Two days later, my father and I still haven't spoken. We are too proud to do that. I feel bad about it because maybe I could just go to him and clear things up. But I am so much my father's daughter. I never do the first step. Usually, it's him that tries to move forwards with me. Like, asking about something I like to do, watch or eat. He is used to coming at me and saying: do you want to watch The Greatest Showman? Knowing it is my favourite movie and I say yes. Because I also want to make things up.
My mom was the one with the patience. She always knew what words to use, soft and right. She was the middle between me and my father. Somehow, she always finds out how to make either me or my father apologize. Now that she is not here anymore, we don't know how to do it.
But maybe I can take the lead, this time. And see how things will go.
It's Friday and today I have the date with Kevin. How do I feel? Like someone who is waiting for the day to be already over. I know I shouldn't feel like this and I should feel excited but I have realized that I want to focus on studying. I need to finish this year and go away from everything and everyone.
So I will delete Tinder after the date. I will never hear from Kevin anymore and I can start to have my life under control.
I am still in bed. I am searching for the mood to leave it, get ready, and go to university. I puff as soon as my feet touch the cold floor. I hate sleeping with socks but I also hate the freezing morning ground so I quickly put on my slippers and I stand up, going to the living room where I will leave a note to my father. Starting the long process to fix things up.
Hi, dad.
I am sorry that we still haven't made things up.
The problem is the way to talk to me and probably it's the same with me.
We are still father and daughter.
I don't wanna put you out of my life but if I chose to not tell you anything it was just because I didn't feel to. I needed to wait for things to be sure.
Anyway, I will tell you everything tomorrow.
Love you, En.
We have this weird tradition to write each other things on a post-it to tell us something important. We never fight over notes, they take too long to write. We rarely use texts, only when we know that the other can't speak because we usually use calls. It feels more real. Behind a text can always feel like someone is angry when maybe they are not. That's why both of us hate the texting thing and we use notes because you only have to use a few words and calls, so you can hear the voice.
I leave the notes there and go back to my room to finally get ready to go to class but I am ready five minutes before the lesson starts, so I am late, as usual.
«There you are! I had almost fight to this skinny girl for your sit.»
I am still trying to breathe. I had to run to be at least only ten minutes late. I am sweaty and my hair is sticky on my forehead. Antonio is looking at me like he had to fight his life for this sit.
I look at him sideways. «Everyone knows here where I sit and that I am always late. Who is she? Probably someone stupid or new.»
He points with nonchalance to a sit not that far away from me. When I turn around, I can see her already looking at me and I feel chills all over my body. She is probably new, I have never seen her. Why she should start the course after two months? She seems like a Tim Burton character. She has this long black hair and really light eyes but I can't see the colour from here. What I can see is the way she is skinny and not the way I thought with Antonio's words. She has pale skin and her face is hollowed out with dark circles highlighted. I feel my stomach rolling and I quickly turn myself back around. It seems like that girl has had the worst days of her life.
«Are you okay?»
I nod to Antonio but I don't answer. I try to focus on the lesson but I can't. I can feel her eyes on me like she already knows who I am and that she hates me. I decided that at the end of the lesson, I will talk with her. Her face is still installed in my mind and I don't think she is new; she probably skipped lessons for a good, terrible reason. Antonio doesn't see my anxiety or if he does, he says nothing. He is chewing the pen's tap as his habit to bit things. Once, I was with him and Giacomo and he had to take off a straw from his boyfriend's mouth because he was cutting his gums. Antonio doesn't do it for stress or nervousness, he just does it without even noticing it. Or if he does it for stress, he doesn't know it.
When the lesson is over, I am already standing up but when I turn around, I can see that the girl is already gone. I sigh and huff, going back to pack my things under Antonio's eyes.
«Do you want to fight her?»
«No, Tonio. I just want to talk with her.»
«How come?»
I put on my coat, take the bag and go down the stairs. «No reason.»
«You never do something without a reason.»
That's not true. «Pure curiosity.»
«Of what?»
I don't answer that. We both reach the hallway but then I start to walk fast to the cafeteria. I need coffee. Since I was late this morning, I couldn't have one at home. I don't like the one here but I still need caffeine. Antonio is trying to reach me but I am too fast. When I am nervous and overthinking, I usually do that. It is like by walking quickly my mind shut up. But it never works.
When I reach the cafeteria, in the line there is the girl. Right in front of me. She is waiting for her turn to order. Now that she is so close to me, I suddenly don't know how to talk so I just wait for her to take her order and then get mine. But then she turns around, facing me. I shiver. She has almost all of her face covered by her hair and she has bangs. Her eyes are really light and the colour is green. They seem to like diamonds, diamonds with no feeling and they are looking at me like they are studying me.
«Hm, hi?» I try but she doesn't speak.
She leaves disappearing behind a bewildered Antonio. When I face him, I snort and go back to the men behind the coffee machine. I feel so stupid. Why she should talk to me? And why do I want to talk with her? I pick up my coffee and I turn around, where my best friend is still waiting for some words.
«I don't know, Antonio. I just have the feeling she is living hell. I just wanted to be friendly.»
«Do you think she has been trow what you have been into?»
I raise my shoulders. «I don't know. It is just a weird combination of events.»
What I have been into after my mom's death was the worst of my life. The deepest I could have reached. I am so lucky to be alive. To have had amazing people around helping me and this is all I want to try to do to her but maybe she already has someone and I am just overreacting.
Antonio clicks his tongue and together we walk back to the next lesson.
«So, how do you feel about today?» He changes the subject.
«What's today?» I fake.
He makes a fake laugh. «How funny.»
«You already know how I feel about today.»
«Come on, Enede. Try at least to fake excitement.»
«Oh my god yes! Yes! I can't wait to see him! He is probably the love of my life! Yes!»
The whole hallway is looking at me while I am screaming those words like I am in a teen movie. Antonio is hushing me and trying to stop me from moving that much. I laugh after my words and I stop, sipping my coffee.
«You're so annoying.»
«And you still love me.»
He smiles and nods before giving me a little hug and then we go into the class. When we sit I look around. Thinking about the studies. Is it normal to have a moment in your life when you don't know where to go? What to be? If you made the right choice? If you can reach the goal? I don't know. Sometimes I think that I should have stopped at high school and gone directly to work. Now only God knows where I would have been. There are so many things to do, before the degree and I don't know if I can reach all of them. Even if I love the faculty I picked, I still feel like I could have done better in my life. I would probably not end this year the way I want to. And I am so sad about it because I promised my mom I would reach the goal for her. After three years of university, doubts are never underestimated. You have to think about a lot of stuff: prepare the thesis, and the exams, ask for internships and choose the rapporteurs. It seems like everything is overlaying and I don't know how to organize myself.
Antonio seems to feel my trance mood and he pats me on my shoulder, putting my focus on him.
«Are you okay?»
I sigh and shake my head. «I don't think I will pass the year.»
«Stop it. What are you saying?»
«Call it a feeling.»
And this feeling would be real but this is just another chapter.
I am facing my closet since too much. I don't know what I am waiting for since these are all the dresses I own. Maybe I am waiting for the thing to just throw at me some good outfit so I don't have to think about it. I don't even know what kind of outfit I should wear. Not something too comfortable, or too elegant, something casual, and of course not something sexy. I feel like I don't date in my whole life... even if it is like this.
My last serious boyfriend is from my sixteen. It lasted 6 months and I broke up with him for astral incompatibility. I am not into astrology but when I heard his sign was cancer I just couldn't. I can accept everything but not them. It is the only one I can't handle, neither in friendship nor a relationship.
Anyway. I am still looking at my closet but then I decide to stop it. I will wait for Antonio and Giacomo to help me. They should be here in a few minutes. I turn around and take a look over my open laptop. There is the thesis folder and it is empty. I created them at the start of the year but I never used them even if I should. And this again brings me the thought of a probable failure of the year. I close the laptop with a quick move and lay on the bed facing the filling. I would like to have a magic ball to see in nine months where I am. If I have finally reached the end of the year I decided to try next year.
Someone rings the intercom and I stand up with a num and run toward the door. I don't answer, I know it is Antonio and Giacomo so I just press the buttons to open the gates and then I wait behind the door.
Then when they ring the bell, I open the door. The two of them are in front of me, smiling. Antonio has the Starbucks bag so caffeine backup has arrived too. I move and let them go inside my house, asking sorry to Giacomo for the mess around.
«I am used to Antonio, don't worry.»
Antonio flicks a hand in the air. «I am not messy. That's my tidy.»
«Leaving boxers around like Pollicino used to leave crumbs it's not being tidy.»
I laugh at Giacomo's joke but Antonio is not and it is even funnier. I sink my hand into a Starbucks bag to pick up my order. I know this isn't right to call coffee but I like Starbucks coffee when I need to relax. I love the Italian one but it is so strong and I prefer to have it in the morning or when I need to stay awake.
We are in my room and Antonio is taking a look at my closet. «At what time is the date?»
I think about it. «We didn't give us a time.»
Antonio is now facing me like I am suddenly low and squat. «What do you mean?»
«He told me I could pick a time but then I never decided.»
«At what time the show ends?»
I take my phone and do a quick research on google and when I read 19:30 I am stunned. It's 16:30 and we need at least one hour to take a look at the show, so we should be there at least at 17:30 so which means I should be ready in less than an hour.
I face Antonio, waiting for me. «Seven thirty.»
«What the hell, Enede!»
«I had no clue they close so early!»
«Text him and ask if it is okay to meet at five-thirty. We will try to do a miracle by that time.»
I look at him badly for his we will try to do a miracle and then I take a look at my reflection wondering why he said that. I let it go and I open Tinder to text Kevin.
To: Kevin
Is it okay for you to meet us there at 17:30?
He doesn't reply quickly so I leave the phone with Antonio and I go to the bathroom to get ready. I am doing my make-up when I hear the ring from my room. I yell at my best friend to read the text while I try to not wash my face and start all over again. I hate the make-up I just did.
«He says that's okay and that he will wait for you until six, knowing you're always late.»
I stop by putting on mascara and look at myself in the mirror. How funny. «Answer with a joke or whatever. I have not time to follow his stupid jokes.»
«That's not a stupid joke, it's a fact.»
«Tonio.»
«Okay, okay. I am answering.»
I go back to my face and I refuse to put on eyeliner. I prefer simply make-up. I don't wanna look over-prepared for an art show where I don't even know the artist. I searched on google and his works look amazing and for that, I don't want to look out of the theme. My usual make-up is okay, it is also the way I show up on Tinder. Gosh. I sound like those Wattpad characters where the main characters boast of her being simply beautiful. Not here. Between prepared or not I would still look like someone who slept just two hours the whole night. That's why I don't feel attractive and I have only had one boyfriend in my life. No one has ever approached me and there should be a reason why at twenty-one years old I am still single and a virgin. I have always told myself that the right one hasn't shown up yet but maybe this is the excuse I give to myself to not admit that I am a loser and there is no other reason if not being unfriendly and ugly.
«Enede?»
Giacomo's voice stops my thoughts. I have realized that I still have the iron in my head but none of my hair has been done. I turn my head and I face him. «Yeah?»
«Would you rather dressed casually like my nanny or sexy as hell?»
«Did Antonio tell you to say this to me?» I reply unwilling.
Giacomo nods. «I love your style but I have never seen you dressed up for a date, so I don't know what to think.»
I stare at him. «I don't wanna look like a slut or that I am asking for it.»
Giacomo smiles at me and then he just disappears, going back into my room. I trust more him than my best friend. Antonio has this crazy style that I love but only on him. I like to feel beautiful but I don't fancy other eyes on me. I have never liked getting attention on me or to look like on in the right place. In an art gallery, people dress up in different ways. I don't even know what Kevin will wear and I would like to match him but I have to wait for the surprise.
When I am finished with my face and my hair, I take e long sigh into my reflection. I lightly curled my hair and the simple makeup looks good. I go back into my room, a little bit worried, I see an outfit laid down on my bed and it is not bad. I actually like it a lot.
«Giacomo picked it. He bad me to touch your clothes», huffs Antonio while he adjusts his blouse under the pullover dark red. I smile at both of them while Giacomo is putting a pair of loafers on the floor, to complete my outfit: a white simple pullover, with a black shirt, and tights of the same colour then he adds white socks, probably optional. I like this outfit a lot. It seems to be elegant, casual, and good-looking altogether. My style.
I got closer to the bed. «And I am glad you let him do it.»
«I had no doubts. Until you're dressed as a grandma, you're fine.»
Giacomo turns over to Antonio, with a rough expression on his face. «She has to go to an Art Gallery, not to a disco. You don't dress up as a slut to go there. Plus, she wants to stay in her comfort zone, can't you just let it go? Why do you have to judge?»
I am surprised by the attitude of that guy and I am looking speechless.
«I am not judging. She is such a beautiful girl but she hides.»
«It is not hiding, Antonio. This is my style. I think it looks good on me and I like it. You have yours and it is amazing. I have never said anything about it even if I think sometimes it is too much.»
Antonio is now silent and facing away. I know how much it has been hard for him to find his place in the world after the coming out. I don't see why he has to be this unsupportive when he should know what it feels like. He knows that I like the simple and appear too much. At the start, I thought he criticized it because he wanted to dress like me but then I realized that his words were real and just because, as he said, he find me a beautiful girl and he would love to see my dress in different things.
Without interrupting the silence, I take my dress and lock myself in the bathroom, wearing it. I spend five deep minutes because I don't want to break my tights and then I spend some more minutes deciding if to wear them or not white socks concluding to try them with the shoes.
«See? Isn't she beautiful like this?» says Giacomo smiling at me when I come out of the bathroom and then he puts behind me when I face the mirror to see what I look like. The white pullover has a little v-neck and I like that I don't have big boobs so they don't show too much.
I try the white socks and I stick with them because they look good. I turn around and look at Antonio. I am still waiting for his real thought on this outfit.
«You look good», he says coming at me. «I am sorry. You're right. Each of us has our style and our way to express ourselves. I shouldn't push you that much.»
«Thank you.»
It is five thirty-five and all three of us are facing the Palazzo Reale. We are late of five minutes because Giacomo halfway remembered he forgot his phone at my place and he has the ticket there. He wanted to pay all of us, I still don't know why but I let him do it just because he got mad when I tried to insist to pay mine and also because he had some coupon he needed to use.
When we are actually in front of the main door, I start panicking and remembering all the reasons why I shouldn't be here. Both Antonio and Giacomo can feel my stress they try to push me.
«We go inside first so we are going to be already inside if you want to go away.»
I nod and we go across the control check and then I stop a little bit before the official entrance.
I wait for Antonio and Giacomo to be as far away enough to step in without seeming like I am following them or I am with them. The space around me is so peaceful. There aren't a lot of people and those who are present, are walking and murmuring. I can't hear a single word from them. There are couples, friends, and solos. But what I am searching for still hasn't appeared in front of my eyes. Maybe because I am expecting someone who looks like a murderer and not a normal guy of my age. When my eyes meet him, I hold my breath. It can't be possible. I take my phone, open Tinder, and take a look at the photos. He is the same. Kevin is actually Kevin. He didn't lie to me. He doesn't seem like a murderer. He is a lot awesome.
I move into the room, in his direction, trying to be as quiet as possible. When I reach his side, I look over at him and he is smiling as soon as I made my appearance. Damn. He is really gorgeous.
«You're late.»
Shit. His voice just rumbles in my ears; it's down and raspy, probably to not sound too loud.
I straighten my back and smile. «Only five minutes. It's a record.»
He chuckles and he finally faces me. I swallow and try to hold my thoughts on him. He has green eyes and they are analyzing me like he would love to read my mind but I would rather him not do it, he would be the one to run if he just hears them. And his blonde curly hair is stylized with gel and just one little curl is out of the hairstyle but he seems unbothered about it and he leaves it there.
I don't wanna x-ray him but I have noticed the way he dressed. He has a white smooth blouse with the two first buttons unbuttoned, black simply pants and white sneakers - either new or well maintained - which personally are my favourites. I don't like loafers on men but I would have accepted them on him.
«You know that you look even better in person?»
When I realised what I just said, my face turns all red and I have to cover it with my hair and my hands. What the hell am I thinking about? I should stop saying weird stuff like this.
I hear him grinning. «You neither look that bad.»
Good thing that he can take jokes as well as he says them. My skin goes back to its normal colour and then I realised how is it possible.
I tilt my head by looking at him. «There is something off.»
He looks confused. «What do you mean?»
I push my head back to straight. «I mean, where is the trick? You look good, you like art, and you can dress well. Where is the knife? Your helpers?»
A little shadow passes over Kevin's face but it is so quick that I must have just imagined that. Maybe it is because I am saying so many random things and he trying to box them all.
But then he smiles. «Don't worry, I have flaws too. A lot of them.»
I squint my eyes but then I let the conversation end so I can focus on having a mature normal conversation.
Kevin leans his hand in front of me, to make me sign to walk and move to see more of the painting. For some minutes, silence surrounds us and it is okay. It is like both we have thought to feed or maybe just me. I am sure he dated a lot of girls, so he is probably used to these moments.
«May I ask what you study at University?» His voice finally breaks the quiet and I feel relieved he did it.
«Modern literature,» I answer looking at him.
Kevin smiles while we are still walking and passing in front of some paints. «It sounds interesting. Are you graduating this year?»
I scoff and I don't answer. I don't even know the answer. Too many doubts and I don't want to point out my existence issues to a person I have just met. I don't even want to ruin our first -and probably last- date.
I decide to shrug as an answer while I stop in front of a big painting divided I three parts. There is the centre part, the left and the panel. I try to analyse it but art is not my big thing, so I go to the caption. The painting's name is Triptych of the Temptation of St. Anthony. On the left, there is Christ's arrest; on the right panel there is still Jesus but this time He is climbing to Calvary, holding the cross. Around him is crowded and there are people either cheering him or insulting him. The Triptych of the Temptation of St. Anthony is the main thing in the central panel.
«What's wrong?»
«Nothing. Just thoughts. And this painting is really cool.»
He is looking at me like he wants the real answer. He didn't even flick on the paint.
I sigh. «I just don't know if I am doing the right thing.»
«School paths are never easy. But they make you satisfied when you finish them.»
«Did you graduate?»
He nods. «Yes, in law.»
I almost stumble. Law? I have a lawyer or a judge next to me. Damn. I am not feeling well. I am looking at him, like waiting for him to say this is a joke or at least explain better his answer but he just stays quiet. What if he just lied about it? Just to make me feel flattered?
«I am not saying it to flatter you. I actually graduated from law school two years ago. I was working in my father's studio but now I don't have a job and it's my choice.»
«Too much money and nothing to do?» I laugh but he is not.
«I have met obstacles in my work life. I had to stop otherwise it would have ended badly for me.»
«What do you mean?»
We are now walking around. We are not even looking at the paints anymore and I can't take my mind over his last words. He always says these weird things that have this double meaning but I never get one of them. He keeps this mysterious character and I am starting to feel tired of it. I take a look around, without making myself too obvious and I see my friend not that far away from me, looking at the painting they have in front, holding their hands. I smile. They are so cute and I really hope they will one day go away from here and go to a place where they will be welcomed more and get married. And I hope also I can one day go away.
«Are you hungry?» It's Kevin changing the subject of our argument, as always when he gets too much attention from his personal life. I am tired of trying to play the detective part. Maybe he just had a really bad past and he is trying to not think about it. But I still should keep my distance. I also keep my private things to myself so, we're the same.
I look over my clock. It's early for dinner and I am not that hungry.
«Maybe for a hot cocoa.»
Kevin smiles and nods but I have somehow to check on my friends and tell them everything is okay and that we're leaving. I don't wanna use the phone and neither goes to them. I am looking around: the entrance is after them, so we have to pass them so I decide they can understand what is going on. I and Kevin are walking next to each other and when I pass my friends, I stan up the thumb on my back, hoping they see it. And when I am about to go out, I check on them and they are looking at me nodding.
Outside the sky is already dark and Kevin and I are sitting outside the Bar Duomo and I am trying to warm up in front of this boiling hot cocoa. We started to talk about some random stuff and I forgot where we started.
«You're not Italian, right?»
I shake my head even if I remember I already told him. «British. I've been here for ten years.»
He nods, remembering. «London,» he says and I nod. «I am from Notting Hill.»
«How is it? I have never been there. I actually never left the chaotic London until moving here.»
Kevin smiles taking a sip of his long coffee. «Quiet city.»
«And since when you live here in Milan?»
«Since I was eighteen. I finished high school in England and then I decided to follow my father here and graduated.»
«Your father works here?»
«He is Italian.»
I am surprised by that revelation. I didn't know. I mean, he never told me.
Kevin is looking at me studying my reaction and he grins. «You should have understood that my last name is Italian.»
«I didn't think about it.» And I do it now. Adonis. I didn't know it was an Italian name if I am going, to be honest. I look at him trying to make him understand that.
«I know it is an unusual last name but I can assure you it's Italian.»
I mentally note the last name so I can think about it. «What's your father's name? And why do you have an English name?»
«I have two names. My father's name is Giuseppe. My name is Kevin Antonio Adonis but I hate my second name, it doesn't match me. My father always told me I look too much like my mom, totally British.»
I swallow the cocoa and I smile when he nominated his mom. «What's her name?»
«Elisabeth Smith. Casual English name and last name. She is the best woman in the world. She has always been next to me, and never doubts me. When my father wasn't around, she spoiled me knowing she couldn't with my father.»
I am listening to him while I finish my hot cocoa with my chin on my hand. Suddenly, I don't feel this date was awkward. I am liking talking with him. It is also good to listen and not talk. Usually, it's me talking about my life but I prefer listening. It is less heavy. Kevin is also very charming when he talks about his life, even if it always seems like he is forgetting something.
«He always wanted a tough son, cold and ready to fight the world. And I am. But thank my mom I also have a soft side that hides my being like him.»
«I think all boys' fathers are like this. I am one child and a girl. My father treats me like a weak and helpless.»
«I think all girls' fathers are like this,» he funnily repeats my world. «And are you?»
«Am I what?»
«A helpless and weak princess?»
I raise my shoulder. «I don't know. I have never faced a situation where I had to prove this. I don't find myself a weak girl and I can take care of myself.»
He absorbs my words like he is testing me on something but he doesn't say a word. We both have finished our orders and I am enjoying Milan's quietness of that time, where there are people having breaks, who are going around the city and those who are going back home. When I turn my head back, Kevin is checking on me.
I try not to blush. «Are you okay?»
«Yeah. It's just that I am glad I'm here.»
Fly down, Enede. «Sweet from you. I thought this would have been a failure.»
«The opposite. I would like to see you again.»
Nop. There is a trick. I can feel it. «Mh, are you sure?»
He takes my answer unprepared. «Why are you asking?»
«I mean. I can totally look like a quiet girl but this is a cover just to make the appearance.»
«Everyone has flaws,» he says again.
«Of course, but sometimes they are not easy to handle.»
«Believe me, you would run away if you know.»
«Try me.»
But he doesn't. I don't even know if this is a safe conversation to have on a first date. He wants to see me again but I don't know if I want to. Not because I didn't enjoy today, but the quiet opposite. I just feel there are too many empty spots in both lives. He doesn't care about me not telling anything about my personal life but still, I do. I care. I am afraid I am getting myself into something I couldn't handle. He seems too perfect, and the downfall hit harder when everything is too perfect.
I know I should let myself go. Maybe if I give this a second thing, I can understand better. Maybe by just one date, I can't tell if I would like this or not. I know I told myself I would delete Tinder and never talk with him again, but on the other hand, I don't want to risk something that can actually be good.
So I decide. «All right.»
Kevin seems happy about my decision and maybe next time I can try not to bring Antonio and Giacomo with me, so I can handle the situation by myself.
Then he hands me his phone. «I hate Tinder.»
I hesitate about this action. He wants my number. And actually, I also hate Tinder. Ugh. What should I do? I look at the phone and then at him. I take courage and I hold the phone and by doing that I almost touched his hand. I put my number and I give it back.
He takes the phone, looks at it while he does something, and then my phone rings. «Now both of us have no excuse.»
Yeah, it's like we are trapped in this. I nod and I save his number on my phone too by just Kevin. I would like to bet on which of us will text the other first.
The guy in front of me checks his clock and then he looks at me. «I am really sorry but I have to do. I have an important dinner with my father and some of his friends. If I don't go, he could kill me.»
I don't see the funny side in the sentence and after what he told me about his father, I can imagine that so I stand up. I don't wanna make him waste any more time and I want to go back home too. He insists to pay for both of us and I hate it. I discuss stayed determined about it, I also tried to be the quickest but as the same with my father, he paid with the phone. I should put my card on the phone too, damn it.
When we leave the bar, I am still discussing him. «Next time, I will pay. Or you won't have a second date.»
He chuckles. «Okay. Only if you are not late.»
«Stop it. I am not that much a later.»
The silence confirms the opposite. «Okay I am but next time I won't, I promise.»
«If you arrive even just one minute late, I pay.»
I show off my hand. «Deal.»
His grip is firm but not that much to hurt me. When I look down over our hands, I can see his being dry and broken, mostly on the knuckles. I go back to face him. Of course, I won't let him bring me home, I am okay with walking and I hope he doesn't ask me because I don't want to be rude.
«I know you don't want me to know where you live, so I can't kill you in the night.»
I fake a laugh. «Of course, it can always happen.»
But still, none of us is moving. It is like we don't want to leave or maybe none of us wants to do the first step, but then he does it. «See you next time, Enede.» He comes down to give me a cheek kiss and do the same by putting myself on tiptoe and when I am back, he is already far away. In some minutes, I don't see him anymore.
He is awesome but also very weird.
While I am passing the centre city, Antonio calls me probably to ask me how it went and if I am alive. I laugh when I hear Giacomo in the background saying: if she wasn't alive, she wouldn't have answered.
«It's all right. We went to drink something and we talk.»
«About what?»
«A lot of stuff.»
Antonio is quiet for a while. «Is there something you're hiding?»
I turn the corner and I put myself in the street of my house. «No. I mean, I don't know. It seems too much-»
«Hot? Handsome? Smart? Tall? Good looking?»
«Tonio! Come on. It's just that I have this feeling I am putting myself in something bigger than my life.»
«I know but give it a try. If you see too weird things, just stop it.»
I nod even if I know he can't see me but he probably feels it. I am in front of my building's door when I say bye to Antonio and I go inside. I took the stairs, so I can have more time to think about it and to also decide what to say to my father. I know he is probably waiting for me and that he would like to know something and I don't know what to tell him. With my mom would have been easier but I guess easy is not a word I can put in m life.
When I step into the house, the silence is broken by the kitchen noises and my father quickly hears me so he stops what he is doing and he came to me. I am taking off my shoes when he appeared. He has a wet rag on his hand and the same old apron that he wears since I have memories.
He smiles and greets me. «You look so beautiful.»
I guess he read the note. I don't if he answered on the back, as we usually do but he surely read it. He doesn't ask me anything and he is like waiting for me to say something. I put the coat in its place and then I follow my father back to the dining room. A good smell hit my nose and I just notice how hungry I am now.
«Have you already eaten?»
I shake my head while looking at the pans to see what's inside. He cooked also for me, of course. Even if he didn't know if I ate or not, he thought about me. Probably he thought that I could have eaten it tomorrow. He cooked meatballs with tomato sauce. His best. I have loved them since I was a kid.
My father stands next to me. «Good, so you can join me.»
«How was work?»
I take my seat at the table already set with also my things and I sigh relieved that tonight Marina is not here. Not because I don't want her, but because I want a moment alone with my father.
His voice is far away from the kitchen. «Good. There was not a lot to do but the Christmas period is starting and I can already see the hall full.»
I look at my father baffled. I know that being a doctor is hard and I can't even imagine how it feels to see so many injured people or dead people in just one day. But I still cannot understand why my father has to do mostly the big.
«I hope not.»
My dad comes with two plates in his hand and heads out one in front of me before sitting. I smile seeing how good this look and I can't wait a single minute to start eating.
«It's like this all year. From the 24 on at the hospital, quietness is not a thing.»
«I hope that at least this year we can celebrate together,» I say sighing and moving the fork around on the plate.
Every year my father has to run away between the 24 and the 25 for some emergency where some crazy one has drunk too much, played too much with fireworks, or driven drunk. When mom was alive, I had her. Now? I always end up alone. If he leaves, with whom I am going to stay? Probably this year Marina will join us since I and her have made up. But still, I want my father.
«I am trying to convince the others to take my turn or at least to put me as the second emergency number.»
I nod even if I already know the end of this. My father is both the boss and the best one so it is really hard to handle it. There are some other people almost as good as him, but they are not him. And when a situation is too dangerous, he becomes the first emergency number.
Then silence surrounds us. I know I should say something about the date with Kevin but I don't if I feel to do it. It's like by telling it, I am making it official and it's not what I want.
But then I decide. «He asked to see him again.»
I don't know if this sentence wakes up something in my father's brain but if it does, he doesn't let me see it. «And what would you like to do?»
I shrug and look down at my food, soaking a piece of bread in tomato sauce. «I think I will go. Maybe with just one date, I cannot know if it's good or not.»
«Now I will tell you something really funny.»
I smile. I've always loved my father's stories. Mostly if they are about mom.
«When your mom and I meet the first time it wasn't actually the first time. Back in my time, online meeting apps didn't exist and neither did phones but there were blind dates. Where they were literally in dark places.
«I decided to join one just for fun. I just turned eighteen and my family was pressing me to find a woman. I had to start university and I didn't have time for girls. I thought about it for a while and then I decided to give it a try. When I was there, I skipped I think five girls. Until one girl, that I have never forgotten about, came.»
I am looking at my father in shock. It cannot be possible. My father and my mother met on a blind date? I am not believing it. «You're lying.»
«Why should I? I would never say something that would push you toward this guy,» he winks and I think about it.
He is right. But if he is saying this to me, it's to put something more in my mom's memories and not to push me to see Kevin again.
My father smirks. «She didn't introduce herself. She sat and said: please, tell me that you're here because you're parents want to see you first married and then with a job.
And I smiled even if I knew she couldn't see me. It was incredible how there was someone so similar to me and not knowing anything about her.
«She kept saying: I don't even know what to do with my life, how could I know whom to marry? Even if I will love someone. And at that moment I decided that I wanted to be the person who changed her mind. But she never came again. I went there literally ten times.»
I open my mouth, in shock. Ten times? My father went on ten different blind dates just to meet my mom again. And he didn't even know her name. I look at him, waiting for him to go on.
«Now you're wondering: how did I meet her again if I didn't know her face or anything about her? The answer is pretty easy: when I met her again, I didn't know she was the one from the blind date. Do you know when we found out? At our marriage.
«She was talking about some of her exes and then she said about this blind date. What made me remember her was when she said to me: My parents are probably happy. They saw me first married and then with a job.»
A tear falls from my cheek right into my mouth and I didn't notice I was tearing until I felt it in my mouth. This is so melting but also so beautiful. The way life put yourself on your soulmate and no matter what, you need to meet them in whatever way possible. My father and my mom were made to be together, so who was in charge to divide them? Who decided that my mom had to die? Was this her destiny? She deserved way more. And now I am crying.
«Oh no, Enede.» My father is now next to me, hugging me, absorbing my tears and my pain. «This was not the purpose of the conversation.»
I know it but I feel so overwhelmed. Like in a week, I have lived ten years of my life. I miss mom and now with this story, I just felt her so close to me like I haven't since she died.
My dad is still holding me tight, I don't know if he is crying too but I am sure he is feeling my pain.
«I am sorry,» I sob while hiding my head in his chest. «I just miss her so much.»
«I know princess, I know. I miss her too. Every day, every second. But she is looking at us, she is happy to see that we are okay, that we are moving on. She is probably laughing at how stupid we look right now. Crying over a funny memory of her. She used to say: if you cry because you remembered me falling, that it means my efforts were null.»
And I believe in it. My mom used to say these things when she knew she had cancer. We wanted to remember her as the way she was: funny, extrovert, with no heavy thought. She would have never liked to see me cry for her. Even if it is okay to be sad about someone passing away, she always told me: if you will cry for me, I will be sad. Then I needed to stop crying for her. I need to stop caring about all this upsetting stuff about her on my shoulders. She is gone. I have to accept it and move on with my life. I know that but probably at this moment, I have realised how much I have not lived since she was gone.
I calm myself while my dad is sitting next to me, caressing my head. «I am sure I want to see Kevin again.»
He listens to me but he says nothing. I know his purpose in that story was not to push me to date Kevin again but I felt like I need to live more and care less.
I look up at him. «I think I need to start living again. To be my age again. And it also means to date guys I may like.»
He smiles. «I am not happy about this but I agree.»
We hug again and I decide to sleep with him, tonight. When we have conversations about my mom, I am afraid of nightmares so I sleep where she used to sleep and feel safe next to my father. We don't hug or anything like this, but if I ever wake up in the middle of the night, I won't feel terrified of being alone surrounded by my nightmare demons.
I also decided to text Kevin, the morning after. And tell him that I am totally up for meeting again.
—
AUTHOR'S SPACE.
After a long time, I finally posted the third chapter of the story. Here we have finally the first date of Kevin and Enede. I know that you may think it is a bit too early but there are a lot of things that will happen that will bring you to think: can we go back to the first date?
I am planning to do the first things quickly, because then things will get very complicated and dates won't be a problem anymore, haha.
So, what's your thought during this chapter? In the end, I almost cried because Rob was telling so beautiful things about Enede's mom. It is so heart melting when people you love pass away and you have to grieve it. Enede is strong but also has this breakdown moment. And there is also her past that seems to be veeery dark. What do you think are her thoughts about this weird mysterious girl she saw at school? Why do you think Enede relates to her so much?
What do we think about Kevin? Greek god, I know. But don't forget what he said: he has a lot of flaws.
Q: Will Enede actually text Kevin and ask for a second date or she will wait and Kevin will text her?
Let me know what you think about it!
Love ya, Benny. <3
THE CHAPTER'S COVER WAS MADE BY ME.