~BAYLEY'S POV~
When I got into my room, I locked my door and just faceplanted onto my bed, screaming and nearly crying into my pillow.
"I'm doing the right thing...I'm doing the right thing..." I tried to tell myself multiple times, more...trying to Convince myself than tell.
I grabbed my head with both hands, hoping I wouldn't bawl my eyes out, before flipping onto my back, staring up at the ceiling with my puffy eyes.
When I did that, all I could think of was what Seth said about Adam. 'This...this is insane...I-I've only ever seen panic attacks this bad in...well, Abuse Victims...'
It rang through my head a million times. I had to close my eyes at the thought. Regardless of what abuse he suffered, if at all, he didn't deserve to go through what I was putting him through.
And the worst part was, I knew it. I knew he didn't deserve it, yet here I was, forcing my way through those feelings of hesitancy to just...hurt him more.
I mean, just look at everything I've done to him. Relentless insults, trying to punch him, kicking him, almost causing multiple panic attacks, ACTUALLY causing a serious panic attack, and even slapping my own best friend to get to him.
And all of it, for what? To make him angry? To make him hate me? Because I'm too scared to be in love?
"I need to...I have to...I...I can't..." I couldn't let my heart be broken again, but in a way, all of this was breaking it anyway, just slower.
I punched the bed beside myself a few times, just wanting to let my anger out somehow. I wanted to scream it out, but I knew someone would hear me, so I didn't.
I sat up and wrapped my hands around my face, crying into my hands, trying to keep my sobs as quiet as I could, so no one would know I was crying.
To my surprise though, there was a knock at the door. I gasped in my surprise and stared forward at it, not sure what to do.
"...G-Go away!" I shouted out, which...sounded a lot sadder than I wanted it to, there was even a voice crack in it.
But that only lead to even more knocking. An almost constant stream of it too. I was surprised, and wasn't even sure what to do at first, before...I gave up.
I groaned loudly, trying to quickly wipe away all the tears and snot on my face before I stood up and started walking towards the door. The knocking didn't stop, until I reached forward and unlocked it.
I pulled it open, and there stood...the exact person I didn't want to be there....
...Adam.
As soon as I saw him there, I tried to slam it closed, but he caught it surprisingly quickly, putting his hand between it and the frame.
"We need to talk." He told me plainly, so I immediately tried to barge it closed. I couldn't say anything because I could feel the tears start to build up again, and the lump in my throat had gotten to big to get words out.
He countered that though by pressing both his hands against the door, trying to push it open against me trying to push it closed.
I remember just begging myself to get the door closed, putting everything I could into pushing on it. Unfortunately, either due to my emotional fragility impacting my physical strength or...him just being stronger than me, he pushed the door open more after a second.
I screamed a little as I tried even harder, which made him groan a little, before he played it smart. He slipped through the crack in the door as quickly as could, almost getting his ankle slammed into the door in the process.
I looked right at him in shock, seeing as he was now in my room without my consent. He took a deep breath and looked right at me, noticeably annoyed.
"We Need To Talk." He repeated to me in a tone that reflected how he looked. Annoyed. I shook my head and stepped forward, grabbing him by the t-shirt and trying to push him out of the room.
"Get out!! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU ASSHOLE!!!!" I screamed at him, just trying my hardest to get out of this situation. I actually pushed him towards the door a fair bit, but he stood his ground after the initial surprise, pushing back on me.
"I'm done playing this stupid game, Bayley! Just talk to me! What's going on!?" He shouted at me, struggling to keep me from pushing him. I silently kept trying for a moment, starting to get really close to my breaking point, as I basically stood at a 45 degree angle trying to push him.
"Please...get...out..." Was all I said, trying not to break down right there. He struggled to keep me from pushing him, and tucked his arms under mine to keep himself from moving, before...having enough.
"Oh come on! Quit the bullshit tough girl act and fucking TALK TO ME BAYLEY!!!" He shouted in anger at me, continuing to push against me. Him shouting like that at me...broke me.
I completely broke down, my knees buckled and I wanted to fall to the floor, bawling my eyes out, but he had a grip on me. All I could do there was wrap my arms around him, colliding with him in a hug, my legs limp on the floor, and my tears soaking through his shirt, my sobs echoing through the room.
He hugged back right away, taking a few breaths as he did. I could feel him shaking from the emotional high, but he just...stood there, hugging me.
After a few moments of me crying against his chest, he picked me up around the ribs. My legs were still pretty much limp at the moment, and I just kept hugging him. He carried me over towards the bed, and just sat me down.
I pulled away from him when I was sat down, still crying, but trying my best to stop. I cleared my throat and used the collar of my shirt to wipe away my tears.
"I...I'm sorry about all that..." I told him, clearing my throat again as I spoke. He just nodded a little, before sitting beside me.
"...We need to talk..." He repeated one more time, and...well...between his somewhat calm gaze, and this whole...situation I had put myself in...I nodded a little.
I knew the question I wanted ask, and looked down at my thighs, trying to calm myself down. He didn't say a word, he didn't even make a noise. He just sat there beside me, letting me calm down on my own time, without any interference.
With him being suddenly so calm...I had no choice...the question pretty much just slipped out of my mouth.
"...Were you abused?" I asked him simply, which shocked not only him, but myself as well. I kept staring at my thighs after I asked, a tear or two leaving my eye after it.
'...why do you want to know?" He asked, not denying it, but not confirming it either. I closed my eyes, and slowly looked back over at him, my eyes glassy again, and not even wanting to continue.
"I-It...A-A lot would make sense...if that were the case, I mean...your aversion to real fights...your reflexes...the...panic attacks..." I explained, remembering what I had done to him at multiple points already. He stared at me with an almost terrified look on his face, like a cornered animal, before looking down at his own knees.
"...I...I've never said it out loud before..." He told me, which was already a good indicator as to the answer. I still held out hope though, that he was just kidding or something. He took a deep breath and looked at me with that same look on his face.
"...Yes." He told me sternly, which immediately buckle, hunching forward and sobbing again, feeling my tears almost drench my hands.
Surprisingly, I felt him try to hug me again, so I immediately pulled away from his embrace, shooting to my feet and turning to face him.
"No! No I don't...After everything...after everything I've done to you, how could you ever hug me? I probably just...remind you of the person who did this to you..." I told him, immediately lowering my voice after realising I was shouting. He looked down again, not sure what to say after that.
We were silent for a moment after my question. He was just staring at his legs, while I...contemplated everything I had ever done to him.
Then...surprisingly...he told me everything...
"...My mother and father met in a casino. My mother was reasonably young, about 22, and my dad...wasn't...my mother was there with a few of her friends, to celebrate a 23rd or something, and my father...was alone..." He explained, still staring at his knees. I slowly sat down beside him, not sure where this was going, but assuming it was the story of his abuse.
"They met and talked for a while...they had a few drinks and...eventually...conceived me." He continued, never once taking his eyes off of his knees. I scooted even closer to him, just wondering where this was going to go, as more tears fell from my eyes.
"...But while my mother was pregnant...my father's scam became pretty clear...he stole every dollar she had...once she was about 8 and a half months along, and completely broke...he left...never to be seen again...I have no idea how many brothers and sisters I have, or how many times he's done this..." He explained, which only broke my heart even more, making me cry further. No one deserved that treatment, to have your money stolen by the father of your unborn child, then for him to leave before the kid is even born? Fucking scum.
"...After I was born...my mother couldn't even look at me...I just reminded her of everything my father had done to her..." He explained, a tear or two leaving his own eyes as he spoke with surprising clarity and calmness. I raised my hands to my mouth, knowing what was coming.
"...One day...she just seemed to think...'What if I let my anger out on him?'." He asked, which was the first time his voice broke this entire time, while saying...THAT line. More tears left my eyes, rolling down my knuckles as they did.
"...it lasted until I was 6 years old...Then...a neighbour called the police...she was arrested...and I was immediately put into the foster system, where I learned...a lot...like the cleanliness and the...reflexes..." He finished, still staring at his knees, speaking heartbreakingly quietly.
It broke my heart even more, not only to hear the full story, but also...that I had essentially been bullying a 6 year victim of child abuse, and a former foster kid.
"I-I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm so so sorry..." I kept apologizing, as tears rolled down to my chest and even landed on my legs. He kept staring at his legs, sort of just listening to my sobs, before looking right at me, his glassy red eyes piercing my soul.
"...How could you have known?" He asked me, so I immediately looked away, not quite sure how to answer it. I looked forward at the wall, before just nodding, and being honest.
"...Seth said something...2 weeks ago...he sort of...guessed it..." I explained to him, using my softest voice possible to do so. But...the last thing I expected to hear from him in that moment...was a chuckle.
But that's exactly what he did. He chuckled a little and looked over to his left, at the window. I looked right at him again, just shocked that he could...laugh after all that.
"You...You laughed?" I asked him in my shock. He looked back at me, so I immediately turned around to face him.
"H...How...The pain...the heartbreak...after everything you've been through...how can you smile? How can you laugh, how can you flirt, how can you joke around, how can you FORGIVE ME!!?" I shouted in the end, not even sure what was coming out at some point. He just looked down again, not answering the question at all.
He turned his head away from me, not that I could blame him. But...I scooted closer, putting my hands on the sheets between us.
"...C...Can I ask a question?" I asked simply. He didn't look at me, but he just nodded a little. I took a moment, breathing in deeply to steel myself. I could smell my tears all over my face, but...I had to keep going...keep...pressing.
"...Does it still hurt? All these years later?" I shakily asked, not even sure what kind of answer I was looking for. He didn't even move in the slightest, still just looking down.
"...Every day..." He admitted, his voice shaking again. I could feel everything inside me buckle at that. I know I didn't know what to expect, but it wasn't that. But...I just kept pressing on.
"Then How? How can you walk around, smiling, laughing, flirting, how can you do it all with all of this pain inside, carrying it alone, with no one to help you?" I asked him, even more tears leaving my eyes as I asked the question. He hesitated, still staring at the same spot, before looking into my soul, and...just...shattering it.
"...because I Choose Happiness. Every night in my sleep, I have nightmares from what my mother did to me, and every day, I struggle to not just break down and curl up just like I did back then. But every morning, I choose to be happy, and not let it control me anymore. I deserve to be happy, despite my pain." He told me, staring into my eyes and speaking with a sincerity I hadn't heard from him before.
I could only cry even more at that, leaning forward and covering my face with both hands. I felt like I didn't deserve to be around him because of that. Because of how I handled my own pain, which is much less significant than his, I felt like I had no right to be forgiven.
"...can I ask a question?" He asked me in a soft tone, as I could still feel his eyes on the side of my head. I slowly removed my hands from my face, looking right at him as well, before just nodding.
"If you had an idea of what I had been through...then why did you go back to hating me after I tried to ask you out? It just...doesn't make sense to me." He asked me, looking away for just a moment to shrug at the 'doesn't'. I looked away as well, letting my tears try to cease, but...as I thought of my answer, they only got worse, and I looked down at my own legs again.
"I-I...I was...scared..." I said vaguely, not sure if I wanted to explain the full thing to him. He tilted his head though, clearly curious through his emotional state. I closed my eyes, and knew I wasn't getting out of this without an explanation, so...
"...B...Becky, Charlotte, even Sasha...they...they all told me I was falling for you, and it...it...terrified me...After how my engagement ended, I never thought I would open my heart up to anyone ever again..." I explained to him, knowing I wasn't done. He didn't even move in the slightest, just watching and listening to me.
"...When you tried to ask me out last week, I felt this...joy I haven't felt in a long time, and it...scared me so much...I went back to bullying you...I needed you to hate me, because I was too scared of you loving me..." I told him, closing my eyes at the end, not wanting to see his reaction.
Silence was between us again for a solid few moments. I was surprised when I felt his hand slip into mine though, so I opened my eyes again and looked at him, to see him smiling at me a little. Maybe him smiling broke my heart even more than my own story, but...I just...stared, feeling tears leak out onto my cheeks.
"...Bayley...you deserve to be happy as well..." He told me with that same smile, a couple tears leaving his own eyes. I widened my own in confusion, before just shaking my head in confusion.
"W...What?" Was all I asked, not sure if I could muster any other feeling than confusion at the moment. He looked away for only a split second, before back to me.
"You can feel love again...you don't have to be scared...I'll be right here with you, right by your side, holding your hand when you need...you can Choose Happiness..." He told me, holding my hand tightly the whole while.
Looking into his eyes as he told me this moved me more than anything I had ever felt before. It felt like my...bitchy, bully side got completely washed away in the tidal wave of his emotions...
Choose Happiness...
"...I choose you." I told him, slipping my hand out from his and grabbing his cheeks with both hands, gently pulling him into a kiss. He kissed back right away, and...all I felt was the passion in his soul, the love he had for life after all of his experiences.
There was no tongue, no feeling each other, no debts, no hate, just...him and me.
I pulled away from him with a little shudder, my eyes still closed, before taking a few deep breaths and fluttering my eyes open, looking into his eyes. He looked into mine as well, just waiting for me to say something, like he had almost this whole time.
"I...I love you, Adam..." I confessed, admitting everything to him in just 4 words. He smiled a little, and rested his forehead against mine, reaching his hands up to the sides of my neck, caressing my cheeks with his thumbs.
"...I love you too, Bayley..." He told me, essentially enabling my next move, as I pulled him into another kiss. He kissed back right away again, still caressing one of my cheeks with his thumb, while I just kept kissing.
After a few moments of our kiss, I pulled away again, breathing heavily from the overwhelming feeling of satisfaction. I looked into his hopeful eyes again, before looking down at his lap.
"I-I...I don't want us to have sex yet...this is special, and we've done that twice before...so...can we maybe just...cuddle tonight? Please?" I asked him, not sure what he would say. I never for a moment thought he was a man-whore or anything like that, but...part of me just wasn't sure.
But, he smiled widely and nodded, giving me a quick kiss again.
"Of course...if you don't want that, then neither do I." He explained to me, so I took a deep breath and smiled too, nearly kissing him again.
"Thank you..." I told him with a big grin, once again leaning forward and pecking his lips. He smiled at that too, before tapping my side.
We both laid down on the bed together, smiling the whole time, as we both slipped underneath the covers, still just holding one another closely.
"...And...Thank you..." I told him again, softly this time. He tilted his head though, not sure what I was thanking him for.
"...What for?" He asked for clarity, so I smiled even wider, shuffling closer to him.
"...For helping me choose Happiness." I told him, looking up into his eyes. He chuckled a little bit, before we both leaned in and kissed again.
"...come on...it's been a big day..." He told me, still smiling the whole time. I nodded a little, before resting my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He rested his head on top of mine, breathing softly while drifting off.
And, after a few moments, I could feel myself drifting off to sleep as well.
...Choose Happiness...