Mile wants to be a painting. He wants Apo to look at him the way he's looking at the art. Apo is at an art gallery; Mile would give anything to be on the receiving end of that smile.
He couldn't make it to the March 10 MOCA show because he's training with stuntman and martial artist Kula. But Mile is touched when Apo calls him via Line
and DMs him pictures from the gallery, of the cat and horse paintings he knew Mile would love. Thawan Duchanee's collection is his new favorite, especially the horse painting. It reminds Mile of Apo. There is so much chaotic energy contained within the painting. Mile has said on at least one occasion before that the color which Apo evokes in his mind is a blood red - not stemming from violence, but from boldness and energy. For that matter, he has also said that the animal Apo most resembles his favorite, the horse.
Mile tweets his reaction.
A fan on Twitter asks about the meaning of the art. I'm not sure the exact meaning, but when i first saw it, it gave me a powerful and deep romantic feeling. Art is art, let's imagine... 🌹 Mile replies.
Two days later, Apo asks Mile out to the Made by Legacy flea market in Bangkok, and dinner, so Mile drops everything and joins him.
The dates are becoming more frequent.
Mile knows he should stop calling them that.
•••
Apo has bought Mile a ring.
Mile can only look at him, frozen, his mouth agape.
"Your birthday present," Apo smiles simply. Mile hadn't been expecting one. "Sorry it's two months late. I wanted to make sure you liked it so I put a lot of thought into it."
"Wow," Mile breaths at last. He was expecting clothing. They've been to Siam Square together a couple of times, tried on dozens and dozens of clothes, shoes, and accessories. They know each other's style better than their own.
"I know. I thought you'd like it." Apo places the ring in his hand. "It's one of those customizable ones. You can put whatever you want in it."
Mile throws his arms around the man and pulls him into a fierce hug. He might go insane, but at least Apo is by his side. Even if Apo never knows what he's been going through, Mile wants to keep him close.
It's just hard not to think of the ring as more than it really is when Apo comments the way he does on his Instagram. Mile will treasure the date March 18 like it's his wedding date.
•••
The whirl of press conferences, interviews and galas has begun. They are constantly together, Mile's arm at home around Apo's slim waist. It has been jokingly suggested that Mile get it surgically attached there. Mile loves this waist, ironically one of Apo's biggest insecurities. It's so small he needs his pants custom-tailored to fit it snugly.
Apo was gorgeous with his hair in his eyes and minimal makeup on set, but he is a stunner with his hair and makeup done to the nines. He gets so childishly excited about colored face masks and coordinating them with his bags and outfits that it gives Mile severe cuteness aggression.
Mile himself is more confident than ever. Apo makes sure he knows he looks good. He's probably called Mile handsome a hundred times.
That shirt looks really good on you. Your hair looks perfect. Wow, you're smokin.' It is impossible for you to look bad.
It's due in part to the late birthday gift Mile has given him, a dark green hat he bought five years ago in Japan that was too small to fit his head but which he kept until Apo tried it on and it fit. Apo is over the moon about it. Mile is almost weary. Of course the hat fits him. Of fucking course it does. The way Apo fits into his life like the missing puzzle piece is getting boring, almost too Disney for Mile's taste.
Either way, Apo offers these reassurances freely, and Mile soaks them up, puffs out his chest, and feels ready to take on the world.
The Zokzakdara Special Gala interview on March 27 is one of their biggest events yet. Apo is nervous, still not quite used to the spotlight. He kept Mile up on the phone all night last night. They hold hands in the limo, purely for comfort, and share a little bottle of aromatherapy inhaler oil for stress and anxiety relief. As soon as they arrive on the grounds and the doors open, Apo lets go of Mile's hand.
They are interviewed by two enthusiastic young ladies who are quickly revealed to be their ship captains. When asked about their relationship, Mile speaks frankly.
"I think time will tell how much we get along, more or less, and how far or to what extent we get along, and what stage we reach... It not like one month and we get along perfectly. Get the picture? It's gotta stand the test of time." He looks at Apo for assurance, laughing off his nerves.
"So right now is the getting-to-know-each-other phase, letting time test the relationship?" One interviewer prompts.
"Yes, but we have to say," Apo interjects, "that many times we don't really have to show it in front of others."
Mile nods his agreement. That's an understatement.
"The fact is, I'm a very shy person," he explains. "So if it's something romantic, I like it, I like it a lot; I consume a lot of romance media, but I don't act or show it in public." He clears his throat, wishing he hadn't used the word romantic. He and Apo haven't put a label on what they have. "So I get quite embarrassed having to talk about it..."
They both have the same perspective on love - "we don't need to show it all the time" - and reiterate it several times.
When asked about their outings, Apo deftly deflects with flippant, suave remarks like, "who knows, it might be photoshopped" and "maybe, but that doesn't mean we have to take pictures." In truth, they both prefer to live in the moment, not for social media. It never even crossed Mile's mind to post their private moments for the world. What purpose would that serve? It would be the fastest way to kill this little fledgling thing they have.
Mile is sweating by the end of the interview. He loses track of how many times Apo says, "some things we don't have to show in public." When he adds, "we already know how we feel," Mile wants to scream, but can only nod along. He yearns to interview Apo himself, with the outspoken courage of these journalists, and demand to know what the younger man really feels for him. Because he doesn't know.
"We all have this ability to look across the room at a couple and tell that they're close," Apo explains. "They don't have to kiss to show you they're a couple. It's not like that."
It's enough. This, right here, is enough for Mile. It gives him hope that he hasn't been imagining it all.
Mile loosens his tie after the interview, breathing hard. He expects Apo to complain about the questions, but there's something else on Apo's mind.
"Shit, I don't even sweat that much at the gym-"
"So what the fuck is this river? Is that where you take all your conquests? Huh?" Apo demands to know.
Mile is stunned.
"What?"
"They asked if you'd taken me to the river yet. Where is it and how fucking dare you not take me?"
Mile takes a long hit of the aromatherapy oil.
"I'll take you. I promise. I'll take you, Po."
•••
Mile and Apo shoot Funday in early April.
"The thing is," Mile admits shyly to the camera, "I'm not so good at cooking. I think I need to find a Mae Bahn" - that is, a housekeeper - "to help me cook. Is anyone interested in being my housekeeper?"
"Is a butler okay?" Apo asks, chewing absently on some greens.
"Anything is okay," Mile concedes, somewhat flushed.
Is...Apo testing the waters by casually asking if Mile is open to having boyfriends? Mile is hoping so; that's why he easily answered yes. Then he makes a joke to lighten things - because he can't flirt properly.
They hang out some more in the following days, mostly antiquing. By some unspoken agreement, Mile and Apo continue to refrain from sharing their selfies. Mile treasures one particular picture Apo took of him at the Chatuchak Weekend Market. Apo isn't in the picture but he took it, so Mile tells himself that it qualifies as a couple photo.
Mile hangs out with other people, too, including his exes. But if he and Apo go so much as a day without talking, Mile panics. First he posts throwback couple photos.
Then he swallows his pride, and begs.
Can you check in on Apo? Mile texts Tong. Just make sure he's alive and well. Don't tell him it's me asking.
Again with you lovebirds?!, is Tong's reply. From now one, I charge a fee for every time I have to be the middleman.
A few days later, Mile and Apo are at the Bluetamp cafe enjoying the specialty coffee and all-day brunch. It's a warm and sunny day, perfect for a date, and they enjoy a long walk afterwards just feeding stray cats and talking about life.
He knows now why Apo was upset. The day he posted the throwback, his ex posted a picture from their recent outing together. It was necessary; she works for him and they have a lot to discuss. Someone messaged Apo on social media and tipped him off that she was with Mile. Apo didn't know who she is, but wanted to give Mile some space to spend more time with her. So he went on a meditation retreat, like he always does when dealing with such problems.
Apo was jealous of my attention, Mile realized with glee. Mile sort of anticipated this, which is why he posted the throwback with Apo in the first place, as a reassurance. He explained to Apo that he is still on friendly terms with all his exes.
They hugged, exchanged I love you, mans, and now they're back to being thick as thieves.
On April 23, they leave Filmania after work without telling anyone where they're going, and hit the markets.
And now it's high time Mile takes Apo to the Chao Phraya River. Apo has been all sullen about it.
The Phra Nakhon district is so romantic - especially when flowers are blooming in the spring - a historic destination with splendid architecture. Again, they take pictures, and again they post nothing.
They spend the entire day there. In the morning, they watch the sunrise over the River and all the temples. They sit in a secluded spot under the shade of a tree and talk. Mile and Apo never run out of things to talk about or opinions to share.
At noon, the surrounding architecture is more visible. In addition to vintage items, Mile and Apo love historical buildings. They walk around, Apo bustling with questions like, "when was this place built?" and "oh, can we go there?" Mile loves his childish awe. This is a familiar location for him, but it seems wondrously new when he looks at everything through Apo's eyes. The sun sets in the evening and they end the day enjoying the beautiful view. Mile fantasizes about bringing Apo's parents here someday to make a merit at the Wat Pho or Wat Phra Kaew temple.
They need to film a scene near Wat Arun, so Mile and Apo book a hotel room and make a mini-vacation out of it.
"Let's recreate the KinnPorsche date," Mile proposes, "but better."
They eat at the Tha Arun in Phra Nakhon, a small, cozy restaurant with a laid-back, French ambiance and an extensive view of the Chao Phraya River and Wat Arun temple. Mile knows the resto/bistro owner, Mr. Yo. The mid-May breeze is balmy and light, Apo's eyes shimmering with the reflections of a million city lights in the night.
They see a black cat with green eyes. Cats are Apo's thing, but even Mile is bewitched by this creature. It's beautiful but licks its dick after peeing, which somewhat dampens the mood.
Apo takes a lot of pictures on Mile's phone, some of which Mile posts. Apo himself isn't in them - both men agree it would be too weird - and Mile prefers the element of mystery and intrigue. He knows he and Apo are on the same page about it. Back in April, Apo took him to buy cowboy boots. He snapped one of Mile's best pictures yet and called it a couple picture even though they weren't both in it.
On May 13, Mile dares not to pick up the phone immediately when Apo calls. He regrets that.
They shop at The Decorum in Bangkok and Mile buys everything Apo wants.
Two days later, Apo does something weird.
This is the Filmania underground parking lot that Mile has driven Apo out of countless times.
He probably isn't referring to me, Mile thinks, in order to preserve his sanity. But that alternative isn't very good for his sanity, either.
Two weeks later, they do a News Plus interview wherein Mile talks about the importance of not defining people by their sexuality. Apo talks about the role of Porsche, who likes women but ends up falling in love with a man.
"Because the man is handsome," Mile smirks toothily.
"No, no, no," Apo denies, flustered.
They're asked about how close they are. Apo jokes that fans would probably wish they weren't so close.
A week after that, they're back at the Chatuchak weekend market. Apo is still sulking because Mile declined to join him on a picnic a few days ago - Mile wasn't feeling well - and he manages to guilt-trip Mile into donning a pair of vintage glasses for the camera. Mile is a shy man and even shyer when he knows he looks silly, but Apo's comment of hahahaha cute on the post makes the embarrassment worth it.
Apo jokes that the glasses are as useless as Mile's shirt buttons. The implication is clear.
But, two days ago, a fan told Apo during his livestream to button his shirt or Mile will get possessive, and Apo replied: "if Mile is possessive, that's his problem... Mile is possessive; I'm not."
So Mile looks Apo in the eye and undoes yet another button.
Fans' support for Mile is growing, and he's grateful. Especially because he loves sharing it with Apo.
A brief Phuket vacation a few days later affords Mile the opportunity to learn more about Apo.
Apo is better than cinema. He is a bag of contradictions, hot yet elegant, seductive yet innocent, sweet and rude, wild and baby. He's a hyperactive goofball, and Mile loves his puppy energy. Having one Apo in life is a blessing.
As they lay on the beach, the waves crashing on the shore, Mile stares at the man next to him, a veritable sun, God's favorite, and musters up the courage to say something.
"Apo..." His voice trails off. It's a bit difficult for a man to compliment another man, especially if he's a shy introvert. "I wanted to say...I really like - your...personality. You're...just..."
"I like you too," Apo returns with a kind smile. "You're authentic. I like that."
Mile knows this is a huge compliment coming from Apo. But it isn't entirely true. Mile is not being completely transparent at the moment. He's smiling on the outside but, on the inside, he's screaming. Mile yearns to demand, why are we resisting this pull? We're good together. We're so good. But he's afraid of what Apo will say. We are good. But it's just acting.
Mile doesn't want to ruin things.
•••
Mile is very tired going into the Zoom Dara interview on June 21.
He is presently making light of his near shoulder injury, incurred during the filming of an early action sequence. It involved him and Apo swinging around this way and that under a hailstorm of bullets. Between the gunfire and the warmth of Apo's sweet-smelling body against his chest and the constant swing, swing, swinging around and his lack of experience in the action genre, he got distracted.
"What was it like? Swing, swing, swing?" Nothing escapes Apo's beautiful, dirty mind. Now he's creating ambiguity about which scene Mile is referring to.
"Can you, for once, not..." Mile pleads. Both men laugh. "It was a scene in the first few days of filming, so I couldn't fully concentrate," Mile elaborates.
Apo wiggles his brows suggestively, exasperating Mile. "Even now, I have to use a lot of concentration for this interview!"
When Mile praises his acting, Apo promptly instructs Mile to bow on his lap in thanks.
Apo's playful, flirty attitude is infectious, so Mile rises to the bait.
"I'll do it behind the camera. And don't forget to do it back."
When Apo talks seductively about the skill of holding a gun, Mile is one step ahead of him.
"He's hinting at a strong, provocative subtext," he explains to the laughing interviewer and camerawoman. "I wasn't ready."
"You know, holding the gun..." Apo doesn't know when to quit. "Rolling forwards, backwards, punching..." He thrusts his hips subtly.
"Do you think I should be the good or bad guy here?" Mile asks the crew.
"You teach each other how to punch and fight?" is the next question.
"Yes," Mile responds readily.
"Why don't you sound like you're asking us about boxing?" Apo guffaws.
"He's taught me a lot of techniques..." Mile is desperate to steer the interview back on track.
"Techniques for boxing," Apo interjects suggestively.
"...like holding the guard, because real boxing and pretend boxing are not the..." Delayed understanding sets in. "Oh, man, I'm tired." He's met with a chorus of sympathetic laughs.
Apo spills the details of their unexpected first kiss, throwing Mile under the bus - as well as himself. Mile is shocked by his frankness. Only the little bottle of aromatherapy inhaler oil gets him through.
He makes sure to emphasize: if the kisses turned out good, it's thanks to Mile. That's the only silver lining to his unrequited pining and he'll be goddamned if he doesn't get credit for it.
By the end of the interview, Mile is physically dizzy from trying to keep up. Apo has admitted to getting goosebumps during their kiss, loving Mile's mouth, and being addicted to him.
Mile can only sputter, "what?"
And in case Mile thought he could get a reprieve at home in the silence of his own apartment, Apo makes sure to keep the same energy on Instagram.
And Mile can't get enough of the magnetic man and his bold personality. Whenever he goes out, Apo is the first person he calls to make plans.
Because being around Apo is painful, but Mile has come to love the pain.
His new favorite vintage mirror was purchased with Apo. He looks at it and remembers summer rain, and the smell of Apo's leather jacket in his car. Between that and the records he bought with Apo, reminders of the man are now all over his home.
Most times, they go shopping together. In late June, they film a promo video at the Siam Center, where they shop for rings and clothes and feed each other donuts.
But sometimes they just sit in the car in silence, on their phones. Mile can't believe it but, just looking at Apo, he's never been more entertained. There is no one else in the world Mile would watch for hours on end without getting bored. Apo is in a league of his own, so aesthetically pleasing as he mouths along to Daft Punk's Giorgio by Moroder. He knows the words to every song and music video he likes by heart. Mile thought he was weird about music, but he just hadn't met his kindred spirit yet.
App recently told LIPS magazine his opinion on love, namely that, when you and your partner have a similar living environment, similar way of thinking, similar hobbies and similar likes, your lives will be better. By that logic, Mile is sure that they're soulmates.
•••
Mile takes Apo to a nearby beach hotel in Bangkok, in his boldest move yet.
Mile comes to bed late. There are rumors of a rift between Filmania and the writers; he's stressed. He's been on the phone all day, neglecting Apo.
A good friend and drinking buddy of his, Pond, has been telling him, "that production company you're with isn't going to make it, man." Pond is business-savvy like Mile. He has similar passion, financial power, and most importantly, similar talents. "Listen, if it doesn't work out with Filmania, just call me."
Pond specializes in event management and concerts, not Y-series. But the offer is comforting.
Everyone's been working so hard. Some of the boys are lost, Mile senses. For them, everything hangs in the balance. A person like Apo, especially, deserves better than this crap from Filmania. He deserves success.
Apo is meditating when Mile comes in, still meditating when Mile falls asleep.
Mile has a nightmare. In it, he and Apo walk past each other on campus, heads down, and never meet again - like two ships passing in the night.
Forty minutes later, when he looks around the room in a sleepy, startled daze, Apo is still meditating on the floor.
He's even meditating in the morning when Mile wakes up. At least that's what Mile thinks until he realizes Apo's eyes are open and they're staring at him.
"You sleep like a big, lethargic cat," Apo tells him. Apo loves cats, so Mile reads fondness into his voice that might not be there.
"I'm sorry," he says simply. This isn't how he wanted it to go, and Apo understands.
Apo quickly learns that Mile always has music on. He turns it on in the morning and before bed. He turns it on while he's showering.
Apo takes a shirtless photo of Mile while he's distracted, smiling and nodding along to whatever Apo's rambling about.
The next day, they're back on set.
They post throwback photos from a recent photoshoot in town, after which they went to Bico for lunch,
and enjoy a little friendly date on set for dinner.
Their future together stretches as far into the rose-tinted horizon as Mile's eye can see. Mile is so caught up in prospects of their relationship, he's unprepared for the bad news.
In early July, the writers leave Filmania, citing 'creative differences,' and there are insufficient funds to continue. KinnPorsche is going to be cancelled before a single episode has aired.
This production is Mile's only excuse to touch Apo. It cannot cease. Mile simply won't allow it.
Destiny brought them together, but, sometimes, destiny needs a helping hand.
Apo shows up at Mile's condo with tears in his eyes. Mile has been on the phone all day, pacing the floor of his living room to the point of wearing a hole into the white shag carpet.
Apo tells him his life story. The struggle to become an actor. The struggle to earn acceptance and love from his parents, who feared from the beginning he might not be the straight golden boy they wanted. How he decided to run away, packed a few belongings and sold the rest. He went to America with no prospects, worked as a bus boy and then a cashier, too proud to ask his family for financial help. He tells Mile about how he tried to buy three oranges for a buck because that was the advertised price, but was overcharged and had to stand up for himself. Mile can't let this precious, precious soul down. He just can't.
"I had the right idea, quitting acting," Apo cries, "I shouldn't have come back. It was pointless." This hits Mile where it hurts. He was the one who pulled Apo back into the industry. He knows he has to take responsibility.
"Po," Mile whispers, thumbing tears from the tired man's cheeks. He presses their foreheads together. "Don't cry. I'm going to fix this."
"You can't fix it. It's over."
"It's not over. It's just a new beginning."
"What are you talking about? How can you possibly fix this? All of our work is going down the toilet and there's nothing we can do. It's not fair!"
"There is something I can do, and I've already done it." Nothing brings Mile more joy than to soothe Apo's tears away. "I told you I'm a big-shot in Kalasin, right?"
Apo frowns, teary eyes riveted on Mile.
"Hmm?"
"You've probably heard them call me the city's son..."
Apo stares at him blankly. "Don't worry about it. Just sit back and watch what money can do."