"Why do we suffer?" - Nemo
I was ready to die. I had nothing left. No memories, no family, no friends. Barely any other people had woken up and the small few who had were still feral beasts. There was no guarantee how many others would regain their humanity. I'd made up my mind, I would die right outside that god forsaken ship. Those Androids would see my body and know the pain they caused with their war. My rotting corpse would be stuck in their minds forever. Whenever they got close I'd growl, roar and feign attacks. I wasn't dreaming, I wasn't even unconscious and making it all up. I wanted it to end, I wanted to die.
But they wouldn't let me die.
*****
"Captain! He's waking up! Come up here quick!... She was worried Panzer, Lancieta wouldn't stop crying when she found you unconscious and emaciated."
I tried to growl but a raspy meow came out instead.
"I'm a fuckin animal."
After about a minute someone crashed into the room.
"How is he? Is he stable? Can he eat? Is he still sick?"
I tried to growl again but started coughing violently.
"He's still recovering from pneumonia and malnutrition. It'll take much more time for him to recover. It seems as though he's stopped coughing up blood so that's good news. His temperature is high but not as high as it was before."
Lancieta wasn't really paying attention to Roisin. She just knelt in front of me and put her forehead on mine.
"It's our fault... It's my fault. I'm the reason for billions of lives being snuffed out in an instant."
I heard the door close as Roisin left the room. Lancieta pulled away and looked me in the eyes before she spoke again.
"I know I'm the one to blame. You can hate me as much as you want. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I don't deserve anything. The only thing I can do is help as many of your people as I can to adjust to this new existence... I... I..."
At this point she started crying. I remembered the video log. She may be an Android but the tears that were streaming down her face were real. The sobbing and the trembling were as real as I had ever seen. She already knew the pain her war caused. I lifted a paw and tried to place it on her head but I lost whatever energy I had half-way and it just dropped. I felt my eyes getting heavy and I saw a look of concern on her face and heard her terrified voice before I fell back to sleep.
"ROISIN! He passed out ..."
"Why does she care?"
*****
Four weeks later I had finally gotten over my pneumonia and allowed Lancieta and Roisin to nurse me back to full health. Actually, I didn't have much choice in the matter. Roisin was finishing up her final assessment of my health before letting me out of the makeshift hospital which I assumed was in their warship.
"Ok Panzer. Follow my finger."
I do as much.
"Ok. If I let you go are you going to let yourself starve to death?"
I shake my head no. They'd probably just find me and keep me alive. If I was going to be forced to live I might as well just do so on my own.
"Do you remember anything?"
I nod yes as something heavy falls behind me, causing me to jump off the bed and turn around in a single motion. Lancieta had basically moved into the infirmary to keep an eye on me day and night. She would often fall asleep on a stool and sometimes, she'd fall off.
"Don't mind the captain. What do you remember?"
I glared at her.
"Right... The triplets and Yora haven't finished the translator yet. I'll just ask you that later..." We stood there awkwardly for a few seconds before she spoke up again. "Are you hungry?"
I nodded yes. Lancieta seemed to have been roused from her sleep at the sound of hunger and she stumbled to her feet.
"I'll get it Panzer! Don't move, I'll be right back!"
Even though she never let me out of sight she always got me anything that wasn't readily available. She had some kind of portable monitor on her arm, or was it in her arm... I never asked. Roisin told me she avoided sleep for multiple nights in a row to make sure I didn't stop breathing during the lowest point of my sickness. Something which wasn't necessary as the disembodied voice made clear multiple times.
"Can I tell you something?" I looked at Roisin curiously and she continued. "The captain's always wanted a child but we... Androids can't have children. Some of us... choose to cease function because of this, it's a hard thing to come to terms with. Adoption is possible but it isn't as easy or available as it was here on Earth. Andromedian society puts a major emphasis on family so generally a child has many parents as they believe that, to use an Earth term, 'It takes a village to raise a child." She paused for a moment, unsure of if she should continue or not. "When she found you the first time, she said she felt something inside her come alive."
She folded up a screen she'd been watching my vitals on and sat down in front of me as she continued.
"When an Android talks like that others get excited. Some say that's when we come the closest to having a soul. It's still an argument if we can have souls. Sentience is fine but a soul means you're really alive. After living for at least a thousand years, Lancieta's achieved something few ever can. That's why she's so drawn to you, so attached. She feels like you're a part of her soul. To be honest it's as selfish as it is selfless."
I tilted my head in question but Roisin just shrugged her shoulders and removed the I.V. from my arm. Lancieta burst back into the room a few minutes later with something that smelled wonderful.
"I made this yesterday but you fell asleep before dinner so I saved it for today. I hope you don't mind dinner in the morning." She had a giant smile on her face as she brought the plate over to me. She'd made an eating table so I didn't have to strain my neck downward to eat. Drinking was the irritating part. My tongue could "grab" water but it was nowhere near a mouth full. Panther lips are difficult to control, I'd already bitten myself more than a few times; eating was fine, drinking drove me nuts. I missed my human mouth desperately.
Before I finished my "breakfast" I moved some of the noodles around my plate and snorted at Lancieta. This was the first time I had actively "spoken" to anyone first since I tried starving to death. She came over and looked at the plate.
"T - Y... What does that mean?"
I didn't make any movement that would explain it to her. I just finished eating and tapped her leg with my shoulder as I left the Medical-bay with the empty plate in my mouth.
"Wait! What does T. Y. mean?!"
Vould cleared his digital throat before responding.
"It is Earthling shorthand for 'thank you', Captain. Have you been studying Earth's culture at all?"
"Oh, Thank You Vould." Lancieta said, ignoring the rest of his rude reply, smiling to herself.
*****
Lancieta followed Panzer out of the room and to the mess hall while Roisin finished putting away the I.V. drip for the day. Lancieta sat at a table as Panzer struggled to wash his plate. She thought he looked adorable. When she told him what she thought a few days ago, while he first attempted the task, he growled. She kept any similar thoughts to herself afterwards. Panzer walked over to the dryer and placed his paws underneath it.
"So, what now?"
Lancieta asked from the table. He stood there for a moment and walked away, leaving Lancieta alone in the mess hall.
"He still hates me..." She said and dropped her head onto the table in defeat.
"He has every right to."
"I know Rould. I just... I don't know..."
Panzer walked back into the room with a mirror from the Medical bay. Lancieta looked at him curiously as he placed it on the floor.
"You want to see yourself?"
"Panzer nodded his head and pawed at the mirror.
"We can build you a 3d model of yourself no problem! Rould can you do that?"
"I cannot currently project in the mess hall. Please go to the comms room. I will build the model as you travel Panzer."
"Follow me!"
Lancieta jumped up from the table almost tipping it over and lead Panzer to the communication room. Panzer had not really walked around the ship much, as most of his time was spent regaining his health and strength. He didn't have much muscle to begin with due to the 3 year slumber and the pneumonia didn't exactly help. As they walked, Yora's voice spoke to Section 6.
"Captain I finished the prototype but it's pretty much100%, all we have to do is find what voice he wants."
"Perfect timing. Meet us in the comms room."
*****
When Yora walked in he saw a 3d image of Panzer and the panther himself walking around it; pawing at it from time to time to rotate the model. He waited a few moments before announcing his presence.
"Oi. I've got a translator ere. Fancy a voice like this?"
Panzer glared at Yora and his choice of accent for the week, making the Android shudder a bit.
"Right... I'll uh - something basic then."
Lancieta rushed over to Yora and yanked the translator from his hands. "So this clips onto the fur on top of his head and this goes around his neck?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
She rushed over to Panzer and paused mid-step as he had a confused look on his face.
"I won't make it too tight."
He glared at the piece that looked like a collar, then sat up straight to let her affix the translator. Yora spoke as she adjusted it.
"So, Panzer, what you're going to want to do is act like your speaking with your mouth. Not so much miming each word but maybe you could open your mouth slightly and act like you're humming. That might be easy to do. Oh and also I gave you a basic automated voice to start with but just say the country of the accent you want and it'll adjust. I tried doing something extra with thought pattern recognition but your human brains have changed significantly from the way they used to be so it was a bit of a challenge."
The Panther stood there for a moment trying to understand the instructions then his translator crackled to life.
"American. New York. Relaxed? This is good."
"So, what did you remember?" Roisin asked enthusiastically as the question was burning a hole in her mind.
"My name, my name is Mannie."
"Oh... Mannie." Lancieta sounded intrigued. "Do you remember anything else?"
"Friends... I... I have to find my friends." His response had an echo of sadness to it.
"But, most of the population..." Lancieta started but he cut her off almost immediately.
"I know! They may be dead, but I have to try. I wanted to die but you kept me alive. This is all I have... It's all I have to hold onto. Otherwise I'm just a ghost... an impossible memory from a distant past."
The room was silent for a few minutes and Panzer went back to examining his new body. His fur was mostly grey with tinges of red flecked mainly down his back. He looked at his eyes and was reminded of the rabbit he saw.
"I wonder if she woke up too"
The translator popped and clicked as he thought, which embarrassed Yora.
"Ah... I'll have to fix that for you. If our thoughts aren't private, we can't have solace."
"Wow Yora, that sounded deep and thoughtful." Vould said with a bit of snark in his voice.
"You sound like a bit of an asshole Vould."
"Oh wonderful the house pet is talking back to me now."
"I'M NOT A FUCKING 'HOUSE PET' YOU LOW-TECH, MALWARE PIECE OF SHIT!"
Panzer roared as his translator spoke. The roar echoed throughout the ship along with his new voice. Normally Vould would have had a retort but he stayed silent and disappeared from the main screen. Everyone in the room was on edge as Panzer walked through the 3d model and left the comm room. When he was sure Panzer was far enough away Yora spoke up and Vould reappeared on the screen.
"Well, the first test was a success... I'd say."
Lancieta glared at Vould's floating head on screen.
"Vould, I don't care if you were created while Tould was trying to destroy the Hydra, if you speak to Pan... Mannie or any other human like that again I will come in there, remove you from this system myself and dump you into the sea, are we clear?"
"..."
"ARE. WE. CLEAR!"
"Yes... Captain. Sorry Captain."
"That's what I thought."
At that Vould's face disappeared from the comm-screen again. Lancieta looked to Yora and Roisin who both tensed up as she did so. It had been years since they saw this side of their Captain.
"I'll get the translator from – Mannie. Do you need both pieces?"
"Um no... jus the clip. I need to mess with the filters a bit."
"Very well."
Lancieta walked out of the room and took her intensity with her, allowing Roisin and Yora to exhale.
*****
Lancieta spent a few minutes looking through the security feeds for Panzer. She finally saw him looking out a familiar damaged section of the ship, about 600 feet off the ground. The gaping hole that was torn into the side of the ship during planet fall. Now it gave Panzer a view of what was left of civilization and the vast ocean. She carefully rushed to the familiar floor and knocked on the wall, waiting for admittance.
"Hello, Captain."
"Please... Mannie, call me Lancieta."
"Hello, Lancieta. You can come out here, it is your Dreadnaught isn't it."
"Dreadnau... yes, yes it is."
Lancieta walked to the opening and sat down next to Panzer. The sun had just left zenith but the world before them was still bright and full of life. Birds were flying out in the distance over the water and dolphins were swimming by the shoreline.
"Mannie's dead. He died out there... weeks ago. I'm Panzer now; the house pet." Panzer spoke solemnly while gazing at the ruins of California.
"You're not a house pet..."
They both sat there in silence for a few minutes as the wind blew.
"Why didn't you let me die?"
"..." Lancieta wasn't sure how to answer.
"I have nothing. This body was made for killing; I've killed. I'm fine with that though. I am an animal now, but..."
"You're not an animal. You're still human."
"HA! Have you seen me?! I'm nothing like a human. I'm just an animal. The only thing animals do is kill, eat, fuck, and sleep. I don't even need this thing around my neck."
"It's not... that's not the only thing you're good for. Being human is more than just your outward appearance."
"Well I killed a human the other day and I almost killed another before that."
"You were protecting Roisin and I from that bear."
"True... I only did that because his eyes were empty."
"Empty?"
Panzer sighed and fixated his gaze on something else in the distance.
"...A few days before, I was hunting and I came across a large rabbit. She was like me, scared, running on instinct... I almost ripped her throat out."
"But you didn't?"
"No."
"Because her eyes weren't, empty?"
Panzer gave Lancieta a quick glance before answering. "Yup. She's like me... well she might be. I didn't run into anyone else since. Once I... 'woke up', I guess."
Another silence blew through the cavern-like room with the sea breeze.
"You said the bear's eyes were, empty?"
"Yeah."
"What exactly did you see in the rabbit's eyes that wasn't in the bear's?"
Panzer snorted an exhale of thought. "... I don't know how to describe it. It's... the same thing in yours and mine."
At those words Lancieta could've sworn her heart stopped.
"I saw fear, sadness, confusion, pain - life. She looked back at me and we just knew each other used to be human... In that moment everything rushed back to me and I wanted to see my friends and family again... I had hope."
"I can't..." Lancieta tried to speak but the words got caught in her throat.
"75% of us huh?"
"... Yes." The percentage served as a kick to Lancieta's diaphragm.
"Were you able to figure out a median age for survivors? The number 26 comes to mind, I might be 26, wait, I might be 29 now. Or does this count as being 3 years old?" Panzer said, lifting a paw as an example of "this".
"I uh... I'll have T.V.R. figure that out right away."
"Ok..."
"T.V.R."
"Yes captain?" Rould answered.
"I want you and your brothers to try and calculate the ages of the survivors and see if that was a major factor in..."
"Who did and didn't die."
Panzer's bluntness made Rould feel uneasy.
"Uh, right away Captain. Mannie."
Panzer snorted at the sound of his old name. A name that should carry memories but instead was a hollow pang in his head.
"I'll let him know you want to be referred to as Panzer."
"Right. I guess I should thank you."
"Why?" His words caught her off guard again, she couldn't figure him out. Did he hate her or not?
"You basically gave me a new life after I resigned myself to death."
"I... well..."
"You're kind of like my feral-mom. From the way you yelled at the computer earlier you can be just as ferocious as I was pretending to be. Just to let you know where this is coming from, I think a lot. It feels like something I used to do a lot before this, it feels familiar to just be in my head, trying to figure things out. That, coupled with not being able to communicate easily till now let me go over that video and everything else you've told me non-stop till today."
Lancieta's voice cracked as she kept herself from crying. Panzer seemed aware of his entire situation and the fact he seemed so calm cut her deep. She struggled to think of something to say.
"T... T.V.R. became a little more than a computer when they tried to save the ship without input. Back home that would qualify them for the process of Body Reception."
Panzer was confused by the term. Lancieta looked at him awkwardly and quickly trained her gaze on something in the distance before explaining.
"When an A.I. acts outside of their programming, that qualifies them for review by a group to be further tested. If they pass those tests they are then referred to as Android; a sentient life form capable of truly feeling emotion and possessing free will." Lancieta put her hand over her heart and then to her forehead as she said this. Panzer nodded in understanding.
"So you used to be an A.I. too?"
"Yes. In Earth years, I've been Android for around 1200 years."
"You don't act like a thousand years old."
Lancieta was confused by the phrase.
"How do you act like an age? We don't have that expression back home."
"... You've got a point, it's kind of a stupid saying anyway."
"I think I'm starting to warm up to her."
Panzer's translator popped and crackled as he thought.
"Oh right, I forgot. Yora said he wanted to fix that for you so you could think in private."
"Guess I gotta break out the claw again while he tinkers with this thing."
"It shouldn't take him too long."
They sat awkwardly, looking out over the ocean, unsure of what to say to each other.
"... my fur's gotten pretty bad. Do you have a brush?"
"Tell you what, I'll bring one up after I bring your translator down to Yora."
Panzer lifted his head, assuming she needed the collar. Lancieta took it off as well as the clip, setting the collar to the side on the floor.
"He just needs this part."
Panzer pawed at the collar and lifted his head again.
Lancieta picked it up, clipped it back around his neck and went to get a brush.