"Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depths of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy autumn fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more."
― Alfred Lord Tennyson
//
When a person remembers something, they are not simply rewatching a recording in their brain of what they saw.
Memories do not work like videotapes or pictures, he would know. When a person recalls something, their mind attempts to reconstruct their experience based on perceptions. What a person perceives depends greatly on what they were focused on at the time and even then it is difficult to recall things correctly. Their perception might even be completely wrong.
Witnesses testify based on memory but what they remember might not be the truth but instead what they understand and believe to be true. Humans tend to remember what they understand or what they think they understand.
Because the mind of an infant is still in the process of developing, infants are incapable of understanding complex concepts and ideas. As such, they cannot perceive the same way a mature mind can.
This is the reason people are believed to experience infantile amnesia.
Infantile amnesia is a phenomenon that describes a mature mind's incapability to remember an event that occurred when they had an underdeveloped mind.
He hadn't experienced infantile amnesia before, having been able to recall life from the moment of delivery, so it's odd that he's experiencing any form of it (no matter how short-lived) now. Trauma from rebirth, perhaps? It hadn't, after all, been a pleasurable experience.
Besides the awful, awful memory of being birthed (something he never wanted to experience again, two times was more than enough), his first memory was a lullaby.
Still in the hospital, and slightly disoriented, he could recall the warm sensation of being held, swaying as a man hummed and sang a sweet song to him.
"Bless you," the man went, "baby." *
He rocked, back and forth, back and forth as the melody continued on.
"Welcome to life, full of delight."
Candles were lit and he could remember an air of festivity filling the hospital room with tidings of celebration.
"Bless you, baby," His father sang softly, "This blessing charm keeps you from harm."
And he remembers. He remembers everything.
"Oh my baby, how I love you."
He isn't sure why his consciousness returns to him at that moment, but he is grateful for it nonetheless.
"Goddess bless you," His father strokes loose strands of hair, still singing, "Light of the moon encircle you."
Kusuo falls asleep before he can hear the rest of the lullaby.
//
His new name was Felix, which was Latin for "lucky" or "fortunate".
Slightly incongruous, considering his life, but Kusuo could always enjoy a bit of irony, particularly when directed at himself.
His middle name is Oleander, after his new mother, he thinks. They were poisonous things and he thinks the name suits him quite nicely.
His real name is Kusuo, which means 'Camphor tree.'
The character Kusunoki(楠) referred to an evergreen. The Nama(生) could be interpreted as 'To grow' which in Japanese read as "Sodatsu" but could also be read as "junsei" which meant pure.
His family name was Saiki which meant 'To Cherish' or 'Harvested From the Sea' but was written in a way that meant 'to wish,' or 'to hope'.
He thinks a lot about both of his names. In fact, he thinks a lot in general, because it seemed that the plague that was telepathy would not leave him, even in his second life, and he supposed that an under-stimulated person constantly surrounded by thinking of others would have nothing to think about but thoughts.
This world was one he knew from a time long gone. When he realises where he is, he wants to scream.
Reincarnation was one thing, but this place? This world, this society, this story?
He's sickened at the thought of it, at his role and what the plot, or at least what remained of it, would have him do. He is the twin of the main character in a story that showcased [and to an extent, glorified] a terribly incompetent system in an extremely open way.
His original world wasn't all pure and good either, of course, he wouldn't have worked in human rights if it was. But it was...more stable, he supposed. Less morally reprehensible?
If it were any other world, no matter how fictional, he's confident he could handle it a bit better, but the Wizarding World? In fanfiction, when he still read it daily as a form of escapism during college, people only focused on the magical aspects, on the blood ties and murder and morality, and while he's concerned about that, looking at the way society is built here makes him want to vomit.
He could not afford to be careless in this life, could he?
He was Felix Potter, a character who didn't...shouldn't exist, the brother of The Boy Who Lived, Idolizer of Albus Dumbledore, and the cataclysm for Voldemort's death and defeat. But was at the same time Saiki Kusuo, the one who died all-knowing, the one who died with a humourless smile.
He studied to be a lawyer in his old world, but had dabbled in history and psychology as a hobby. And everything in this world seemed to reflect the same twisted sort of madness the history that his old world had.
Violence was wages, and power was the currency here, with leaders and puppet masters pulling the strings to conduct pointless wars. He had seen the effects of pointless wars in his old world and had witnessed how often countries would tug and pull smaller societies to their whims solely for greed and gain. Had worked personally to defend the cases of countless families [and won, obviously].
He knew his world from before like the back of his hand. He could, and had, changed the system, no matter how small or large that change would be.
That wouldn't work here, or at least not the way he wishes it would. Partially because of societal corruption, and partially because of his lack of knowledge.
And still, that was the crux of his problems. Knowledge. An abundance of it, despite every bit of it coming from fanfiction and whatever discussion boards took his fancy in his free time.
He had read the first few books, and enough fanfiction to understand the plot to an extent. To know what happened and how it ended, but the details, the little intricacies of it all, were lost on him. Too time-consuming for a fandom he barely touched, if at all.
And then he became a lawyer, and time went by, and what little semblance of interest he had fled him in favour of work and baking and babysitting his friends' kids.
His biggest regret at the moment, truly.
He was intricately familiar with death and crime. His job in his past life revolved around the worst aspects humanity could throw at him. And that, combined with a life filled with unwillingly listening to people's most morbid and disturbing thoughts, he liked to think he'd seen it all.
He could unflinchingly stare down the most horrifying criminals the world had seen and was able to push down the disgust and violent shock that hit the moment he genuinely processed everything they had thought, said, and done. He'd heard things that would give people nightmares for years on end, and pushed through as though that was just life.
It isn't a question of whether or not he'll survive, because he will. It's whether or not he's going to do anything about the horrible societal and political conditioning of this world.
Because for goodness sake, he's a Harry Potter character, and the protagonist already had a hard enough time surviving without being screwed over with the morality and knowledge of a human rights lawyer. He had that alongside the infinite knowledge, cynicism, and bitterness that came with being a psychic.
This entire world was a walking human rights violation, a contradiction to most of his morals, the way he thinks, the life he wanted, of his damned job. And if he wants to live here, then he'll have to play by those same rules.
He swallows harshly, ignoring the bile that pools in the bottom of his throat. He barely knows what happens in 'canon'. He hadn't properly read or watched the series, unable to invest in it after reading the first three books, and now he'll pay for that misstep.
But, he is psychic, and more importantly, he is smart. He knows how to cultivate entire realities from nothing. Kusuo is, if nothing else, resourceful.
(he was a wonderful secret keeper, after all, hearing all the stray thoughts and whispers)
And well, if this world wronged him the way he knew it would, he would burn it to the ground, and rebuild a new one from the ashes.
A/N
*This rite of passage song was created for ceremonies to bless newborns. Alane Crowomyn wrote Crow Lullaby for crowsister Shannon. The Crow Women sang it for the wiccaning of Shannon's baby daughter.
Hello, my loves 🙂
It's always interesting [to me] as a Christian to write about characters who belong to (or I interpret as belonging to) different religions and/or lack-there-of.
It's good practice for writing people of different perspectives.
For those of you who are interested in Kusuo-Felix's beliefs, he is, to explain in the simplest of terms, a polytheistic-leaning agnostic. He doesn't actively believe in the truth of any one religion, but he does believe in the existence of some sort of higher power. He is polytheistic (multiple deities) leaning because the two main religions in Japan (Shinto and Folk-Buddhism) are not monotheistic (one God) in the slightest, and because that is what he has grown up surrounded by, it is what he is comfortable with. His philosophy is essentially, "I'll believe what I want."
And while I don't plan on actively on proving the existence of any gods in this fic, though I might have Death be a character, I do think that it would be an active part of Wizarding life, so I will be referencing multiple Olde European deities.
I take canon out back and put it out of my misery.
Anyway, you look gorgeous. You're so un-basic your pH level is almost zero (help, I'm a nerd).
But seriously, the world is so lucky that you exist right now, and I want you to take care of yourself. Remember that you are loved and cared for.
Don't forget to drink water, and get enough sleep.
Have a most wonderful day/night.