June 26th, 2022
I feel a little bad that I left Zayn to deal with the situation with Cassie, but not really.
I needed time to myself, to think about this piece of information that was uncovered about her. Something just isn't sitting right with me. She said she was in an accident, a bad one. One that made national news. I have to wonder what the accident was. "Accidents" don't just show up on news like that outside of locally for no reason. "Accidents" don't make you feel the need to change your name and leave the state.
She definitely doesn't seem open to talking about it either. I'm almost positive her shit has nothing to do with us. If she were undercover or something, we would have all gone down that day she was looking for Zayn. Cassie is just a mystery I'm trying to figure out and I'm worried I won't like what I find.
I also noticed she can take a lot of shit. When things go bad, she takes a step back and bounces back quickly. That has to mean something, right? Only someone who's seen some shit would be able to do something like that so easily.
I feel like I'm starting a game of connecting all the dots but I don't know what they're connected to.
It doesn't help that I've been trying so hard to ignore the pit in my stomach when I think about her. At first, I was really annoyed by her loud personality. It was easy to see she didn't give a fuck what other people thought of her and she was going to do whatever she wanted regardless. That irked me. It got under my skin. All I could see was some girl dripping with confidence and privilege. That's part of why I started that stupid fight with her on her balcony. I was on my way to do Jim's dirty work and there she was crying. It felt so trivial.
The more I've been around Cassie, the more I've realized that's probably not true. She is confident, but it's drawing me into her more now. She looks at the world around her like she just put on a pair of glasses after being blind her entire life. She's fun and her laugh is infectious and she's so incredibly kind to everyone she meets even when they don't deserve it. Like me.
There's something about her that has me feeling like a lost puppy.
I hate it.
Cassie is a dream to look at, which also doesn't help. And the way she just fell into me so perfectly when we fucked in the bathroom. Definitely not my best moment, but I don't regret it.
Snap out of it.
I rub my eyes and lean back on my couch with my tea in my hand. My brain feels like mush. Nothing feels right.
It's Sunday and I'm off work today. I have plans to work on some side projects and hopefully distract myself from my mind running a million miles a minute. I've been thinking on this all night and into the morning, I barely slept a few hours last night.
While scrolling mindlessly on my phone and finishing my tea, I notice a text notification I must have missed. When I see that it's Cassie, I feel my face heat up and I'm grateful I'm alone.
Oh shit.
It's a picture of my journal that I don't even remember taking out of my apartment.
From Cassie: missing something?
I really hope she didn't open that. I'm not hiding any super deep dark secrets, but I can get really vulnerable. It's the only place I know I can really be myself. Everything is in there. Poems, my thoughts, drawings. It's just a small, fake leather journal that I do sometimes put in my pocket when I know I'm going somewhere I might have a chance to write, but I don't know why I would have brought it with me the other night. But that's the only way it would have ended up with her.
Right? That seems weird. But how else would she have it? I'm being paranoid.
I run my hand through my hair and let out a sigh I'd been holding in. I really fucking hope she didn't read anything.
To Cassie: So now you're stealing from me.
I get a text back almost immediately.
From Cassie: yeah, right. i didn't open it, don't worry your pretty little head.
She just called me pretty. Should I read into that? No, I shouldn't. She's being sarcastic. Yeah.
To Cassie: Yeah I know I'm pretty, thanks. No need to remind me.
The three dots appear like she's typing and then they disappear. I stare at the texts for a few more seconds before the dots pop up and disappear again.
What am I doing? Waiting for her text back like I'm in middle school talking to my crush. Pathetic. I lock my phone and throw it on the couch face down, rubbing my eyes and groaning in frustration.
My phone buzzes from its spot on the cushion. I'm embarrassed at how fast I moved to grab it but I ignore the feeling, sitting up straighter as I open the message.
From Cassie: you are so god damn annoying. are you working today? i'm off so i can bring your diary to you.
To Cassie: Why are you like this? Jesus. I'm off work today, I'll be at your place in an hour.
I put my phone on do not disturb and roll my eyes to myself, suddenly getting a weird feeling in my stomach as I walk to my room to get dressed.
Pull yourself together, you're just going to get your journal and leave. This isn't a big a deal.
But if it's not a big deal, why have I been staring at my closet for five minutes straight for an outfit to wear to a thirty second interaction?
This is ridiculous. She probably doesn't even think the same way about me. She probably doesn't overthink her clothes or the way she looks when she knows going to see me. Why would she? I'm nothing special and I've shown her time and time again I'm not worth it.
I grab a graphic t shirt and a pair of ripped blue jeans and decide to call it good. There is no sense in stressing over this. I'm just going to walk over, grab what I need, and leave.
The walk to her apartment is only a fifteen minute walk which is nothing for someone who doesn't have a car. I recently sold my car and I told myself I would buy another one, but I enjoy walking everywhere. Especially when I live in the middle of the city where all the places I frequent are so close together.
I walk up the familiar metal staircase and I find myself thinking how strangely placed her apartment is for Seattle. Not many places here have apartments attached to other businesses, it almost reminds me of how a lot of places are in New York City. The building itself is pretty tall and it makes me wonder if this side staircase is the only entrance or if there's more to it that in just haven't seen.
I blow a breath out and open the door, walking down the long hallway and actually remembering which door is hers now that I'm sober. Number 28.
I knock and hear a faint "come in!" from the other side of the door and hesitantly turn the knob and peak inside to see her sitting at her pink desk in the corner of the space. As I walk a bit closer to sit on her couch I notice a bunch of unfamiliar materials all over the desk. A lot of crystals and wire, but also some tools and random items that I'm unsure of. So she's artsy?
Another thing to file away in the Cassie cabinet of my brain.
There's music playing in the background as usual, and it makes me feel a sense of familiarity. Almost like this wouldn't be Cassie's place if she didn't have music going. I don't recognize the song, but it sounds like an alternative rock song. I noticed she doesn't have a TV and if she has a laptop I've never seen it, so I wonder if she uses her music like someone would a TV for background noise.
Cassie turns around in her beat up desk chair and gives me a small smile as I sit down diagonally from her on the couch, resting my arm on the back and moving one leg up to turn to face her.
"I believe you're here for this?" She says with a twinkle in her eye, holding up my journal in her hand in front of her face.
"Wow, straight to business?" I give her a hard time. "No, hello? No "wow Harry thank you so much for walking all the way over here, I missed you so much"?"
"Now you're pushing it," she laughs as I take the small notebook from her hands and put it in my back pocket.
We stare at each other for a few very long seconds before I clear my throat and stand up. "Thanks for uh, respecting my privacy. I'll... see you around?"
I wait for a few more seconds for her response, but she continues to stare at me like she wants to say something. Her big blue eyes scan my face before she's reaching up at me, but then she quickly puts her hand down.
Cassie seems like she's a very touchy person. I noticed it right off the bat with Zayn, how she always had her hand on him somewhere. She was like that with her friends too, when she spoke it was like she subconsciously reached out for Gianna or Joey's hand, or when she walked with them she would throw her arm around their shoulders. Even when I saw her with Louis, she had just met him and had her hand propped up on his shoulder.
It makes me wonder why that is, or if it's just how she is and there isn't a reason for it. It's oddly comforting to see that she likes to have that personal touch with everyone. I'm noticing now that she does it to me too, even though up until a few days ago we barely even tolerated each other. But ever since I took her to the hydrangea garden and we had that moment, she realizes almost immediately what she's doing and stops. It makes me feel seen, but also a tad bit guilty.
I just don't think I have it in me to tell her why I can't stand any sort of touch. The only person who knows is Zayn and I'd like to keep it that way.
"Hey," she says nervously, putting her hand to her mouth to bite her nails. "I need your opinion. Stick around for a minute?"
My heart pounds in my chest at her question but I nod anyway and try to act like this is no big deal. I plop back down on the couch into my previous position and grin at her. "You want my opinion? I'm honored. What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?"
She rolls her eyes playfully and rolls her chair back a little so I can see what she's working on on her desk. She picks up some rose gold wiring and some sort of pink looking crystal and holds it up.
"Whatever, you're annoying. Okay look at this. Are you looking?" I laugh and nod my head at her, feeling excited that she wants my opinion on her craft even though it's obvious she's really good at it. "Good, so this—" she hands me a piece of paper that has a drawing on it —"is kind of what I want to do, but when I put it together it just doesn't fit my vision. What do you think?"
I look at the piece of sketch paper and roll my lips into my mouth trying not to laugh. She is an awful drawer. The picture is basically just a blob with a heart drawn around it that looks more like an oval and then a bunch of lines crossed over it. It looks like a three year old drew this sketch.
She catches my expression and frowns. "Look I know I'm not good at putting my ideas on paper, but it helps me. Do you see what I'm trying to do? I don't know, I shouldn't have asked, this is dumb." She tries to take the paper from me but I hold it firm in my hand, careful not to rip the paper.
I stand up from my spot on the couch and my eyes wander over her desk until I spot what I'm looking for. I pick up the pencil and look to her for permission. "May I?"
Cassie nods a bit hesitantly and I walk over to her kitchen where I can stand and do what I'm wanting to do more comfortably. I sketch out on the back of the paper a neater version of what I think she's trying to do, adding a few things that might make it more practical to make the wiring work. I don't really know anything about making jewelry, so hopefully she can make something out of this. It takes me about twenty minutes and when I walk back over to her, I see her looking at a few other crystals, tracing her fingers over the indents. I hand her the paper and she looks down at it with wide eyes.
"You saw it! You saw my vision!" She jumps up excitedly and stares at my sketch some more before sitting back down. She pulls out some more wire and gets to work while I sit back on her couch, admiring her work and the way her creative process works.
"Thank you Harry, thank you. This is going to be so good. Stick around for the finished product?" She asks hopefully. I find myself turning into a puddle at her small tone and wishful eyes, wondering how I could ever say no to that.
"Yeah, yeah," I wave her off nonchalantly. "On one condition."
"I should have seen that one coming."
"You make me something."
"Wait, really?" She seems surprised by my ask. I used to wear so much jewelry, but recently I stopped after a particularly bad month of feeling down on myself. Specifically, rings.
"Yeah. I used to wear rings all the time, haven't for a while though. Maybe I'll start again?" I cock my eyebrow at her and tilt my head.
"You got it! You're going to love it I already have so many ideas!" She looks so excited at the thought and my heart flutters a little at her reaction. I actually thought she might yell at me or have some sort of sarcastic comment thrown at me.
"So how did the meeting with Zayn go?" I make some casual conversation as she works. "Hope you didn't have to sign too many papers, but I know how Jim is."
Cassie visibly tenses and stops what's she's doing for just second but I noticed immediately something was off. "It was fine. Nothing crazy."
"Are you sure about that?" I narrow my eyes at her suspiciously.
She continues working on her pendant without looking at me once and that confirms everything for me. "It was, you know, whatever. No big deal."
I lean forward over the arm of the couch to get a better look at her face. Her gaze still doesn't meet mine. "Cassie, what are you not telling me?"
"I'm telling you everything." She rolls back in her chair and stares at her hands.
"You're an awful liar," I point out pursing my lips. "I'll find out one way or another. Zayn said it should have only been one signature, how bad can it be?"
She nervously plays with her hands and nods, letting out a "Yep" and popping the p at the end. Zayn didn't tell me anything. He just said he'll handle it and not to worry.
"Come on Cassie," I growl in frustration. "Zayn didn't tell me anything, so now I know for a fact you're lying. I won't be mad, not at you. This is my mess and- and I just want to keep you safe." I say that last part quietly, more to myself, but I'm sure she heard me.
"Don't be upset with me." She still stays staring at her lap and if I didn't know any better I'd say she looks scared. This can't be good.
"I won't, go on," I urge her.
"I'm meeting with one of your clients on Wednesday. Jim wants to make me an accomplice. All I have to do is convince him to continue business with your boss. If I succeed, I get a reward. If I fail, nothing happens." She's practically whispering as she speaks.
I immediately feel my blood boil. There's a reason Jim usually meets with clients by himself. Shit can get dangerous, fast. These are people who do not fuck around with money or product. This is serious shit and not something someone like her should be anywhere near. Why the fuck didn't Zayn or Jim talk to me about this?
I stand up from my spot on the floor and start pacing, planning out how I'm going to get her out of this. I don't even notice right away that Cassie has stood up too, but she's slightly hunched over next to her desk watching me.
"That fucking bastard. They both knew I didn't want you near the business. Don't worry, you're not doing anything for them," I huff out as I stop to run my hands through my hair.
"No Harry, it's fine really. I'm good. Zayn gave me a script, I have everything planned. Please, Zayn promised me not to tell you. He's going to be so mad at me." I take a few steps towards her unable to control the anger I'm feeling right now. Not really at her, I know she's just doing what she needs to do to rid herself of anything looming over her head. But right now, she's the one standing in front of me so of course she's going to get the brunt of how I'm feeling.
"I don't care if Zayn is going to be mad at you Cassie! Do you realize the depth of what you agreed to? He might have made this seem like a casual dinner date but it's not! You don't fucking get it!" I raise my voice at her and lift my hand to rub at my eyes but I stop in my tracks when I see her flinch and hold her hand to her face.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she says scrunching her face, like she's preparing for the worst. I turn around walk away from her, so she knows I'm not going to hurt her. What the fuck was that about?
"Did you think I was going to hit you Cassie?" I ask incredulously. "Why would you ever think that?"
"I don't want to talk about it," she says stiffly.
I decide to let it go for now, not wanting to make her any more uncomfortable than she already is. One thing at a time.
"I have to go to Voodoo right now. This can't wait, I'm going to get you out of this," I promise her.
"Harry wait," she stops me, holding her hand out like she does when she searches for that physical touch, but again puts her hand down. "Stay for a minute. You need to calm down. Zayn is your best friend and Jim is an important person in your life. Don't go in there all pissed and yelling, it'll only make things worse. Do what you feel like you have to do, but just calm down before you go."
I fight an internal battle with myself wanting nothing more than to barge through the doors demanding they find another way, but I know she's right. Zayn and Jim won't hear me out if I go in there screaming at them. I take a deep breath and sit on the couch where she sits next to me on the opposite end.
"Okay, I'll stay. Don't be scared of me. I'm sorry for that," I say quietly.
"I'm not scared of you," she says and it does sound genuine, which makes me relax a bit more in my seat. "I just don't do well with yelling. But hey, that's my problem."
Her statement brings a whole list of invasive questions to my head, but of course I would never ask. I make a mental note to keep myself in check when I'm around her. I never want to see that look on her face ever again as long as I'm around.
After taking a few minutes to calm down, I think I've got a solid plan in my head to bring to Jim and Zayn as an alternative. I feel a lot more level headed now that I've had a chance to breathe and I'm grateful that I listened to Cassie because I'm realizing now I completely overreacted.
Before I leave, there is one last thing I need to say to her.
"Hey, Cassie?" She looks over at me from picking at her cuticles. "I'm sorry about what happened a few weeks ago. That stupid fight we had while we were smoking on your balcony. I didn't mean what I said. I was stressed about work and I took it out on you. I didn't expect to not hate you."
She laughs at that last part nodding along in agreement. "Yeah I didn't expect to not hate you either. It's all good, I don't hold grudges. Friends?" She sticks her hand out for a handshake and I laugh at the gesture, but hesitantly take her hand in mine after a second.
We shake hands and then find ourselves lingering, staring at each other for a little too long. We share a moment, an unspoken truce between us and I find myself in a trance over her blue eyes once again. There's just something about her that has me a little obsessed and it only gets worse every time I see her, but I don't know what to make of it. I consider leaning over to kiss her, but the moment just doesn't feel right. She's vulnerable and I'm upset. Even though we've kissed before, just a few days ago, that was different. It was all lust and anger. So after a few more seconds I pull away and clear my throat.
"Friends," I nod. I stand up and start to walk towards her door, but before I put my hand on the door knob I turn around to speak to her. "I still want to see that finished product. And I'll also be expecting my original Cassie ring." I give her a wink and she giggles at me and waves.
"Call me?" She calls out before the door shuts.
I give her a thumbs up through the door and shut it softly behind me.
I really hope this goes well. I have a feeling I'm not going to get what I want out of this. I just have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to keep her safe and no matter what I'll make sure that happens.
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listen i know i said updates would start coming weekly again but oh boy has it been a busy time!
i got to see harry in palm springs and had the best night of my life! happy bday harry!!!
also, CONGRATS TO OUR 3x GRAMMY WINNER!!! SO PROUD OF OUR BEST FRIEND!!!
the story is starting to pick up a bit!!
also wanted to point out that i know this book covers some heavy topics, and i want everyone to know i would never write something to intentionally hurt someone reading. please call me out if i need more trigger warnings, or you feel something is distasteful. i will say a lot of the personal touches on this story come from experience, and i try my best to showcase that through my writing.
as always, thanks for reading <3