I chose to go with him.
I packed up my things, cleaned up my area and left the empty building to his comforting car.
To our luck, there wasn't anybody outside the parking lot to make our getaway difficult; but I still felt anxious knowing that the last time I was in this metal bubble with him, I was drunk and obnoxious. This time, I'm sober and fully coherent to remember anything that could happen.
"I don't mean to sound arrogant for asking," He starts. "but I'd like to know. How long have you had these feelings for me?"
Here comes the dreadful interview questions.
"Um... I noticed you in English I." I blushed. "It wasn't until this term that I started to feel more."
"I see." He says. "So pretty recent."
I nodded.
"Thank you for your honesty."
"Will you report me to my counselor?" I asked, my heart pounding at the thought of possible expulsion.
"No." He shakes his head. "I don't think you should be suffering a consequence for that. If we think about it, is it 'morally' wrong? Yes. But is it wrong for an everyday person to fall in love so long as it's legal and consensual? No."
Was it really that taboo for two adults with different rolls to consider a possible relationship at school?
"Why is it morally wrong?" I ask.
"Students at the academy come to learn just as Professors come to teach. We want to provide the knowledge that Students yearn just like our Professors passed it down to us. Faculty, Parents, even some Students, rely on trusting on one another in times of learning, encouragement or in certain critical events. Now, imagine that trust being broken when a professor and a student are caught in a controversial act. That type of news would spread like a wildfire. Not only would it ruin the Student's and Professor's reputations, but also the school entirely. The Parent trusts us to help our pupils achieve their goals just as the Faculty counts on us to maintain our reputation. It might sound strict, but wether you are at a academy, University, community college, whatever it maybe be; it is a sacred place and needs to have the upmost respect."
I never saw it that way before. To think that I show up just to get something out of it, but for others it's a passion to learn. It's... pretty inspiring.
"However," He continues. "Just because we have our certain titles, I don't believe it should withhold us from love. We're only human. We feel what we feel; but do you see why it's not right in a educational setting?"
"I do."
"But?" He lifts a brow.
"But what?"
He taps his lips with his index finger. "You do that lip thing when you have a thought in process."
"That lip thing?" I blushed. "I-I don't have a lip thing!"
"You do." He chuckles. "You scrunch up your lips when you have an opposing thought."
"No I don't!" I giggled. "Shut up!"
"You can deny it all you want Darlin', but the proof is there. So the question is, are you going to tell me or not?"
Maybe, if you stopped looking at me with those gorgeous eyes.
"It's not important." I looked down at my picked cuticles.
"I still want to know." He pressed. "Please?"
Oh god. Did he really have to say it like that?
"Well..." I start. "Just do you know, it's just the romantic in me talking. My views on romance are very novel-ish and movie-like so feel free to knock me back down to earth—"
"Just tell me your thoughts Winter."
I sighed in regret. "Fine. Technically, we are both consenting adults. We're only human as you said."
"Right..." he says.
"Hypothetically, if a student and a Professor confessed about their relationship, and I mean a REAL relationship. Not just a casual fucking for the sake of lust, or bribery or even blackmail; Couldn't they try to fight for their emotional rights? Couldn't they prove that it's not just another scandal and they truly loved each other?"
"Hm." He grins at the road. "Emotional rights huh?"
"O-or just their feelings!" My cheeks flushed. "I'm not sure how else to put it!"
"I understand you Winter." He chuckles. "I just find your choice of words really silly."
Well, I'm glad my embarrassment makes you laugh. I hid my smile. Asshat.
"To answer your question; could they fight for their relationship? Of course. However, it still wouldn't look good to the rest of the public so... I honestly don't think it's worth the risk for the sake of both of their positions. It's all about the reputation. No one is going to care for the reason unless it was blackmail. That's a criminal offense that would be taken seriously; but I digress. As I said before, we have out titles to own up to and to always put first."
"But what about you?" I asked. "If you, hypothetically, loved someone who was a student—"
"That wouldn't happen." He says firmly.
"But I'm saying it's hypothetical."
"And I'm saying that I WOULDN'T do such a thing. I wouldn't even consider it knowing it could hurt my status at the University. I'm already having a hard time having the faculty taking me seriously just because I'm the youngest. I can only imagine the shit they would say if there was a hypothetical taboo going on."
"They... as in other Professors or Faculty?
He hesitated to answer, but proceeded with a head nod.
"They make fun of you?"
"...Sometimes."
"What?" I felt my brows come together. "But that's not fair. You deserve the utmost respect just like any other person."
He scoffs. "I suppose, but is anything in life fair? I mean, look at your situation back at the piano room—"
"We don't have to bring that up again!" My face burned. "Seriously, we can just forget that it ever happened!"
"Is that what you really want?" He asks. "You want me to forget a moment like that?"
Part of me wanted for him to forget because wasn't fair to us. He has to continue on teaching knowing my secret, and I have to struggle with the burn of emotions. Still, as he said before, I didn't want to continue living in regret if he never found out who I was and how I felt.
"Yes... no..." I sighed. "I don't know. It just doesn't matter. You're older and I think you deserve someone around your age. Someone older, wiser and way better looking."
"Older, wiser and better looking." He cracks a smile. "You're making me confused Winter. Are you telling me that you like me but that I shouldn't be with you?"
"I..." I motioned my hands like weighted scales. "Guess?"
"Let's debunk your opinion for just a moment. I'll have you know that I am not looking for 'better'. I don't have certain standards or a 'type' if that is what you're worried about. As for my age..." he scratches his stubble. "can you keep this information to yourself?"
"I literally have no one to tell."
"If you say so." He clears his throat. "I uh, well, firstly. How old are you Darlin'?"
God I love it when he calls me Darlin'.
"28."
"Okay, that's what I thought." He grins. "I'm 26."
"Oh, 26. Cool."
Waitwaitwait. What?!
"What?!" I exclaimed.
He throws his head back slightly, laughing at my reaction as if he were watching a sitcom.
"And there's the reaction I expected."
"Wait, but, how?!"
"Well, I age like the everyday person—OW!"
I slapped him on the arm, provoking his cocky grin to grow ear-to-ear.
"Not like that you jerk! I mean, how did you become a professor at such a young age?!"
"I studied." He says. "When I was in high school, I took some early education classes in a "Bridge to College" program and graduated early as a junior. From there, I joined the Navy, studied on my own time, took online courses, taught some people for a few years and then..."
He paused, looking frustrated from the thoughts in his head.
"Then?" I pushed.
"Then... I went to University. Studied there and then I found a job out here in this small town."
"Wow." My brows shot up. "That's really impressive. Here you are sharing your experience and you get made fun of all because you're really smart? Does the staff not even know how passionate you are about your job? That your kindness and passion goes above and beyond to help those who struggle? Not every professor does that and for you to go through that isn't right."
"As much as I am flattered, it just is what it is Darlin'. Trust me, it's not a big deal as you think. I kind of expected it when I first arrived to this campus."
"Still," I felt my arms cross. "it doesn't mean it should be tolerated."
"Hm." He smiled. "I won't argue with you there. I appreciate the sympathy. It's nice to be able to open up a little to someone who isn't my sister."
"I care about you." My voice went soft. "Of course I'm going to sympathize."
Realizing what I had said made us both quiet. I was even shocked at the fact that it came out so naturally.
When I looked out the window to stare at the tall evergreen trees, he starts to speak again.
"Do you er... have any siblings?"
He wants to know about me?
"I have a sister that lives in Portland. We don't talk much honestly. Like me, she tends to hide from the family."
"You're not close with your parents?"
"Not really, no." I kept staring at the trees. "My mom is always busy with her new family and my bio dad is out of the picture. My grandma passed away about year ago. We weren't exactly super close, but I did live with her until I graduated High School."
My mouth perks up slightly from the warm feeling around my arms.
"Sometimes I can't help but just go drive by the neighborhood to go see her house. Just watching the tall sunflowers sway against the wind and the smoke coming out of the chimney brings me comfort when I feel hopeless. Her home was like something out of a hallmark movie, especially during Christmas time."
"If you don't mind me asking, where does she live?"
"In Bremerton." I said. "My Uncle Ernest owns the house now since she passed; but he's hardly ever home to make use of it. He's a higher up in Navy so he's always busy. I think he's currently on deployment in Japan or something last time we spoke."
"I see." He says. "Nimitz?"
"Yes." I said. "Why, were you Nimitz?"
"I was." He frowns. "And never again will I see that ship."
"Seasick?"
"Mm... something like that." He grinned at my joke. "I'm surprised you remembered that since you were really drunk that night."
"Was I? I can't remember." I grinned.
"Silly girl."
We remain quiet for a little while longer when he finally made it onto my street. I didn't want the day to end so soon, but I'm sure he's wanting to leave now that he knows everything.
"Do you have guest parking?" He suddenly asks. "I'd hate to leave the car in the middle of the driveway like last time and I'd like to walk you to your door."
Oh. So he doesn't want to run away? Was he sure about that?
"Er, yeah." I pointed at some empty spots beside my car. "Just pick any of those and you should be good. The complex has plenty of parking for guests."
As he effortlessly adjusted the car into the narrow parking space, he turns off the engine to ask me another question.
"Why did you stop taking your car to school?"
He noticed that?
"How did you know I stopped taking the car?" I asked.
"I just never saw your car in the lot ever since the day we ran into Blake. Is he the reason why you stopped?"
So observant...
"I...didn't want to run into the same situation again." I twiddled my thumbs. "I don't want him to know when I'm on campus since I know he has the habit to ask around for me. It just feels much safer this way."
"I would hardly think so if you're leaving campus after dark."
"As long as I mind my own business and catch my bus on time, it's hardly an issue."
That was a huge lie. I missed driving my car to school.
"Let's hope it stays that way. Though, I would strongly suggest you take your car. I highly doubt Blake would attempt something on campus."
"You don't know Blake." I assured him. "He's not stupid. His friends will cover for him and wether you believe it or not, he does have a huge advantage at the academy—."
"I know, I know." He rolls his eyes. "Out of all schools it had to be this one."
When we got out of the car, he carries my things and follows me up to my apartment. Like the gentleman he is, he checks inside for unwanted guests before I could go in.
"You know, you don't have to do that if you'll be coming around." I said while closing the door behind me. "I just need to get over my fear is all."
"I would believe you if it wasn't for the balcony door open." He says. "Are you aware of that?"
"Yeah..." I sighed in guilt. "I left it open."
"Wait- hold on," He huffs. "You're telling me that even after the threat Blake has clearly stated the night you got attacked, you thought it was smart to leave the balcony door open?!"
"It wasn't fully open." I argued. "Plus the screen is locked—"
"Oh that makes it so much better." He says sarcastically. "It's not like he can rip through the screen if he wanted to."
"Professor, I'm aware that the door is open!" I snapped. "I was in a hurry to catch the bus and I forgot to close it because I open it every morning to let the air in!"
"Well maybe if you took your car like you should, you wouldn't leave in such a hurry! I really don't think you understand the situation at hand here."
"I don't think you understand it was an honest mistake." I said as I took a step closer to him. "And don't tell me that I don't understand the situation when I'm the one living in the fucking nightmare every god damned day!"
I did feel intimidated as I looked up at him. Part of me even expected that he was going to hit me when he lifted his hand.
I flinched into a hunched stance, waiting for the impact to come down when his hand gently sat on my head. Stroking the front of my crown with his thumb that sent warm tingles down my body. A feeling I was not expecting.
"I'm sorry." He sighs. "I didn't mean to get angry or make you feel dumb. I just want you to be safe and.. I can't help but feel concerned after everything. Especially when your resources aren't helpful in your time of need. Just try to keep your balcony door closed more. Is that okay for me to ask?"
Even after he rejected me, he still cares. Why?
"Yes." I sighed into his hand. "I'm sorry for yelling at you. I got defensive and you have a right to be upset. But I swear it really was an accident."
"I know, I believe you."
I felt his hand slowly go for the back of head. Just when his fingertips barely touched where my ponytail used to be, it shot me with a stabbing pain like a migrane.
"Ow!" I quickly jumped back, holding the base when I panicked, "Wha- whatt are you doing?!"
"Whoa, whoa, easy!" He held up his hands in surrender. "You seemed really tense and I wanted to—"
"Please don't touch my head!" I pant. "Please don't! Please don't..."
When I closed my eyes to reset my mind, the image of his hand pulling my hair played like a movie. Dragging me to my knees when I did something wrong. Pulling and twisting it so I looked up at his dangerous blue eyes.
"Don't...." I tried to ease my heavy breath.
Michael slowly approaches closer to me, slightly bending his knees to meet my eyes when he asks, "What do you need? How can I help?"
You can't.
I shook my head, slowly bringing my hands down to my side and taking in a final breath.
Feel the rough carpet under your feet.
The chill in the air.
The smell of cinnamon from the pinecones.
He's not here.
He is not Blake.
I'm home. Safe.
"I'm okay." I swallowed. "Um... I'm sorry for reacting like that. I... I was remembering... I didn't meant to remember..."
"There's no need for an apology." He carefully touches my trembling shoulder. "Winter, answer me honestly."
I look at him as I wait for his question.
"Do you think I could ever hurt you?"
If I answered no, he would think I'm naive. If I answered yes, that would be a lie.
"You... care about others—" I answered.
"I'm not talking about other people." He frowns. "I'm talking about you. Do you think I would hurt you?"
Call me naive.
"I don't think you'll hurt me... kind of. That's why I was apologizing for flinching."
"And as I said before, you don't need to apologize."
"Then, why do you look like you're so mad at me?"
"I— I'm not mad." He blinks in confusion. "Why would you think I'm mad?"
"I don't know." I sighed into my hand.
I'm so emotionally defeated. I couldn't help but worry that when he leaves, we're going to change the way we saw each other after tonight. Good, bad, I wasn't sure. I don't even think I wanted to know now. I know I'm going to sound greedy, but I wanted him to stay.
"I'm sorry Professor." I rubbed eyes. "I'm just tired and it's been a long day... I'm a mess."
"I understand." He says. "I... shouldn't overstay my welcome so I will be going now."
I watch him turn on his heel, heading towards my front door when I stop him.
"Wait,"
He stops his hand at the knob.
"I can't help but think you must be tired too; mentally and physically. I just wanted to say thank you for listening to me again, and I'm sorry for putting you through an emotional rollercoaster."
He doesn't turn to meet my face, but I did see his shoulders slump to a more relaxed state.
"There is just a lot of other things going on as I said in the piano room. You're right, I am tired. But, I can handle it."
"Can you?" I asked. "Sorry if I seem forward again, but if you ever need to talk, I'll listen to you. I maybe not have the smartest advice, but I can listen."
A whispering laugh shook his shoulders.
He turns back one last time, a solemn smile peeking from one side when he says, "I appreciate that Darlin'. I will see you tomorrow. Stay safe."