The training session that took place the following Friday was probably the weirdest to date, and that was including the very first one, when Jeongguk had been so angry at him for signing up and trying to make it personal.
It was different today. Jeongguk was still as cold and standoffish as he usually was, but he wasn't snappy, and there was a strange tension between them that Taehyung had trouble identifying for a while, before realizing it was awkwardness. Jeongguk was embarrassed when he had to correct his posture or show him how to properly do an exercise.
About halfway through the session, he mumbled: "Stop looking at me like that."
"Like what?" Taehyung breathed through his series of twenty squats.
"Like you want to fuck me."
A little smile played at the corner of Taehyung's lips.
"I do want to fuck you, though," he pointed out. "I'm not sure how I'm supposed to look like I don't."
"You're being deliberately obtuse," Jeongguk grumbled. "If you can't look like you don't, then stop looking at me altogether."
"I really don't want to. I like looking at you. You're beautiful."
Instead of blushing, as he would have seven years ago, Jeongguk scowled. "I'm your teacher. This is unethical."
Taehyung got up, thighs burning, and wiped his brow, noting that Jeongguk was trying to avoid looking in his general direction.
"Don't recall you saying anything about it last Tuesday. A bit late now, isn't it?"
Jeongguk didn't seem to know how to reply to that. When Taehyung stepped closer, he took a step back. It was almost cute.
"Want to do it tonight?"
"What?" Jeongguk spluttered, eyes snapping up to his.
"I mean... we could... if you want to, of course. Jimin's staying at Yoongi's tonight, which means I'll have the apartment all to myself. I've got a nice double bed. A nightstand fully stocked."
"I told you I didn't think it was a good idea," Jeongguk mumbled awkwardly.
"Yeah, I know. It's up to you. Show up or don't, I'm not forcing you to do anything."
Jeongguk stared at him in disbelief, before shaking his head.
"Ok, that's enough. Back to the exercise."
He wasn't going to show up. Just in case, leaving the gym, Taehyung still took a detour to buy condoms and lube (he'd lied a bit when saying the nightstand was fully stocked. In fact, it was in dire need of resupply, which Taehyung hadn't bothered to do since he'd broken up with his ex-douche, a few months earlier) but he knew Jeongguk wasn't going to show up.
So he almost jumped out of his skin when the interphone rang, around ten o'clock, long after Taehyung had decided to come to terms with the fact that he was going to spend the evening alone.
It could still be an accident, a pizza delivery guy pushing the wrong button, an office worker having forgotten his access badge and trying to be let inside. Don't get your hopes up, Taehyung, he thought, still running towards the door. Why didn't he and Jimin choose an apartment with an interphone equipped with a camera?
"Who is it?"
"It's me," Jeongguk's unmistakable voice replied.
Taehyung's heart jumped erratically in his chest. Hands shaking, he buzzed him in, and found himself pacing during the minute it took Jeongguk to come up and knock on his door.
When he opened, Jeongguk was standing there, looking extremely awkward, but still incredibly hot, although he didn't make much of an effort and came dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie. That was the thing with Jeongguk: he could have worn a potato sack and looked hot in it.
He also had a defiant look in his eyes, like he was daring Taehyung to say anything about how he'd finally decided to come. But Taehyung wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth. He silently stepped aside, eyes still fixed on Jeongguk.
When the door closed behind them, Jeongguk turned to look at Taehyung, terribly stiff. Taehyung took a step forward.
"Thanks for coming," he murmured. "I wasn't sure you would."
Jeongguk shrugged, frowning, before tensing when Taehyung grasped at his hoodie and pulled him in for a kiss.
It was a bit stilted at first, Jeongguk visibly wondering what he was supposed to do with his hands; but when Taehyung slipped his tongue inside his mouth, it was like something suddenly clicked - possibly Jeongguk's horniness - and without knowing how, Taehyung ended up being pushed against the closest wall with Jeongguk's crotch grinding against his.
Shit, he thought.
Taehyung lost no time in drawing him to his bedroom, scattering their clothes on their way like a breadcrumb trail, secretly screaming at the thought of having a very naked Jeongguk in his bed for the first time.
"Fuck, you're gorgeous," he breathed. "I can't stop looking at you."
This time, Jeongguk blushed a little. "I know. You said."
"You like it when I say that to you," Taehyung smiled.
Without warning, Jeongguk upturned him on the bed and looked at him intently, on all fours above him. "Not when I'm working," he replied, before leaning towards Taehyung to kiss his neck.
Taehyung felt his heart stop. It was unfair how horny Jeongguk was making him, how he could look shy and cute a moment and stupidly hot the next.
"I can't stop thinking about you," he confessed in a low voice when Jeongguk kissed the curve of his shoulder, making him shiver. "I want to touch you all the time. You drive me crazy."
Jeongguk didn't reply, not that Taehyung was expecting him to. He knew he was pushing it a bit too far when saying that, but it was a sad truth about Taehyung that, when he was horny, even more so when he was horny and in love, he was fundamentally unable to stop himself spouting everything that crossed his mind, down to his most intimate thoughts.
Though it didn't really matter, since Jeongguk was acting as if he couldn't hear him. It was a bit like confessing his feelings to a wall, but a wall that was incredibly good at sex.
It was maddening how his body felt attuned to Jeongguk's touch, like it was an instrument that Jeongguk had tuned to his frequency back then in high school, and that wouldn't make sounds nearly as pleasing if it wasn't played by the very hands who had shaped him.
It was something else feeling Jeongguk's mouth on his neck, on his belly, on the inside of his thighs, and it made him shiver as though he had a fever. He'd had boyfriends, over the course of the past seven years, one or two serious relationships even, and still, none of them had made him feel like he did right now, trembling under Jeongguk's lips.
"Don't stop," he whispered, eyes closed, when Jeongguk pulled away.
Jeongguk put a placating hand on his belly. "I'm not. I'm just getting that lube you promised me."
At that, Taehyung's eyes snapped open. "The lube?"
Jeongguk stilled, hand stretched out towards the nightstand.
"I know," he replied slowly, "no fucking. Does that mean I can't finger you?"
"I never said no fucking," Taehyung croaked. "And I definitely never said no fingering."
"No fucking for now, I guess, then," Jeongguk added before opening the drawer and getting the lube.
"I'd be up for it. I mean. If you were too," Taehyung muttered, barely audible. "It felt premature the other day, but... this is a different day."
Jeongguk stared at him, lube in hand, visibly speechless.
"I mean," Taehyung hurriedly added, "it's okay if we don't, too. No rush, you know? Just... if you want to... I'm in. So in."
Jeongguk slowly sat back on his calves, before silently pouring a dollop of lube on his fingers. Taehyung's heart was racing in his chest. Did it mean Jeongguk wanted it too? Or that he wasn't too keen?
But when he leaned forward, a hand next to Taehyung's head, the other smearing lube on his entrance with no fucking warning, he breathed in Taehyung's ear, "Let see if you can get me in the mood, then."
Taehyung gaped, shocked by both the feeling of his cold, wet fingers against his hole, and how bratty Jeongguk was, pretending he didn't want Taehyung as much as Taehyung wanted him. Damn him. He wasn't nearly as confident in high school.
Nor was he as hot.
"You're already in the mood," he pouted.
"Am I?"
He slipped a finger inside, and Taehyung gasped. God, this guy. He wanted a challenge? Very well.
"If you aren't yet, you will be."
Slowly, Taehyung slipped a hand towards his neglected crotch, and started pumping himself, watching Jeongguk attentively. Jeongguk's eyes narrowed.
"What are you doing?"
"Sorry, am I not allowed to touch myself while you're fingering me?" Taehyung asked in mock innocence. "My bad."
Jeongguk, grabbing his wrist, pulled his hand away. "Don't be impatient. I can do both. Unless you'd rather do it yourself after all?"
Shit.
Taehyung swallowed, but finally shook his head. Jeongguk nodded, looking satisfied.
"Good," he said.
True to his word, he started caressing Taehyung's cock, while still pushing one finger inside him, and Taehyung was this close to dying for good.
"Shit," he said out loud. "Fuck, Jeongguk."
"Is it okay?"
"Is it okay?" Taehyung repeated in disbelief. "Is you jerking me off while fingering me okay? What do you think? I'd jump on your dick right fucking now."
There it was again, the lack of filter. Jeongguk looked at him with wide eyes, then let out a slow sigh. Taehyung smirked.
"Getting in the mood now?"
Jeongguk rolled his eyes. "Shut up."
"I'm notoriously bad at that."
"I'll shut you up, then," Jeongguk mumbled before adding a second finger.
Taehyung gripped the sheets, gasping, and - yeah, okay, that was quite effective in shutting him up. Jeongguk was slowly working his fingers in and out, scissoring him to better stretch him, while Taehyung was a writhing mess on the bed, moaning. His thoughts were scattering away, focus solely on Jeongguk's hands and touch.
"God, Jeongguk," he groaned. "I suggest you speed it up, or I'll come in your hands before you can even get your dick in me."
Jeongguk gasped quietly. Craning his neck, Taehyung saw that he was hard as a rock too, and he really wanted to get that cock tonight. Without replying, Jeongguk added a third finger, and Taehyung supposed it was necessary if he wanted to be prepared enough to take Jeongguk's decent size inside him, but really, he didn't need to be that good at it; Taehyung was promptly losing his shit.
"Fuck's sake," he mumbled, "hurry up and get inside me."
"You impatient little shit," Jeongguk replied, but Taehyung could hear how tight his voice was. "Fine. Turn over."
Taehyung frowned. He wanted to watch Jeongguk's face when he'd enter him, but he knew that it was maybe too much to ask, since they were only fuckbuddies.
No strings attached, no Gukkie, no fucking face to face. Got it.
So he rolled over while Jeongguk was grabbing a condom, and it was good too, feeling his fingers stretching him up until the last moment, then nothing when he removed his hand, and the thrilled expectation of what was coming, hearing him tear up the foil wrapper.
Then Jeongguk put a hand on his hip and lined up against him, and, god. It genuinely felt like too much already. Taehyung wasn't sure how he was supposed to survive Jeongguk fucking him for the first time ever.
And then it really dawned on him that it was, in fact, his first time with Jeongguk, and for a brief moment, he wondered if he really wanted that. Not that, as in, the sex, since he very much wanted it, but that as in, casual sex between mere fuckbuddies, and watching Jeongguk go back to hating him when it would be over.
"Jeongguk, stop," he suddenly said.
Jeongguk stilled immediately, and when Taehyung rolled over, he saw him watching him with wide, concerned eyes.
"Taehyung? Is everything okay?"
He was as hot as the sun, standing on his knees in all his muscled glory, hand on his condom-wrapped cock, and Taehyung was torn between wanting to climb him like a tree and wanting to bawl his eyes out and begging him to love him.
"I, uh..." How the hell was he going to explain this to Jeongguk?
Then he thought to himself, what have I got to lose anyway? He already hates me.
"You don't want to," Jeongguk spoke before he could give him an explanation. His tone wasn't accusatory, nor was it disappointed, but merely stating a fact.
"No, no, I do," Taehyung replied. "I fucking want you. It's just that, um, I'm a romantic at heart, I think? And I've pictured our first time a lot, since the moment I met you, and again after being reunited with you, and I gotta say, doing it doggy style as fuckbuddies is not how I imagined it."
Jeongguk was staring at him, stunned.
"So," Taehyung continued, throat dry, "would it be too much to ask to do it face to face? Just this once, just for our first time?"
Jeongguk hesitated, and Taehyung's heart broke quietly in his chest; then he nodded curtly.
"Y... yeah, okay," he replied, voice hoarse.
"Really?" Taehyung couldn't believe his ears.
"Yeah." A fleeting expression that looked like sadness crossed his face, but disappeared before Taehyung could really analyze it. "I don't mind."
Relieved, Taehyung sat up on the bed. It didn't change the fact they weren't doing it out of love, but at least, if he looked into Jeongguk's eyes during the act, it might be easier to believe they were.
But now, he was starting to feel self-conscious, wondering how on Earth he was going to be able to bear the weight of Jeongguk's gaze on him while he was making love to him.
Well. Or rather, fucking him.
Taehyung lay on the bed slowly, eyes never leaving Jeongguk, who, in turn, was quietly watching him. He could feel the nervousness that was flowing between them, and he wondered once again if this was really how he wanted it to go; but then again, if he had to wait for Jeongguk to be in love with him, it might never happen at all, and better sleep with a distant Jeongguk than not sleep with him at all, he reasoned. (Maybe mistakenly, but that was his own problem.)
Things got slightly better when Jeongguk, standing above him on all fours, leaned in to kiss his neck - and even better when he slid a hand between his ass cheeks to slip a finger inside.
This isn't real, Taehyung thought, keep calm, this isn't real. But it felt very much real, what with Jeongguk carefully fingering him again and peppering his neck with warm kisses, intimate kisses.
"Come on," Taehyung whispered, "I'm ready."
Jeongguk pulled back a bit to look him in the eyes. "You sure?"
"Yeah. Just fuck me."
There was a moment of silence, then Jeongguk straightened up, lining himself up against Taehyung, once again. "Tell me if it hurts, I'll stop."
But it didn't, and even if it had, Taehyung certainly wouldn't have told him to stop. The feeling of him slowly easing his way in was so thrilling, so incredible, Taehyung was sure his heart would flow through his ribcage and fly off in the room.
Fuck me, I love him, he thought. It was never as clear as it was now, with Jeongguk's hand on his hips, and how focused, how intense he looked while he was sliding inside Taehyung.
"Still okay?" He asked once he was all the way in, and Taehyung felt full in a way he'd never felt before.
"More than," he breathed with a small smile. "Keep going."
To be honest, after Jeongguk had agreed to have casual sex with him, Taehyung was half-expecting it would be hate sex, the hot kind, the climbing-up-the-walls kind, but also the rip-your-heart-in-shreds kind.
But nothing about this was hateful, at least right now. Jeongguk was slowly moving inside him, hands caressing his skin and tickling his nipples, before he half flopped down on Taehyung, elbow next to his head, lips on his neck again, thrusting inside him with a bit more intent. Taehyung was seeing stars. He was losing track of time.
"Fuck", he let out a sigh, "how are you so good at this?"
Jeongguk didn't reply, but it didn't matter, because the way he was gently biting Taehyung's skin was so much better than talking. Anyway, Taehyung was more than able to keep a conversation going all by himself. The trick, as usual, was not to say too much, but that was a bit harder to control.
"God, I love your dick, it's like it was made to fuck me, it's the perfect dick," he blurted, eyes closed in rapture. "I'll always want more, now, it's entirely your fault, you better take full responsibility, and - god, yes, right there, Jeongguk, fuck!"
Jeongguk was speeding up now, and Taehyung realized, a bit ashamed, that he really wasn't going to last long, not with the way Jeongguk pounded into him, not with how he panted in his ear, the sexiest sound Taehyung had ever heard, and especially not knowing that it was Jeongguk, here, his high school sweetheart, his first love, his first everything.
"Guk... Please slow down, you're gonna make me come..."
"It's okay," Jeongguk whispered in his ear, lips brushing against his neck. "You can come if you want."
Suddenly, Taehyung's chest felt too small to contain his heart, bursting with love and want.
"God, I love you," he involuntarily let out, in such a quiet voice that he doubted Jeongguk could hear him. If he did, of course, he didn't comment on it, but his thrusts became more intense. Taehyung couldn't remember ever being fucked like that, and he didn't even know if it was really that good or if it was because it was Jeongguk fucking him. Probably both.
He wrapped his arms around his neck and clasped his hands in his hair. "Fuck, Jeongguk, I'm coming, I'm..."
He could feel his orgasm building, severing his neuronal connections one by one, until it finally exploded in his head and Taehyung's mind went completely white with pleasure. He could barely feel anything else, aside from Jeongguk's teeth nipping at his neck. Everything was pure bliss and happiness.
"Gukkie," he murmured. "Gukkie... I want to kiss you..."
Jeongguk, still thrusting into him, clutched at his hip with one hand and stilled suddenly. "Fuck", he groaned. Awkwardly, he raised his head and kissed Taehyung, a bit sloppily, but Taehyung didn't mind one bit. He was starting to come back from his own high; might as well let Jeongguk enjoy his.
Taking advantage of the fact that Jeongguk was currently flying too high to call him out on it, he tenderly stroked his hair, closely watching his contracted face in the throes of pleasure, his closed eyes and half-open mouth. He was beautiful.
He didn't dare to say again that he loved him, but he couldn't stop thinking it.
Finally, Jeongguk came down from his orgasm too, and rested his forehead on Taehyung's shoulder for a moment, panting; and Taehyung wished he could stop time, right in this instant, and freeze them in this second for eternity.
But he couldn't, and inevitably, Jeongguk sat up straight, carefully pulling out, and Taehyung hated how cold it suddenly felt without him. He would have given anything for a cuddle, but Jeongguk was now removing his condom in silence, standing up to toss it in the bin, before immediately retrieving his clothes on the floor and putting them back on.
You knew that this was what you'd get, Taehyung chided himself mentally. Don't get all sad now, Kim Taehyung.
Nevertheless, he couldn't help but feel a lump growing in his throat. Nothing else to do but smile to hide it.
"Do it again soonish?" he asked with a confidence he did not feel in the least.
"Mmm," Jeongguk replied noncommittally, putting his hoodie on.
He didn't really look enthusiastic, but Taehyung was nothing if not persistent.
"Anyway, we'll see each other tomorrow, I guess."
At that, Jeongguk raised his head, frowning. "What?"
"Well, it's Saturday. Everyone's meeting at the bar."
"Oh. Right," Jeongguk replied, still frowning.
"You'll come, right? It doesn't have to be awkward between us anymore."
Jeongguk stared at him for an instant, then sighed. "Look, Taehyung... Whatever this is," he said, waving between them to indicate what this was, "it doesn't change anything. I still don't want to see you when I hang out with my friends."
How curious it was, Taehyung thought, that this man could send him to the stars one moment and crashing back down to earth the very next.
"Why?" Taehyung couldn't stop himself from asking quietly. "I'm trying so hard for you to forgive me. What do I have to do, Jeongguk? Just tell me. I'll do it. I'll do anything."
"I'm not sure there's anything you can do anymore," Jeongguk replied.
It was like in high school. He had a bow, and he was shooting arrows, but the target was Taehyung's heart, this time. His accuracy was deadly. Taehyung could just watch him, chest oozing imaginary blood, unable to answer, quietly dying inside. Jeongguk silently put on his shoes, then, with a last glance at Taehyung, he left.
Don't cry, Taehyung thought. This is all your fault. You don't get to cry.
But a tear slipped out anyways.