Holden POV
She had walked away from me, I was unsure if the ache in my heart was from her or my own, but I knew the last thing I wanted was for us to have distance but she was right, emotional distance without physical distance would only cause us more pain, would cause her more pain, because I was the only one doubting, still doubting, from the moment I found out she was my mate until now I have doubt and she has always known with her whole heart. Is it possible to use both your head and your heart? If I could it would make my life so much easier; the image of her walking replayed over and over in my brain, as I zoned out with my meeting with Cooper, staring at the green coloured wall, as my mind ran over that conversation hundred times in my head and hundred times I came up with better things to say, words that better explained my feelings, instead of making her feel I am blaming her for my father being traded off, inevitably to his death.
I hit my hand on my desk with a thud, cursing myself under my breath which made Cooper flinch a little at the action,
"The only person you're protecting is yourself, you know?" Cooper speaks out of the blue; I look up at him where he stood to deliver the stats of the new pups who have joined the defence line.
"Lily has already spoken to you?" I question,
"She has explained the situation in as agonisingly little detail as possible, but I know it's your doing, your fault and your emotions you are trying to protect" I growl at him, at the sheer audacity he had to speak his mind,
"Can I not tell my best friend and Alpha he is being an idiot, when he mostly certainly is being one?" I sighed in defeat,
"I don't know what happened, she told me everything she knew, everything she had discovered and pieced together, she believed I would be able to handle it, wanted us to be in this together, but all I could keep thinking about was my father, how my father turned into this monster, the man who helped me during my first shift, who coached me on what happened when you find your mate, who kept me at his side, the man who believed in me, who believed I would be a good Alpha, how his words became poisoned by his hate, by his greed. I lost sight of who he had become by dwelling on the man I was grieving". my eyes fell to the floor in guilt, I was a coward,
"I remember that man too, who took as hunting, who taught us to fight, encouraged us to spar with each other, taught us how to be men and wolves. I sometimes forget that man ever existed at all, because the truth is, he is not that man anymore and the blood of our pack, of our family his on his hands and he shows no remorse and he was not merciful when he wanted to execute me or Lily, those memories we look back on so fondly, have been erased from his mind, I was like a son to him and he would kill me so easily, as if the years I had spent with you and him meant nothing" Cooper was getting worked up, just like Lily had, but why am I so numb to it?
Before I could say anything, I scented my mother just before her small knock sounded at the door.
"I will report to Lily, I will see you in the morning" Cooper bowed his head before opening the door and greeting my mother, stepping aside to let her in,
"I hope I'm not interrupting" she smiles meekly, she has become a shell of herself lately,
"Not at all Luna, we were just finishing up anyway. I will be off, goodnight" my mother smiled after him as she closed the door.
"You are very lucky to have a Beta has loyal as Cooper." I agreed.
"Is there something you needed?" I ask, getting up from my chair and making my way around my desk, leading her to the couch that sat against the wall,
"I was just thinking about you, when you were younger, and your dad" dad it sounded like the word got caught in her throat. "How he would dote on you, stroke your head until you fell asleep, bringing you into our bed in the early hours of the morning because he missed you" tears were starting to well in her eyes,
"You need to hold onto those memories, mom, they will help you endure the coming days." I could see the mist in her eyes,
"How can you hand him over to the Hunters?" and there it is, her final plea to help keep her love alive.
"Mom" I sigh, standing up out of her hands that had moved to grasp my arm.
"He's your father, how can you be ok with sending him to die" she shouts,
"I'm not okay with it" I yell back at her, I see her flinch and instantly stopped, "I'm sorry" I run my fingers through my hair unsure of what to do next,
"You are the Alpha, not Lily, why is she making this decision?" she demands,
"Lily is the Infinite White, she speaks for the packs, she upholds the law and delivers justice when needed. She decides because she is the only one who can. I'm too close to this I can't make the choice to save him because he is my father, because I am haunted by my happy memories I have with him and none of that can change the fact that he doesn't deserve to be saved" I growled at her, "He killed my brothers mother" I spat out and I knew that it was wrong but I couldn't help myself, I had a brother, a brother who was struggling with who he was and his mother sort help from my father who ended up killing her. Her eyes went wide, I was unsure if she knew, or if she didn't think I knew she knew.
"That woman tried to weasel her way back into your father's life with lies of her child being his" my mother argued back, "He lost his temper when she refused to come clean, and an accident happened that sadly resulted in her death and the council decided his life shouldn't be forfeit because of an accident" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"I know you want to believe that, because he is your mate, it is a fantasy that I would also like to indulge in, but he did wrong and now he needs answer for it" I could tell she wanted to plead again but one look shut her down.
"Perhaps its better if you stay at the house when the everything goes down" I suggested, her eyes turned hard as they looked at me,
"Like hell I will" the venom in her words made me step back, as she rose from the sofa and walked to the door.
"He won't be dying alone. He dies, I'll kill the Infinite White" she threatened before exiting the office, leaving me in shocked at the promise that lingered in her eyes.