We rode toward Lorien with heavy hearts knowing full well that we would have to withstand the burial of our dearest friends and kin. As we neared the big gates, the horn that blew from the inside of the forest was a mournful one. I rode in first with Sunset on Aniror and the wagon carrying Haldir. The others followed suit. The guards of the land were all lined up as my aunt and Lord Celeborn stood nearby with weary features. I said not a word as I dismounted Aniror and untied Sunset to give to the caretakers for healing and washing. I then led Haldir's steed along with the wagon toward the deepest part of the forest where the ancient Lorien cemetery stood. No one had been buried there for hundreds of years.
I do not remember much of the walk for I was like an automaton. My motions were rigid and it was as if I was in a dream or a nightmare to be more specific. Once every wagon stood beside the one next to it, we untied them from the steeds and the caretakers came to take the steeds to get properly washed and handled post battle. I did not see my aunt come up to me but I heard her soft voice buzzing in my ear. It was a few seconds before I realized what she was saying:
"My dear child, you need to go back to your chamber, have some food, a bath, and lay down for a while. Everything will be prepared here for a proper burial in the meantime."
It was then that I realized I could not even hug her because I was still wearing my armor which was smeared with black blood from the battle. I had to get changed so I nodded automatically and walked away. It was as if I had lost all of my ability to feel. I headed toward my chambers where my elven maidens were waiting with food and to help me with anything I needed. I could not stomach the food just yet but I did decide that a bath was necessary. I wanted all that disgusting blood off of me; I also realized I had some of Haldir's blood on me as well.
So I got into the tub after they helped strip me of my body armor and started washing everything away. I scrubbed myself as hard as I could until my skin turned red. They helped wash my hair. I felt a little better when I got out and they handed me a towel. I decided not to braid my hair but just brush it out until it was stick straight. I then walked and saw the gown that was ready for me; it was entirely black and mournful looking though it still shined even in the dark. It was perfect.
By the time I had gotten entirely dressed, I was able to eat what was brought to me but I decided to forgo the wine for some water instead. Finally, I was ready. I walked out on my balcony then as the maidens left with my dirty armor for the cleaners, it would have to be ready for there were more battles ahead. But that was the last thing on my mind. I stood there as the wind blew my hair back and I started to hear music and elves gathering. I could not close my eyes because each time I did, I would see his face staring into nothingness up above. I shook my head and put on flat shoes and a shawl and made my way down to the ground and followed all the other elves to the cemetery where I stood beside my aunt and Lord Celeborn. I watched as all the other elves that were now gone, were slowly buried side by side as markers were erected with their dates of birth and death on them. My aunt gave a small prayer for each.
Then at last we walked to a large stone tomb which stood erect in the middle of the cemetery; I saw Orodreth's name on it and knew it was time to move Haldir into the tomb with his father. Haldir had been washed and his hair was redressed so he would not look a mess. This time I had to look at his face as elves slowly carried him into the tomb. My eyes were blurry as I realized tears were streaming down my face then. I stopped them for a moment and touched his then. I blessed him then myself and nodded for the proceedings to continue. He was lowered into an empty sarcophagus like tomb adorned in all of his noble attire. He was now with his father per the latter's wishes.
As the top half was closed and I saw the likeness of Haldir already etched in stone that was done while I was upstairs getting ready, I lost it. Up until that point I was able to hold myself together but now this was really it, as my aunt gently took me by the arm and led me out of the tomb, my knees buckled and I collapsed against the stone wall. The grief was overwhelming. More than I ever felt even when I found him. The sobs that came out of me were so strong; I thought they would tear me apart. My brother was gone. This was proof positive now. I never saw the others leave me to my own wounded howling.
They wanted to give me space. In the meantime, aunt Galadriel gave the order for the wagons to be returned to Rohan along with supplies, clothing, food, and wine for the people as a thank you on behalf of the kingdom for letting us take our own home. As that went out, elves starting rushing around, gathering all the needed supplies to load the wagons with. I saw none of this, I was crying unstoppable tears of pain as I huddled against the stone that would for all eternity bear the man who was my only male counterpart; my non blooded kin, my older brother. Haldir, son of Orodreth along with his beautiful spirit were gone into the stars. I prayed that my own mother would take good care of him wherever he was and his father would welcome him with open arms for his heroic sacrifice.
Time stood absolutely still for me, I never saw the sun go down or the moon come out; nor the fireflies chirp or the lights of Lorien shine and sparkle their eternal crystal shine. I saw none of it until all of a sudden, I felt arms around me. I looked up and saw the face of my cousin Arwen; she who was supposed to be half-way to Valinor by now. But no she stayed. Behind her stood my uncle. Both looked at me with sorrow on their faces and then Arwen whispered:
"Let us take you home, cousin mine."
I just nodded dumbstruck. I was in too much of a daze to realize why she stayed and how much of a good idea that ended up being. She slowly whispered into my ear that she saw an image of her son with Aragorn and she was not willing to give that up or the prospect of having more children with him. So somehow she knew something was going to change. She was not one to have a vision; that was me. I tried telling her about Haldir and each time, the words would get stuck in my throat but she soothed me and told me that she knew already.
She told me how Saruman was dead because Grima stabbed him when the others rode to Isengard to retrieve Merry and Pippin. That gave me a little bit of a relief to know that that fool was gone. That everything as I had promised was delivered to Rohan along with the wagons we had taken. Arwen was nervous that I was too ripe with grief to ride myself so Uncle Elrond tied Sunset to his steed and I sat behind Arwen on Asfaloth, her own steed as we rode back to Rivendell after I had said my goodbyes to my aunt. My armor and everything else I needed was put into my satchel and attached to Sunset who was all healed and clean.
Elrohir stayed behind and did not sail off to the undying lands but was the one who delivered everything to Rohan with a message to Legolas that I was on my way to Rivendell and that uncle Elrond was very worried about my grieving but thought it would pass with time. Legolas, of course, being who he was, wanted to ride to Rivendell immediately but was told to stay put and that he was needed there. Aragorn wanted to know about Arwen but was told cryptically same as I had told him, that he must always have hope. And that would have to do for now.
I learned that Mithrandir with Pippin had ridden off to Gondor knowing full well that Sauron would strike upon them next and he had to warn the steward in current control to get themselves ready for war. Meanwhile, I asked about Frodo and Sam for I could not see anything and Arwen said that all she knew was that every day they were inching closer and closer toward Mordor. I just hoped he would get there in time. Now it was time for me to mourn and get my strength back before I entered the next battle and it would soon be upon us, I knew that. This time a lot closer to Gondor if not upon the fortress of Minas Tirith itself.
As we entered Rivendell and I smelled the familiar smells of trees and flowers, I dismounted the horse and thanked my cousin for the ride as I hugged her and my uncle close. Them bringing me home was one of the best gifts they could have given me. I knew I was not done mourning but there was only one place I could do that properly and that was at my mother's waterfall. As I walked slowly toward it, they let me go and went about their own business. The elves that I passed, bowed graciously to me and I nodded at them.
As I neared the place I felt safest in all of the lands, I took out a tea light candle and a purple lily and lit the candle from the lantern hanging nearby. I set the tea light on the flower and floated it in the waterfall as that was my way of paying homage to the deceased. I also got a white lily and tea light in honor of my mother. I sat there and cried and spoke to them both about how much I loved them and missed them and forever would. Purple was for a male or Haldir in this case and white was for a female or my mother. I sat there talking to them for hours; sometimes crying. I knew this was the most cathartic place for me to be. I also knew that Haldir would not want me to spend weeks mourning over him especially when there was a treacherous war going on.
At some point, I got up and wiped my face with my kerchief, realizing I was still wearing the black mourning dress. I decided I would wear it until it was time to fight again or until I was ready to wear color. I would mourn properly and then I would let him go with peace as I faced more adversity. I would always love them both but I had to go on living at some point. My hair blew in the breeze as I realized I had already been crying more or less non-stop for 4 days maybe more. There was no end to how one grieved and I was determined to do this one right for me.
Somewhere among those stars that shot across the sky in the light of the large full moon, I knew Haldir was looking down at me and smiling; he like my mother would always be with me. I knew he was proud of me. And that made all the difference in the whole wide world.