"Yeah. But if you can't stop worrying about it, I'm going to say I think you should let go. Maybe..."
Tess stopped and thought about that for a few seconds. It was the kind of thing that Gabby had been saying for months; about how she was so stressed that she needed to act like a little kid in order to relax. She'd never believed it before, but she knew that if it were true she would be the last person to accept it. Instead of insisting she was right, she had said that she trusted Spike to make that decision. And it was Spike saying it now.
"You mean like... making me little, so that I can't think about it?" she mumbled. Saying it out loud seemed to crystalise her swirling thoughts on the subject, and suddenly she could believe it was possible. But now she thought about it, now that Spike might be thinking she was in need of an enforced break, she realised that he still didn't actually know that she had a second trigger. He didn't know how to regress her if she was fighting against it.
He just nodded, and they walked on a little. He started walking back his statement; saying that it could only be a last resort, and that he wouldn't push her until he was sure it was necessary. He just wanted her to consider the possibility, and he said the choice was still hers. But Tess had already decided that because he was so reluctant to try it, she could trust him not to abuse it. And she really did want him to know that she would be a baby for him if he wanted to be Daddy. The question was how she could tell him about that trigger, the one that had first sparked her interest in hypnosis, if she was still too ashamed to tell him about the bedwetting problem. She didn't want to lie to him; but maybe it would be okay if she was just putting off the truth until later.
"I... uhh..." she mumbled, and Spike just squeezed her hand to let her know that she could say whatever she wanted. It was amazing how much meaning could be conveyed by such a simple gesture. "If I'm fighting against you when you think I need a break... I know I can be stubborn, but..."
"Calm down," he said. "I'm not making demands. Just saying, I think Gabby might be right, just occasionally. When there's nothing you can actually do, it might be good for you. To be in a place where you don't need to try."
"Right," she said, after a slow breath to think about what she was going to say. "But I should tell you. Because I can be stubborn, and if I really need a break, I think I'm not likely to admit it. So there's a... When I was first curious about hypnosis, Gabby wanted me to get a trigger that would let her baby me. I can't remember if she ever actually used it, but I think she might have done once or twice without my permission, to make those baby sessions feel more real. It's not my ideal suggestion, but it was what Gabby thought would be a good... Like a first suggestion to try. And she was persuading Ffrances to hypnotise me, so I knew it was either go with what she wanted, or never learn about it."
She hesitated then, and Spike stopped and turned to her with a smile. She hoped that explanation sounded fair enough; putting the blame on Gabby for a trigger that she'd never been allowed to actually use. She didn't need to mention the other part of it yet.
"Tess, I really... I like you a lot. And if you want to tell me, I'll be happy. But you shouldn't feel like you have to share, if you're not ready."
"No, I'm sure," she said, her confidence restored. "There's a second hypnotic trigger, or the first one really. It lets you make me into a little kid whether I want to or not. And I'm giving you permission to use it if you think I'm being too stubborn to take a break when I need one. Or if you want to baby me and want to make it a surprise, if you know I've not got any other plans. I've never given somebody that much power over me before, but I want you to have it. Okay? If you tell me... if you order me to have an accident, I will. I won't be able to fight it. And if you add the words 'like a baby', I'll go straight into that headspace as well. So now you know."
"Thank you," he whispered, and turned to hold her close again. "It means the world that you trust me so much. And I promise, I won't abuse it."
"You can if you want to," she said, and realised as she said it that she really did mean every word. "I mean... I wanted to tell you so that you can force me to stop putting pressure on myself if you think it's not healthy. But if you want to be my Daddy, or you want to embarrass me... you can. Because it's a small price to pay if it makes you happy. It would be worth it to me. So if you want to do that, it's your choice."
They talked a bit longer about the trigger, and how it worked. About the flexibility Ffrances had added around Christmas, so that Spike could choose whether the trigger would make her regress or not; and whether or not she would remember being triggered. At the first hint that this thought made her nervous, he promised that if he ever told her to be surprised, he would tell her before the end of the day. So it would be a surprise at the time, but she would still know what had happened. Exactly what she could have asked for. And she told him about different ways the trigger could be used as well; the difference between telling her to have an accident right away, or to do so overnight. She even mentioned that the trigger could be used to stop her having an accident, but she was glad he assumed that was only in case he needed to cancel a previous trigger. She still couldn't bring herself to mention that she'd wet the bed without even needing a hypnotic suggestion.
It seemed like Adam had been waiting some time when they finally stopped circling the park and walked over to his car. But he didn't say anything. On the way to Pine Ridge, Adam raised a completely different subject. The issue of whether Spike would need a suit for the summer ball. It was a semi formal event, which some of the kids took really seriously; but Spike had never even owned a suit, at least in the last five years. And that raised all kinds of questions about how they were going to plan for this. But as always, Tess's instinct was immediately to sort everything out.
To her surprise, Adam had ideas too. He said that he had fond memories of the more formal events in high school, and those had been some of the moments that really made him feel like a man. Among other things, he suggested that Spike should return to the room in the office at Pine Ridge to prepare for the ball.
"Why?" Spike answered, with a mixture of nerves and confusion clearly telegraphed in his voice. "I've got a home now. Even Gabby's started accepting me."
"It's a date, right? Proper. Formal. Traditional. That means it should start when you arrive at the young lady's house to pick her up. Everything should be perfect. Your suit, your hair, your car... you need to impress your date from the start."
"I'll be happy just to have him there," Tess answered, and then turned to Spike again: "What do you think? You can be all formal if you want, and sweep me off my feet. But it's not mandatory."
"No, I can," he said. "I mean, it's our first real date. I want it to be memorable."
They could all agree on that, and the subject quickly changed to planning all the details. Tess knew that her parents were happy to make sure Spike could afford a proper suit, and gave Adam their email address so that the boys could sort out shopping. So that it would be a surprise for her on the day of the ball, Adam said, she shouldn't see Spike in his suit beforehand. So they arranged a time when Adam could take Spike shopping, and all the other little details that would go into getting him ready for the ball. Tess realised that she would need to pick out a fancy dress, as well. She didn't even know if any of the ones in her closet would still fit her. And when that thought crossed her mind, it was a sudden shock; driving home just how different Spike's life had been from hers. He didn't own a suit, and had never been to a formal event, while she had a dozen special, seldom-worn dresses that she'd had no excuse to even put on in the last year. And somehow that made her feel guilty, just realising how lucky she had been.
Before long, they were climbing out of the car at Pine Ridge, and scrambling through an overgrown passageway that led to the back of the psych department's gym.
"I won't bring you this way when you've got your suit on," Adam joked. "It's just easier than finding a parking space on the main lot at this time of day. Most people don't even know you can get through here." That was probably true; they were between the back walls of two buildings, just a few feet apart, with vents jutting out overhead and a forest of weeds trying to snag their legs. Only the broken stems underfoot indicated that somebody used this shortcut regularly.
"Like regular jungle explorers," Spike said, and pushed a thorny stem back against the wall to prevent it swinging back to hit Tess after he passed.
"You'll want to cut through the outpatient café if you're heading for the bus stop." Adam pointed back to an alcove on Tess's right, where there was a button to press to gain access to one of the buildings. A small area where the undergrowth was cleared away indicated that somebody came out here more often, and a little metal box on the wall was filled with cigarette butts, suggesting that somebody came out here to smoke.
She wasn't actually going to catch the bus home, she needed to go to the pharmacy first. But she didn't want Adam or Spike to know about that, so she waved and smiled.
"Catch you later," she said. "Enjoy the workout."
"I will," Spike said with a smile.
"Don't worry, we'll make a man of him," Adam called, a few strides ahead of them.
"I guess," Spike said, but he didn't seem too enthusiastic about the prospect. Tess wondered if she had underestimated just how much he had been craving that childish headspace. And then he perked up: "But listen, Tess. I think I really... I want to make you happy. And you need to know that you don't have to fix everything. Sometimes there's nothing you need to do, and you should just let it happen. And let good things happen that you don't need to push."
She started to nod, and then Spike's hand reached out to rest on her shoulder. And before she knew what he meant, she felt his lips meet hers. She gasped, and her mind overflowed with joy. She didn't know if he'd finally understood why the other boys all wanted to kiss, or if he was trying to show her how much he wanted to make her happy, but for a few long seconds she didn't care. Her tongue instinctively pressed forward to touch his lips, and she didn't need to think about anything for a long few seconds. And then he was pulling away, pausing only to be sure that she was grinning before he turned and followed Adam.
Tess's heart was racing, and she was speechless. It was the happiest moment of her life, again. She was so flustered that she didn't even catch Spike's parting words. But a second later, reality began to reassert itself when she realised that the surprise had been enough to make her bladder relax. Heart racing, overwhelmed by excitement, she felt the pee streaming down her legs with only the alley's undergrowth to provide any privacy. Her mouth hung open, still smiling, as she struggled to regain control.
That was something else she should tell Dr Lutwa, perhaps. It wasn't the first time she had wet herself in a moment of heightened emotion. But at the same time, she didn't know if it would mean anything. Had Spike perhaps said the trigger, underscoring his point about letting go of the things she didn't need to control? Was it his way of reminding her that she could let him make the decisions sometimes, or a sign that he would enjoy subjecting her to a little moment of embarrassment?
Whatever his reasons, she knew that she had given him that power, and it just felt like a new type of intimacy. She blushed, and hurried to the café's toilets so that she could put on the clean underwear that she had been carrying in her school bag. And for once, despite all of the uncertainty, the task didn't make her feel dirty and frustrated. Perhaps it was something that she could learn to enjoy after all, for the right person.