"What's going on?" Kit asks. "Are you okay?"
"I'm on suspension."
"What? Why?"
"I'm not sure, I ... Can I use your laptop?"
"Of course. In the meantime, sit on the couch. You look super pale."
I sit down on her new couch and sink into the cushions. What could possibly have happened on a weekend when I didn't even check my email to put me on suspension?
Kit brings me her laptop and I log into my work email. There are two other emails from Tabitha. I open the first one, which is in response to the list of rom-com titles that I sent her on Friday as I was leaving the office.
Is this a joke? She wrote. Because it's not funny.
Okay, she didn't think my titles were funny. But why am I on suspension?
I open the second email.
Chloe,
I have just been informed that this completely inappropriate list has been sent to the entire company. As such, I am consulting HR on next steps.
Oh, shit, what?
I go into my sent emails and find the email I sent. It was the last thing I did before I left the office on Friday. I open it and I immediately see the problem. Somehow, instead of sending it to Tabitha, I sent it to To-All, which is a function in our server that sends an email to everyone in the office. The email program autofills email addresses once you start typing the first letter, and this had happened to other people before, but never to me.
Not until Friday apparently.
But what was the problem? No one else had been put on administrative leave for doing it. Usually, it had just led to a round of funny emails that continued into someone higher up told us all to go back to work, but it wasn't anything serious or problematic.
Why was I in trouble?
And then it hits me.
I couldn't have.
I click on the attachment to my email To-All and open it. It's the list of porny titles I was supposed to send to Kit. Instead of the rom-com titles I'd made for Tabitha, I'd sent the list to the entire office including the president of the company.
Oh, shit.
Oh, no.
"I'm going to get fired."
"Why?" Kit says, sitting next to me.
I show Kit the email and its attachment. Her eyes go wide when she sees the list. The title at the top is GO DOWN ON ME. It gets worse from there.
"How did that happen?"
I lean back on the couch, feeling dizzy. "I was so frazzled on Friday. And I was doing too many things at the same time. I rushed out and sent it without checking. I am so screwed."
"I'm sure you can just explain to her what happened."
"Maybe," I say but I doubt it. Not only does it look like I didn't do the work I was supposed to, but it also means I was screwing around at the office rather than doing what I was supposed to be doing. And the president of the company is a super conservative sixty-something guy that reminds me of my dad. No way he is going to be okay with this.
Kit pulls me into her arms. "It's going to be okay."
"What am I going to do if I get fired?"
"You'll be all right."
"I can't afford to stay here long if I don't have a job."
"You'd go back to Cincy?"
"Ugh. I don't want to. I had this massive fight with my mother."
"You can always stay here," John says. He's wearing shorts and a T-shirt and holding a wrench. I'm not sure what that has to do with fixing the air-conditioning, but now is not the time to ask.
"That's sweet."
Kit smiles at him. "He means it. We have two bedrooms."
"That's so nice, you guys."
"I bet you could stay at Ben's too."
My stomach tightens into a knot. "I don't know. I ... That's a lot for the beginning of a relationship." I stand up. "I think I need to go. I need to try to call or write to Tabitha and fix this."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Thank you. But I've got to handle this."
"Okay, but don't be afraid to reach out for help if you need to."
"I won't."
I hug her again and then stand and give John a hug too. "I forgot to say last night that if you hurt her I'll kill you."
"I've always understood that."
"Good."
"You're always welcome here."
I feel like I'm on the verge of tears and I need to get out of here. "Thank you. I love you, guys."
I don't wait for the echoing response. I know I'm loved here, and they don't have to prove it.
I get outside in the hall clutching my phone. I need to call Tabitha, but I don't have her cell phone number. An email will have to do.
Hi Tabitha,
I am so sorry for the delay in my response. I've been tied up all weekend and didn't have any reason to think that I should be checking my work emails. I've just now learned that I accidentally sent a joke list that I was making for my friend who is getting married to you and the rest of the staff at BookBox by accident. I did do the actual list which I will send you when I return to my apartment. I have no excuses for how this happened other than to say that it was obviously in error and I am so sorry for any embarrassment or other issues that it might've caused you or the other employees. I am happy to send a general apology to the company if you think that's appropriate. I love my job at BookBox, and don't want to do anything to jeopardize it. Would it be possible to come in and talk this through?
Again, I am so sorry this happened.
Regards,
Chloe
I read it over three times to make sure there are no typos and that it's addressed to Tabitha alone, and then send it.
By the time I'm outside in the heat of the day, Tabitha has already responded.
Chloe,
I will discuss this with HR but for now, the suspension stands. I have forwarded your email to the President and will discuss it with him this week. I understand that mistakes happen, but you've been distracted at work, and coupled with the "missing campaign" that you ran without permission, I believe we have grounds to terminate you. This is not a decision that I take lightly, but I need to be able to trust my team and that trust has been violated. I suggest you take this week to think seriously about the choices you've been making lately.
Tabitha
I lean against the building, winded, my mind whirling.
I'm going to get fired.
I'm going to get fired and the thing is?
I understand why. Tabitha is right. I haven't been thinking straight.
Not since I met Ben.
"Can we talk about this?" Ben asks four hours later.
After I settled myself down by walking for hours, I texted him and then went to his apartment to collect the few things I've left behind and to tell him face-to-face that I can't be in this relationship right now. He greeted me with a big hug and a bigger smile, and it feels like someone is squeezing my heart so hard it's going to burst.
"I can't right now, okay, Ben? My life is falling apart."
"I understand, I do. But running away from me isn't the way to fix it."
"No?"
"No."
I turn around. Ben's face is maybe going to kill me. "It's just not a good time for me, Ben. I thought you'd understand that."
"Of course I do. But you taught me that it's not about the timing, it's about the person."
This stops me. How can it not? "I ... I don't know about that. I have to be realistic with my life right now."
"What does that mean?"
"My life is a mess ever since I met you. I'm making stupid decisions. That whole 'Missing' campaign I did. I didn't even get permission to do that. That's not like me. And it's not like me to make mistakes at work. I'm going to get fired, Ben. Fired."
"I'm so sorry for anything I contributed to that. Please, let me help you."
"I think ... I think I have to help myself."
"And that means moving on from me?"
"Yeah, unfortunately, I think it does."
Ben takes my hands in his, and I feel it, that attraction between us that's been there from the beginning. "Do you think this happens every day?"
"I ..."
"It doesn't. You know it doesn't."
I pull my hands away. "That's just attraction, Ben. Pheromones. It doesn't mean anything more than that at this point. I was stupid for thinking that it does."
Ben flinches but moves closer to me. He takes my hands. "No, Chloe, no. This is what I was hoping I had with Rachel all those years. I know the difference. I get that the timing isn't right, or doesn't feel right. Of course, I do. But what I realized was that you can't wait for the right moment to come along. Because life isn't like that. You have to make the moment."
"I'm not sure I believe that."
"What about the fact that we kept being pulled back together? We both tried to walk away but it didn't work."
"That's just the Venn diagram."
"The what?"
"The law of averages. Like how you hear a word for the first time and then you see it everywhere. We don't live that far away from one another. We probably passed each other a bunch of times before and never noticed. It was only because I was looking for you that it felt like it was some big life-meaning coincidence when we ran into each other."
"I don't believe that." He takes my hand again and puts it to his heart. I can feel his heart beating as mine's breaking. "I know you feel what I feel."
"It doesn't matter what I feel."
"Of course it does. That's the only thing that matters."
I pull my hand away gently. "No, Ben. I'm sorry, but no. We aren't in a rom-com. The universe is not putting us together for a reason. Relationships that start with trust issues don't magically work out."
"You don't trust me?"
"I don't trust myself. Not with you."
His hands fall to his sides. "What can I do?"
"There isn't anything either of us can do. It's just the way it is."
"There must be something."
"Okay, there is."
"What? Name it."
"Let me go. I ... This is so hard for me already. You don't even know how hard. Please just let me walk away." My throat feels tight and I have to get out of here or I'm going to start crying.
He takes a step back. "This isn't what I want."
"I know and I'm sorry. I wish things could be different, but they just aren't. Please don't make this any harder than it already is."
"Okay, Chloe."
I reach up and kiss him quickly on his cheek, then I bolt for the door before I change my mind and stay.