"I know a bit about grief. I've had my fair share of it."
After dinner at Gemmas, Willow started showing her face periodically again. She would drop off baked goods once a week at the club house, make sure to attend the Sunday dinners at Gem's, and stopped sending one worded answers when asked how she was doing.
Despite all of that, the pain never lessened, and she still felt like she was just floating by the same as before.
On thing that did change however was the presence of a one Jax Teller in her life.
Since the night she broke down in his arms, he's been around her constantly. Whether it be at Gemmas, the clubhouse, or him stopping by during her lunch break at the library (which it turns out he did know where it was).
At first, Willow thought he was keeping an eye on her, after her break down he probably thought she was a liability, and with Hale still sniffing around about Nathan's death, maybe the club was worried she would turn out of her grief.
But after a full month of eating lunch with him, almost everyday unless he was on a run, she has no idea why he's so persistent about being around her.
"You know I'd never snitch, right?" She questions him as she picks at her salad, watching as a confused crease between his brows occur.
"What?"
Willow huffs, "Well I can't think of any other reason you'd be spending so much time here is not for trying to see where my heads at with the club."
"And where is you head at?" He raises a brow, but his question isn't accusatory, more amused, making a crease form between her own brows.
"The club was Nathan's life, I'd never turn on his family."
"Your family too." He's quick to remind her, like he does every time she says something of such.
"It's not the same." She sends him a pointed look when he goes to protest, "I accepted the club for what it was, Nathan's family. I accepted that he would always be a part of it, but even though I'm— I was— married to him, it was never my family, just an extension of the one I love."
Jax shakes his head with a small chuckle, "You know, I'll never get that."
"Get what?"
"You." He gestures to her with his chin, "Small town sweetheart. The Angel of Charming, being so accepting of a biker outlaws. I bet your parents were furious when you married Nathan."
Willow rolls her eyes at the way he says her town nickname, the Angel of Charming. It was branded to her when she was 16 and made homemade meals for Christmas, passing them out around town and delivering them for free. A small act of kindness she thought, but in Charming, it's practically unheard of, branding her the name that was usually sneered at her by jealous peers growing up, there parents no doubt wanting there kids to be a little more like her.
Willow shrugs at his observation, "My parents liked Nathan. And they trusted me to make my own choices, it's my life after all. As long as I was safe and he was good to me, they didn't care if he was a biker or a doctor."
Jax nods, taking her words in. The Marlowes, Willows parents, were never really a part of town gossip. He doesn't even think he's ever met them, but his mom mentioned them a few times here or there. They were as generous as their daughter, always donating to local charities or school drives. He just finds it hard to believe that no matter how generous they are known to be, they'd be alright with their daughter shaking up with a biker.
Jax remembers however, both of her parents at the funeral, standing on the other side of her from him, her mom clutching Willows hand tightly in hers. Both her parents sporting mournful looks on their face. Jax first thought it was because her they were hurting, but if Willows words are true, and they did like Nathan, he knows now they were grieving with her, not for her.
"How are you doing?" Jax questions, drawing a groan from Willow that makes him laugh, "What?"
"Why do we always have to talk about how I'm doing? I'm doing the same as yesterday when you asked. Why don't we talk about you for a change?"
Jax shrugs, "Nothing goin on with me, Darlin."
"Really?" Willow sends him an unimpressed look, "I work in a library everyday and go to sleep by 9pm. You, work in a garage that just so happens to be connected to your biker gang clubhouse, where you have all your little outlaw meetings about how your going to transport your guns. If anyone has nothing going on, it's me, not you."
Another thing that has surprised Jax since spending time with Willow, was how much Nathan had told her when he was here. They had full disclosure, on everything. Not many old ladies got that, and Jax would have bet money Willow didn't know anything about the club. Especially with how friendly she still was with some of the members, always greeting them with a smile or a hug, genuine ones, when she would stop to see Nathan on her breaks. He always believed she as okay with the club because she didn't really know. But boy did she know.
Nathan told her everything, all of it, and it surprised Jax the most of how casually she would talk about those things. He remembers trying to have conversations with Tara when she was around, about club business, and how disgusted or horrified she would become, which always ended in an argument. He's never actually tried to tell Wendy anything, not like she would be sober enough to listen.
"I'm just watching out for ya." Jax shrugs, ignoring her comment.
"Well, I'm fine." She goes back to picking at her salad, "Like I have been everyday you've asked."
Jax leans forward, grabbing her hand that's holding her fork, "It's alright if you're not though, you know that, right?"
"It's been a two months." Willow shrugs, pulling her hand from his so she can cross her arms, placing her gaze on the bookshelf behind him, "It's time to stop mopping. Can't be the grieving widow forever."
"That's not how grief works." Jax sits back, shaking his head, "I know a bit about grief. I've had my fair share of it."
Willow looks back to him, swallowing at the vulnerable look he has on his face, "Then how does it work?"
"Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve."
Willow frowns at his words, before bursting out laughing, clutching her side as she doubles over, "Where the fuck did you steal that from?"
"You made me wait an hour yesterday before you took your lunch break! I had to do something!" He defends himself. He did steal it from a book he read while waiting for her to take her lunch break.
"Pathetic." Willow jokes with a shake of her head, wiping the tears at the corner of her eyes, "It's not even a good quote about grief."
"Oh do you have a better one then?"
"No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. C.S Lewis" Willow responds, her smile fading.
Jax frowns, "Does your grief feel like fear?"
Willow shrugs, adverting her eyes again as she answers, "Sometimes." She thinks, trying to find the right words, "Mostly I'm afraid it will never leave."
Jax licks his lips, nodding, "It fades, eventually. But I don't think it ever goes away."
"Does it get easier to bare?" She whispers, her eyes meeting his in a pleading gaze to be honest, "The hallow feeling in your chest. The pain of feeling like your not getting enough air in your lungs every time you take a breath? Does that fade too?"
Jax has to swallow the lump in his throat, because that feeling is all too familiar to him. He was a bit too young when Thomas died, but he remembers it well with his dads death. The ache in his chest. It did fade, after awhile, and then he felt it again when Tara left, hitting him harder than the first.
Truthfully, it's only been recently where he feels relief for that ache, after these 10 years of her being gone. And mostly, it's been this past month, having lunch with Willow, where he can forget about everything else, the club, his mom, his horrible marriage, and that ache in his chest. When he's here, sitting at the back table of the library, talking about random subjects with his dead friends wife, does he forget all about everything else, and the air gets a little easier to breath.
It's why he still comes here everyday he can, just have an hour of peace. It first started out as fulfilling his promise to Nathan, looking for Willow, but Jax found himself looking forward to the small visits. It's nice having a friend that's not a part of the club business, nice talking to someone that's not trying to get in his pants. It's nice just having a good conversation for an hour.
Before he has a chance to answer her, Willows alarm goes off on her phone, signaling the end of her break. They both gather up there things, cleaning up the area, before walking back to the front. Jax watches as she places her things on the desk, looking up at him, "I'll probably see you later."
"You stopping by the club house after work?" He questions confused. She's not ever been one to go to the parties at night, even when Nathan was around. If she stops by, it's usually in the mornings when it's safe, and she doesn't usually stay long.
"Yeah." She shrugs, "I'm uh— Happys doing something for me and I was busy this morning."
Jax nods, still confused on what his brother could be doing for her, but he sends her a parting smile anyway as he fixes his kutte, "Well alright Darlin, I'll see you then."
———
The club house was packed, as it usually is on Friday nights, and Willow wants nothing more than to get back in her car and go home, a headache already forming at the smell of cheap perfume and tobacco, but she strides forwards anyway, opening the door to the club house and stepping in.
She grimaces at the loud music and half naked girls. She never went to the club parties, and this was exactly why. She doesn't want to judge people on their life choices, but she also doesn't want to see them out in the open like this.
She shakes her head, wiping her hands on her knees as she looks around for Happy, but she doesn't see him. Willow chooses to walk forward to the bar, needing something to help calm her nerves.
"Whisky, please." She asks the prospect. He raises a brow at her but gets her the glass. She downs it in one go, wincing at the burn before coughing.
"Not much of a drinker?" The prospect asks amused.
"First drink." She blinks, forcing down at the now empty glass.
"Tonight?" The prospect questions.
"Ever."
The prospect whistles, eyes wide, before he looks her up and down, "I guess that explains why I've never seen you around here?"
"Not my idea of a Friday night." Willow shrugs.
"So what brings you here then?" The prospect leans up against the bar, a flirty smile in place as his eyes rank over her again. Before she can say anything, the prospects smile drops, he straightens up and looks at someone over her shoulder.
"Hey Darlin," She hears Jax before she turns her head to see him, his arm coming over her shoulder in a protective manner, "You lookin for Happy?"
"Yeah."
Jax guided her away from the bar, further into the clubhouse, "He's in one of the dorms."
He keeps his arm around her shoulders as he leads her away from the loud party and people. Willow can feel eyes on her, but Jax's wide frame prevents her from seeing exactly who. As they walk down the hallway, the music and voices fading, Jax stops outside a door, removing his arm and knocking twice before sticking his head in, "Hey brother, you busy?"
Willow can't hear what Happy says on the other side, but Jax opens the door wide, gesturing with his head for her to go inside.
Happy gives a small smile to the girl when he sees her, "Bout time you got here."
Willow laughs softly, "Sorry. Took longer to close up then I thought. We got weirdly busy right before closing. Must be close to testing for the high school."
"Ah," Happy waves her off from where he's sitting, "Don't worry bout it. Come on, I think I got this like you described."
Jax watches from the door as Willow sits down in the empty chair Happy is next to, cleaning his tattoo gun. He gets really confused when Happy shows her a drawing, both of them talking amongst themselves about it, "You gettin a tattoo?"
Willow jumps like she forgot he was there, before nodding, "Yeah— uh. I'm— I'm getting Nathan's crow."
Jax raises a brow before blinking, "Thought ma said you didn't want one before you were twenty one?"
"Turned twenty one, three days ago." She shrugs her shoulders, looking back over to happy, "That can go on my ankle, right?"
"Sure thing." Happy nods, "Where do you want the N.S.?"
"Below it." Willow bends over to take off her shoes and socks, rolling up her pant leg.
"Your birthday was three days ago?" Jax questions her, irritated look on his face, "Why didn't you say anything?"
"It's not a big deal." Willow waves him off.
Jax steps in, walking over to her so he can see the sketch, "Like hell it's not."
The sketch is a simple black crow flying with its wings out, black N.S. Underneath it. Straightforward, uncomplicated. Effortless really. He imagines it will be pretty small on her ankle. Everything about the tattoo is her, really.
"Is it going to hurt?" She questions as Happy wipes her skin with alcohol. The older man looks over to her with an unbelieving look on his face as Jax tries to hold in his chuckle.
"Here Darlin, I'll let you hold my hand so you can squeeze it if it hurts too bad." Jax pulls up a stool beside her chair, giving her his hand. It's much smaller that his, and her fingers are cold, but just like lunch in the library, it's peaceful.
"Thanks." She whispers, holding his tightly.
"Shouldn't hurt too bad." Happy finally responds, turning on the gun, "Just don't be a baby bout' it and your be fine."
"Very reassuring." Willow mumbles, "I'll do what I want."
Her comment makes both happy and Jax snort. Since the tattoo is small, it doesn't take longer than ten minutes, fifteen at tops before it's completely done and clean. Jax watches as Willow admires it, a small smile on her face.
"I think he would have really liked it." She states, voice low in a whisper. Both Jax and Happy make eye contact over her head as the girl continues to stare at the tattoo, gently running her fingers over the initials.
"Yeah, Darlin." Jax nods, "I think you're right."