SERENITY PAYTON
"Are you still in love with Donte?" Jaren asked, not breaking eye contact with me.
The look in his eyes was almost dangerous; it was like he knew the answer...he knew the truth, but this was the final test.
I could see it in his eyes that he was hoping that I said no; so that I could pick him over Donte once and for all, but then...there was a part of him that knew that I wasn't going to pick him, and he was choosing to shove that part of him aside.
I wasn't going to tell him what it was that he wanted to hear...I was going to tell him the truth. Which is exactly what he needed to hear. He deserved to know...he didn't need for me to keep leading him on and selling him a lie.
Most importantly, I didn't even want to be in a relationship anymore. I needed to be for myself, my career, and my son.
I needed to focus on myself and better myself for the greater good; and I couldn't keep depending on others for my happiness!
My happiness should be my happiness and it should be genuine...not forced or dependent on someone or anyone else but me, myself, and my son.
"Yes, I am..." I mumbled, finally meeting Jaren's eye.
Jaren looked as if I had slapped him and laughed in disbelief, shaking his head slightly, his eyes forming into slits. "Are you kidding me?"
"No..." I shook my head and pushed my hair from my face. "I'm serious. I know that you want to deny it, but you know that you see it, too, Jaren."
Jaren shook his head as if he was trying to deny it and scoffed, "This is un-fucking-believable..."
"And I owe you an apology as well," I admitted, trying my hardest to start crying. "I shouldn't have even...continued to lead you on for this long. You didn't deserve that.."
"Serenity just stop—."
"...And I hope that one day you can forgive me for what I've done; and if you would like, you can keep seeing Landon. I know you love him and see him as your son."
Jaren looked at me with the most blank stare known to man, but it was something in his eyes that told me that he didn't hate me, he damn sure didn't trust me, but he didn't hate me.
"I wanna be mad at you..." he said, his voice cracking as if he were holding tears back.
"I really, really want to be mad at you, but I can't...because I knew that some part of you was still all about him, but I stayed with you, because I thought I could change your mind. So I guess that's on me, right?"
I didn't answer him. I felt like if I had answered him, that it would only make things worse and make him feel bad; and I had already made him feel bad enough about himself.
I also didn't know what the hell to say to that...was there even a right answer to that question?
"I...I don't know what to say," I mumbled, fiddling with my fingers like a little kid who had just gotten scolded. "I just...I'm sorry that I made you feel like you had to fight for your love.."
Jaren smiled slightly and shook his head. "Stop apologizing. I knew what I was getting into. I'm just...I wish shit was different, Rini. I really do."
I didn't say anything to that either, because I didn't wish anything was different. Leaving Jaren was my first step into bettering myself.
I had to let go; and that's what I was doing. As bad as I felt, I didn't need to keep this conversation going; it had to end...just like Jaren and I.
I knew that I couldn't stop at letting go when it came to Jaren, I had to let go of every single thing that was holding me back from reaching my goal towards genuine happiness—including Donte.
"Bye, Serenity...I truly hope you find happiness." Jaren finally said after several antagonizing moments of dead, awkward silence.
Jaren shut the ring box and slipped it into his pocket, he then gave me one last smile and walked out of the front door, shutting it behind him.
And just like that, he was gone.
Suddenly, a wave of emotions washed over me like a tsunami and a single tear fell down my face, but it wasn't out of sadness or guilt of having to let go of him...it was because for the first time in a long time, I felt free.
Like I was finally doing something that benefits me, and not the people around me.
I let out a deep sigh of relief as a genuine smile spread across my face and walked over to Landon who was still sound asleep on the couch and carefully sat beside him, just watching him as he smiled in his sleep.
...Until my phone rang.
Confused, I picked up my phone, looking at the Caller ID and saw that it was Jayson calling me, which added further into my confusion. Of course, I answered it and placed the phone to my ear.
"Hello?" I said, the confusion in my tone was evident.
"Hi, Rini!"
A wide smile spread across my face hearing Deuce's voice come through the phone. I hadn't seen Deuce in a year, and I wasn't going to lie, I missed him a lot. In the short span of time that I knew him, he became a vital part in my life despite me and his father's differences.
"Hi, Deucey! How are you?" I asked happily.
"Good!" He said proudly. "Daddy and I are back in San Francisco, and I really wanna see you! Daddy wants to see you, too.."
I smirked in surprise. "Oh really? Well, that would be nice. When do you wanna see me?"
"Umm..." Deuce paused to think. "Actually! Can I come to work with you and Landon? I miss my little brother..."
"Your little brother?" I asked, amused.
"Yeah! Landon, duh, Rini!" Deuce giggled.
Laughing, I nodded and smiled widely. "Landon misses you, too, Deucey. Let me know what day is good for you, and I'll make it happen. We can do whatever you want.."
"Really? Cool!" Deuce exclaimed.
I had opened my mouth to say something else when Deuce told me that he had to go because he and Jayson were about to go meet Ella inside of a restaurant. We both said goodbye and ended the phone call.
After the phone call, I decided that it was time that I took some time off for myself and allow myself to clear out anything from my past that I was still holding onto.
But before doing that, I gently picked Landon up from off of the couch and placed him inside of his crib, turning the baby monitor on so that I would be able to hear and see anything that was going on.
My first step to focusing on myself started with cleansing and getting rid of things that held memories that I should be letting go of, or at least trying to let go of.
People think that letting go means forgetting, but that isn't always the case; I wasn't trying to forget...I am simply moving forward in my life. So, if I had to let go of certain things that held memories that were only holding me back, I had to get rid of them. Gladly.
So, I began with going into my closet and grabbing the box that I kept in the back shelf that was hidden behind a rack of my jackets. I had filled this box with memoirs and things that held significance to me and a certain period and time within my life that I figured I'd want forever...
"Okay..." I whispered to myself. "You can do this...it's just getting rid of things."
Taking a deep breath, I opened the box and as soon as I looked inside, seeing the contents within the box, I instantly teared up as the memories from every item I laid my eyes on flooded my brain like a tsunami.
Why?
Because every item in this box...every memory that made these items have so much importance in my life and in my heart, were made with Donte.
Each and every one...
<>
GARY PAYTON II
"She still not answering?" I asked Jordan as we stood at the front door of Serenity's house.
Jordan shook his head, bringing the phone down from his ear. "Nope. This the fourth time we called and she didn't answer."
"She don't ever sleep that fucking hard." Amour commented, bouncing her knee up and down impatiently.
"Exactly," Asia said, shaking her head. "There must be something wrong."
"Maybe her phone died..." Les suggested.
I shook my head. "Nah. Rin never lets her phone die. It's against her beliefs."
"Why don't y'all just use the key that's underneath the potted plant?" Angel asked as she sipped her Chick-fil-A milkshake.
We all turned around, looking at her in absolute disbelief while she stood there with an unphased look on her face. "What?" she asked.
"You knew about the key this entire time...and didn't say shit to us?" Maria exclaimed.
"Yep." Angel responded.
Klay shook his head. "Why?? We could've been inside by now!"
Angel shrugged. "That's breaking and entering, and I figured, she'd answer the door by now..."
I took a deep breath and turned to Jordan, pointing to Angel. "Get your girlfriend man."
"What I do?" Angel asked, genuine confusion in her tone.
Ignoring her, I knelt down, moving the potted plant to the side and picked up the key. I then opened the door, allowing for all of us to walk inside seeing nothing out of the ordinary.
The only thing out of the ordinary was not seeing Serenity or Landon anywhere. Like, they were nowhere to be found...
"Where the fuck are they?" Jordan mumbled in confusion.
We all started looking around the house, taking different rooms and areas. While everyone else went wherever they went, I had the big idea to walk into her office and look around.
When I saw that she wasn't inside of the office, I had begun to walk out, until I saw an open notebook on top of her desk that grabbed my attention. Scrunching up my face, I walked up to the desk and picked up the notebook.
"Maybe I shouldn't be reading this..." I mumbled to myself, remembering what happened the last time Rini caught me doing something like this.
After having an internal debate with myself, I decided to go with my gut and read what was written. Taking a deep breath, I began reading and as soon as I did, I knew that there was a reason why I was led to see this.
This was serious.
It was like Rini was writing a letter to herself, as if she were journaling about something that had happened in her life—and it was bad. Bad and recent; and by "recent", I mean a few days before Landon's birthday.
She was asking herself what would happen in different scenarios where she had tried to, I guess, commit suicide or self harm, and then at the end of the page, it was as if she was panicking, constantly writing the words "you're alive" over and over again as if she were trying to convince herself.
What the hell was Rini actually going through?
"Found her!" I heard Asia call out from upstairs.
I tucked the notebook to my side, walking out of the office, and jogged up the stairs walking into Serenity's bedroom, seeing everyone standing inside of the walk-in closet.
Serenity was sitting away from a cardboard box that was full of items that she had collected while she was dating Donte. She had the box a good distance away from her and looked as if she had been crying and having a mini panic attack at the same time.
"Rini, what's wrong?" Asia asked.
"How...am I supposed to heal when every single thing around me, reminds me of him!" She asked, looking up at us as if she were miserable.
"Well, you can't force yourself to heal, Rin." Klay said, matter-of-factly. "You try to force yourself to heal when it comes naturally with time."
"You need to actually allow yourself to breathe and heal," Maria said.
Jordan nodded. "You can't just use other people to try and get over Donte and try to heal yourself because in the end you're hurting yourself, others and even Donte."
Serenity shook her head. "Donte doesn't give a fuck about me anymore, so don't speak on how I hurt him."
"Now what the fuck gave you that insane idea that he doesn't care about you?" Amour asked.
Serenity sighed. "You saw what happened on the boat. He...how do you admit something like that to someone and then just...cut them off completely?"
"Okay, Rini, but that doesn't mean—." I began.
"It doesn't matter." She said, snapping her head up to look at me. "It's done. He didn't even know that I was going to say no to Jaren. He just assumed I was going to run off with Jaren and leave him behind, when I wasn't."
Wait what?
"Typical Donte," Serenity continued. "Always giving up when there's nothing to give up on..."
Jordan shook his head. "Time out...what did you tell Jaren no to?"
"Yeah," I mumbled. "That's where I was lost at, too."
Serenity looked between all of us. "Wait, he didn't...he didn't call y'all and ask for your permission or input?"
I shook my head. "No, ask us what?"
"When I came back from home the boat, Jaren was here and he asked me to marry him."
Oh hell no!
~
END OF CH. 08
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