You cleared the table with some help from BD while Greez and Cere got settled in the cockpit to take off. Cal sorted some details about the next destination with Greez before turning away from the cockpit to head down to his room, you assumed.
You watched as he hurridly rushed past you, tension all throughout his body, both physically and mentally. You could feel he was battling with several emotions, too many for you to be able to pick one out specifically.
You glanced at BD-1, who whistled and buzzed in reassuring response.
Once the dishes were cleaned and put away, you debated on whether you should go to see if Cal was alright.
It frustrated you that you wanted to see Cal. You'd been thinking about him constantly, thinking about things you shouldn't.
No jedi should allow these feelings. It made you weak and vulnerable.
Why was it so strong? Your feelings for Cal.
You had been raised to neglect any desire for attachment. Why couldn't you?
How were you supposed to rebuild the jedi order if you couldn't even stay true to the jedi code?
After minutes of debating, you decided it couldn't hurt to see if Cal was alright. There was nothing wrong with checking up on your fellow crew-mate.
You made your way down the corridor to the end, where Cal's room was.
"Cal?" You asked, standing outside his doorway.
"Yes?" He asked.
"I came to see if you're alright."
"Oh."
You peeked in his room and saw he was adjusting something on his lightsaber at his work-table. His back was turned to you.
"Are you?" You asked.
"Yes." His voice sounded slightly irritable. He stopped doing what he was doing, but didn't turn to look at you.
You felt a little deflated. His bad mood bringing you down with him.
"Sorry for bothering you..." You muttered apologetically before turning to walk away.
"Y/n, wait."
You froze and turned back, trying to suppress your frown. He was facing you now.
"What is it?" You asked, your hurt audible in your words.
He seemed shocked to see your sad expression.
"I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." He spoke, quickly coming towards you.
Your heart involuntarily began to speed up and you felt imediately overcome by conflicting emotions. You were shocked to notice your eyes blurring, due to a build-up of tears wanting to escape, but you blinked them away before they could.
"What's wrong?" He asked softly, setting his hands atop your shoulders.
His very touch sent chills throughout your body. And that's when you knew you had let your emotions drift too far.
You shrugged Cal's hands off and took a step back. He furrowed his brows at your behavior.
"Cal, my feelings have seized control of my body, and I don't know how to stop it. It's so... frustrating. I'm becoming weak because of my feelings for you. I've tried to block out my emotions, but I just can't. You're so distracting, and I can't stand it! I can't even think properly when I'm around you. Do you have any idea how that feels?" You ranted.
"Yes! Y/n, I know exactly how you feel. Because you do the very same to me." He replied, taking another step towards you, only for you to step back again.
"Then surely you understand it needs to end now. Our emotions will be our demise if we cannot control them."
"You have it backwards. I feel in control when I'm with you. It's when we're apart that I worry and lose focus." He argued. He was right. You felt safe with him, but when separated, your worries and emotions consumed you.
"Peace and serenity cannot exist in wake of such passion and emotion." You spoke, remembering and reciting what your master had so long ago taught you. Your body was brimming with the urge to give in and just allow your heart to guide you, but you knew it was unwise and completely against what you'd been taught.
"But I feel at peace when I'm with you." He stated.
Everything he said made you doubt your own words more and more.
You inhaled sharply. "Cal, what's the point of this mission?"
"To restore-"
"The jedi order. Exactly. Now, tell me how the hell we're supposed to to that when we can't even abide by the code." You cut him off, avoiding his eyes, because you knew if you looked, you'd simply breakdown.
"Maybe the code is wrong." He suggested.
You didn't answer.
"Attachment is forbidden. They say it's because it makes us blind, more susceptible to weakness. Do you believe that?" He asked you.
"Yes, I do. My master taught me that strong feelings will lead to the dark-side.
"How can you know that?" He asked, his voice sounding slightly annoyed.
Your frustration was brimming, you could feel heat rising in your face.
"I- I don't! But I know that if I ever lost you, I wouldn't be strong enough to resist if the darkness presented itself to me." You sputtered. It was hard. Admitting your weaknesses and fears to him.
His face softened, and he moved closer to you, cupping your face with his hands. You reached up and grabbed onto his wrists to pull his hands away, but you couldn't bring yourself to do so. Instead, you only leaned into his warm touch further.
"You won't lose me, Y/n. I promise." He said softly, pulling your face up to look at him.
"It's too dangerous." You closed your eyes and shook your head.
"Y/n, I won't let anything happen to you, and I know you won't let anything happen to me. We're stronger together. Don't you agree?" He asked, his voice so soft as he gently brushed across your cheeks with his thumbs.
"I trust you, Cal. Really, I do. It's myself I don't trust..." You explained.
"But I trust you. Can't that be enough?" He asked.
The way he looked at you made your knees weak. You tried to answer but when you opened your mouth, no words came out. You let out a small sigh and closed your mouth again.
Cal leaned down slightly, his eyes locked with yours. Your heart kipped a beat and your muscles tensed, causing your grip on his wrists to tighten.
His face was so close now, especially when you mirrored him by moving your face closer to his.
Your eyelids began to flutter closed as he became so close you could feel his breath on your lips.
"Y/n, I need to be sure this is what you want." He spoke so quietly, it was nearly a whisper.
Suddenly you were pulled back to reality by his words.
You opened your eyes and quickly pushed away from him.
"I- no. This is not what I want. And it's not what you want either. Trust me." You told him. It nearly crushed you to see the look on his face. "I'm- I'm really sorry, Cal. But this is not what we need right now."
Your words could not have been less true. You wanted to be with Cal so terribly bad. The only thing stopping you was your masters teachings and your hope to restore the order and defeat the empire.
"I understand." He said.
You could tell he was trying to hide his sadness. You couldn't bear to look at his face anymore, so you turned.
"I'm sorry." You whispered before walking away to your room.
*Let me know if this chapter/any of the chapters suck. I'll change it if it does. I just feel like it always gets cringy when it gets more intimate and romantic*
*Hey guys, I'm in a bit of a writing slump and I know I don't have many readers, but if any of you want me to continue this fanfic I promise I'll try my best! Any ideas or prompts from you guys would be awesome!*