Ikalabing Isang Tasa
Mark 7:37,
Jesus gave comfort by His presence, freeing the mouth of the mute to confess the truth.
IT'S BEEN A MONTH since I did that blasphemous act towards my father. I can't remeber how my life goes on after that. Ang tanging alam ko lang, masaya ako ngayon sa silid na may apat na sulok na kulay puti ang dingding.
Since that day my life brings me to the reality that hard to accept. Akala ko noon hindi ko aabutin ang mga nangyayari sa'kin ngayon but I was wrong. I thought... pansamantala lang 'to pero buwan na rin ang lumipas, wala pa ring pinagbago.
"Are you ready to face them, Kelsie?" my nurse asked and I just nodded. Kahit gustuhin kong magsalita ay hindi ko magawa. "Just do the sign I'd teach you if you don't want to be with them anymore, okay?" I nodded again.
Kelsie... They used to call me using my second name because I hate hearing the first one. With that name I can retrive how I heard the voice of my father who's begging for his life on that day.
D-did I killed him?
She push my wheelchair to leave my room para pumunta sa visiting area at harapin ang mga taong ngayon ko lang ulit makikita matapos ang 'sang buwan. I don't feel anything in me. Para bang balewala lang sa'kin lahat ngayon. Iba ang takbo ng utak ko, wala akong paki sa mundo.
I waited for them to visit since day 1 but I didn't even heard a single hi or how are you to them. Maybe... I don't have a money that they are looking for in me. It hurts, but I should be used to that.
Napakapit ako nang husto nang makalabas ako sa aking silid. It is my first time seeing the outside world. Am I that ready to face the world–to face them?
Mas lalo naman akong kinabahan nang matanaw ko ang paligid. Like me, marami rin akong nakikitang kagaya ko. Pero maswerte sila kasi nagawa nila ang mag-ingay unlike me.
Did they suffer a lot like me as well? Or we both here but we have a different story to tell?
"Pagmaliko natin ang silid na 'yan, makikita mo na sila, Kelsie. Sabihin mo lang kung itutuloy ba natin o hindi, okay?" my nursed said.
She was assigned to me since the day I'm here. She's Miss Maris Agsunta. I like her, very. She's to vocal and she even not tired of caring of me even though we are not related by blood. Is that true what other people saying that "Mas maaasahan mo pa ang iba kaysa sa sarili mong pamilya".
I look up at her and smiled, it means I'm ready to face them. To face my fears.
Without any thoughts she push my wheelchair again, 'tsala lumiko sa silid na sinabi niya.
Minutes had passed then my world stopped when I literally saw them a-again. Glad that they look so okay without me.
Hindi pa man ako tuluyang nakarating sa area nila ay agad na nila akong dinaluhan saka niyakap isa-isa.
"A-anak..." umiiyak na tawag sa'kin ni nanay. She hugged me tight but I didn't do the same. Steady lang ako tila walang nararamdaman.
How I can feel them when they are the reason why I'm here? They made me a stone and my heart too.
"Manang..." sabi ni Anna. Like my mother, she hug me too.
Nang matapos nila akong yakapin ay hindi pa rin nila ako nakitaan ng emosyon.
They are all standing in my front. Lumingon ako sa kabila dahilan ng makita ko ang babaeng minsan ko ng niligtas.
"I'm s-sorry," she said and hug me. I'm glad that is fully recovered now. I know she strong–my Eya is strong.
"Ahm, I know you all having an emotional time together but may I ask you if sa table niyo na lang ituloy so that you can have time with Kelsie properly," sambat na sabi ni nurse Maris na ikinatigil nila. They all nodded and agreed.
Lahat kami ay pumaroon and I made that with the help of my nurse. When we finally get there, naupo sila sa p'westo nila saka emosyonal akong tiningnan.
Sakto lang ang space para makaupo kami ng maayos. It looked like a garden because I saw green trees and beautiful flowers that made my heart calm.
"I'll let you talk to her, but please don't call her using her first name and many more that can trigger her trauma. And also, I will give you an enough time to talk but when I saw her feels uneasy with you... hindi ako magdadalawang-isip na ibalik siya sa k'warto niya," mahinang pakiusap ng nurse sa pamilya ko pero nagawa ko pa rin iyong marinig.
"Kelsie, just remember what I have said earlier, okay?" I nodded and she smiled sweetly.
Nang makaalis ng tuluyan si nurse Maris ay sabay na bumuntonghininga ang aking pamilya. Para bang hindi nila alam kung saan magsisimula. I wanted to talk to them but I can't.
"A-anak, kamusta ka rito?" tanong ni nanay na ikinalunok ko. Bakit ngayon pa? Bakit ngayon pa nila ako nagawang kamustahin?
"Inaalagaan ka ba nila rito nang maayos, Manang?" tanong ni Anna, tumango ako bilang tugon.
"Ayaw mo ba kaming kausapin? Gusto mo... sa s-susunod na lang kami dadalaw, Manang?" Eya asked. Miski ako ay nagulat sa ibang tawag niya sa'kin. Maybe she follows want my nurse want.
I locked my eyes on them for a minute. Nang makita ko ang lungkot sa kanilang mga mata saka pa ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob para tugunin ang mga ito.
I touched my neck and my mouth and mouthed, "I'm m-mute. I can't speak." Limang salitang nagpahagulgol sa kanila nang sobra.
I have PTSD or Post-traumatic Stress Depression and Selective Mutism after what I'd encounter with my father. My brain shock because of the trauma and supression that I have been dealing after that.
Until now... I'm still healing and undergo some treatment or therapy so I will be back to normal and live a normal life again.
Hindi pa rin ako nawalan ng pag-asa na makahanap ng rason para makapagsalitang muli. I'm just waiting for that to happen. I have a lots to share and story to tell but I don't know how should I do that.
Since that day, hindi lang pag-aaral ko ang nahinto kundi pati ang pag-asang kinakapitan ko. I loss my faith and I lost God in my life.
"A-anak..." iyak na tawag sa'kin ni nanay. She bent her knees in front of me and held my hands. "Alam kong hindi sapat ang salitang patawarin mo ako para maging maayos ka. Pero, anak, walang oras na hindi kita ipinagdadasal at walang oras na hindi ako umiiyak kasi nag-aalala ako sa'yo. Kaming lahat nag-aalala sa'yo." Iyak pa rin siya nang iyak.
I avoided her look. Tiningnan ko ang mga kapatid ko, ang lungkot din nila. Even I badly wanted to cry but I stopped it so that I would not put my heart into danger. Pinalabas ko lang sa kabilang tainga ang sinabi nila para maiwasan ko ang maatake na naman.
"Alam ko kung ano ang pinagdadaaanan mo rito sa loob since day one kasi lagi akong nagtatanong. Hindi ako nagpapakita kasi nag-undergo ka ng therapy mo at iba pa pero palagi kami rito–kami ng kapatid mo. Magpagaling ka, ha? Para masabi ko na sa'yo ang lahat ng bagay na kailangan mong malaman," dagdag niya pa, tango lamang ang aking nagawa. "Proud ako sa'yo, palagi," she said that makes me tear appart.
So I made her proud? Dang, it feels like a dream come true for me.
"Huwag kang umiyak, makakasama 'yan sa sitwasyon mo." She wiped my tears. She cooped my faced and kissed me on my forehead. "Mahal na mahal kita, palagi. Hindi kami mapapagod na hintayin ka hanggang sa maging okay ka na." I smiled and let my tears present my true feelings.
Ang bunso kong kapatid na kanina pa umiiyak ay lumapit na rin sa'kin. "Manang," tawag niya na nagpatingin sa'kin dito. "Miss na k-kita, miss na miss na kita." Her voiced cracked. "Umuwi ka na sa'min, please? Magpagaling ka na. Magsalita ka na." I wiped her tears. Iyakin pa rin pala siya.
Binalingan ko ng tingin si Eya na pilit itinago ang mga luha niya kasi pinupunasan niya ito ng panyo.
I caught her looking at me dahilan ng mas napaiyak siya. "Miss ko na mga pangaral mo. Miss ko na boses mo. Miss ko na ang tungkol lahat sa'yo," diretso niyang sabi na nagpaiyak sa'kin ng tuluyan.
My heart melts. There's in me saying that I should forget the past and live now and tomorrow with them. I should start living my life with them–with a brandnew starts with my gems.
"Miss ko na rin kayo," I mouthed. Nais kong marinig nila iyon gamit ang boses ko pero ayaw talaga.
Without any hesitation, she walked closer to me and hugged me tight. I missed her–I missed them.
"Miss na rin kita," sabi ng isang pamilyar na boses na nagpahinto sa'min.
Napalingon ako sa likod ni Eya dahilan ng makita ko ang taong lagi akong iniligtas mula sa mapangahas na mundo.
I give all my strenght to speak for what I have seen.
"J-jepoy?"