If I could go back turn back time
I'll make everything right
And you would still be mine
I've thought of different scenarios, things that could have happened if I wasn't too scared and stupid, and several what ifs that made my mind explode. I've already made a list of the things that I would change if I had the power to turn back time, what I'd give to erase my mistakes... but altering the past isn't remotely possible.
Baby, I've been thinking about you lately
Won't you come over and save me
from my memories
There's never been a single second that Sage wasn't in my mind. He never left. He occupied all of my thoughts that I had no room for anything or anyone else. I kept on remembering the times when things were light and easy, those days when I was still the ugly duckling that he despised with an understandable reason, and those moments when I saw pain splashed on his face. Every time I think of him, I hurt.
Yeah, and I might sound crazy
But baby if you could only see me
cause I wish you were here badly
But I know we can't-
My forehead creased when I realized the song that was blaring near my ear. I turned my head to see where the annoying music was coming from and I was welcomed with a hand holding a phone.
"Luke Dashiel!" sigaw ko nang makita ko ang kalahating gago na si Luke. Hawak-hawak niya ang phone ko habang pinapatugtog ang kanta ni Krissy malapit sa aking tenga.
Tinapik ko ang kamay niya palayo sa gilid ng mukha ko at napahalakhak si kalahati sa kalokohan niya. "What? Tinutulungan lang kita para mas dama mo yung moment."
"Tinutulungan my ass! Amina nga yan!" inagaw ko ang phone mula sa kamay niya at nakasimangot na pinatay ang malungkot at nakakainis na kanta. I clicked the lock button before scowling at Luke. "Paano mo ba nalaman ang password ko?"
"Yung 7243 ba? E diba pangal-" nanlalaki ang mga mata na inangat ko ang kamay at tinampal sa bibig ni Luke bago niya pa maituloy ang sasabihin niya. Namumula ang mukha at tenga ko. Nararamdaman ko yun.
"Buttface ka talaga! Bakit mo sasabihin!" lumingon-lingon ako sa paligid habang sinasabi iyon dahil baka may ibang nakarinig kahit na alam ko naman na walang may pakialam dahil nasa mall kami.
"What? You were the one who asked me the question."
Tinanggal ko ang kamay ko mula sa bibig niya at binigyan siya ng madilim na tingin. "Kapag ba tinanong kita kung ano meron sa inyo ni Avis sasagutin mo rin?"
The smug face on Luke's face disappeared and his expression turned cold. His silence made me raise a brow and it was my turn to be smug. I grinned at him. "Ano? Taob ka ngayon."
Luke rolled his eyes. "Shut up." he mumbled quietly and the grin on my face didn't drop.
I was thankful that Luke and I were very okay now. Medyo nagalit kasi siya sa akin nang sinabi ko sa kanya ang tungkol sa plano ko kay Sage bago mangyari ang gabing iyon. He said I was stubborn because I wouldn't listen to him and I said a few words too before he finally walked out.
Pagkatapos ng pag-uusap namin ni Avis kagabi ay humingi ako ng sorry kay Luke sa mga sinabi ko at sa hindi ko pakikinig sa kanya. Hindi naman ako nahirapan na suyuin si Luke. Then I told about my brilliant plan.
I told him how I was going to insert myself to Sage's life again. I was positive that my plan would work because it was the same thing that I did before. Tama si Dee. Sage hated me back when I was still trying to make him fall for me. Ano ba ang kaibahan ngayon?
Yes, I've made a mistake but I've also learned a lesson that I have zero intention of repeating. I love Sage Isaiah Savellano and I swear that I will do everything to get his trust back and make him mine again. I know I don't deserve him now, I'm going to do everything to be worthy of him.
I was going to take a risk. I'll take the fall in high hopes that he'll catch me. I'm going to bet it all in, my heart and soul, because I know that he's going to be worth it all.
I was done being scared. Para saan pa at naging anak ako ng nag-iisang si Ava Celeste kung magpapatalo ako sa takot ko. I know this might cause me a thousand heartaches and fatalities that I couldn't recover from and that's okay. Being hurt was inevitable but at least I would get hurt trying.
I woke up earlier than usual to catch Sage in his early running routine this morning. It was my first step to explain myelf to him and I was going to use this as an opportunity. I could find a better time but I didn't want to delay it any further.
Habang nagmamaneho ako papunta sa village nila Sage ay nag-iisip pa ako kung paano ako aarte sa harapan niya. Should I look sorry and mirror what I'm feeling? Or should I try and be bubbly?
Pakiramdam ko ay namumula na ang labi ko sa sobrang pagkagat ko. I stalked him on twitter earlier kaya sigurado akong tumatakbo siya ngayong umaga.
I parked my car a few blocks away from their house and breathe in and out on my seat. "Screw this. I'll be my usual self."
Nang makita ko si Sage mula sa side mirror ko na tumatakbo ay halos maubos ang hininga ko. Kinakabahan ako. Hindi pa ako tumatakbo pero pakiramdam ko ay naka-sampung laps na agad ako. Damn it. Damn hell shit it. Kinakabahan talaga ako!
Nakalampas na si Sage sa sasakyan ko nang naisipan kong buksan ang pinto para makalabas na. Pinindot ko ang remote para automatic iyong maglock bago hinabol ang maikling distansya ni Sage mula sa akin.
Lumunok ako at nagdasal ng ilang beses sa isip bago huminga ng malalim at nagsalita. "Hi."
Sage acted in pure instinct when he turned his head to look at me. His eyes widened and he tripped once but that didn't stop him from running. The expression in his face showed that he didn't expect to see me. His parted lips closed, coldness surfaced on his skin as void began to take over his face.
His face was stoic and I felt my heart leap inside my chest. Kahit na masungit iyon at matabang ang itsura niya ay hindi ko mapigilan matuwa. Gusto ko ngang mangiyak kaso ay magmumukha akong tanga sa harap niya. I just really missed being this close to him na kahit ano pa ang itapon niya sa akin ay tatanggapin ko.
Gusto kong mapatawad niya na ako pero alam ko rin naman hindi ganoon kadaling magpatawad. Lalo na sa kalokohang ginawa ko at sa sakit na idinulot ko sa kanya. Napakagat ako sa labi ko at pinilit na alisin ang sakit na paniguradong kumikinang sa mga mata ko.
"What are you doing here?" his voice was free from any emotion. It was cold that I almost shivered upon hearing it. This is pathetic but it still made my heart flutter. Pinapansin niya ako.
Okay, Les, don't screw this up.
"I-I'm following you..." my voice trailed. Sage continued running and I matched his pace. "Sa twitter pero hindi mo pa ako fino-follow back."
Nilingon ako ni Sage at blangkong tiningnan ako. Parang hinambalos ang dibdib ko sa mga titig na ibinibigay niya sa akin. Inalis niya ang tingin sa akin nang hindi sumasagot kaya ipinagpatuloy ko ang pagsasalita habang hindi binibitaw ang mga matako sa mukha niya.
"And I also want to talk and explain," sabi ko na parang nauubos ang hininga. Bahagyang nanginig pa ang boses ko doon dahil hindi pa rin naalis ang kaba sa dibdib ko. Kulang na lang ay sumabog na ang puso ko sa sobrang bilis ng pagtibok. I couldn't help it. "I missed you, Sage."
Biglang huminto si Sage sa pagtakbo na nakapagpahinto rin naman sa akin. Mabilis ang pag-angat ng dibdib niya, siguro ay dahil sa hinahabol niya ang hininga sa pagtakbo na ginawa.
Tinapon ni Sage ang mga tingin niya sa akin. Sinalubong ko ang mga tingin niya at tinitigan siya ng deretso sa mga mata. I allowed myself to use that time to look at Sage and memorize everything about his face.
From his charcoal colored eyes, to his pointed nose, his firm cheekbones, and the lovely shape of his pink and soft lips. I lingered my eyes on his lips for a long time. What I'd give to taste it again. I mentally shivered at the thought of kissing Sage.
Habang tumatagal ang titigan naming dalawa ay parang nanliliit ako. Unti-unting nangingitim ang mga mata niya, kung posible pa bang umitim iyon. Dumeretso ang labi niya na kanina ko pa pinagnanasahan. Sunod kong napansin ang pag galaw ng mga panga niya.
He's angry and he's trying to contain it. He's angry at me. My chest ached at the resentful stares that he was giving me. He looked at me like he couldn't stand the sight of me. Masakit, pero okay lang. I can do this.
"Sage, I-" I was cut off when he twisted his body and resumed jogging to leave me behind. My jaw hanged but I was quick enough to recover. I called his name and ran after him again.
Dalawang beses ko inulit ang pagtawag sa pangalan niya pero hindi niya ako pinansin. Kahit isang lingon ay hindi niya ginawa. Habang papalapit sa bahay nila ay itinigil ni Sage ang pagtakbo at naglakad na lang. Mas lalong lumalakas ang pagtibok ng puso ko. I need to get his attention and explain.
Nang malapit na siya sa malaking gate ng mansion nila ay sinubukan ko ulit na tawagin ang pangalan niya. Napahinto ako sa pagsunod sa kanya nang bigla siyang tumigil. Mabilis akong hinarap ni Sage at hindi katulad kanina ay nangingibabaw na ang pagkainis sa mukha niya.
"What?" he snapped.
Napasinghap ako at biglang binalot ng matinding takot. Hindi ko gusto na ganito si Sage sa akin. Iba ang Sage na ito sa Sage na galit sa akin noon. His eyes right now were glowing with murder. Cold fear blossomed in my chest and wrapped around my throat.
"I-I just want to explain." my voice came out weak.
A dark and menacing smirk that didn't reach his icy eyes slowly appeared on his face. "Explain how you made me feel so stupid with your schemes?" Sage let out a sinister and humorless laugh.
"I don't want to hear anything from you. I don't need your explanation. I don't want any more of your lies."
My eyes watered. Of course, he wouldn't want to hear my explanation. Of course, he would think that I'm lying. I've lied to him countless of times after all.
Ano ang magagawa ko? Masisisi ko ba siya doon? Hindi. Wala akong maisusumbat na kahit ano sa kanya. Masisisi ko ba siya sa sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon? Hindi rin, dahil alam ko na deserve ko ang masaktan. Kasalanan ko ito kaya ang pwede ko lang gawin ay tanggapin ang lahat ng sakit na ibibigay niya sa akin.
I tightly clamped my hands, supressing my emotion. I'm not going to cry in front of him. Ipapakita ko sa kanya na hindi na ako mahina at kaya ko nang harapin ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.
I'm not going to cry. This is me trying to prove that I deserve him. That the pathetic and coward Les was gone.
Sage slowly shook his head at me, his jaw still clenching and unclenching. Every word that comes out from his mouth was like a deathly acid to me. A poison that gives me a slow and painful death.
"Just leave, Les. I don't want you here."