Unedited
Devaysa looked at Sona sleeping peacefully on their bed, and quietly made his way out of their room. They have been with his mom and dad in their house since he had come back from Kerala. Time spent with them was warm, it reminded him of his childhood, the care, the love. His parents love was like a big fluffy warm blanket wrapping around him from all the side, making him feel safe. Every night all four of them sits down every night after dinner, chatting away till late night. However, the voice still came back from time to time, whenever her mother said something sarcastically or in a taunting way, it came and it stayed. Stayed till the dawn broke, till Devasya's mind couldn't focus anymore on his work, till Sona would wake up to notice his absence from the bed, till his eyes screamed and screeched at him to close them. It told him all type of things, the bad overpowering the good, as it always have.
How strange is human mind? It can conjure up a foe or a friend. It can tell you all type of things, make you believe them too. It can make you loose your mind, it can overpower your body. However, today the voice has another topic on it, it told him how selfish he was. How he couldn't look after the only thing that has given him solace. It told him about his uselessness. It told him how Sona can always do better than him. How he was not worth it. How he never was.
People say mental health is a myth. It doesn't exist nor does it matter. They say how it depends upon how strong your will power is, they say if you can't control it then you're a weak man, they say that it's all in your head, they say that you love to victimise yourself, they say that you don't know half of how much they love you, they say that you are an attention seeking human, they say you're selfish.
People say a lot of things about the issues of mental health, the one Devasya deals alone with. Sometimes, he thinks they are right. He thinks that its true, its true he loves victimising himself, he loves the attention. But then everytime his mother scowls at him, he rethinks and re-evaluate everything he has dealt with, his entire life. He doesn't know anymore if he is living an illusion or is this the real world. Does every breath that he takes, real? Does every time his heart beats, it pumps the blood forward? It's all confusing and absolutely tiring.
Devasya is tired.
He doesn't know what he can do to make everything right, he can't afford a therapist because he doesn't have enough money, he can't tell someone because everyone thinks mental health issues are an illusion, a fake scenario you tell everyone about to gain sympathy and attention. He doesn't know how to tell Sona that he never meant to forget about her. He doesn't know how to talk to her about it when her eyes shows the blackness and hollowness like of the planet, Pluto that has been left behind by everyone, deceived by its own sun, left out by its own friends. He doesn't know how to solve the case he has been on in his company. He doesn't know why would the company deceive him. He doesn't know what people gather by stealing and by lying, what do they gain by giving pain to others? Today, his mamaji looked at him like he never had. Devasya could never forget that single speck of doubt peeking out his eyes today.
Devasya is tired now.
Of holding himself together all time. This time he might just let go.
****
Maya dumped all the dirty clothes in the washing machine and washed her hands. Turning on the washing machine quickly, she turned around with a million things running around in her head. She stopped dead in her track seeing her son with his head in his arms. The scowl on his face enough to tell her about the distress of his life. His furrowed eyebrows hurt her heart. She moved towards him swiftly, all work forgotten.
Devasya felt a hand running through his hair and he flinched. Standing up quickly, he noticed his mother's shocked expression. He has never ever flinched from her touch. Well, everything has a first time. He looked into her eyes with the voice screaming at the back of his mind. It won't shut up. He want to shut it up, he wants it to go away, he scrunches his eyes shut and focus on chanting the hare krishna mahatmantra in his head. Devasya only has had one friend in his entire life, Krishna.
Maya looks up at her son with sadness lacing her eyes. What has she done now? Isn't a mother's touch supposed to give relief to the child? Then why would her son rather flinch and sit away from her? Maya looks up as Rehan enters the living room. Rehan notices his wife's crestfallen expression and immediately goes up to take her in a side hug.
"Maya, jaan, kya hua?"
"He flinched Rehan, w-when I tried to h-hug him" Maya answered in between her sobs. Rehan shock quickly turned into anger looking at his wife's tears. He could never bear her tears, not for her son, not for anyone. He looked sharply at Devaysa sitting with his eyes scrunched up and murmuring the mahamantra his wife taught her, the one he pushed away. Anger quickly clouded his vision and he got up to take Maya into his arms into their room. Murmuring quick sweet reassurances into her ear, he made her lay down on the bed and tucked her in.
He walked back into the loving room with Devaysa now staring straight out of the window with a dazed look into his eyes. Rehan's steps faltered, does his son need him? Why does he looks like a man with thousands of worries on his shoulders? His expression softened. He moved towards him but before he could say anything, Devaysa stood up and stood onto the side, avoiding and ignoring Rehan completely.
The sight of his wife's tears and the blatant disrespect clouded his vision once again, with the love for his son being overshadowed by his ego. He furrowed his eyebrows and called to Devaysa loudly.
Devaysa came back to the present after hearing his father's thundering voice, he has been lost. The voice, it was on full war inside him. He could not focus on anything. His father's shoes came into his view and he looked up, when a stinging sound echoed around the room.
His father slapped him. How? How could he have come to the same place again for which he had tried with all his might to leave behind. The voice cackled loudly, laughing, howling with amusement. Pity and humour lacing its tone, it continued to tig Devasya away from the reality and into the illusion and darkness it was creating.
Rehan looked at him angrily, how could he disrespect not only his mother but also his father at the same time by throwing tantrums when he was too old for it? His anger fuelled some more after noticing the glazed look on his son's face, the ignorance, it filled Rehan's vein with rage. He leaned closer to him and said in a slow whisper, " you could never accept it could you? You can never be grateful to your parents, for what all they have done for you? Can you for once keep aside your ego and show some respect to the people who have gave away their money and their time to you? You make your mother cry, you disrespect me, you do all of this and expects us to forgive you every time? Can you for once, just once be grateful,and show some goddamn respect to us? Or all you are good at it is being a stone statue with no feelings huh?"
Devasya's mind has been numbed. Listening to every single word from his father, he was done for once more. This would take atleast a week to divert his mind from these words and to shut the voice down. Devasya knows he is useless and he is egoistic and he doesn't deserve his parent's love. He doesn't even deserve to breathe, but he is and he doesn't want to but he has to, for his dreams. He closed his eyes shut and mumbled a sorry quietly.
Rehan looked at his son with thoughts zooming around his head, he shook his head and sighed. Knocking his shoulder against his son, he walked back to his wife. Devasya sighed. His mind ready to burst open. He moved into his room, Sona still sleeping. He moved his suitacse to the bed and kept his clother and other accessories on it, packing it up.
There was a reason Devasya moved out at the age of 18.
***
Hey guys! I am currently procrastinating on my studies 🥲 to update this. Yesterday, i got my first feed message to update!!!! Can you believe it? And i just couldn't stop myself from updating. Now, that doesn't mean that i will update every single time you write to me, lol.
Anyways, how was the chapter? I really feel bad for Dev, he doesn't deserve this at all. Par this is life haina? Dukh aate hai toh 1000 khushiaan bhi aati hai, krishna ji toh hai hi hamesha hum sabke saath. I hope all will be cool soon. Yes, ik that pehle ke ch mein dev ke parents bade cool types se the na? Par vo bas cool exterior tha, jab aap kisi ke saath apni 18 years ki life ke liye rehte ho toh, you see every shade of them. Having such parents is hard, but hey atleast we have got so,many chnace to move out of that place right?
I have always wanted to show this side of Dev, the mental health issues waali side. But please remember guys, mental health is really important, do not ignore it ever. Please take care of your self first, baaki sb baad mein.
Please tell me how you found this chapter, your reviews really help me to find out where i am lacking and what i am doing right.
Fun fact: i have been browsing sidhu moosewaala's song while studying, and man, his lyrics were crazy. How ironic is it that we know the value of someone when someone is gone for forever? Life is so ironic.
edit: attached a pic of Sidhu's quote, he asked ppl to never fold, to never backdown from their dreams, from their own self. My wallpaper has always been of shree krishna, always. Never even had the default one on for even one day. (Please respect my faith and don't be negative towards it :) )So, this is a pretty huge thing for me to have his quote up on my lock screen. listen to his songs, with the English translation, i can bet on my life you'll be left shocked and amazed. Wouldn't say i love him, bcs everyone says this once they have lost someone and then they forget about the dead person after two days, i would say i respect him, for the thoughts he had, for the impact he created and for the man he was.
I can go on and on about him, sorry, but im rlly inspired from him and I respect him so much. He earned it, and as in his language i hope he rest in power, he is immortal through his thoughts, his songs, the education he has given to the young generation.