"You did what?" Kit says that night.
"I broke up with Ben."
"Are you insane?"
"That's not helpful."
She picks up her glass of Chardonnay and tosses it back. We're in a restaurant equi-distance between our apartments, an Italian place she brought me to when I first came to New York. I don't feel like eating. All I've had is wine. They sell a great house red by the liter.
"This isn't a joke?"
"No."
"Why?"
"It wasn't working out."
"Bullshit."
"Tell me how you really feel."
"Okay," she says, and clunks her empty glass down on the table. "I think you're being an idiot. You're afraid to be happy."
"I'm not."
"Yeah, you are. You and Ben are great together. You thought that so much that you chased after him like, frankly, a crazy person, and now you've broken up with him after a week?"
I gulp down my wine. It's not having the effect I wanted.
"Was the sex bad?"
"No."
"It's just okay?"
"No, it's great. The best."
"You really are crazy."
"There's more to a relationship than sex."
"Uh-huh."
"Come on, you're telling me that the reason you're marrying John is because the sex is great?"
She nods slowly. "It's not, not the reason."
"I thought it was because you loved him."
"Yeah, of course. But I'm not marrying someone who doesn't fulfill my needs."
"I wasn't going to marry Ben."
"Sure, that's why you have a whole notebook with your name written as Chloe Hamilton."
"What? I do not."
"Uh-huh."
"Is this helpful?"
"I'm trying to knock some sense in you."
"Well, it hurts."
"It's supposed to."
"I meant, my heart hurts."
"Because it knows you're being an idiot."
"Kit."
"What?"
"Will you just listen to me for a minute instead of judging my decision."
She crosses her arms. "Okay."
"I know you like Ben."
"You like Ben."
"Yeah, I do. I do like him. But that isn't the point. He's not good for me."
"Based on what evidence."
"Based on everything that happened since the day we met. He lied to me, he disappeared, he had a chance to find me, and didn't take it. Then when I found him, he lied to me again, and the only reason we're together is because I went to some concert with tickets that Jack paid for, and we ended up in bed together." Kit tries to start to speak and I raise my hand. "And that's another thing. Jack. Weren't you #teamjack?"
"That's before I saw you and Ben together."
"Just because he passed your weird test doesn't mean he's a good guy."
"Are you done?"
"No. He was with his last girlfriend for ten years, off and on, he hasn't told his mother about me, he wouldn't give me his phone number, he called my boss to try get my job back—"
"What an asshole."
"It was super invasive."
"He was trying to help you."
"I don't need his help. He's the reason I'm in trouble in the first place."
"He sent an email to your entire company with porny movie titles in it?"
"Well, no, but—"
"He wrote that list for you?"
"Obviously, no, but—"
"It's his fault you didn't ask your boss if you could run that 'missing' campaign?"
"Are you done?"
"What do you want from me, Chloe?"
"I want you to support my decision."
"Even if I don't agree with it?"
"Yeah."
"That's not what friends do."
"Sure, it is."
"I'm sorry, Chloe, but no. Yeah, this relationship is messy. I'll give you that. And I get that you think it should be easier than this. But that's not how life works. There isn't some magical creature looking out for us up there, you know? If you meet someone you connect with, then you should hold onto that person because that might never happen again."
"Jesus."
"It's true. Look how long it took me to find John."
"You're not that old."
"He's my first serious boyfriend, though. I'm not like you, Chloe. I've never had two guys trying to date me at the same time."
"Neither have I."
"But you've always been with someone. The whole time I've known you. The only time you've been single is after you moved to New York. And then, the very first date you go on, you end with two guys."
"That's not how it—"
"Just listen to me, okay? I know who I am, and I'm okay with it. I never minded being the third wheel. I'm glad Lianne was looking out for me and helped me find John. But you've never had that problem. When you're alone, it's because you choose to be, not because it's forced on you. So you don't really know what it's like. And somewhere in the back of your brain, I know you're thinking you'll just meet someone else. Someone less complicated. But what if you don't?"
"Then I'm alone forever, I guess. But I'm not even thirty. I have plenty of time to find someone else."
"You think there are so many people out there who will take you as you are?"
"I'm so difficult to love?"
"That's not what I meant."
"What then?"
"Just that Ben doesn't seem to care about any of that stuff. He's a relationship guy and he wants to be in a relationship with you. This town ... There aren't that many guys like that."
I remember all the dating stories Kit used to tell me before she met John. The guys who seemed into her and then would just ghost. The guys who did weird things on their first dates. The guys who looked nothing like their profile pictures. The guys who made it clear that they weren't looking for a wife or even a girlfriend but just for a good time.
I'd met some of those guys, too. That story I told Ben back when I thought he was Jack about a guy flashing me on a date. That happened. Other stupid things too. It was depressing and made me not want to date, but Kit is also right about something else—I was never that worried about it. I did figure that I'd find someone when the time was right. When I wanted to. Does that make me egotistical or just naïve? Not sure.
"What if he breaks my heart."
"Ah, now we're getting to it."
"I mean, maybe?"
"That's the risk you take for love, Chlo."
"Seems like a big risk."
"One you'd both be taking."
"No one's said love. And he didn't even fight me that hard about the breakup. He hasn't texted me or anything. Just answered when I texted him."
"So you're mad at him because he did what you asked?"
"No."
"You're testing him?"
"Would that be wrong? You did."
"That was a bit of fun. I was never going to tell you not to date him. Well, so long as he wasn't a psycho."
"He's not a psycho."
"He could've been though, that's my point."
"I feel dizzy."
She runs the side of my arm. "Hey, hey, this is a lot I know. And I get that you're scared. That you're looking for excuses not to be with him. I've been there okay?"
"With who?"
"John. I almost broke up with him six months after we started dating."
"What? You never told me that."
"I didn't actually do it, just almost."
"Why?"
"Because I was scared."
"Of John? He's a puppy."
"Of getting hurt. It all seemed too good to be true. I couldn't face it if it didn't work out. So I decided to take things into my own hands and end it."
"What happened?"
"I chickened out."
"Why?"
"Because the thought of no John because I'd decided to end it was scarier than the thought of him leaving me."
"Same result."
"No, not the same. Because him leaving me was just something I was scared about, it wasn't something that was necessarily going to happen. But if broke things off, then it was happening for sure."
"Like me and Ben. That's happening for sure."
"Yeah." She squints at me. "And I have to say you are taking it way better than I thought you would."
"Honestly? Me too."
"Why?"
"Maybe I'm not as in to him as I thought."
"I don't think that's it. You are clearly into him."
"They when aren't I upset."
She considers me. "Because you don't think it's real."
"How could I not think it's real? I broke up with him, didn't I?"
"Yeah, but you just don't think it's going to stick. I can tell. You think he's going to come back and convince you to try again."
"I'm not saying that's right, but if it is, is that so wrong?"
"It's risky."
"Maybe he should have to fight for me."
"Like in mortal combat?"
"Not literally. But I went to all this effort to find him and maybe he should show me that he wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with him."
"Did you tell him that?"
"No."
"Planning to?"
"I doubt it."
"You're going to end up alone."
"Probably."
"Seems stupid to leave it to chance."
"I'm mostly stupid."
"Why aren't you acting like yourself?"
"How's that?"
"I would've expected tears and at least two cocktails plus pizza."
"I'm sure it will hit me in a minute."
"Don't wait too long."
"It's only been a day."
"Hey, you're the one acting crazy, not me."
"But you still love me, right?"
She smiles. "Of course. And so does Ben. For now."
"He's never said he loves me."
"It's written all over his face."
"No, it's too soon for that. You can't just love someone that quickly."
"Who says?"
"I don't know. Everyone."
"What does everyone know about me?"
"More than you, I think."
I want to argue with her but I know she's right. I haven't been acting like me. That's what I told Ben, wasn't it? That none of this was like me. And it isn't. But maybe I've got the wrong, wrong part wrong?
My God, even in my head, I'm not making sense.