It had been months since her sweet, edgy lover had a knife pulled on him, but Clare couldn't shake the feeling that there were emotions left unspoken within Eli. Things were tense, especially after Fitz' made a random appearance in their lives again, claiming that he was a changed man. He reached out to Clare first, swearing that he had found God and turned a new leaf, but Eli wasn't as accepting as she was. He held grudges almost as tightly as he held onto her.
As she tossed her bag over her shoulder and sat down at The Dot, the thoughts were reeling in her head. She could barely get an order together before she noticed a familiar face at the register. And that face was.... Fitz?! Oh GOD, it can't be... but it was. He smiled and beckoned for her, and she didn't have much of a choice but to smile back and walk over for a quick chat.
"Clare, I'm so glad the Lord brought us together again today! Have you had time to think about what I said? I just really think that it could help Eli."
Clare sighed and shook her head, trying to think of anything to avoid answering him.
"I..... did think about it. And... I think there should be a little discussion about this before you talk to Eli. He's not like you and I. He's an atheist; he doesn't really believe in the same things that we do. I'm really sorry, but I don't think trying to save him is going to help your situation."
Before either of them had time to think, an angry figure burst through the door.
"CLARE! Get AWAY from him!! Don't you touch her!" Eli grabbed Clare, stepping in front of her just inches from Fitz.
"Eli, this isn't what it looks like. Clare and I were just discussing you, and... your relationship. With God." Fitz took step forward, trying to place a caring hand on Eli's shoulder. Eli scoffed and smacked his hand away, fuming.
"My WHAT? Have you both lost your minds? No, I mean really, am I the one with a problem here? Did no one tell me it was opposite day? Maybe you BOTH forgot, but not even a year ago this freak pulled a knife on me. As if that wasn't emasculating enough...." Eli trailed off, his cheeks burning red. Clare grabbed his hand and pulled him to look at her, her eyes welling with tears.
"Eli, please. Fitz just wants to apologize! I'm sorry for talking to him behind your back, but you hardly gave me a choice! I had to say something." She pleaded.
"I gave you a choice, Clare Edwards. But you didn't like the options. I don't see how that's my fault. All I ask of you is to not speak to my attempted murderer, but I guess that's just asking too much." Eli snapped, shaking his head.
"You know, I thought you of all people would get it. I thought you were different- that I could trust you. But I guess I should've just taken GOD'S sign and sworn off dating after- Just forget it...."
Eli's eyes watered as he rushed to the door, practically running outside and back to his car. This is why he never trusts anyone, he thought. What point is there when everyone you love will just break your heart one day? Maybe he has always had too many expectations, but trust and honesty didn't feel very demanding to him. Maybe that's why he's always been alone and always will be...
Clare sighed, wiping her eyes.
"Fitz, I have to go. This can't happen again. Eli can't handle it. You don't get it, he's not like the people you're used to. Or that you were used to. I can't explain it right now. But please, if you've really changed, then respect me and stop this." She sniffled, wiping her nose with her sleeve.
Fitz nodded, turning back to the register.
"I.... Have to get back to work. I'm sorry, Clare. It won't happen again..." He shook off the hurt and pressed on with a customer, giving Clare an out to rush to Eli. She ran out the door, but his hearse was already peeling off down the road. Just in time for a thunderous cloud to roll in, too. Great, she thought. She loved walking home on nice days, but certainly not in the rain.
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Clare walked up the steps to her door and stuck the key in. Please let my parents not be here, she thought. The last thing she needed was her mom's intrusive questions right now, or her dad's unsolicited advice. They can't even take care of their marriage, so they definitely can't help with this.
Luckily, the rain held off for the most part until she settled into the couch and put on the TV. Any distraction was welcome to her furrowed brow right now. She just started to doze off when she heard the sound of shoes coming up the steps to the door. She jumped up, hoping that it would be Eli, but was disappointed to see Fitz' hair through the peephole.
"Fitz.... You can't be here, please..." She begged, pressing her forehead to the chilled front door.
"Please, Clare. I'm sorry, if I had anywhere else to go, I would. Trust me."
Clare sighed and opened the door to a beaten, soaking wet Fitz.
"Oh, my god, get inside! What happened to you?!" She grabbed him by the jacket and yanked him in, tearing it off of him as soon as she shut the door. He shivered and stepped further inside.
"It's not important. I deserved it for the things I've done... I don't even know if I believe in GOD, Clare. But I know I just want someone to believe in me...." He sobbed. Clare bit her lip, nervous and unsure of what to do. The very man Eli forbid her from seeing was crying in her living room.
"Stay here. PLEASE. Don't move. I can't have you in here without at least calling him, Fitz. I can't." Clare grabbed her cell and flipped it open to call Eli, still not sure what she would even say.
"Before you call, please let me say this. I don't want to push you away from Eli, but you deserve someone who understands forgiveness, Clare. You are too sweet for someone like him. He has to change to deserve a girl like you!" Fitz grabbed her shoulder, pleadingly. Clare shook him off and hit the call button, dialing Eli.
"Eli, I want to talk. Please don't hang up..." She exclaimed, sheepishly. The line was silent.
"I know you're there. I'm trying to do the right thing here. I love you. I walked home, but... Fitz showed up at my door, and I let him in but he's just in the foyer. I didn't feel right not calling you first. He's hurt. Please, Eli. Please talk to me!" Clare stomped her foot in desperation.
"Clare, babe... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted like that, not in public at least. I love you, and I'll listen, just... please, just don't leave me..." Eli tried to hide his crying. Clare choked up, hearing the words she was desperately hoping he would say. She could barely get a response out.
"I'll come to you, right now. But... I don't want to do this in front of Fitz. He may have found forgiveness through God, but I'm a much more fickle man. He's going to have to show me a lot more if he wants to speak to you again." The couple exchanged their parting love and hung up, Eli rushing to her house as soon as he could. With that, she turned to Fitz.
"I'll dry your clothes, and then I want you out. And don't think I forgot your comment about Eli." She snapped. Fitz dropped his head into his hands, crying.
"Clare, please Clare, I just need you to listen to me. I'm so confused.... I thought it would get better but it just doesn't make sense..." He sobbed, barely audible over his snotty crying. Clare threw her arms up, finally at a loss for words.
"Fitz, what is going ON?! All this time you keep begging for help but I don't even know what you need help with! You like me, you don't like me, you hate Eli but you want his forgiveness, and why did you even get beat up?! I can't help you if you don't tell me something!" Clare yelled, slamming her hand down on the table. Fitz slid down, sitting against the wall. They both took a moment to process everything, chests heaving from two very different emotions. Before they got a chance to talk, Eli opened the already cracked door. He frowned when he saw the man he hates crumpled on the floor.
"Clare..." He looked at her, annoyed. She shrugged and shook her head, equally frustrated. Fitz lifted his head, looking like he would finally give some clear answers.
"Look... I don't know how to say this. I do like you Clare, but there's something else, too. Someone else... Eli; I want to be friends. But, I'm also jealous. Of you, your personality, your girlfriend. Everything. You aren't afraid to be yourself, you're proud of the things that others may call shortcomings, and even the faults you acknowledge, you're not afraid of them. You face your fears when you're with Clare. I want someone to feel that way about me, too. Anyone..." He shook his head, mumbling under his breath about being an idiot for saying anything at all. Clare and Eli both blushed, feeling awkward.
"You.... Like me? Like... like how a girl would...?" Eli questioned gently. Fitz covered his face with his hands again.
"Maybe? I don't know. But I don't feel the same way about you like I do with my old boys. They felt like... brothers. Or cousins? But I envy you, I can't get you out of my mind. Your face, your car, your relationship. I don't know what ANY of it means. And about God... it's not something I know about. I mean, I do, but I just don't know how I feel. This isn't okay."
Clare's face softened and she crouched down to Fitz' level.
"Fitz, you don't have to label yourself. But, if you can tell me what you are afraid of, maybe I can help?" She placed her hand on his knee.
"I'm just going through a lot right now... I don't want to talk about it. My dad found my journal, that's why I look like this. He was angry about what he read, he said that no man talks that way... I just don't want to feel alone anymore, Clare. Eli. Please... I just can't feel alone anymore." Fitz leaned forward and fell into a pile in Clare's lap. She looked up at Eli knowingly, surprised to see him tearing up. He looked embarrassed and upset.
"Clare, I love you, and I'm not mad at you, but I need to go. I can't be here. Not after... that. I just need to be alone for a minute." He looked away, trying to hide even more tears. Clare nodded and they shared a quick kiss before he stormed out the door. She slid out from under Fitz and explained that she needed to check on Eli before any of this could go on, but Fitz just sighed and agreed to leave for the night. As he walked out, she went to Eli's car. It was still storming, but starting to get dark. She opened the door and got in, immediately being grabbed by Eli and squeezed tightly.
"It's time that I tell you something, Clare... There's something you don't know about me. There's... more than ONE reason that I wasn't bothered by waiting to be able to sleep with you..." He pressed his face into her chest, just under her silver cross necklace. She spun her fingers into his hair, holding him close.
"Does this have anything to do with our friend Adam?" She spoke softly, as if she wanted to keep their secrets safe even in his silent car. Eli's shoulders shook with a small, relieved sob.
"Y-yes.... It does. It has a lot to do with him..." He wouldn't look up, but pressed his face into her even harder. Clare smiled and kisses the top of his head.
"It's okay. I love you, Eli. There's nothing you could ever tell me that would change that. Even... this." She pressed another kiss on his head.
"How did you know...?" He asked, finally looking up at her.
"Well... to be honest, I saw a LOT while we were cleaning your room. I know that you're embarrassed by the hoarding, and I get it, but I knew there had to be something else, too. A little bit of nosy peeking led me to a really big secret. And I'm really sorry, I had no idea before, but once I saw everything I felt awful for sneaking." Clare's face was soft and scared as she spoke, as if she wasn't sure how he would react. Eli shook his head.
"You don't need to feel bad, but it was definitely a big secret. I wanted to tell you when Adam did, but I chickened out after seeing how he was treated. Maybe that makes me a bad friend, I don't know... but I was scared. I'm never scared, but I was that day. And when you said you wanted to wait, well... it was just a happy accident." He paused.
"So you knew that night? When you helped me start on my bedroom?"
Clare nodded shyly.
"Yes, I did... not until later. But I did. When I saw everything, I thought maybe you were just into some different stuff. Things I'm not really familiar with. But when we fell asleep, and you were spooning me, I noticed. Or rather, I noticed what wasn't... there." She let out a quiet chuckle, blushing. Eli half-smiled, laughing too.
"Well... I guess you would find out sooner or later. Maybe part of me was hoping you would find out on your own. But... I'm trans. And Adam already knows, obviously. It's part of why we became friends in the first place. Though, that's not who we are. It's just... what I am. I'm still the same person now as I was before the night you found out. So please don't feel like anything needs to change, okay...? And I meant what I said before, too. About leaving..."
They kissed, holding each other close, before pulling away into a hard hug.
"I'm not going anywhere, Eli. Ever." Clare whispered.