even fucking talk to me?" Jasper called out to where Ace was walking away from him on sidewalk.
The guard stilled for a second. Jasper could see his fingernails digging into his palms.
"I'm the coward?" Ace let out an incredulous laugh as he turned to face Jasper. "That's rich. How about you stand up to your mom for once in your life and then report back to me?"
"You're being cruel. It doesn't suit you."
"Of course I am. I'm being everything that you hate right now, aren't I?"
Ace felt the breeze against his skin, and it was the only thing working to calm him in the slightest. He could hardly stomach the idea of looking at Jasper right now.
But here he was. Staring into those blue orbs that were starting to crack in certain places.
"What are you going to do, Ace?" Jasper teased. "Are you going to go to a pathetic little bar and drink away all your problems? Or roam the streets until you have nowhere else to go and have to come crawling back to me? I bet you hate it, right? Knowing that wherever you go, you can never stay away from me."
"Shut up."
"Does that thought make you angry?"
Jasper was purposefully trying to provoke him, and it was working.
"Shut up, Jasper."
"It's only because you know I'm right."
Jasper noticed his clenched jaw and palms and scoffed in amusement.
"There he is. There's the Ace I wanted to fucking see. Show me who you are when you're really angry. Are you going to hit me now?"
Ace shook his head in disgust. "You're sick."
"If I'm so sick, then what the fuck does that make you?"
"Goodnight, Jasper."
Was all Ace said. He didn't have any fight left in him.
"Tell me where you're going." Jasper pleaded.
He didn't want to admit that he needed the answer just as much.
"No."
"Tell me."
"No," Ace spat. "I don't have to tell you anything. I don't report to you, remember? Your mom is the one who calls the shots. She's the one who writes my checks."
Jasper stilled at the realization. His arms that were once crossed against his chest in defense fell to the sides of his body. He could feel the breeze penetrating his thin shirt.
Even that wasn't as cold as the look Ace was giving him. He'd never seen him this detached.
"How does it feel, hm?" Ace's gaze dropped as his eyes raked over Jasper's body, as did his tone. "Knowing I'm getting paid to fuck you? I guess that's one thing me and your new boyfriend will have in common."
Jasper tried to hide the sense of grief that struck him at Ace's words. But Ace saw it all the same. He saw him for what he was all the same. He was scared.
Jasper's cold hard eyes never left Ace's. They searched each other's for any flicker of hope. All Jasper saw were the remnants of what used to be.
Jasper felt like the world was moving in slow motion as he watched Ace turn away from him. He felt like a piece of himself was missing from the whole. He didn't want to admit it. And how pathetic it was.
Jasper never wanted anyone or anything as badly as he wanted Ace.
He didn't realize he was standing there alone until someone honked at him to move his car. He was gripping the keys so hard that the sharp pieces pierced the skin. Small amounts of blood dripped down his palms.
And all he could think about were his mother's words for earlier.
I would be perfect if it weren't for you, Jasper.