"Mama when I get us a new house you might as well move in with us."
"And hure you and Cliff all night? No thank you...I'll stick with my weekly visits."
"Yeah, A'ight."
"I want you to know that I'm so proud of you and I love you so much."
"I love you to sha- "
"LaMarques? I can't- the phones breaking up."
"Mama?! Mama, can you hear me?"
"BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
_________________
I woke up in a cold sweat, shaking and heart pounding. I'd been having the same dream since the last time I talked to LaMarques. I couldn't bring myself to come to terms that it was a possibility I would never get to hear his voice again.
Everything was such a mess; it was literally draining me mentally and affecting me physically. I couldn't sleep, I barely ate and hell half the time I didn't even have the energy to eat. I was a complete total mess.
After fully sitting up on the couch I looked around and saw Miss Ernestine sitting in her chair.
"Miss Ernestine. I- I didn't hear you come downstairs." I pulled the cover off my lap and placed it next to me.
"I been down here for a good minute now... you still having the same dream?"
"Yeah, It's- It's all just too much. I just can't handle it." I told her honestly.
"This all-Clifford's fault. You wait, ooowwwweee you just wait. I'ma give her a good ass whooping when she gets out!"
"A what?" I laughed.
"You heard me. She gettin' a good ass whooping, between me and Beulah, we ain't give her enough when she was little and now look, her ass locked up, and she got my man shot."
"Oh Lord, yo man?!"
"Yes, Lil Murda was supposed to be with me. When he wakes up, we gon get married since Clifford locked up."
"I just can't with you." I stood up.
"It's not my fault, yo son like his women a lil 'olda." She laughed.
"You know what- I- "I just shook my head at her silliness.
I guess she was right tho, Clifford was twice his age but that didn't bother me. Nothing bothered me with Clifford. I was thankful for her coming into LaMarques life. Since being back in his life I saw a lot of things that changed within him.
I believed Clifford was the only reason he even started back communicating with me. Had it not been for Woddy practically kidnapping him and for Clifford being in his life he probably wouldn't have spoken to me outside of the little text messages I would receive from time to time.
"Miss Ernestine, I'on think Clifford gon give up her man that easily and you can't blame her for what happened."
"Why not? It happened at her club, and she was there."
"True but she was arrested remember?"
"Ah hell, Clifford came out the coochie switching. She ain't did nothin', probably locked up because of tickets or sumthin'."
"I'on know Miss Ernestine. They wouldn't have kept her this long if it was just tickets."
"They would if you been duckin' and dodgin'em like Clifford been."
"I'll call Tru and see if he knows anything. What chu want me to cook today?" I asked her walking into the kitchen.
I looked in the refrigerator and saw we were running low on food and didn't have many options.
"Cook?! Nope, don't want it."
"What's wrong with my cookin?" I laughed.
"Reminds me of Clifford's chicken and dressing."
"Well, we can go out to eat, where you wanna go?"
"I want some of that food you got me yesterday. You know the mea- "
"The meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green beans and honey cornbread." I said walking back into the living room.
I knew exactly what she was talking about. She was talking about the food Woddy brought for us yesterday. The food really was good, but I didn't know where he got it from, and I wasn't about to call him to find out.
"Yeah, I want that again. It sholl was good. Almost good as Lil Murda's cooking. Where'd you get it from?"
"I don't know. Woddy brought it." I told her.
"Call 'em, maybe we can all go sit down and eat together."
"I'on wanna call him."
"Why not?"
"We not seeing eye to eye right now."
"Ah hell! My ass is blind, so that ain't got shit to do with me! Call that bwoy!"
"Miss Ernestine..."
"What could ya'll possibly not see eye to eye on at a time like this!?"
"He made me a promise. He promised me he would have LaMarques... Lil Murda's back, and now he's in the hospital fightin' for his life.'"
"Have you ever sat down and thought about how he feels? I'm sure he's tried to tell you, but you only trying to see one side of things. I swear Lil Murda musta saw some of you in Clifford , y'all both stubborn."
"It's only one way to see it..."
"Lil Murda wouldn't want ya'll fightin' and you're too old for all that shit. Call that bwoy, cause I'm not eating nothing you cook. We gotta stop by the store first and then we can meet him for lunch." She stood up and started walking towards the door.
"Okay Miss Earnestine, I'll call him. What chu need from the store?" I reached for my purse, grabbed my car keys and walked towards the front door.
"I need to get some liquor and weed baby, just liquor and weed."
I looked at her and shook my head. I never knew what was going to come out of her mouth.
"You gone get me in trouble wit- "
As soon as I opened the front door at least twenty cops barged in and started going in all directions. They were in the kitchen, living room and upstairs. One cop came and stood in front of Miss Ernestine.
"Are you Ernestine Sayles? Is this your home?"
"I- what's- "I pulled Miss Ernestine behind me. She was clearly scared and so was I.
"Yes, this is her home. What's going on?!" What is all this?!
"Ma'am step aside, we need to speak directly to Miss Sayles." He tried to go around me and I stepped in front of him.
"I'm her caregiver, you can speak with me. You can't just barge in here like this, especially without telling us what's going on!"
"This piece of paper says that's exactly what we can and will do. We have a warrant to search the home. Stay out of our way."
He held up a piece of paper and I snatched it from him and sure enough it was a warrant to search the home. Cops were everywhere, looking through cabinets, messing up everything in the house. One cop even knocked over one of the lamps causing it to break.
"You just- "
"Ma'am we can, and we will. I need to know if there's a weapon in the house?"
"Yes! Yes, it's a weapon in the house." Miss Earnestine yelled.
Everyone stopped and looked at Miss Ernestine.
"Where's the weapon located?"
"Right here!" Miss Ernestine pointed to her vagina. "This pussy is a weapon! It done took out plenty of men! Made 'em weak in the knees. Had 'em hooked- "
"Miss Earnestine please! Not right now." When I turned back around to face the officer, he was gone. I pulled out my phone. "I'm going to call- "
"Christine Howard?"
I looked up and saw this Mexican cop walking towards me.
"I'm Maria Sanchez. I need to ask you a few questions."
"Ask me questions for what?! And how do you know who I am?"
"Are you or are you not LaMarques Howards mother?"
"I am, but again, ask me questions for what? Am I being arrested?"
"Well, since his father is dead, and since LaMarques can't speak for himself and probably will never speak again, that makes you the next person in line that might be able to clear his name. "
"BITCH! You got some fuckin' nerve. You don't- "Miss Ernestine yelled.
"Miss Ernestine calm down. I'll handle it."
I stepped closer to the officer.
"You got one more time to mention my son."
"Or what? You gone beat my ass? You can try and it'll be at least ten officers tackling you down and you'll be right in jail with Clifford. Wait you can't be in jail with him because he's a man and you're actually a woman."
She stepped back and looked me up and down.
"You know what? With the way you're acting I'm not surprised LaMarques is in all the trouble he's in. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Maybe if you'd raised him in church, he would've turned out okay, but nope you ain't raise him... you let the streets do it."
"You don't know shit! I- "
"I know your son is gay and because of it, he's gotten involved with Clifford Sayles who's apart of the most notorious drug gangs, Delta Devoted. Clifford's been running drugs through his club and I'm sure he's the reason you'll never get to hear your sons voice again."
"Delta Devoted?"
"It doesn't surprise me that you would play dumb just like Clifford did. Clifford's been running drugs through his club, and you think that's someone who loves your son? He knew the dangers of what could happen. I tried to give him a way out, he could've put an end to all this, but he didn't, He would rather drag himself and your son down."
"Clifford wouldn't do- "
"And you would know this because what? ...You've gotten mother of the year award? You've been in your son's life enough to know everything he's done, or know everyone he's involved with?"
Stay calm Christine...
"Yeah, I see the cat's got your tongue. Now as I was saying before, I need to ask you some questions and let's try and make this quick before you get a call from the hospital saying you need to start making funeral arrangements."
"You have no right to come into this motherfu- "
"You should really watch your mouth. Clifford's actions give me the right and anything you or his grandmother say can be used against you."
"I ain't scared of no po po, hoe!"
I just shook my head at Miss Ernestine, she was gon get us both locked up.
"Look I can tell you're not up to speed on what's all going on. I suggest you start making some calls."
She walked away and I called the one person I didn't want to talk to but needed the most.
After seeing ol' girl last night it took everything in me not to run up in her house, tie her ass up and find out what she knew about LaMarques being shot.
The only reason I held back was because she was at the club when LaMarques proposed to Clifford, so I knew she was of some importance to one of them.
I picked up my boy Crazy from the airport about an hour ago and this niggah refused to do anything before getting something to eat.
"Niggah, how many wings you gon eat?"
"As many as my stomach can hold."
"Niggah this aint no all you can eat buffet! You do know prices is going up on basically every fucking thing, right? Especially food! They charging like $2.00 per wing."
"You called me remember? Your obligated to feed me." He laughed and ate another wing.
"Well hurry up so we can go."
"Damn just straight to it huh? You ain't gone show a niggah around town?"
"We ain't got time for all that."
"Where are we going? You still haven't told me why I'm here."
"I told chu. We gone burn this- "
"Whole muthafucking city to the ground. Yeah yeah, I heard all that, but what you left out was the reason why."
"Since when you started needing a reason?" I asked him.
"I'm here, right? So obviously I don't need a reason but one minute you asking me to help you find your girlfriends little brother, then I ask you for a picture, then you go silent and now you got me here to unleash hell on all of Mississippi."
"Look, some shit went down the night you asked me to send you a picture. My brother was shot, and I thought it would be an easy kill because it's only one person I know for sure who would be stupid enough to try him, but I saw something the other night that got me questioning who really had something to do with it...I think he was set up."
"I ain't never known you to hold off on killing someone, especially if you thought they hurt your family so why not just kill both of 'em?"
"See, I can't just do that. She was at the club the night he was shot. She holds importance to her, but I don't know how."
"Motive?" He asked me.
"I don't know."
"Niggah, you been out here in Mississippi a lil too long. You all tha way messed up right now. You haven't even made your first move and you already moving sloppy. Tru, you know I don't do sloppy."
"How I'm moving sloppy?"
"Because you're too emotional and instead of using common sense you just reacting, you too eager to hit back. This a small-town Tru, I'm sure it's not gone be hard to figure shit out. You need to move quiet & smart, not loud & stupid."
He was right. This wasn't how I moved. I needed to slow down, especially after seeing what I saw yesterday, I knew it had to be more to the story than just some HVH vs CFC gang shit.
"You want me to call some people back home and tell them to keep looking for yo girls' brother. I need- "
My phone started ringing and I pulled it out my pocket. It was Winter calling me. I was fucking up with her. I haven't answered any of her calls or seen her since the night of the shooting.
"Nah..." I put my phone back in my pocket and looked at Crazy. "Nah, it's cool. Look I gotta make a quick stop by the house before we really hit the streets, so can yo ass please hurry up."
"My niggah, you tha worst host ever."
__________________
"Niggah you traded your luxury life in Texas for this?" Crazy asked me as I pulled into a parking spot.
We both got out the car and he looked around.
"Whew chile the ghetto... the ghetto."
"Niggah fuck you and come on."
Before the shooting I was planning on getting a house, especially with the baby coming but...I didn't know what I was going to do now.
As soon as we made it up the stairs, I couldn't even make it all the way through the door before Winter rushed over to me and gave me a hug.
"Winter I- "Before I could say anything else she pulled back and punched me. "Ah shit!"
"Why would you leave me worried like that?!"
"I'm sorry, I just had to clear my head for a minute."
"You could've answered at least one of my calls and told me that Tru!"
"I'm sorry iight? Come hure." I reached for her and pulled her close to me.
"I'm sorry okay, it's just a lot of shit running through my mind right now and I just gotta try and get shit together."
"I know, I just don't want you to shut me out. How's LaMarques?"
"I don't know."
"You still haven't gone to see him?" She asked me.
"I can't see him like that."
She looked at me for a minute then turned and looked at Crazy, we had been so caught up with each other that we didn't even see when this niggah came in and sat down on the couch.
"Who are you?" Winter asked him.
"This my boy Crazy, you know the one I was telling you about that night."
"Oh yeah, the one you said might have some information about my brother." She walked over towards the couch. "I'm Winter."
"And who's that?" He asked pointing to Winters stomach.
"Don't ask Tru because he'll say something like that's lil Albert or Lily-Mae." They both turned around and looked at me.
"What?!"
"Niggah, Albert?" Crazy started laughing. "You ain't even tell me you were going to be a daddy niggah, congratulations."
"It's been a lot going on since that night. I'm sure he didn't even get to show you the picture of my brother," Before I could stop her, she pulled out her phone and handed it too Crazy. "This my brother, have you seen him?"
Crazy looked at the picture then looked at me and back at Winter.
"I think the closest anyone of us is going to see him is right here in this picture." Crazy handed her back her phone and she looked at him.
"What you mean?"
"I'm just saying, we ain't ever- "
"He just saying the closest we gone see him is in the picture because he's here in Mississippi and not in Texas looking for him."
"Oh okay, well what are you doing in Mississippi?" Winter asked him.
"That's a good question, been trying to figure that out myself." Crazy said looking at me.
I swear...this niggah.
"He's here to help me out with something. Speaking of, we need to head out. I'll be back later." I told Winter and gave her a kiss.
"You think you'll be able to make it to the doctor's appointment with me tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I got chu Shawty."
"Mmmm... it smells good in here."
I had just gotten out the shower and gotten dressed. Keyshawn already had the kids up, dressed and sitting at the kitchen table. I picked up Regal from her highchair and sat down at the table with Jayden.
"What chu wanna do today, Jay?" I asked him.
"Ummm...get toys."
"Yeah, we can do that. We just gotta- "
"Woddy he already got too many toys as it is." Keyshawn said.
"See I was about to say we just gotta convince your mom, you know she stay hatin."
"Woddy!"
"I'm just saying' you can never have to many toys. It's not gon hurt if we get a few more." I told her.
"It ain't nowhere to put all the toys." She said placing a plate of food down in front of me. She reached for Regal and put her back in her highchair.
"That just means we need a bigger house, right?"
"Nope we just gotta stop buying toys." She said laughing. She brought Jay his food and we all started eating.
"Mmmm...this is good Key." I looked over at Jayden who was stuffing his face right along with me. "Mommy did good huh Jay?"
"It's good mommy." He stuffed another piece of his pancake in his mouth and gave a thumbs up.
"Thank you, baby."
"So, we need to add being a chef to your list of talents?" I asked her.
"I can do a little somethin' somethin'. I might even cook better than Murda."
"Whoa now. I'on now about all that. That boy can throw down."
"Of course, you would stick up for him, he's your brother...but we both know the truth."
"Yeah, we do...and the truth is LaMarques cooks better."
She rolled her eyes and turned back around to finish feeding Regal.
"Aw, don't be mad." I stood up and grabbed my plate.
"I'm not mad, All I'm saying is when he wakes up, we just gon have to battle it out in the kitchen."
"I went into the kitchen and stated washing my plate.
"I'm just sayin' he can- "My phone started ringing. "Who is it Key?"
"Um..." She grabbed my phone and looked at it. "It's Miss Christine, you want me to answer it?"
"Nah."
She was probably in one of her moods where she wanted to blame me for everything, and I didn't wanna hear it.
"Why not?"
"Ever since the shooting all she's been doing is blaming me. I'on wanna hear it."
The phone started ringing again and Key walked over to me and held out my phone.
"She's calling again. It could be important. Keep being the bigger person and answer the phone."
I dried my hands off and took the phone.
"I'm only answering because you want me to." I told her.
"Thank you." She gave me a quick kiss then walked back to the table. I took a deep breath and answered the phone.
"Hello... hold up, hold up...slow down...what happen? Okay, okay, I'm on my way."
I hung up the phone and walked to the bedroom. Keyshawn followed behind me.
"What happen? Is something wrong with Murda?"
"Nah, she said cops barged in the house, served a search warrant and basically made a mess of everything. Miss Ernestine was in the back yelling "I'm bout to go to jail. I'm bout to go to jail." I don't know what's that all about. But knowing them two together and with they attitude, they probably are about to go to jail."
"Do you need me to do anything?"
"I'll handle it." I put on my shoes and stood up. "Do you need anything from me? If you need me to stay, I'll st- "
"Woddy go! We'll be fine."
"And you promise you'll cal- "
"Yes. I promise I'll call you if I need anything."
I gave her a quick kiss, grabbed my keys and left.
__________________
"What tha fuck!"
I tried pulling up to Miss Ernestine's house, but they had the whole street blocked. I parked on another street and walked over to the crowd of people that were standing outside watching.
"That don't make no sense! These pigs stay messing with us black folks."
"I swear, we need to get Mayor Woodbine down here, she'll help us."
"Yeah, let's get the news down here!"
"We need to defund the police!"
They kept going on and on about what they were going to do, and I snuck past them. I had almost made it through the front door before some cop stopped me.
"Sorry sir you can't go in."
"MISS CHRISTINE!" I yelled. It was too many cops for me to try and argue. I just wanted to put eyes on Miss Christine and Miss Ernestine.
"Sir I said you can't go in." The cop tried to put his hands on me, and I shoved them away. He reached for his gun.
"Aye John. I got it. I can handle him."
I looked and saw it was the same dude that tried to sign Murda a while back. He was an undercover cop all this time!!!
"Man, what tha fuck you doing?!"
"I'm doing my job, executing a search warrant on the home of a drug dealer."
"This whole time you been playin us?"
"Like I said, I'm doing my job don't let your hurt feelings get you locked up."
"Uncle Clifford ain't no fuckin drug dealer."
"Clifford ain't the only one we got something on."
"LaMarques ain't do shit either."
"Let's cut the shit and stop acting like he innocent. Lil'Murda, come on now, ain't no innocent man named Lil' Murda."
"Niggah fuck you."
"I bet you wish you could but I ain't with that gay shit. I'll leave that to yo boy."
"Niggah I'll- "
"Look, if you were doing your job, you would've caught on that I was a cop. You need to be thanking me, I could've left LaMarques bleeding out on the ground, but I'm an officer first and criminal or not I have a duty to uphold. So, step the fuck back and let us handle shit since we both know that's something you can't do."
He walked back into the house, and I pulled out my phone to call Andre.
After losing the preliminary hearing case I felt bad. I was so confident that I was going to win and have Clifford out of jail that same day but when I saw the Judge that was presiding over the case, I knew then it wasn't going to be easy.
I was going to need some help and who better to call than an old friend of mines, Jacqueline Stewart. She agreed to help me with the case and made it here the very next day. Before we headed over to the prison to see Clifford, I decided to treat us to some lunch at Taffe's.
"Whoa now, slow down. The food ain't going nowhere." I laughed and took a sip of my coffee.
"Oh my God! Do you know how long it's been since I've had some good southern cooking like this?!"
"I imagine it's been a Mississippi minute?"
"Yes, it has." She took a bite of her food.
"You know when I called you, I didn't think you was going to answer...you know with you being all famous now."
"I'm not famous Andre."
"You sure about that? All I see on the news is "Jaqueline Stewart wins another case" That Brayden Miller case was one for the books."
"I didn't know Los Angeles news made it all the way to Chucalissa...you sure it's on the news or you just been keeping up with me?"
"Maybe, maybe not." I shrugged my shoulders and smiled.
"Well either way, it's good to see you, Andre."
"It's good seeing you too Jax... it's been a long time."
"Yeah, I know, how's everything going for you? I heard about your loss...how are you holding up?"
"So, you're the one that's been keeping up with me and not the other way around..." I gave her a small smile.
"Maybe, maybe not."
"Hmph., I've been okay. I hate it took losing my God Daddy for me to realize this was where I should've been all along."
I often though about my God Daddy. I know he would probably turn over in his grave if he knew I was helping Clifford and that I had partially made it to being part of the framily.
"How's Lewis and the kids?" I asked her.
"Fine, the kids keep me on my toes especially that boy of mines."
"Aww come on now, he can't be that bad."
"Okay, you just wait until you and Britany have kids, she'll be saying the same thing.... How's she doing?"
I took a deep breath.
"I think our marriage has run its course. She not very supportive of my new living and career choice."
"How did we do that Andre?"
"Do what?"
"How did we both end up with the career we wanted, only to marry people that can't stand it?"
"I have not idea."
We stared at each other until she finally broke up our staring contest.
"I guess we better get going."
"Yeah, your right. I need to speak with Clifford and let her know our plan."
Just as we were about to leave my phone started ringing. I looked and saw it was Woddy.
"Hey Woddy...wait what?!...okay, okay I'm on my way." I hung up and looked at Jax.
"Change of plans." I told her.
"What happen?"
"They just executed a search warrant on Clifford's home."
"What did they find?" She asked me.
"I don't know, let's go."
We both got in my car and headed to Clifford's house.
____________________
"Okay now run this by me again."
"I told you. We were leaving to go to the store and when I opened the front door about twenty police barged in and started searching the house." Miss Christine said.
"Then I came as soon as she called me and one of the officers was someone who tried to sign Lil Murda, but come to find out he was a cop all alone."
"And this one Mexican bitch ass cop almost got her ass beat, she was saying all kinds of stuff about my son...like she'd been looking & watching him, well, us for a while."
I swear it was something new every day...
"Did they find anything?" Jax asked.
"Who this hoe?" Miss Earnestine asked.
"Miss Earnestine!" Woddy said.
"I'm sorry baby... that was rude of me.... I should've asked are you a hoe?"
"I-I- "Jax stuttered answering. She was probably just as shocked as I was, now I see where Clifford got it from.
"It's okay, we all been hoes at least once in our life."
"This is Jacqueline Stewart, she's a lawyer and friend of mines I asked to help me with Clifford's case."
"What was Clifford arrested for?" Miss Christine asked me.
"Drug Distribution and soliciting."
"Oh LORD! That's two-ass whoppings when she gets out. I told Clifford a hoe livin in a house full of strippers 'ventually gone wake up in a brothel."
"Wait...so she really was selling drugs?"
"No, she was just holding 'em." Woddy said.
"You knew about this?" She turned and asked Woddy. "So, this was a drug deal gone bad...and LaMarques got caught in the middle?"
Woddy just shook his head and remained quiet. The tension between them two was heavy.
"We don't know anything for sure, let's not jump to conclusions. It's obviously a lot more pieces missing. We were just heading to go see Clifford before you called. I'll talk with her and keep ya'll updated."
Jax and I stayed and little bit longer to help get the house back in order. Once everything was back in place, we left to go visit Clifford.
"Just the tip huh?"
"What I just...got kinda carried away."
"Aye Cliff, I'll be right back. I'ma go outside and see what my mama wants."
"Wait, if you wanna back out now you better say somethin' after tomorrow you stuck with me."
"We can go to Las Vegas tonight, I heard they got 24-hour Chapels."
"Bwoy! I love you so much. I can't wait to marry you tomorrow."
"I love you to Cliff."
"Always & Forever."
"Earth & Heaven"
_________________
"Clifford...Clifford Sayles." I slowly opened my eyes and looked around.
"Uggghhh...why is it so bright in hure!" I tried to rub my head, but I couldn't move one of my hands. I looked and saw that it was handcuffed to the hospital bed.
"I'm nurse Joy, let me cut the lights down a bit and I'll go get the doctor."
She left to go get the doctor and came back no more than ten minutes later.
"Hello, I'm Doctor Brown, can you tell me your name?"
"Clifford Sayles."
"And do you know where you are?"
"In the hospital." I told him.
"Good, how are you feeling right now?"
"My head hurts a little bit." I told him.
"That's to be expected. You were brought in because you passed out. We ran some test and it's no swelling, but your iron level was low. Do you take daily vitamins or ever been prescribed iron pills?"
"No."
"That's the only alarming thing I saw with your test results. Low iron can cause breathing issues, dizziness, headaches and of course all that can cause you to pass out. I've written you out a prescription and it's already been verified and approved by the Warden. The correctional physician will administer the medication to you daily. Do you have any questions for me?"
"Can I please have my hand uncuffed? Please?"
I didn't even understand why I was handcuffed in the first place. Hell, where was my ass going to run off to?
"That's not up to me but I'll speak with the officers that's standing outside. I'll get the discharge paperwork filed and you'll be leaving shortly."
The doctor left out the room and went to talk to one of the two officers that were standing outside the room. One shook his head and then walked into the room.
"Do whatever is it you need to do, were leaving in ten minutes." He uncuffed my hand and left out the room.
I laid back, closed my eyes and just started crying.
"Are you in pain?" The nurse asked me.
"No...everythingisjustamessanditsallmyfaultishouldn'thaveeverlethimcomebacktotheclubnowhesbeenshotandmyfamilybeenlieingtomethiswholetime...I just-I just"
"Please just take a deep breath."
I took a deep breath in.
"Good and now slow breath out."
We repeated that a couple of times and I started to calm down.
"I wasn't able to catch anything you said you'll have to- "
She was interrupted by the doctor coming back in.
"You're all set to go."
I just nodded my head and he turned towards the nurse.
"Nurse Joy I'll need you to help out Nurse Allen for just a couple of hours on the ICU floor. Somehow word got out that, that rapper was here, and it's been a little crazy. I know she can use the help."
"Sure, no problem. I can help."
"Thanks, you're the best." He left out the room and I immediately sat up.
"What- What rapper is he talking about?"
"I'm sorry I can't say."
"Please, please can you just tell me? I need to know."
"I'm so sorry I can't give out any information."
"What- what if I ask and you just blink or something?"
"I'm sorry can't."
"WHY THA FUCK NOT???!!!!" I yelled.
As soon as I did that, I immediately regretted doing it. The two officers that were standing outside the room rushed in with their guns out , pointed at me. The nurse immediately stepped in front of me with her hands out.
"It's okay! It's okay! Everything's fine!" She turned and looked back at me. "Everything's fine right?"
I nodded my head quickly.
The officers slowly lowered their guns.
"Five minutes." One of the officers said and they both left out the room and the nurse turned back around.
"Look, I can't give you any information on a patient unless your family."
I'm his fucking fiancé bitch...
"I'm framily." I told her.
"Your Clifford Sayles, emergency room patient in room 22. Now unless you can get an actual verified family member to call the hospital to verify and authorize us to give out information, it's nothing I can tell you. I'll get the officers to hold off while you try to make some calls." She left out the room.
I understood she was just doing her job, but I didn't care about that protocol shit right now. I was literally in the same hospital as my man and I wanted to see him, get information... or...shit , just something! I reached for the phone and started making calls.
"Please.... please answer."
I tried calling Miss Christine first of course but she didn't answer. Then I tried Woddy, and he didn't answer either. I tried calling Tru, Winter, Keyshawn, Andre... hell I even tried Big L, but nobody answered. I don't even know why I tried. They been lying to me the whole time. Why would they do this to me?
"Any luck?" The nurse asked poking her head back in.
I just shook my head no.
"I'm sorry." She walked back into the room and shut the door. "I tried to hold the officers off as long as I could but- "
"I understand." I told her. I sat up and threw the covers back. I tried to get up and immediately sat back down on the bed.
"Let me help you."
The nurse came and helped me to the bathroom, and I went to use the restroom and washed my hands. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was a mess. I was a complete mess; this whole situation was a mess!
"Let's go inmate!"
Damn... I wasn't even in the bathroom that long and they were already in the room waiting for me to come out.
I changed back into my orange jumpsuit and opened the bathroom door.
"Turn around and put your hands behind your back."
I turned around and put my hands behind my back. The officer handcuffed me and walked me out to the waiting police car. Once I was in the back of the police car the other officer got in the car and started driving. I looked out the window thinking I would probably never be this close again to seeing LaMarques.
"You ain't raise him...you let the streets do it..."
The words that bitch as Mexican cop said to me earlier had been replying over and over in my head all day. Maybe because deep down I knew it was some truth to it. Before I decided to call it a day I only wanted to talk to and see one person.
I pulled into the hospital parking lot and parked my car. I sat in the car for a minute then got out and made my way to his room.
When I opened the door Nurse Allen was there placing some flowers down. I looked around his room and noticed he had at least ten flower arrangements.
"What's all this?" I asked her while placing my purse down.
"It's from his fans."
"Fans?"
"Yeah, they call themselves Murda Mafia. Ever since word got out, he was here they been showing up daily. Some leave letters, cards and flowers."
"That's nice."
"I put the letters and cards on the table so when he wakes up, he can read them."
It warmed my heart to hear that LaMarques had fans that genuinely loved him. They had love for my son, so much that they were sending cards, letters and flowers.
"You've been doing, okay? You look a little tired."
"Little isn't the word. I'm very tired & I can't sleep."
"Have you gone to see your doctor? They can prescribe you something to help you sleep."
"I might just have to do that." I told her and sat down in the chair next to LaMarques bed. "I wish I could just hear his voice, just one more time."
"You will, just trust God." She came over and gently rubbed my back. "He hasn't given up, he's still fighting. Talk to your son."
I just stayed quiet looking at LaMarques.
"Let me know if you need anything."
Nurse Allen left, and I scooted the chair closer to LaMarques and held his hand.
"I love you LaMarques. I'm sorry I didn't say it enough when you were younger. I'm sorry for not being the mother you needed me to be. I'm sorry I let the streets raise you. I've done so much wrong that this must be God's way of punishing me not taking care of you like I should've. It has to be, because why would God bring you back into my life just to take you away from me again? I've had to have done something wrong. I failed as a mother. When your dad died, I felt like I'd died right along with him. I wasn't strong enough to step up and take care of you like I was supposed to do. I forced you to have to grow up quick and that's why you felt that the streets raised you."
I wiped my eyes and held his hand tighter.
"I've been mad at everybody and everything except the one person that's really to blame...me. If I would've been the mother, you needed me to be then you wouldn't have had to turn to the streets, join a gang, or done the things you did in order to keep a roof over our head and clothes on our back. I'm scared... scared that I'm going to lose you and if that happens, I won't be able to handle it. I won't have a purpose anymore. Nothing else in life would matter if your gone."
I took a deep breath and put my head down.
"God please, please if you have to take somebody take me. Take me and let LaMarques live. He has so much to do, so much to see, so much life to live. I- I know he'll be fine without me. He has so much love surrounding him that I know he'll be fine.... just let him live."
After a few more minutes of just holding his hand, I stood up, gave him a kiss on the forehead and headed back to Miss Earnestine's house.
______________________
....🏥 ❤️🩹💔🏥 ❤️🩹💔...
I'm sorry for not being the mother you needed me to be.
I'm sorry I let the streets raise you.
March 2017
"Uggh..." I held onto my stomach and rocked back and forth. This was the 3rd day I'd gone without food. I didn't think I was going to be able to take it much longer.
I got up and went into the kitchen hoping I could find something, anything for me to eat so this hunger pain would go away.
"Fuck!" I slammed the refrigerator door shut after looking and seeing what I already knew I would find...nothing. I went and knocked on my mamas room door.
"Mama..." I knew she was in her room because I could hear her crying, that's all she ever seemed to do. "Mama..." I said knocking again.
She still didn't answer, and I slowly opened her room door. She was sitting on the bed with her head down and a piece of paper in her hand.
"Mama..." This time she turned towards me.
"What is it LaMarques?! You know you suppose to knock!"
"I- I did, I'm- "
"WHAT??!! WHAT IS IT?!"
"My stomach hurts...I'm hungry."
"Then go find something to eat! I can't hold your hand for ever fucking thing right now! I got other shit to worry about , you gotta grow up and start figuring shit out on your own!"
She got up from the bed and walked over to the door. She had tear in her eyes.
"I just can't right now LaMarques. You gotta grow tha fuck up." She slammed the door in my face, and I just stood there looking at the door taking in everything she'd said to me.
She really didn't care about me. Tears started to fall from my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away.
"Fuck this." I went to my room, grabbed my jacket, and headed out the front door. As soon as I stepped outside, I came face to face with the landlord. This wasn't the first time he'd come by, so I already knew what this visit was about.
"Aye bwoy, whur yo mama?"
"She ain't hure." I lied.
"Don't be lying to me bwoy!"
"Look, I said she ain't hure. What chu need?"
"I want my money. I already let ya'll go past the 1st cause yo daddy just died but it's- "
"I'll have it tomorrow." I told him and started walking away. He followed behind me.
"No, you'll have it today or I'll throw ya'll shit out on the streets. Ya'll still behind on last month's rent. I want the full twenty-eight hundred today!"
"I just need time to get the money."
"You got until seven o'clock tomorrow mornin'. If I don't have my money by then ya'll stuff gon be on the curb."
"Iight, I'll have it." I told him and stated walking towards the corner store.
I didn't know how I was gon come up with that much money by tomorrow. I just had to tell him something so he would hold off, while I tried to figure something out. As I walked to the store, I thought of any and everything I could on how I could come up with tha rent money but nothing I thought of was gon work.
When I walked into the store, I didn't plan on stealing anything but as I walked around looking at everything, I just started grabbing shit. I knew the lil' ten dollars I has in my pocket wasn't enough to pay for all the stuff I'd grabbed so I tried to make a run for it.
"AYE! GET BACK HERE!"
The store owner came around the counter and tried to catch up to me. I almost made it out the store until I ran into what felt like a brick wall.
"Damn." I tied to hurry up and get back up, but the store owner came and yanked me up by my arm. "Let me go fat muthafucka!" I tried getting out of the store owners grip, but he had a good hold on me.
I turned and looked at the man that I'd ran into. His 6-foot 200-and-something-pound frame towered over me and demanded attention. He was dressed in red and green from head to toe. With the way he was dressed and the fact he had bodyguards you could tell he was someone with power, and it was only one person who could hold power like this in this neighborhood.
"Let 'em go Dean." The man told the store owner while still staring at me.
"But he was steal- "
The dude turned and looked at the store owner and he immediately let me go and picked up the stuff I was trying to steal.
"Yeah, take yo fat ass back around the counter." I snatch my arm away.
"Call me when you get ready to handle his lil thieving ass." The store owner said walking away.
"Man whatever!" I turned around and tried walking out the store, but ol' dude blocked me.
"'Excuse me Niggah." I tried to go around him, but he stopped me again.
I looked at him and he was just staring at me. The fact that he was just staring at me and not saying anything- made me think he wasabout to kill my ass. I started thinking of another exit plan. I could turn around and try and make a run out the back door but I'm sure he'd have his bodyguard on my ass in a heartbeat.
"What's your name?" His voice was strong and deep.
I didn't respond. Shit if he was about to kill me it wasn't no reason, he needed to know my name. He wasn't about to go around town claiming me as one of his bodies. I thought about running out the back again, but two body-build ass niggahs came in the store and stood behind me.
"You know who I am?"
"Yeah," The streets stayed whispering. I knew who he was, just never thought I'd run into him. "You Cain."
"You know why they call me Cain?"
"Because you killed yo brother."
"So, what chu think I'ma do to a lil niggah like you that's trying to steal from me?"
"Fuck you mean trying, I almost got away until yo hard body-built ass stopped me."
The dude standing behind him moved to step to me, but Cain put his arm out stopping him.
"It's cool Lantae. Lil niggah got heart." He turned towards the dude and whispered something to him. He nodded his head and moved towards me. I held up my hands ready to fight. "What chu doing?" He asked me.
"If you gon kill me it ain't gon be easy. I ain't scared of nothing and I ain't going out like no bitch."
Cain and the Lantae dude looked at me and then laughed. Cain nodded towards the counter and Lantae walked away.
"Easy lil killa. Ain't nobody gon kill you." Lantae came back over towards us with two bags in his hand. He handed them to Cain, and Cain looked at me. "Come ride wit me." He turned around to leave out the store but when he realized I wasn't moving he stopped and looked back at me.
"Look, I'm not gon kill you. You can trust me."
I stood still with my hands still up ready to fight for my life. I didn't believe a word he said.
"Look, if I wanted to kill you, I would have already done it. I would've killed you and had them." He pointed to his men. "Clean it up and went on about my day as if nothing ever happened."
I couldn't figure out if he was playin' with me or not. I lowered my hands and thought to myself, he was right. He didn't seem like the type to play games.... he was too powerful. This time around when he turned to leave out the store, I followed behind him to his car. He unlocked the door and I got into the passenger seat.
"Whur you live?" He passed me the bags he had in his hand and started the car. I looked in the bags and saw it was all tha shit I was trying to steal, but doubled. "Whur you live?" He asked me again.
I told him my address and he started driving. I didn't know why I told him, but I soon realized it didn't matter. Even if he tried coming for me, he wouldn't find me since we were going to be put out tomorrow.
He pulled in front of my house, turned the car off and looked at me.
"So, now what? I owe you?"
"What's your name?" He asked me completely ignoring what I'd just asked him.
"LaMarques..."
"How old are you?"
"Fifteen."
"You tryna make some money?" He asked me.
It was at that very moment my stomach decided to growl loud as fuck. I turned and looked out the window and nodded my head. "Yeah,' I said softly.
"Aye, look at me." When I turned around and looked at him, he has this look on his face that I didn't see back at the store. He had a look of softness.... like he cared. He placed his hand on my knee and rubbed a little.
"I got chu."