I wasn't really sure what the difference between self-esteem and self-confidence was. I actually didn't even know about self-confidence at all. Not until today that was.
After thankfully having a weekend without anyone around, it was finally time to face Connor's wrath. I knew in my heart that he was furious, I also knew he would snap at me. Now that it was Monday, I was terrified to see him.
I went to English early as usual. For some reason I still hadn't made any friends in this class. Unless you counted Connor, but after the last incident, I knew he wouldn't want to be friends with a damsel-in-distress type person like myself. He probably found it annoying that he had to constantly help me. It wasn't my fault though, I just looked like some person he knew, which was out of my hands.
As I entered the classroom, I was terrified to see that Connor was already there. That was a first since I usually came to class first. This was bad news. It confirmed he was angry.
Gulping, I made my way to me seat. So far he didn't acknowledge my presence, so I hoped he wasn't furious. As usual I spoke to soon.
Right when I sat down, he snapped, "Your self-confidence is fucking shit!"
I flinched from his anger and looked at him. Shuddering, I looked away instantly. He was furious. No. Beyond furious. His eyes had darkened from the amount of rage, making them seem black. His jaw was also clenched tightly. I was thankful I was a girl at the moment, otherwise I'd be getting beaten up right now.
Seeing that I wouldn't speak, he continued, "You never stand up for yourself, even when that fucking creep touched you. It's so fucking annoying."
"Sorry," I muttered.
I did understand his anger, but it wasn't welcomed. The language he was using was definitely colourful which frightened me more. More than anything I wanted to run out of the classroom. Actually I'd do anything to avoid his wrath.
He seemed to notice that because his tone softened. "Quinn, why don't you stand up for yourself?"
With his tone softened, I slightly relaxed. For the first time today his words began to process in my mind. Huh, self-confidence? I frowned. I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but I understood his question. There was no answer for it though.
I shrugged. "I don't know."
"You do know," he said softly, repeating the words I once said.
I looked at him and saw that his eyes were staring at me sympathetically. Nervous, I looked away. Maybe I did know, maybe it was because I thought no one would take the fat girl seriously. That I was some joke that people liked to push around. That maybe, just maybe I deserved it.
"Look, I want to help you," Connor sighed. "I'll help you build up your crappy confidence."
"My confidence is not crappy," I defended.
He snorted and I blushed. Okay, even I knew that was a lie. If confidence and self-esteem were the same thing that would mean my confidence sucked. Then a thought hit me.
"Why are you so nice to me?" I asked gently.
I looked at his eyes that turned so much more softer, and I forgot how cold they could turn. Right now they looked like warm melted chocolate. Delicious in so many ways.
"Why would I be mean to you?" he responded.
I shrugged. That was true. Why would he?
With that our conversation ended. He didn't say anything about building up my confidence, but I knew he was serious about it. Connor never joked. Never.
Cece and Thea were attentively listening to me as I spoke. They seemed deeply intrigued by any Connor story I told them, which was odd in my perspective. I understood why Thea did, but when it came to Cece I had no clue. I doubt I'd ever find out either.
Once I finished telling my story, Thea spoke, "Whoa, what do you think he wants to do?"
I shrugged. "Make me skinnier or prettier."
Cece's jaw dropped comically. "Why would he do that?"
"Because I need to feel good about myself and the way to do that is to look good," I replied frowning.
Cece frowned as well, and Thea studied me curiously. I stared at them blankly, I didn't know why they were reacting in such a way. What I said was true.
"I think you're getting confidence and self-esteem confused," Cece eventually said. "You see, self-esteem is the way you feel about yourself, like you said. Getting skinnier or prettier isn't going to necessarily make it better by the way."
I smiled shamefully because I knew people would say that. I disagreed with them though. The only way I'd feel good about my looks is by changing.
"Self-confidence is self assurance, like believing in yourself," Cece finished off.
I frowned. "I do believe in myself."
Thea laughed and I glared at her. Sometimes I wondered why I was friends with her.
"Sweetheart, when you walk you look down at the ground, when you laugh you make sure no one can hear, you can't even stand up for yourself," Thea said with a smile on her face.
"Thanks for being so blunt," I muttered.
Thea's hands flew up in surrender. "Just trying to be honest."
I sighed. That was true. I guess I didn't really believe in myself, that was why I thought people would think I was a joke. It wasn't necessarily because of my size. I just didn't believe.
Cece places a hand on my arm sympathetically and smiled. "Connor will help you."
From the corner of my eyes I saw Thea scowl. Guilt tightened my chest, but I pushed it away. Maybe I could set them up together somehow during all this. Thea would love me then.
Suddenly curious, I asked, "What do you think Connor's going to do?"
They both shrugged in unison.
"Beats me. Connor is one of those people who I can't seem to understand," Cece said frowning.
"Yeah, but he's hella cute," Thea said dreamily.
Suddenly I felt annoyed with her. I hated when girls did that. They obsess over a boy because of his looks. Sure it was nice to be acknowledged for your looks, but people were more than just appearance. Connor especially.
"Aren't you scared of him?" Cece asked Thea.
I stared at Thea as she thought about it. Personally, I was also curious about that. He terrified me, yet he was the one protecting me. It was such a weird turn of events.
Eventually, Thea shook her head. "No, I feel safer when he's around."
I nearly snorted because I thought about the fury that was usually in his eyes. But then I remembered today. For the first time his eyes looked gentle and calm. They relaxed me without even trying, and maybe even made me feel calm.
Sighing, I was thankful the conversation changed. Connor was a mystery that left me overthinking things. I wondered if I'd ever be able to stop overthinking and just know.