I leave Tabitha's office in a state of shock. My mind is swirling with possibilities. Should I be mad that Ben called? Happy. Why did he do it?
"How did it go?" Jameela asks. She's wearing a deep red color that I've seen her using to alter photos of Kate. It suits her, though I still think it's weird to alter photos of some actress you don't know to see if you like her better in another color of dress.
"Give us the skinny," Addison adds. She's going her braids up in an intricate pattern on her head, like something that might've been worn in Bridgerton. Was this how she and Jameela made up? It seems out of character for Addison, but then again, she has many hidden parts of her, just like everyone.
I glance back toward Tabitha's office. The door is close. "I think it went well."
"Why do you look like that, then?" Addison asks.
"Like what?"
"Like a scared chicken."
"Addison!" Jameela gives her a whack in the arm, but not a violent one. "We talked about this."
Addison shrugs with one shoulder. "Sorry."
"It's fine." I sigh. "It was just something that happened in the meeting with Addison."
"What?"
"Apparently Ben called her."
They exchange a guilty glance.
"You knew this?"
Jameela's face flushes. "He called me earlier wanting to get Tabitha's number."
"How did he get your number?"
"Google?"
I think about it. Jameela is the only person of that name working at the BookBox, and I'm not sure I ever told Ben Tabitha's name. But more likely, he wanted to suss out the situation first.
"What did you tell him?"
"Just when the best time to reach her was."
"You sure that's all?"
"What else would I tell him?"
"Yeah, I guess. But why?"
Jameela's confused. "What do you mean?"
"Why did you give him Tabitha's number?"
"Did he say something bad?"
"No."
"Then what's the problem?"
"I just don't need my ex meddling in my affairs."
She uses her arms to hug herself. "But it's so romantic."
"Is it? What if he'd made things worse?"
Jameela looks down at the floor. "I didn't think of that."
I try to smooth out my tone. This isn't Jameela's fault, and I don't want to be in another fight. I'm having trouble though. I feel angry, though I'm not even sure why or at who. "I know you meant well, Jameela, but I broke up with Ben for a reason."
"What's the reason?" Addison asks.
"Because I can't trust him."
She crosses her arms. "He cheated on you?"
"No."
"He lied to you?"
"I mean, a little ..."
"What about?"
"His sister knew about the contest. He could've found me."
"Why didn't he?"
"He wasn't ready."
Addison shrugs. "Doesn't seem like that big a deal to me in the grand scheme of things."
I swallow a bitter laugh. These women are my allies. "Zoey doesn't think so."
"I told you, that's just a story."
"I know, but it's close enough to reality to make me see my reality."
"So, change it."
"I can't rewrite my life."
"Can't you?"
If you'd told me a couple of weeks ago that I'd be arguing with Addison about my right to break up with Ben, I would've thought you were nuts. But instead, everyone around me thinks I'm nuts. I haven't even told Kit yet what happened. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that the I'm scared that she's going to think I'm making a huge mistake.
That I'm scared I did.
"But it's my life," I say to Addison. "My decision. Isn't it?"
"Of course."
"I think I need to go."
Jameela pats me on the arm. "When will Tabitha let you know?"
"She said tomorrow."
"That's good."
"What if she fires me?"
"She won't."
"She might."
"There are other jobs," Addison says. "Have some confidence."
"I know." I smile at both of them. It's easy to speak about confidence when your head isn't on the chopping block. And it can't be easy to get a new job when you've been fired from your old one.
I push those thoughts away. "Thank you for helping me. I truly appreciate it."
"Co-workers should stick up for one another," Addison says.
"I agree." I think about hugging Addison, but she's not a hugger. "Any news on your book deal?"
"Not sure. They seem excited."
"And you?"
"I'll believe it when I see it."
"You're cautious, I understand that."
"We've all been hurt before."
I meet her eyes. "Yeah."
"See you around."
"Thanks, Addison."
She goes back to her desk and it's just me and Jameela.
"You're not mad at me, are you?" she asks.
"No."
"At Ben?"
"I'm not sure. It was invasive."
"I think he was trying to show you how much he cares."
"It's a fine line between stalking and showing someone you care about them."
"You should know."
I start to laugh. "Touché."
"Are you going to call him?"
"Not sure."
"Okay, I'll stop pushing. But ..."
I put up a hand. "Please do not quote Violet Bridgerton to me right now."
I have the line in my head anyway, something about how I shouldn't lose Ben. How even if it's hard, I shouldn't push love away. Or something like that. I don't know the script off by heart, yet. And maybe I'm just filling in the blanks with a message I want to hear.
"I won't."
I hug her. "Thank you."
"I'll see you later this week."
"That would be nice."
"It'll happen. I know it."
I release her. "Then I'll believe it."
Outside, on the street, I hold my phone, undecisive about what I want to do. Part of me wants to rip Ben a new one. To remind him that I don't need saving, that I can save myself. Part of me wants to thank him for trying. Part of me wants him back, even though it's only been a day.
I don't feel like I've ever been this indecisive before, not knowing what to do or how to act. It's tempting to see this as a sign of something. A sign that we're meant to be together, that I made a huge mistake. But didn't I just tell myself that I'd stop looking for signs from the universe? I'm not even a spiritual person. Why would the universe be speaking to me anyway? Why would it even care?
Hi Ben, I just had my meeting with Tabitha. She told me that you called her. I appreciate you trying to help, but I got this on my own.
He answers like he was sitting there waiting for me to text him. And maybe he was.
I know you do, but some backup never hurts.
I didn't ask for backup, tho.
I'm sorry. Did I make things worse?
No.
Is she going to give you your job back?
That's still being decided.
I hope it works out.
Thanks.
Are you mad?
I do feel angry, but it's mixed in with so many other things I don't know if I can recognize what I'm feeling. I'm not sure.
I shouldn't have said anything.
No.
I keep doing the wrong thing.
I don't write anything. I'll let my silence speak for me for once.
Any chance I can make this up to you?
I don't think so, Ben. I ... Just let me go, okay? Like I asked you to.
I don't want to do that.
I grip my phone harder. Am I really going to push away this man that I chased for months? Is that how my life is working now?
It's my choice, tho. Please respect it.
Okay, Chloe. Be well.
I shove my phone in my purse, and start to walk in a direction, any direction. It doesn't matter where I go, so long as it's away from here.
But my questions chase me down the street. Am I making the right decision? Everything in my body is screaming no. But that's just the chemicals talking. The pheromones. I'm in withdrawal like Ben was a drug.
It may hurt now, but I don't need a relationship to be happy. I was okay before.
And maybe, if I'm truly lucky, the universe will deliver me another Jack.