"So, this story is about us?"
"Yes," I tell Ben the next morning as we're sitting at my "kitchen" table. It's the only table I have and it's not in the kitchen but you get the idea. "And it's bad."
"How bad?"
"I mean, it's readable I guess? And I'm sure I'm biased, but it's just not very well written I don't think."
I stayed up till three in the morning reading all of Addison's story, and a bunch of the comments, too. A lot of it is just encouraging her to continue writing, and reactions with gifs and emoji's but some of the comments have more bite to them. There's #teamZack and #teamRen and everyone pretty much thinks that Zoey is a moron. Added to all of that, the latest chapter was posted after the fight at the office. Which means that Addison went home and wrote it yesterday. That chapter was the hardest to read. Because, apparently, Zoey's a bit toxic at work, and always making life difficult for this person she works with who is a thinly veiled Addison called Allison.
"I guess it's a bit hard to be objective," I say, spearing the last piece of the French toast that Ben made. It's delicious, and I've eaten three pieces of it which I'm going to regret later. Then again, sex burns a lot of calories so ...
"What's there to be objective about?"
"Whether I can sue her."
Ben laughs. "I doubt that."
"You haven't read what I read."
"How do I come off?"
"Not good."
"How bad?"
"Bad, Ben. Basically Ren is a sociopath who enjoys toying with Zoey and still has something going on the side with his ex—"
Ben's eyes dance with amusement, not bothered in the least. He wakes up in a good mood, too, or at least he did this morning. I'll have to judge if that's me related or just Ben. It's too soon to tell.
"Let me guess," he says, "her name is Betchel?"
"No."
"I'm blanking."
"It's Rache."
Ben starts to clear the plates, bringing them to my sink. "That's the same name basically."
"I know. Right?"
"What are you going to do about it? Besides the suing, I mean."
"I'm not sure." I lean back in my chair. "Things are already so tense at the office, and, shit ... What time is it ?"
Ben turns around and checks his watch. "It's eight-thirty."
"Fuck, fuck, fuck. I have to go." I jump up and kiss him quickly as he walks out of the kitchen. He tastes like cinnamon and syrup which means he tastes like the best combination ever invented. "Meet me here at six thirty?"
He smiles. "Chinese again?"
"Surprise me."
I kiss him again and bolt for the door. I'm already behind on my book writeups and I have that stupid list of titles to work on too. Usually, I'm already at my desk by this time, but I was so tired from being up late reading that I couldn't pry my eyes open. And then Ben made me breakfast, and gah ... It feels like my life is a mess. I need to slow down and focus.
If I don't, I'm going to screw things up even more badly.
Okay, okay, maybe I'm being too hard on myself. My life isn't falling apart. I just found Ben. But something about it feels a bit out of control. I spent the last year basically on my own except for Kit, and now there's someone making me breakfast in the morning. Someone I basically jumped into bed with which is totally not like me.
And what I did to Jack. Not like me either.
Fighting with people at work.
Another one to add to the list of, wait for it, not like me.
So, yeah. I need to slow all this down and be more intentional instead of reacting on instinct and feelings.
I hustle to the subway and wait for my train. When I get on, I take out my phone and text Kit.
You are not going to believe what Addison did.
Wha?
I'll send you the link later.
Tease.
COCK TEASE.
The woman standing next to me starts to cough/choke. I look at her to make sure she's not dying and realize from the guilt expression on her face that she's been reading my texts over my shoulder.
"It's a joke," I say.
"None of my business."
"Why read my texts, then?"
She turns away, affronted. My phone pings in my hand.
TEASE MY COCKLE.
Ha, good one. Remind me to tell you about the rude woman reading my texts on the subway.
TEXT THIS.
That's not even sexual.
It's hard to come up with these on demand.
HARD TO COME. Srly?
Haha. I guess it's not that hard.
NOT THAT HARD.
Bad porn title.
Totally. I smile and look at the judgmental woman who was affronted by my texts. She's clinging to a pole not that far from me, but she doesn't catch my eye. I guess she got all that she could handle today. Ugh, I have to write all these titles for my boss.
What kind of titles?
Rom-coms.
Why?
Excellent question. Can you help me?
Give me some examples.
LOVE IS A HOUSE. BUILD ME A DREAM. SECOND-CHANCE ROMANCE.
Those are terrible.
I KNOW.
What's the book about?
Fuck if I know. They have to be generic but unused.
On it.
I send her a praying hands emoji. I confirmed with Jack by the way about Friday.
Jack?
OMG. I mean Ben. BEN.
Interesting slip.
My throat feels tight. No, I'm just tired.
You sure?
Yes! And I sent out the invite to your list last night.
Kit had sent me the list last week. I didn't even check who was on it, just pasted into an email with the details and hit send.
See, I need to slow down. Normal me would have checked everyone on the list to avoid any surprises. Now I don't even know who's coming to this thing even though I'm organizing it.
I know, Kit writes, I heard from a bunch of people.
I directed the replies into a folder. I'll check them later.
You can have them sent directly to me if you want.
Yeah, maybe, if you don't mind. This week is crazy for me.
Do it.
Thanks, Kit. How's the job search going?
I'm giving myself a week to mourn. I'll start looking next week after the party.
Good plan. I may have to look for a job myself.
Why?
You'll understand once you read what Addison wrote.
SEND ME THE LINK!
Will do. At my stop, more later.
I'll send some titles.
TY.
I put my phone away and get off my train, then walk up the stairs into the day. It's hot and muggy, a reminder that summer's still here and not going anywhere.
I arrived in September last year, and this is my first real New York summer. I can't say it's my favorite time in this city. The garbage often stinks and it feels like the air gets stuck over Manhattan and never moves. I meant to find a way to check out the Hamptons but that plan got derailed with the whole search for Ben.
Ben.
Good lord, I can't believe I called him Jack, even if it was just in a text to Kit. What if I'd done that in bed? I mean, it's not like Jack and I were ever intimate but still. I can never make that mistake again.
My phone beeps. It's another text from Kit.
Forgot to ask—have you written your speech yet?
Um, what?
It's traditional for the bridesmaid to give a speech.
Did you ever ask me to be your bridesmaid??
I needed to ask?
I wanted you to GO DOWN ON BENDED KNEE.
Hmm, is that meant to be porny or funny?
Both, obv.
Failed.
Dammit.
So, the speech?
For reals? You know I hate public speaking.
Yeah for reals. You don't want my mother to do it, do you?
God no. Don't you have any other friends?
Fraid not.
I'm at the BookBox building. I swipe my key card to get in the building, feeling an odd beat of panic that it's not going to work. But it beeps the way it always does and I'm inside.
I kind of wish I wasn't though because Addison's right in front of me, waiting for the elevator.
"Feeling better?" I ask her.
She glances at me but doesn't say anything. She's dressed much more conservatively than usual, like she's going for a job interview. And maybe she is. Maybe Jameela and I have driven her away. That makes me feel awful, even though I've been having similar thoughts myself.
"I'm sorry about yesterday, Addison. I didn't want that to happen."
She doesn't look at me. "Okay."
"I really mean it. And I don't know how Jameela found your Wattpad stuff, I ... It wasn't me, is all I'm trying to say. I was curious, but I never did anything about it other than talk to her. And she told me that she found it by accident. She was reading other things on there and the story was suggested to her. She only put two and two together because of the subject matter."
Addison glances at me slowly, then away. "Did you read it?"
"I did. Last night, though. Not before."
The elevator door dings open and we enter. She turns her body away from me and now I'm starting to get pissed off. She's been writing about me, after all. My life. Sharing it with thousands and thousands of people. I never asked her to do that. I would have told her not to do it if she bothered asking me.
I open my mouth to say something and then I stop. I don't want a confrontation with Addison. I just want to do my work and read my books and go home to Ben.
So, for once in my life, I keep my mouth shut.
The elevator opens on our floor and we go to our respective desks. I say good morning to Jameela, but Addison stays silent.
I go to my inbox and work through the fifty emails that have accumulated overnight. So many people begging for their book to get exposure. I get it, but I wish I wasn't exposed to so much desperation.
I get a notification on my phone from Facebook. It's a message from Ben.
I open it.
Hey, he wrote, so I ALSO don't have your number.
OMG. We still haven't exchanged numbers. What is wrong with us. Oh! Ha!
So ...
Well, you got a hold of me didn't you?
But maybe you don't always check Facebook.
I smile. I always check. You're the one who says they don't check all the time.
True.
What's up?
Just wanted to say hey.
Oh.
Bad thing?
No, I like it.
I thought I might mix it up for dinner tonight, Ben writes. Maybe I'll cook again.
I thought no one in New York ever cooks.
This is mostly true. But sometimes we do.
Twice in one day?
Are you suggesting something?
I was talking about your cooking but you know I love porny titles.
Horny titles.
Haha.
So, dinner?
Yes, I write. I think my oven works.
Do you have pots, pans, staples?
Pots & pans, yes. Staples?
Salt, pepper etc.
Yes.
Excellent. And you like everything?
Pretty much. What are you making?
It's a secret.
Okay.
Everything all right at work? You weren't too late?
Yeah, just have to write a speech and do all this work stuff. So I should probably go.
Understood. See you tonight. XO
My heart starts to pound. XO. That means ... oh, wait. It just means hugs and kisses. My brain is scrambled.
I type XO back and then leave Facebook.
Like I was saying before I need to slow down and focus.
I make a mental list of everything I need to get done this week.
I need to write a love letter for Kit.
I need to write a list of book titles.
I have to fix things with Addison and Jameela.
That's a lot to get done in a couple of days. Especially since all I want to do is message with Ben all day.
I am in so much trouble.