I was dazed as I drove back to my house feeling like I had been kicked in the chest. I had messed up so bad there was no coming back from this. Aiden had made himself very clear and I had no choice but to accept it.
I'd had my chance and I had blown it. It wasn't like I was ready to jump into another relationship but we could have taken it slowly. There had been no need to rush things. Although after seeing Lacey go through surgery and her life hang in the balance, I didn't want to waste time.
When I got into bed that night and stared up the ceiling in the dark, memories of Aiden and I in the janitor's closet made me feel hot all over. I tossed and turned, unable to find a comfortable position to sleep in.
How could I have been so resistant to something for the last few weeks that I wanted now. I didn't want him to be with someone else, I wanted him to be mine. Was it seeing him with someone else that had finally forced me to see what I had been resistant to before? That I wanted him.
And I had royally screwed it up.
He didn't want anything to do with me. The only thing he wanted from me was updates on Lacey. It hurt. Could I really blame him?
I frowned. The guilt of our actions had been eating away at me. It wasn't like I had been out painting the town red and on the prowl for a new boyfriend. I had been struggling to make sense of how I felt about him and why when he was near nothing else mattered.
He had felt it too. He had at least had the guts to face what he felt, unlike me. It had taken seeing him with someone else to scare me into action.
And now what?
Could I really do anything to change things? He didn't want anything to do with me. He was rightfully angry. But that didn't mean I had to accept things.
When I had been indecisive, he had been strong. Now it was my turn to convince him that we had shared something important enough that we owed it to each other to at least explore it. I wasn't going to give up so easily on him or us.
I did not sleep a wink. The emotions I felt strengthened and when the sun began to rise I got up showered and changed.
Luckily it was Saturday so I didn't have any other commitments.
My sole task was to sort things out with Aiden. He was angry and he had every right to be but he couldn't just shut me out. If he had really cared he wouldn't have been able to discard me so easily.
I wasn't convinced I was going to be able to convince him to change his mind but I had to at least try. I had screwed things up with Max so badly, I had to believe it hadn't been for nothing.
If I had taken the time to really think though my actions I might have changed my mind. But I refused to even consider the craziness of what I was contemplating. I'd never ever done something like this before.
If he still refused to have anything to do with me then I had at least tried.
I got into my car and started it up before backing up out of the driveway.
I tapped my hands against the steering wheel feeling jittery. Yawning, I rubbed my eyes while I drove.
It didn't take long before I pulled up outside Aiden's house. It was only then the enormity of my actions dawned on me and I felt a moment of hesitation. This was crazy and so unlike me.
As I sat staring at his bedroom window I remember how his lips had touched mine. The stirring of butterflies inside of my stomach made me touch my lips gently like I could still feel his kiss.
I couldn't just let it go without a fight. I got my phone out.
I messaged him.
I need to talk to you. I'm outside.
It was still early and I ran the risk that he was still sleeping.
Restlessly, I waited and waited. Nothing.
My angst made me get out of the car and cross my arms as I tried to figure out what to do next.
I studied his window and the tree beside it. The window was slightly open but I couldn't remember the last time I had climbed a tree. For a few steps I paced before I made up my mind.
The first branch was easy and I slowly climbed to the second one before I stepped onto the roof. Carefully I made my way to the window and lifted it up to climb inside.
When I got inside his room Aiden was still in bed sleeping. My actions were stalkerish and crazy.
It was then I realised how far I had gone and panicked. I made a move to climb back out the window.
"Recce?" Aiden's voice sounded half asleep.
I stopped. I closed my eyes briefly wishing he would go back to sleep and when he woke up he wouldn't remember a thing.
"What the hell Reece?" Anger filled his questioning tone and I slowly turned to face him as he sat up in his bed. His chest naked. It was difficult to pull my gaze from that to hold his angry gaze.
"Um... I uh needed to talk to you."
"So you snuck into my room?" He slid from his bed wearing only a pair of boxers. He reached for sweats and put them on.
"I'm sorry. This was a bad idea," I mumbled, losing all of my confidence that this had been a good choice.
I made a move to climb out the window.
"Stop," he commanded.
I did as he said and turned to face him.
"You can at least say what you came here to say." He pulled his hand through his hair.
All my arguments and reasons to give us a chance evaporated.
"I know I fucked up and I'm sorry." I shrugged. "I shouldn't have treated you the way I did."
He folded his arms. I was no body language expert but I knew his stance wasn't a good sign.
I shifted where I stood. How could I convince him that I was worth taking another chance on?
"Honestly, if I had any sense I wouldn't be here."
He studied me pensively. "Why are you here Reece?"
It was the same question he had asked me last night.
I felt none of the courage that had led me to this madness.
"I..." my nerves were all over the place. "The thing is..."
I was a blubbering idiot who couldn't even strong a sentence together. I let out a nervous breath. "It's been hard to admit how I feel about you. Maybe it wouldn't be so difficult if it wasn't tied to the worst thing I've ever done to someone. I'm not proud of cheating on Max, it made me feel crappy. And that overwhelmed anything I was feeling for you."
There was a few moments of silence that hung between us.
"I'm listening," he prompted. His features still stiff and unwelcoming.
It was difficult to admit how I felt to him when he was being so cold toward me. I tried focus on the Aiden who had kissed me outside my front door for the first time and the same Aiden who had shared in my pain.
"I want to try be together. I don't want to look back one day and regret not giving this thing between us a chance."
He allowed his arms to drop to his sides. "I don't think this is a good idea."
I frowned. "Why not?"
"I don't think you'll ever get over how things started with us. The pain you caused Max will always overshadow it." He rubbed the back of his neck.
"I haven't handled any of this well at all but there is one thing I know." I took a breath as his eyes held mine. "I think about you all the time even when I don't want to. You helped me through one of the toughest moments of my life when I wasn't sure I could cope at all. "
I paused. "And the attraction I feel to you is something I've never experienced before."
My eyes went to his lips, the butterflies in my stomach went wild.
He didn't say anything and I wasn't sure there was anything else left to say that could convince him to change his mind.
"I better go." I felt awful that I had gone to such great lengths to show him I cared and it still wasn't enough.
"Don't."
I halted and faced him.