His heart stop beating.
The moment after I said Yes to him, his body surrender. My tears cannot stop flowing as it sync the cry of the waves. I embrace his cold body endlessly. Humagulhol ako. Nilabas ko lahat ng luha ko. Para nang sasabog ang puso ko sa sobrang sakit.
He probably just waited to slid his vow ring through my finger because he knew himself that he will not able to make it. We will not have the chance to greet each other a 'Happy Married!'. I lean my head onto his chest and my tears overflow when it really sink in to me...wala na talaga.
"B-Brent...mahal.."paulit ulit kong binabanggit iyon.
Hanggang sa naramdaman ko nalang na may kumalabit sa akin at diretsahang niyakap ako. It was Acel, together with Deo and Timothy. Sinabunutan ni Deo ang sarili at napahilamos naman si Timothy habang pinagmamasdan ang wala ng buhay na katawan ni Brent.
They cried it out. They loss their brother. The best brother.
It took a while for them before they hug Brent's body.
"Ayan kana naman eh, palagi kang nauuna.."Deo sobs.
Nagtago ako sa dibdib ni Acel. Kahit si Acel ay naririnig ko ang mahinang iyak niya. Timothy grab his last chance to hold Brent's hand.
"H-Hindi mo man lang kami hinintay.. Madaya ka talaga palagi.."it's Tim this time.
Umiling iling ako na halos ayaw na bumitiw kay Acel."H-hindi ko t-talaga kaya..."
Humigpit ang pagkakayakap niya sa akin."Hush...nandito ako. Hanggang dun lang talaga Shan eh, wala na tayong magagawa pa."
We gave off space for Yara's car. Dahan-dahang binuhat nina Timothy at Deo si Brent kasama ang ibang staff ng Elyu pasakay sa sasakyan ni Yara. Nasa labas ng resort ang porlon at itatransfer roon si Brent. Lumapit sa akin si Yara at mabilis akong niyakap.
"I'm so sorry for your loss, Brent was a great man, God will give him the best life in heaven."she whispered.
Sumabay ako sa sasakyan ni Yara. Nasa likod ako at yakap-yakap ang katawan ni Brent. Kahit pa noong nakalabas na kami ng resort ay hindi tumitigil ang agos ng mga luha ko. Nasa loob ako ng porlon at hawak-hawak ang kamay ni Brent. Sumabay sina Deo pabalik ng Manila habang naiwan naman sila Acel para asikasuhin ang mga gamit namin ni Brent sa villa.
While holding his hand, a lot of memories came into my mind. Bumalik lahat ng mga ala-ala naming dalawa. Simula pagkabata ay magkasama na kami kaya hindi mapupunan ang bawat araw na kasama ko siya. It seems like Shannel and Brent in all always.
It all came back. Tuwing sinusundo niya ako sa bahay para maglaro kami sa basketball court. Yung mga liga nila na palagi naming pinapanood ni Acel. yung paghatid-sundo niya sa'kin na tila ba ay hindi man lang magawang mapagod. Yung mga gawain namin dati na halos ayaw ng umalis sa Trish's dahil sa blueberry cheesecake. Yung sa bawat araw ng exam ko ay nakaabang na siya sa gate kapag hapon at may hawak na bouquet. Lahat-lahat.
Halos bawat galaw ko na ay kasama ko si Brent. How will I be able to do things without him now? Halos sinukuan ko nga ang pitong taon...paano na ngayon na hindi na talaga babalik. Kahit mamiss ko pa siya minu-minuto, wala na akong magagawa. Hindi na pwedeng itext o tawagan kasi yung pagkawala panghabang-buhay na. Hindi na kailanman babalik pa.
"Can I get his name please, Ma'am?"
I look upon the staff of the burial. I smiled weakly at him."He is Brent..."I paused for a moment and gulp as I felt my tears in the corner of my eyes again."Brent Edison Gimenez."
His cousins and other relatives help me to assist his burial. I bought the goldest coffin for him because he is the brightest for me. At the first day of his wake, I talk to him, I talk non-stop as if he'll be able to answer or respond. I talk to him until noon. Nang mag-ala una ng hapon, dumating ang mga kasamahan ni Brent sa hospital. All of them cried while thanking Brent for letting them have a successful life. Sunod-sunod namang dumating ang mga blockmates niya noong college. Ang ka-teammates at couch niya na agad namang inasikaso nina Deo at Tim.
Later on, Wyatt and Rhys arrived.
"Condolence Shan.."niyakap ako ni Wyatt, ganoon rin ang ginawa ni Rhys.
I talk to them for a while about Brent's condition before I excuse myself because some of my colleagues arrived too.
"Kumain ka muna,"Yara and Acel went to offer me lunch.
I smiled."I'm okay, kakain din ako maya-maya."I said to cast their worries.
Napabuntong hininga si Acel at umupo sa tabi ko samantalang binalik naman ni Yara ang pagkain sa desk. Acel keep on patting my back as Yara.
"What's wrong with 26?" nilingon ko sila pareho.
Gusto kong matawa kasi bakit palaging 26. It was December 26 when he first left me, but he came back. Now it's June 26 and he left me forever.
"Shan.."kino-comfort ako ni Yara habang patuloy parin sa paghagod ng likod ko.
"Naroon ako Shan, simula pa noon. I've witnessed it all, kung kailan nagsimula at hanggang ngayon. I am not you but it really hurt me a lot."
I bit my lower lip as Acel said those words. I stare at the square board beside Brent's coffin.
Name: Brent Edison Gimenez
Birthday: November 19 1996
Death: June 26 2023
Time of Death: 5:26 P.M
"I love him...so much."
I stood up to come towards his coffin. I passage a look at his face. Para lang siyang natutulog. At sana nga...sana nga natutulog nalang siya.
He was all perfect. But I cannot stop it anymore, it's his time. Hanggang dito lang talaga siya. My tears pool down on my cheeks as I continue staring at his face that I don't wanna cut it anymore.
Hindi ako natulog noong unang gabi ng lamay niya. Naroon lang ako, nakaabang at nakatulala. Para bang may tumutulok sa'kin na huwag ko siyang iwan roon. Kaya nanatili ako.
Halos hindi ko na nga namalayang inumaga na pala ako sa upuan kung hindi lang ako inaya nina Timothy na kumain. I ate even though I don't have appetite. Kasi nakakasama na walang laman ang tiyan ko.
Even through that, hindi ko nilulubayan ng tingin ang kabaong niya. Sa bawat pagsubo ko, alam kong nakatingin silang lahat sa akin.
I was glad that I was there. I'm glad that I was there beside him before he finally left the world. I was glad that he chose to be with me 'til his last breath. He was good the day before it happened that's why I thought everything will be okay.
But he stops there.
The next day, Brent's family arrived. Mabilis pa sa segundo ang nagawang pagyakap ng Mama ni Brent sa akin habang humahagulhol siya sa iyak.
Niyakap ko ito pabalik. Hindi ko na din napigilan ang mga luha ko. Lumapit si Annie para yumakap din.
"I'm sorry po..."I keep on apologizing.
"N-no hija, hindi ka dapat nags-sorry.
I'm actually thankful that you accept him again...i-ikaw lang ang lakas niya hija.."
Ilang minuto rin silang umiyak sa akin. Kalaunan ay bumitaw na sila at hinawakan ng Mama ni Brent ang mga kamay ko. Inaya ko siyang maupo samantalang nilapitan naman nina Deo at Timothy si Annie na nag-iiyak sa kabaong ni Brent.
"Alam mo ba, mahal na mahal ka ng anak ko. Kahit noon paman na mga bata pa kayo...kaya noong pinilit ko siyang puntahan kami sa Seattle ng kapatid niya, ayaw niya talagang pumunta.."
"...kaya niyang isakripisyo ang sarili niya para sa pagmamahal niya sayo.
Mahal na mahal ka ng anak ko hija, umabot na sa puntong pinagbawalan ko siyang kontakin ka dahil alam kong uuwi siya dahil gusto ka niyang makita..."
"...Pero Shannel hija, ibig sabihin din nun, kung uuwi siya mas lalong hindi siya gagaling. Pero alam mo? Sobrang sisingsisi ako dahil dapat pala hinayaan ko nalang siya. He didn't make it to his operation, it was not successful. Dalawang operasyon yun pero walang nangyari, hindi siya gumaling."
"T-tita.."
Napailing-iling ito."I should have let him contact or even see you. He even got weak through the years he didn't see you or even heard your voice. The longing was there. That's why, I let him when he asked to go home. Because I know so much, that how matter big our home is...it cannot level his home, because you...you are his home hija."
"Mahal na mahal ko rin po ang anak ninyo. At hindi po nagkulang si Brent na iparamdam sa'kin ang pagmamahal niya."
She slowly nodded."He's in heaven now...and it's a torture for me as his mother. Hindi madali para sa isang ina ang mawalan ng anak. It will take me a while to move on without my son...but for now, let's just pray for his soul."
Tumayo kami at lumapit sa kabaong ni Brent. Ngayon ay kalmado na si Annica at nakaupo kasama nina Yara at Acel. Hinaplos ni Tita Brianna ang kabaong kasabay ng pagpunas niya sa pisngi. Now, I'm the one patting her back to comfort her.
It must be so hard for her. Si Brent lang ang isang anak niyang lalaki. At wala pa siya noong tuluyan ng nagpaalam si Brent.
Sobrang hirap at sakit para sa'kin, paano pa kaya sakanya na isang ina?
Nang kumalma na siya ay bumalik na kami sa inuupuan kanina. The prayer for Brent started. Brent's Mom never let go of my hand as well, Annie.
I prayed continuesly even after the prayer for his soul. I talk to God, I let out all my heartaches. I lean on Him and depend myself to him.
I did it until dawn. I just made myself feel Brent's presence. I watch our videos and listen to our voice records together with my prayers.
Destiny may only give us a very short time but I will keep on thanking God that he made me love by the most wonderful man in the world. That he let me experience the love I've been longing.
"Our Condolence Doctora,"some of Brent's past patients visit his wake.
And that was also the day I've learn that Tiara, his longest patient died because of leukemia. I send my condolences to the kid's family too.
Walang permanente sa mundo. Lahat ay limitado, lahat natatapos. Kaya habang nandyan pa, dapat pahalagahan kasi hindi natin alam kung kailan mawawala.
I distance myself from the people in the wake for a while and brought Brent's phone with me. I open it and direct myself to his camera. I took a large amount of breathe before I click it's button.
I smiled widely and wave at the camera.
"Hi love! How are you there in heaven? I know you're doing good.
I know...you're happy to be with Him.
Please, always guide me as I walk continuesly like what you've thought me. Gagawin ko yun dahil mayroon akong ikaw na alam kong patuloy na sumusuporta sa akin."
"You already know how much I love and admire you. I will always be thankful that you came into my life love. It became colorful because of you, because I have you beside me.
Walang makakapantay sa pagmamahal mo."
"Mahal na mahal na mahal kita. I'll only look up when I miss you okay? Even though I miss you everyday. It's just a different emptiness without you here with me so, accept my prayers and live comfortably up there with our gracious God. Again, remember as always...I love you so much, Brent."
My heart is not heavy as the first day anymore but the last night of his wake went so hard and rough for me.
Tita Brianna was the first one to talk in front for Brent. She detailed from Brent's young figure until he grew. She talked about how sweet Brent is as her son, how caring and loving Brent is. Brent is the kindest man for her. After that, Deo proceed in front.
Hindi paman siya nakakapagsalita ay umiyak na siya kaya mabilis siyang dinaluhan ni Yara.
I wipe my tears using my handkerchief. Everyone around us are crying because all of them are close to Brent's heart.
"S-si Brent, sobrang bait n'yan. Dati noong mga bata pa kami nina Timothy, naglalaro kami ng basketball tapos palagi niya kaming natatalo. Eh, may pustahan kami na magbabayad ng candy kung sino man manalo, talo kami nun pero wala kaming pambili ng candy kaya inako niya ang pagkatalo at bumili siya ng candy para sa amin ni Tim.."
"Until we've grown up, ganoon parin si Brent. Maaasahan at karamay namin palagi. We're all in the same age, kaming tatlo. Pero kung umasta si Brent parang kuya namin siya ni Tim kasi sobrang matured niyang mag-isip. Sa lahat ng ginagawa namin magkakasama kaming magpinsan kaya sobrang hirap sa amin ngayong wala na siya. His brother figure, his kind treatment and his love for us.
That'll be miss."
Sumunod naman si Timothy.
"Just like what Dencel said, Brent was the kindest man we knew aside from ourselves. He gives everything, kami muna bago siya. Palagi niyang inuuna ang iba, he never been experience to be selfish. I will miss his jokes and banat to Shannel. I will miss witnessing how hardworking he is. Kahit pa noong college hanggang sa naging Doktor na nga siya. Not just the most kindest man but also the most hardworking one..."
"A one call away buddy, yung tipong alam mong hindi mo dapat ilulong ang sarili mo sa problema kasi may karamay ka. Brent has been always beside me and Dencel, but it's a hit for us that we never knew that he's sick.
Now, I will just only pray for him. Thanks a lot man!" he even turn to Brent's coffin.
Annie refused to talk because of her swollen eyes. Ang sabi niya, kakausapin niya nalang ang Kuya niya ng siya lang. So, fortunately I stood up and breathe out to send my words to Brent.
"I'm Shannel, fiancé po ako ni Brent. He proposed to me just 5 minutes before he lose over his illness. Lahat ng nabanggit nila kanina, totoo po yun. Kilala ko na si Brent kahit pa noong bata pa kami, siya ang unang nag-aaya sa aking maglaro dahil hindi pinapayagang maglaro sa labas yung pinsan ko. Lumaki ako kasama siya kaya halos kalahati ng buhay, kasama ko na si Brent. We love each other since I was 12 and he was 13 and we give justice to it when we became 26 and 27. It was worth the risk, loving him has no regrets. A word thank you cannot express how thankful I am for having him. My one call away person, my comforter, my crying shoulder, my sheild, my always in all always.."
"But for some reason...we will all be dead. And his life just stops there. I'll forever be grateful to God sa lahat ng ginawa niya para sa amin ni Brent. He guide us to the right direction that's why Brent and I met each other again. And tonight, I mark my words.
Even in different and how many lifetimes, I will always chose Brent.
Forever and beyond."