"Hey," Jack says. "Great speech."
I look over his shoulder for Ben, but he's not here. It was Jack all along. "Thanks."
"How are you?" He's wearing a suit jacket and chinos and looks oddly formal, but nice. That's Jack. He's nice. Why can't I be more attracted to nice?
"I'm good." I feel a bit woozy, actually, but he doesn't need to know that. "You?"
"I'm all right. Work has been a bit nuts. How is Kit holding up?"
"She's fine. I mean, she's good. She's having fun tonight at least." I glance over at Kit and John, who are still wrapped up in each other. Kit is glowing and John's almost glowing too. Kit raises her glass at me and mouths I love you.
"That's good."
I bring my attention back to Jack. "She'll find something."
"I'm sure. It's hard out there, though."
"I think she'll be okay. I hope so, anyway."
"I'm sure she will." He looks around the room. "Nice space."
"Yep."
"You organized this?"
"Ben did."
"Oh, where is he tonight?" He searches around him, like he might find his almost doppelganger and recognize him in the crowd.
"He's not here. He had a family emergency."
"Ah."
"You think it's bullshit?"
"I didn't say that."
"But you thought it."
He cocks his head to the side. "You don't know what I thought."
"You're jealous."
Jack puts his hand on my shoulder. "I care about you, Chloe."
"Ben cares about me."
"You say so."
I shrug his hand off. "You don't know him."
"All I know is what you've told me about him. And based on that, he doesn't sound like someone who can be trusted."
"That's a big leap."
"You'll see."
"What does that mean? You can predict the future?"
"I just don't think he's going to make you happy."
"You've made that clear."
"You're mad?"
I cross my arms. "Wouldn't you be in my situation?"
"I'm just looking out for you."
"Well, don't, okay, Jack? I don't need you to do that." I step away from him. "See you around."
I walk away, not sure where I'm going. I meant to go to Kit and John and congratulate them again, but instead, I feel aimless. This room is full of landmines—Jack, my parents, even Lianne. They all mean well, but there's only one person I want to talk to right now.
Ben.
And now, the air in the room feels like it's too much. All the expelled breath of the laughter and talking and congratulations, mixed with the drinks I had. I need to get out of here.
I put my glass down and head for the exit.
I don't bother saying goodbye to Kit because I'm planning on coming back. I just need to be somewhere else for a few minutes.
I stumble down the stairs and out into the night. I push open the door at the bottom of the stairs, then let it click shut behind me. It's after nine, and the street is mostly empty. There's a homeless man up the block talking to the sky, and a couple on the other side of the street, walking close together, laughing at some inside joke.
Other than that, I'm alone. And now that I'm out here, I don't know what I'm doing. I should call an Uber and go home. Kit will understand.
But, shit. I forgot my purse upstairs. Fantastic. The thought of going back upstairs and having to go through all the goodbyes I want to avoid is exhausting.
I've got my phone in my pocket though. That's enough for me to Uber. I even have a spare key hidden in a small, locked box above my doorframe that I can open with my phone. I can get the purse back tomorrow.
I just wish I knew where Ben was and if he was coming to the party. It would be just like me life for me to leave and for him to arrive moments later.
I take out my phone and go to Facebook, hoping for a message, but there isn't one, which I knew because I didn't have any notifications. He probably won't see this but what do I have to lose at this point?
Hope you're okay.
I wait, watching for the little bubble that shows that he's read it. But nothing appears.
He doesn't have his notifications on. He told me that. And I still don't have his phone number.
I don't even know how that happened. We said we were going to do it the other night, and then we'd get distracted and somehow it did become a joke between us, both of us withholding for some stupid reason that I can't grasp onto right now, but I'm so sick of this. It's not some fun game anymore. I can't be dating someone I can't get in touch with.
"Fuck!" I smack my hand against the wall and instantly regret it. That shit hurts.
"Whoa."
I turn around. Ben's standing there looking rumpled. He's wearing what he left the apartment in this morning—a pair of blue dockers and a polo shirt, but it looks like he slept in his clothes and his hair is a bit wild.
"Ben."
"It's me."
"Where were you?"
"Didn't Brian give you the note?"
"Yeah, but that was hours ago."
"I'm sorry. I should've messaged you."
"You don't have my number." I say this and I start to cry.
Ben takes me in his arms. "Hey, hey. No. I'm so sorry. I'm giving it to you right now." He takes my phone out of my hand and opens his contact. He corrects his number and sends me a message. My phone pings! "All fixed."
But it's not. "I ... How's your mom?"
"She's ... She's okay, I think. It was a rough afternoon, but then she bounced back a couple of hours ago. That happens sometimes at the end ... but the treatment might have worked. The doctors don't know what's happening."
"I'm sorry. I hope it's the latter, of course."
"It's rough. But I should've messaged you. I'll do better next time."
"Okay."
He tightens his arms around me. "I missed your speech."
"You did."
"I didn't want that."
"I know."
"What are you doing out here?"
"I don't know ... It was ... too much inside."
He pulls me even closer, and I want to resist, but I can't. It feels too good to have him here, finally, to be in his arms, and my mind is a mess. I can't make any decisions right now.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here. Is your hand okay?"
"It's fine. You had to be with your mom."
"I did."
"So, that's just the way it is."
He tucks his chin onto my shoulder. "I'm going to do better."
"Okay."
"Are you mad?"
I take a step back and untangle myself from him. "I'm just sad, Ben. This all seems super complicated and my best friend is getting married and my ex, I mean, not my ex, but someone I dated, thinks I'm acting like an idiot and I don't even have your number."
"Now you do."
"I know, but why the stupid game about it? Why did it have to come to this?"
"I was being stupid. And I was going to give it to you the other night and we got distracted. I ... No excuses. It was dumb, and I'm sorry."
I expel a long, slow breath. "I don't know if this is working out."
"No, Chloe, no. I know it's been a bit rocky, but we can work this out."
"Can we?"
"I think we can."
"Isn't the beginning supposed to be easy? We already have so many issues."
"That's my fault."
"I think it might be both our fault."
He put his hand on my chin to steady me and looks down into my eyes. "Is that what you really want?"
I hesitate. It isn't what I want at all. "I don't, Ben. But I don't see any other way."
"Let me persuade you." He starts to kiss me. As he does, that hard heat between us starts up again, like it's consuming everything about me. Every thought, every objection, everything but the feel of his lips, his hands, his body pressing against mine, filled with need and I'm full too.
He pushes me up against the wall and my hands go to his hair, tangling in the almost curls. He smells a bit antiseptic, reminding me that he's been in a hospital, but something about the sharp tang brings us into sharper focus too. Everything feels heightened, like it all might come to a climax right here on the street corner.
"Let's get out of here," I say.
"What about the party?"
"Kit will understand."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Besides my parents are in there. And Jack ... Let's just go." I tug on his hand and he starts to follow me down the street.
"We're walking?"
"You want to run?"
He laughs and it feels great to hear his happiness. But he doesn't want to run. Instead, he puts up his hand and hails a cab and I'm grateful for that too. I've had too much to drink and I'm not thinking clearly. I'm just going with my feelings, which is something that I don't do that often. Except with Ben. It's been all feeling and zero sense here.
But god it feels good.
###
We spend the rest of the night exploring each other until we fall into a haze of sleep and sex in the early morning. I wake several hours later to wonderful smells coming from the kitchen. I stretch my arms above my head, feeling my body, remembering what Ben and I did last night. The memories feel good, but my head hurts from too much Champagne and too little sleep, and good sex has never solved fundamental problems.
I feel nervous and excited all at once, and part of me wants to hide in this bed all day. But I can't do that. I have to face Ben and whatever it is that we have together.
Also, I'm hungry.
I get up and look at my dress from last night in a pile on the floor. Climbing back into it isn't appealing. Instead, I go to Ben's dresser and take out a T-shirt, and put it on, fighting back the déjà vu of the last time I did this. Rachel is not going to magically appear in this situation again with her judgment and her keys dangling from her finger. I mean, not magically obviously, but also Ben took back her keys and that's that.
I run my fingers through my hair and retrieve my phone. There's a text from Kit.
Where did you get to? She wrote last night. And then: I hope everything is okay.
Ugh, she must be worried about me.
Hi, sorry. I needed some air and then Ben was there and we ended up leaving.
You're alive!
I am.
I thought a monster might have gotten you.
A monster?
That homeless guy on the corner, at the very least.
He was harmless, I write. Did you have fun?
Yeah, it was great. Thank you. And thank Ben.
I should have come to say goodbye.
It's okay. I could see you were struggling.
You could?
Your parents ... I overheard what your mom was saying.
Yeah. Oh shit, they must've been mad.
They weren't happy.
They're never happy. I sigh. Sorry you had to deal with that. I'll call them. Or go see them today. Something.
Sounds like a good idea. I have your purse by the way.
I'd forgotten I'd left it there. Thank God for Kit in more ways than one. Oh great, thank you.
Are you okay now?
Yeah, I'm okay.
So convincing.
Ha, ha. We had a nice night. We'll see. There are ... I'll come over tomorrow? We'll talk face-to-face. I feel like texting is not subtle enough for this conversation.
Sure. Come whenever.
Thank you. And I'm so happy for you.
Your speech was great.
You say so.
Absolutely. I only have a few notes.
Notes?
Room for improvement.
She must be pulling my leg. Why?
For when you do it again at my wedding.
Wait, what?
Have you never been to a wedding?
No!
Never seen one in a movie?
I thought the bride talked. And the dad?
You're a nut.
Says the woman who wants to give me notes on my speech. I spoke from the heart.
I know you did.
"Chloe? You up?"
I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow. And no notes!
She sends an emoji where her bitmoji is blowing a raspberry. I shake my head. "I'm up, hold on a second."
I write a quick text to my mom. Sorry I left last night without saying goodbye. I wasn't feeling well. But I can come see you this afternoon if you like.
Her response is instantaneous. We're at the airport.
Already?
We only came in for the night.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You had too much to drink?
No, I told you, I just wasn't feeling well.
Your uncle was an alcoholic you know.
Oh my God. I don't have a drinking problem. It was a party, I had a few glasses of champagne.
You say so.
Seriously, Mom? Why are you like this?
What does that mean?
I know I'm a disappointment to you, okay? I know you probably wish that it was me that died and not Sarah. But I'm the one that's here. That's not my fault. And I'm doing the best that I can. I wish you could see that.
How dare you say something like that to me.
I'm allowed to talk about her, Mom. We should talk about her. She was my sister, too. We all lost something that day.
I watch as her bubble of reply starts, then stops, the starts and stops again. In the end, no text comes through.
"Chloe?"
"Yeah."
"Why are you crying?"
"Am I?" I reach up and there they are, tears on my cheeks. "I was just texting with my mom." I turn to him and smile. "Always a joyful experience."
"I'm sorry."
"It's all right. It's been a lifetime coming."
"Do you need to go?"
"No, they're at the airport."
"So soon?"
"They only came in for the night, apparently. Though who knows if she was telling me the truth."
"You could go out there."
"To the airport? I don't even know which one."
"You could ask."
"No, Ben. There's no point. It's been like this between us since my sister died. There isn't any way to fix it."
"If you're sure ..."
"I am. Now, is that breakfast I smell?"
He smiles. "Yep."
"Great. I could use something greasy and a million pounds of coffee."
"Luckily, that's exactly what I made."
"Lead the way." I follow him to the kitchen. There are eggs benedict sitting on the table and what looks like freshly squeezed orange juice. The air is pregnant with fresh coffee. "Wow, Ben, this is amazing."
"Hopefully it tastes as good as it looks."
We sit and I cut off a piece of it and put it in my mouth. It's delicious. "It's great, Ben, thank you."
"Should we talk about it?"
"Which part?"
"Any of it."
"I'm sure we should. But for right now, I'd just rather sit here and enjoy the morning."
"You sure."
"Yes."
"And after?"
"I have no plans."
He looks nervous. "Should I be worried?"
"I did agree to see Kit tomorrow, so maybe?"
He laughs as he cuts into his breakfast. "More questions."
"Almost certainly. Plus she apparently has notes on my speech."
"Oh boy."
"Yeah."
"Sorry again about missing it."
"Apparently, you missed nothing."
"I'm sure it was heartfelt."
"Heart something."
My phone pings, and I glance at it.
"You want to check that?"
"No, whatever it is, it can wait."
I should know better than that by now.