June 29th, 2022
Harry did not get me out of the dinner.
However he did get put on janitor duty at work much to his dismay and my amusement for trying to interfere while I got a very stern talking to from Zayn over spilling the details to Harry. Zayn forgave me quickly and also apologized for putting me in a situation where I would have to lie like that and he promised never again at least.
Which leads me to now. Dressed and ready to go while I try to keep my coffee down and read this script until I can recite every little thing on the pages word for word. I got to that point late last night after I decided I wasn't going to get any sleep but now that I'm only a few minutes away from Zayn picking me up to go to the restaurant I feel like I've forgotten everything, including my own name. I probably should have ate real food before heading out to this dinner but there was no way I was going to be able to stomach anything solid.
Aside from my sweat soaked hands that are leaving indents on the piece of paper in front of me, physically I look amazing. Zayn put into my head that distraction could be a great tactic when trying to persuade someone, so I took his advice and pulled out a dress that I never thought I'd be able to wear again for the occasion. It's an emerald green satin dress with a corset top and it's about calf length with a slit going all the way up my right thigh, stopping just below the crease in my thigh, paired with black pumps that make me close to six feet tall, giving me that aura of power that I thrive off of.
When I was in middle and high school a lot of my favorite physical features now are things I used to be made fun of for. I've always been insecure about being on the bigger side, my thighs and butt were always too big, the pouch my stomach makes in tight clothing was always an eyesore, I was always too tall for all my crushes, and my boobs were always too small.
I was a part of the generation that watched the switch from skinny being "in" in fashion to chubby being "in". I didn't understand it, it felt like overnight seventeen year old me went from being called fat to being called "thick" and it being a good thing. It never settled right with me, knowing that the fashion industry has such a hold on women's bodies that our bodies are subject to being a fashion trend. Being a bigger girl, it just made me feel like no matter what I would always be under scrutiny in some way.
As I've gotten older, I've realized that following body trends is horribly unhealthy of course, and I've found beauty in myself through a lot of self reflection and healing. I'll never be one hundred percent there, but I'm confident in myself.
And damn do I look good in this dress.
I even did my hair for the occasion, throwing some loose curls in and pinning the top half back a bit messily to give it a certain look. My makeup is dark, darker than I've ever worn it before with bright red lipstick that clashed with my hair a bit, but it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I'm sure Mr. Big Scary Drug Dealer isn't going to care.
A soft knock at my door has me jumping out of my seat, my heart pounding and my hands shaking as I take my time walking towards the door, trying to prolong this as much as possible. I take a deep breath and unlock the door, opening it slowly until I'm met with an unexpected pair of green eyes.
"Oh hey!" I take a moment to look Harry up and down, seeing as he looks like he's going to be my date for the night in a pair of loose cream colored slacks and a lilac button up tucked in with only half the buttons done up. I also couldn't help but notice he's wearing the famous rings he mentioned and damn does he pull them off well. "I was expecting Zayn but this is fine, wait here I'll grab my bag and we can go."
Harry hasn't said a word since I opened the door, the entire minute we stood in the threshold he just stared at me with a dumb look on his face, like he might have just seen a ghost before he knocked. For the month I've known him he's always been a man of very few words, so it's not weird necessarily, but you'd think he'd at least say hi. Rude.
I grab my small clutch, my apartment keys, and a jacket in case it rains and make my way back to Harry who hasn't moved an inch since I left him there. I nudge him away from the doorway and lock the door behind us.
"You're being weird," I point out as we start to make our way to the side door in the hallway. "You okay there curly?"
This seems to momentarily snap him out of whatever daze he's been in as he looks at me like I forgot I was even there. "Uh, yeah. Good. You look... nice."
Nice? Nice? I look nice? It's not like I was expecting him to fall to his knees and kiss my feet but I was thinking I might get a better reaction than nice. I take it back, I want Zayn here. He would have hyped me up.
Okay maybe I still like external validation. I'm human, sue me.
"Thanks, so do you," I say as nonchalantly as I can. "Don't take this the wrong way, but where's Zayn? I thought he was supposed to pick me up so we could drive to the restaurant in Bothell."
"Zayn is already at the restaurant waiting for us. I borrowed his car, I'll drive us there and then Zayn and I will be at a table nearby to keep watch," he says curtly, avoiding my eyes. He's acting weird. Did I do something? We were just talking on the phone last night. I mean, it was just to inform me that his plan failed and me making fun of him for the janitor thing, but he couldn't be mad at that, could he? No, he even told me to fuck off after that and I take that as a good sign.
No it has to be something else. I don't want to push him and keep asking if he's okay, it's none of my business, but I don't like seeing him like this and we have a long night ahead of us.
We make it down the steps of the building where Zayn's car is waiting for us right outside the curb. I've seen it before, but never been in it, the one time I went out on a date with Zayn he was going to drive us there but we decided at the last minute to walk. It's a nice car, a BMW I know that much, but not much else.
To my surprise when we get to the car, Harry actually opens the passenger door for me, stepping aside and bringing his arm out like this is some grand gesture with a grin. As I walk past him and start to step into the car, I hit his chest but give him a grateful smile and he laughs as he shuts the door behind me.
I've never driven with Harry and I can't lie and say the thought of watching him in the drivers seat doesn't make me want to cross my legs. I don't know what it is about men driving, but there's something.
I watch him clip his seatbelt in and pull out his phone. After a few seconds of him scrolling he puts on some music, something I don't recognize but the sound is familiar.
And then he does the thing where he puts his hand on my headrest to back up from the car in front of us and pull around.
This is going to be a long fucking night.
Especially if for whatever reason he's barely speaking to me.
"You're staring," he says without looking at me, concentrating on the road.
"Yeah you wish," I fire back immediately, knowing I've been caught but choosing to be stubborn about it.
He rolls his eyes but I swear I see the hint of a smile on his face. "Where's my ring?"
"I'm working on it. Patience is a virtue, my friend," I wink at him, moving my concentration to the hem of my dress.
Truthfully, I haven't even started on the promised piece of jewelry. I thought I knew what I wanted to do for him, but I keep second guessing myself. I just want it to be perfect for him and I want him to like it. So in a way I have started it, if you count me scribbling ideas out and throwing them away repeatedly.
Neither of us are speaking, only the sound of the music and the street around us filling the silence. It's not until about ten minutes into our drive that I notice what music he's actually put on, as Dancing Queen plays through the speakers.
"You listen to ABBA!" I say it more like I'm accusing him of something rather than asking a question.
"You got a problem with ABBA?" He raises his eyebrow.
"Not at all, I'm just surprised!" Harry does not seem like the type to listen to ABBA. He's so moody and quiet. I absolutely cannot picture him actually enjoying this.
I reach over to turn up the volume and look at him excitedly. I may not know ABBA well, but I do know Dancing Queen. Who hasn't seen Mamma Mia?
"Sing it with me!" I yell at him, putting my hands up as I sing along. "You are the dancing queen! Young and sweet, only seventeen! Dancing queen!"
He shakes his head and tries to keep a blank expression, but I reach over and poke his arm to the beat while I continue to sing loudly. He rolls his eyes and then briefly looks over at me, giving me a smirk while he turns up the radio even louder and rolls down the windows.
"You can dance! You can jive! Having the time of your life! Ooh see that girl, watch that scene, digging the dancing queen!" He belts out holding his arm out the window. Harry's got some pipes on him I'll give him that. He's grinning and tapping his other hand against the steering wheel and I swear he looks so boyish in this moment. This is the side of Harry I've been dying to see. Sure, he's been goofy with me and bit more forward than he is in public, but never so carefree.
His outburst stuns me and I forget we're supposed to be singing together until he gives me a look. I mimic his movements and put my arm out of the window and join him, dancing in my seat and screaming the words out of the open window.
"You are the dancing queen! Young and sweet only seventeen! Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine, oh yeah!" We yell together, looking at each other as we sing the last part of the song. We're both laughing hysterically as the song fades out into the next ABBA song, this one being one I don't know but they have a distinct sound.
I reach back over to turn down the music slightly, still out of breath. "So you like ABBA huh?"
"I don't want to hear it," he grumbles after composing himself.
"What else do you listen to then?" I still only know a few small details about Harry, so I'll take anything I can get.
"Guess you'll have to find out," he shrugs as he pulls into the parking lot of the restaurant. "We're here. You ready for this?"
"As ready as I'll ever be," I sigh, reaching down to the floor of the car to grab my bag. Harry parks near the front and does a good quick check to make sure he has everything he needs. He goes to grab the door handle to get out but I stop him, needing to ask him something before we go inside.
"Hey, Harry, wait. Did I... did I do something?" I say shyly, hating that I feel the need to ask for reassurance from someone I'm barely even friends with.
"What do you mean?" He genuinely looks puzzled by my question, which makes me a relax a little. "Like, are you asking if you did something wrong? Are you asking if I'm mad at you?"
"Yeah, I guess... whatever forget I said anything. Let's go—"
"No not whatever. I'm not mad at you, why would I be?" He frowns to himself, looking over my face.
"I don't know, you've just been quiet. No sarcastic remarks, no insults, nothing. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't because of me," I tell him quietly.
He looks torn for a second, like maybe there is a deeper reason for his change in attitude but he doesn't want to say it. After a few more excruciating seconds, he turns to face me completely in his seat, reaching up and grabbing my chin to turn my head towards him.
"You look fucking incredible tonight. I haven't stopped thinking about that night in the bar bathroom since it happened, and you looking like that isn't helping. This isn't the appropriate setting and it's taking everything in me to not drag you to the backseat and fuck you until you can't walk." His eyes turn dark as he says this lowly, not faltering from eye contact once. I swallow at his words and suddenly this dinner can't end fast enough.
I've never heard him talk like that. So forward, so confident, so sexy. Jesus Christ I need to talk a very long walk.
"Understood," I squeak out, pushing my thighs together.
"Good," he smirks, letting go of my chin and turning to get out of the car.
I'm frozen to my seat, taking a second to compose myself before I get out. I'm sure my face is flushed and now my palms are even more sweaty than before. As I turn to open the car door, Harry beats me to it, opening my door for me and stepping aside. I step out of the car and see him giving me a knowing look and a once over now that the cats out of the bag and he can openly stare.
This does make my confidence go up as we walk into the restaurant, me a bit ahead of Harry since we're going to different tables. I tell the hostess the name I was given and she grabs a menu and waves me on to follow her.
The restaurant is really nice and I'm so glad I dressed up the way I did. I fit right in. The place looks like a castle and everyone is dressed to the nines. Fancy bottles of wine litter most of the tables as I pass by and I can hear very faint piano playing throughout the floor. The hostess leads me to table near the back. I pass by Zayn sitting at a table and the first thing I notice is his hair is now hot pink, just a few shades darker than mine. He gives me a wink as the hostess stops at the table behind him, setting a menu down across from the man waiting for me.
I've been told the man's name is Theo and he's a lot younger than I was anticipating. I thought he would be older and grimey but he's not bad to look at, with his auburn red hair and expensive looking suit. Everything about this man screams "filthy rich", even his cologne that I can smell the moment I sit down. Maybe this dinner won't be so bad after all.
The hostess lets us know our waiter will be with us shortly and leaves us be. I decide to break the silence and introduce myself even though I'm sure he already knows.
"Hi, it's nice to meet you. I'm Cassie," I hold out my hand for him to shake, but he instead grabs it and places a small kiss on the back of my hand.
"Theo," he grins at me. His eyes are a gorgeous shade of caramel framed by stupidly long eyelashes. His smile immediately makes me feel at ease. "Heard a lot about you."
"Oh yeah? Good things, I hope," I pout at him.
"Very good things. Might I say you look absolutely ravishing tonight, Jim said you were a looker but I wasn't prepared for this," he says confidently, while I feel disgusting knowing Jim said that about me. But I shake it off and continue the small talk until we order our drinks and an appetizer to share.
I sip on my margarita and contemplate how to bring up the very reason we're here. Theo seems to have forgotten the point, asking me useless questions about my hobbies and job like this is a real date and he's trying to get to know me. I resist the urge to tell him to fuck off and get to the point, hoping if I feign interest and flirt back I'll have a better chance at convincing him to stay in business with Jim.
He talks more about himself than anything and I regret thinking this dinner might be okay just because he's physically attractive. The man has the personality of a rock. Every time he opens his mouth all I can hear is the sound the adults make on Charlie Brown. Wamp, wamp wamp, wamp, wamp wamp. I'm going to need several of these margaritas if I'm going to continue listening to this.
I let my mind wander as we sit, thinking about the car ride here and what Harry said when I asked for reassurance. Just remembering his words and his face when he said them has me wanting to cross my legs. He said he hasn't stopped thinking about the night at the bar and honestly, neither have I. There was a spark there, whether it was only lust or not it doesn't matter. I've been craving the feeling ever since.
And he looks damn good tonight. This is only the second time I've ever seen him dressed up and I have to admit he has style. And those rings, good god. I wonder what it would feel like if he slapped me with them—
"Your calamari," our waitress says placing the plate between us. "Another margarita and whiskey?"
"Please," Theo and I say at the same time.
I reach across to pick at the calamari that smells amazing and decide to just go for it and get this conversation over with.
"So Theo, I hear you're thinking about switching distributors?" I start casual to wiggle my way in with the facts.
"I am. Jim's product is too expensive for me to continue. Old man never learned to cut his shit. I spend half a million dollars a year on his shit, when I could be going to Oregon and cutting that number in half," he says matter of factly.
"What if we offered you a discount?" I bat my eyelashes at him a bit and swirl my straw around in my drink.
"Depends."
"Jim is willing give you 10% off your next bulk purchase," I recite from my memory of the script.
"Jim can fuck right off then, that's bullshit. Fifty percent off or no deal," he bites back.
"He thought you might say that, which is why he's also willing to do free delivery." At this point I sound like a fucking infomercial, if infomercials advertised cocaine. Please just agree so I can leave.
This does make him ponder for a moment, but then he frowns and shakes his head, looking down at the table. "No dice."
"Jim's product is pure, so of course it's going to be more expensive. Wouldn't you prefer quality product being sold to your clientele?" I argue with him, pulling out as many sales tactics as I can still giving him the script verbatim.
"Don't give a shit. I'm not a coke head, I just sell it. My clients know these days you don't know what you're getting when you buy coke, so why am I going to break the bank giving them the pure shit when I could be making a bigger profit?"
This guy is a real prick. So he'd rather cut his product with Fentanyl and turn a blind eye to the deaths it causes than take responsibility for the blood on his hands?
Harry and Zayn are going to kill me, but I can't sit here and listen to this.
"Do you know how many deaths a year there are due to Fentanyl overdoses?" I raise my voice. "That's sick of you. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Do you know how many kids use coke as a party drug, how many people who aren't addicts and aren't as educated on this are going to die and you just don't care?"
"That's right. I don't give a single. Fuck. Why don't you remember your place. I know you know who you're talking to." He winks at me which makes me want to reach across table and slap the smirk off of his face.
"Fuck you," I spit, standing up in my spot. I'm probably causing a scene but at this point I don't care. "You're disgusting. This was a complete waste of my time. I hope your little business gets busted and you get thrown in prison to rot for the rest of your miserable—"
It happened so fast I didn't even have a chance to register what happened right away. Theo stands up in front of me and smacks his hand hard across my face, hard enough that I immediately tasted blood. I sit right back down and cower away from him, completely stunned and unsure of what to do next. All I can feel is the sting of my cheek and the panic building in my chest. This is not the time to have a panic attack but I don't know how to stop it.
Theo steps forward closer to me again and my eyes dart around him to try to escape and get out of here, but my ears are ringing so loud I can't concentrate and everything is blurry around me. He reaches forward and grabs my chin to make me look at him and I think of Harry in that moment in the car, but with Harry I felt safe. It felt okay to give someone that kind of control. Now Theo doing the same thing to me just an hour later makes me want to throw up all over the front of him.
"You listen here you little bitch—" I tense up and scrunch up my face, waiting for another blow, but it doesn't come. I feel his hands leave my face and when I look up I see Harry dragging Theo out by his collar towards the door, while other customers stare and whisper among themselves.
I notice Zayn standing in front of me talking, but I can't hear what he's saying. My head is spinning and I feel like I'm going to pass out at any second, but then I feel Zayn pulling me to my feet. I follow him in what feels like a daze towards the entrance until we round a corner to a secluded area and Zayn is stopping us and putting his hands on my shoulders.
I can see him saying "breathe" and taking breaths in and out and that's when I realize I've been hyperventilating. I finally come to my senses a little when I start focusing on his breathing to match mine with his.
I take another minute to lean on him and calm myself down. "You're okay," he says stroking my hair. "Let's go find Harry and get the fuck out of here."
I nod at him weakly as he starts to walk further down the alley way on the side of the restaurant and it's then that I can hear someone yelling. It's definitely Harry and I worry something is happening to him so I rush past Zayn towards the noise. Zayn calls out at me to stop but all I can focus on right now is making sure Harry is safe.
When I found another corner to what I'm assuming is the back of restaurant considering there's dumpsters and boxes all over the ground, I see Harry pinning Theo up against the wall by his throat, screaming at him for being a piece of shit and hitting women.
"If I ever, ever see you around here again I will kill you. Do you understand? Do you fucking understand me?!" Harry yells, his face red and his neck veins looking like they're about to pop out completely. I feel the panic in me start to rise again and my breathing picks back up.
"Harry! Harry stop! Let's just go, please!" I yell from a few feet away, looking over at Zayn to see him watching casually as he leans against the wall. "Zayn do something!"
"Shush, he's fine," he waves me off without looking at me.
Harry throws a punch at Theo's already bloody face that I'm sure Harry caused and I scream again, terrified at what I'm witnessing.
"I was just waiting for the dumb bitch to get up to go to the bathroom so I could really get her home and have my way with her—" Theo croaks out with an attempt to smile sickeningly.
That was probably not the right thing to say. I'm going to be sick.
I watch Harrys face change from one of fury to complete rage. I've never seen him look so dark before. The way he's defending me does make me feel good, but the entire circumstance around this is bringing back horrible memories that seem to keep following me no matter how far I run.
Harry reaches into the waistband of his pants and pulls out a gun. I'm now in a full blown panic, unable to catch my breath. I know I'm screaming at Harry to stop but it's like he's not hearing me or maybe I'm not even making a sound and I just think I am. I look to Zayn to see if he's going to do something now and to my surprise he casually kicks himself off the wall and calmly walks over to Harry.
He says something to Harry that makes him pause and I see a look of realization come over his face as he lets go of Theo completely who falls into a crumpled bloody mess on the asphalt below him. Zayn steps toward Theo and looks down at him, giving Harry a pointed look. Harry walks back over to me with regret in his eyes and I feel myself start to calm down a little as he reaches down and grabs the tips of my fingers with his own shaky hand and leads me away from the scene behind us.
"Where- where are we going?" I hiccup out over my tears.
"I'm calling us an Uber. I'll ride with you to your place and walk home from there," he says shortly. I don't say anything back. I don't think I can. I feel like I'm in a fish bowl, looking at everything around me with clouded vision and muffled hearing. Suddenly I feel my stomach churn and I grip Harry's hand to try to signal for him to stop.
"What—" he starts to say like he's annoyed but I can't hold it any longer. I run to a bush to my right and hopefully shield myself from the public to throw up. It's just too much all at once. All I can see in my head is Alex and I keep hoping I just pass out from the stress so I don't have to deal with the trauma coming back, but unfortunately I am not that lucky.
"You're okay, it's okay," Harry whispers. He holds my hair back while I throw up until nothing comes out anymore. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
He keeps repeating that until I finally finish, standing up to wipe my mouth and reach inside my clutch to pull out a piece of gum I thankfully brought with me. Harry backs up to give me some space and I give him a look to tell him I'm good now. I just don't have the words to speak to him right now.
While I was mad at Harry at first, now that a few minutes have passed I realized I'm not upset with him or even scared of him after everything I just witnessed. I'm mad at myself. I put myself into these situations and then wonder why my life is the way it is. I'm just so sick of being me. I just need a break in life and I feel like that's never going to happen. I can run all I want as many times as I want to and I will always end up unhappy.
I'm so tired of running. I just want to be happy.
The Uber comes after a few minutes and Harry and I sit on opposite ends of the backseat. We sit in silence for the ride back to my apartment and when we finally stop outside, Harry gets out with me. I really don't want to be alone but would Harry even consider staying with me?
"Harry," I whisper as the car pulls away. "Don't go."
He looks surprised at my request, looking at me like I might have lost my mind and maybe I have but I don't care. "You're not scared of me?" he says almost shyly, like this whole time he didn't want to speak to me because he thought I might break because of him and the thought makes my chest ache.
"No," I shake my head and make eye contact with him so he hopefully knows I'm not lying. "I don't want to be alone."
I can tell Harry is hesitant at the request, but he eventually nods, taking the lead up the side stairs to my place. I slowly follow behind him, careful not to trip in the uncomfortable heels I'm still wearing.
When we get inside Harry goes straight to my kitchen and I don't question him as I pull out different clothes and slip into the bathroom to change. When I come out there's a steaming cup of coffee ready for me on the kitchen counter while Harry stares blankly out of the back door.
I don't think he heard me come out of the bathroom, so I quietly make my way to the couch and sit and whisper out a quiet thank you. He turns around to look at me and then silently makes his way to the couch too, sitting next to me. He holds his hand out in between us and I hesitantly scoot my hand over until he grabs just the tips of my fingers.
"I'm so sorry," he whispers again.
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it's double update time!!
i'm really proud of this one and i hope you like it too.
thanks for reading <3