!! (gn! reader) !!
{Requested by Iliketodraw2007}
(see end of chapter for more)
this chapter was a pain in the ass, lemme tell you that. otherwise, this was a challenging chapter! thank you to the reader who requested this! enjoy my shitty writing <3
- vanichee -
[tw] cursing, mentions of medical practices, and unaliving oneself
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Leo was used to his brothers' harsh yet true words.
They would point out every small wrong thing he did and it would just drive the slider crazy to the brink where he became ignorant and tuned them out. He knows now that they are merely looking out for him—the very way he looks out for them.
Leonardo couldn't conceive a life without his brothers. He had already admitted that he was incomplete without them. The strength in his family's bond was something that could never be broken, he had finally learned to properly value this. Despite these mutual understanding, Leonardo still felt undone. He is a precious treasure chest full of glory that was cherished so extensively yet, he didn't feel like it.
So why is it that his brothers' advice doesn't go through his thick skull?
Leo, don't do this, don't do that. Listen, Leo, it's not that hard.
The words seem to enter one ear and exit out of the other. He didn't understand why he wouldn't just listen to his teammates.
His brothers.
There's an immense distinction between his older brother and him in their time as leaders. As role models. Leon felt like those shoes were too large to fit in. For his father to suddenly assign him as the team's leader was alarming. Confusion, sure, but terror struck him like lightning in his body. He had felt the startling exposure of it as it burned his entire body and made him freeze up in a place as bright flashing lights ruined the memories of his life before.
Raphael handled the role well enough, but that's no surprise. He is the oldest of the Hamatos after all. The weight of an abnormal family was established on his young shoulders since they could all retain.
The rest of the three turtles are grateful for his job as an older sibling and leader, he was practically born with the talent he carried.
But Leo wasn't born for either of those roles. And he wasn't sure if he was even ready enough to bear them. He was carrying a heavy legacy and had to protect it no matter what. A machine gun was placed in his hands and suddenly he had the power in his palms. He was excepted to fight for his family like never before.
But that was never a problem for Leonardo. He knew well enough about sacrifice. To hell, survivor's guilt.
An unknown field was out there waiting for him, like before a deadly battle. Leonardo was on one side of the meadow and his opponent was on the other. Both are silent, waiting for the fire of their weapons.
His father had called for an attack.
"Leo, help me carry this box outta here, will ya?" He suddenly dropped his fork to the ground at his twin brother's voice. He hurried out of the dining room chairs and sprinted down the hall, sliding his bare feet across the ground.
"You called?" Leo asks.
Donatello drops a hefty cardboard box awkwardly as he wipes the dust off his violet hoodie. He had been wearing more restful clothing in the past couple of weeks due to the pressure Raph had been giving him on taking breaks. But still, it was strange seeing the hard-working softshell look peaceful in his own home.
Leo was glad that was more suspious than him being by himself in the kitchen just now. "Yeah, Papa wants this junk out of the hall and into the projector room. He wants us to organize it," Donnie groans and Leo follows.
"Not again. I really don't wanna spend my night cleaning up old junk for an old rat. What's in here anyway?" Leo stoops down at the box the turtle in purple had just plopped.
"Old album photos of us. He wants to see what to frame and what to store away."
"Let me guess; (Y/N) and April found the pictures and Mikey forced Splinter to put them away?"
"Exactly."
Leonardo eyes his younger self in the box full of old pictures. Young Leo had big eyes marked with even bigger red crescents on a small head. The thought of you seeing these pictures made him ick and blush furiously.
He stands up, his lips letting out an airy chuckle, "Alright. I guess it's better than what I was doing." He lifts the box effortlessly as Donnie leads him toward another destination.
"What were you doing in there alone anyway? It was awfully quiet I excepted Raph to be in there," Donnie lifts an eyebrow. Leo feels a shiver down his spine, clutching his fingers tightly onto the box as they dripped with sweat.
Could he dump his concerns and fears onto Donnie now? Could he finally remove the weight that the older brother had been carrying for almost their entire life?
No. They would see him as weakling and would have his role taken away. As much as he dreaded the responsibility, he would do anything for his family. They're counting on him to not be a fuck-up. He could only imagine what they would do without him. He would no longer be a part of the team.
Leonardo couldn't decide if this bothered him or not.
"Nunya business, Dee. Move out the way, will ya?" He answered as he pushed his way through. All Donnie did was scoff but Leo didn't comment on it.
He was too afraid of talking before he confessed.
-
He had no problem fixing injuries. Leo was the family medic after all.
In fact, he enjoyed the medical functions; he liked the smell of the ointments and relief creams for bruises and found amusement in surgical procedures. He liked that his mind went blank when wrapping bandages ever so carefully. He liked that everything in the room was his. He had been the one to acquire the supplies that were neatly placed in each cabinet from the Hidden City (Draxum had a part in this but Leo doesn't snitch him out to his father like that).
Everything was designed for him, he had tasked himself with this role for his whole life. And that's what brought him comfort, knowing he had been the one to be sure of himself.
In conclusion, he just liked the overall feeling of comfort in the practice of medicine and the trust he had gained in himself along the way.
But as Leonardo sat in the dark med bay by himself that evening, he didn't comfortable at all. Nor did he trust himself in picking up a medical instrument in his shaky palms. And somehow, the beds were stiff and Leo squirmed on top of the pale blue sheets.
He wished he had changed the mood of this room, he now regrets not doing anything about it. Leo didn't mind hospital rooms at all, in fact, he was content with them (although, he can disagree when it comes to the interior design of them. He thought of them as horrendous and favor less). But the mood he had brought in made the ambiance off.
He stood up, hearing a soft crackling sound and not knowing if it were the stiffness of the bed or his bones. In pure frustration, Leo snagged the white bottle from the steel counters, making the bottle rattle.
He pulled two pills out and swallowed them dry. A groan came from his closed mouth. Leo didn't know how long he could keep this up. He swore not to complain about his injuries to anyone else, knowing he'd just cause trouble. The consequence of this was two empty bottles of ibuprofen. Two empty bottles.
Leonardo was clueless about mathematics but he could tell how much time has passed since the invasion by the cleared bottles.
And it hadn't been that long either.
He remembered Donnie had said two and a half months, but Leo feels like it was just the other day. His injuries weren't fully healed—every so often, he would get a sudden sharp pain in his carapace, holding back on tears when around his loved ones. He looked down at his palm; red crescent-shaped marks scattered all over, and a bit of sweat made it gleam as well.
Hiding his pain was difficult to keep from you and was an even bigger pain in itself. You could almost see right through him, almost like he were a waving flag just wanting attention. Raph was almost the same but you didn't say anything to him. When he felt burning eyes staring him down, he wasn't told what to do by you.
And almost like he had manifested it, his head started to pound with ache.
Worrying wasn't going to do anything. He might as well move on like nothing ever happened.
Right, I'll pretend my ass wasn't terribly beaten by some goo alien.
No biggie.
A scatter of footsteps was heard outside of the room and Leo quickly puffed his sunken chest out. You appeared at the doorway, peeping your head in cautiously, "Hey, Lee. Everything okay?"
He had forgotten about the date night the two of you had planned. Leo scoffs and waves his hand, "Why would I not be? I'm ready to kick some bad guy butt!"
You smile but your eyes widen. Leonardo realizes where your eyes were fixated on. He looked back at the white bottle that stood at the edge of the counter, cringing.
"Is—Did you finish them?" You asked.
He nods shamefully, "Yeah, but I can get more another time. I've got all the time in the world, baby," he pecks a kiss on your cheek quickly and grabs your hand, pulling you away from the cold room. "C'mon, I promise a nice night in for date night."
"Leo, where?"
"To my room? Thought you wanted to have a movie night tonight, silly. Don't tell me your nervous to hang with the champ?" He smirks flirtingly and this makes you giggle.
"No," you stopped in both your tracks and your laughter and let go of Leo's hand that was clasped onto yours. "Where does it hurt? Is it your shell again?" He crunches his face and looks away. You found a breaking point and needed him to confess.
"I can help you out like last time, remember? You said the ointment relaxed you."
"Yeah, like that'll work," he scoffed and you stiffen up.
"I got my ass beat, remember? I was worthless to face against the enemy and now I'm paying the consequence. That was my decision."
"Leo, you're not worthless. You won't understand it yet, but you're not. You helped beat those Krang out of here, remember?" You mimic him. "You and your brothers are heroes. You said so yourself."
A groan escaped his lips, "No, my brothers are the heroes. They were able to get away safely. I'm not someone with amazing mystic ability like Mikey. I don't have enough brains to created a good enough plan like Donnie. Hell, I'll never be a great leader like Raph was! I'm just a mutant stupid enough to not get killed by the Krang. I shouldn't be here, (Y/N)!"
A sorrowful shine was seen in both of your eyes. Yet, you still blinked away and smiled.
"You've got to remember that they are just worried. Everyone is! If you don't yourself rest, your sacrifice will be worthless. Heroes deserve a break, Lee." A warm hand snuck onto Leo's cheek, feeling your thumb caress circles gently. He could see how genuine you were in your eyes. You believed in him when he couldn't believe in himself.
"(Y/N), I don't need my partner to be worrying about me twenty-four-seven like I'm some sort of child. I've got enough brothers to take care of that," he snapped.
He huffed in annoyance leaving both the conversation the dark hallway. He didn't want to say anything more that'll get you to worry. He's said sufficiently. Leo has had enough of people thinking they're better. They weren't. Nobody was. And that's what frustrated him. He felt like he was the only one that felt like he was on the edge of life.
Leo looked back and you were gone. He realized he just blew up in front of you and it wasn't even your fault. It's always his. He had scared you away for sure and a pang in his chest filled with regret.
Despite his thoughts, Leo didn't mind you asking how he was. But of course, he couldn't let anyone see his satisfaction. You were gentle with him, always asking if he had slept or eaten. On the days you visited, Leo would keep you all to himself in his room and sleep away the afternoon. Only in those moments could he find serenity.
He exhaled sharply, feeling the pit in his stomach. He didn't want to lose connection with you as he did with his brothers. He had to try again.
"Leooonardooo!"
His head spun around quickly at the sudden voice that yelled his full name. At the other end of the hallway, he could see you darting toward him at full speed. His feet allowed him to face his entire body to you. You basically crashed into him as you snaked your arms around his neck loosely. He held on tight.
"Leo! Look at me in the eye and tell me what this is!" You lifted the sleeve of your shirt, making your right shoulder blade visible. A bead of sweat ran down his forehead. Leo has never seen you so worked up.
He looked closely at your bare skin. There was a small but very light scar that gleamed in the low lights of the foyer. His eyes widen.
"A scar," he said a little too quickly with fear in his eyes, his voice cracking at the end.
"Not just any scar," you justified, "I got the day of the invasion, Leo. Remember that? You saved me."
Leonardo stays silent and his jaw snaps back up. His gaze tore away from yours. He remembers the day so much clearer than ever before.
"Now, tell what these are, Lee," you said grabbing his two hands, outstretching them in front of his body. He looked down. Even in the low light, you can clearly see the many scars of Leo. He had small scars that were starting to fade slightly, his green complexion coming back. But he had gained many new ones from the Krang.
"My scars."
You lowered his limbs.
"Damn right. Now look right at me again and tell me you're worthless. Because of these scars, you've proven to everyone how worthy you are. How amazing you are. I just need you to see that, Leo. And I'm not giving up on you until you open your stupid eyes."
Leonardo begins to cry. He didn't know why but he did. A sense of vulnerability rose up in him, breaking his protective shell from his loved ones. But you had just broken it into a million pieces. And Leo can't fix it back together this time.
He just allowed himself to lean his body weight against your shoulder and cry out everything he had in him. He let himself think of Leonardo Hamato as an individual, not the family's disappointment. He decided to allow his family to take care of him the way he takes care of them.
Leonardo had allowed himself to leave it as it was.
-
[Request]:
Hi, can I request a oneshot where Leo feels insecure about his place on the team and thinks that his brothers are better than him and that they don't need him, but hides it by telling his one-liners and acting confidently. And the reader sees through this and talks with him about it and he opens up and the reader comforts him and tells him how awesome he is (sorry for any mistakes, English isn't my first language, and sorry for everything, but this is my first time doing this and I have no idea what I'm doing)