Acrux's POV
It was another day, determined to speak, but without finding courage or opportunity. I hadn't even been able to sleep well again, thinking over and over about what Rosy would be doing on her date with John. I wished I could go and look for them, but I didn't know the city, and with no address, I might not have located her all night. Still, I was dying to know.
My anger increased when this morning I saw John hanging around happily. And there I was, without paying attention to Max's explanations, frustrated and self-torturing myself, thinking about Rosy with John, laughing, talking, and maybe even hugging. She had hugged me before. She was a very sweet girl, and perhaps he took advantage of that too... That was why he had her scent that day.
The pencil in my fingers snapped like a toothpick and fell. I grunted and grabbed another.
I saw the news, and more anger came to me when Hector appeared, being awarded for having helped with an EH foundation and contributing to excellent studies regarding us, our bodies, and genetics. He had supposedly been shown not to be involved in Evolved people's abuse. They claimed to have put an end to the arrests, and they claimed to be ushering in an era of peace. However, they were still looking for the rebel group of infiltrator-evolved men who, without reason, captured one of his colleagues. The police were looking for us.
"With this, General Orlandini assures us and shows that the National Security Guard does not have to disappear. After all, the Evolved humans should always be watched."
"Wow. This could be a problem," George assured.
I felt disgusted. Another pencil broke, and I growled again.
"Hey. I'm not buying more of those," Max complained.
I didn't lack the desire to take them all and break them.
"I suspect what's wrong with him," Alpha whispered.
My comrades were watching me. I stood up.
"I need air."
"No. You need a good night of action," Max muttered.
I arched an eyebrow. Neither of us seemed to understand, but I didn't care. I needed to go out and run nonstop to get rid of the annoyance, the spite that I felt for no reason, the impotence.
I went out, and such was my surprise to detect Rosy's sweet scent that I ran in her direction, almost desperate. I suddenly entered an office and ran into a soldier.
"Oh. If you're looking for Rosy, she already left..."
I cursed as I ran again, guided by that scent already feeding me. How would I make it if I couldn't spend even one day with the idea of not seeing her anymore?
I stopped near the exit. Disappointment, desolation. She had already left in one of those cars they had here for sure...
I reacted when I saw her pass by my side. My heart jumped. She looked at me out of the corner of her eye, saddened almost imperceptibly, and quickened her pace.
"Rosy. Rosy, wait," I begged, wanting to stop her.
At the same time, my whole being begged me to apologize and hold her against me.
"I just came to say goodbye. I have to go," she said, trying to evade me.
I froze.
"Going where?"
She looked down for a few seconds.
"They gave me half a scholarship to study for a master's degree. It's a big thing, you know? It opens up more opportunities for me. It's not in this city, of course."
"Not in this city..."
"Yes," she sighed heavily, "I'm leaving."
My world fell apart, but she didn't notice it. She smiled sadly but was also excited.
"Wow," was all I could mumble. "I-it's good for you from what I see."
"Yeah..." She looked down again.
How to stop her? I couldn't. I wanted her to be happy and to achieve her goals.
My lower lip trembled against my upper one as I tried to appear unaffected. My heart had tied a knot. It seemed it would kill me, but it was better if she got away from me. I had only brought her problems and sadness. Now she was smiling.
"I better... Bye." She turned around.
"Rosy," I called her involuntarily, my mouth seeming to rebel against my brain. I shook my head. "If you can, let me know if you arrived well..."
She smiled and nodded, walking away, taking my light with her, leaving me her sweet-smelling trail, and the world in darkness.
I began to breathe with difficulty. I was left hopeless. I was alone. I found myself walking around the barracks aimlessly, lost in thought.
Why?
I closed my eyes. It was worse than when I had dumped her. She left me of her own free will, and I deserved it. Yet I wanted to run after her, stop her, hug her, and ask her to stay, but no. There was no reason. I had no right. I never seemed to give her real joy. From time to time, her expression showed sadness and nostalgia.
But why? Why?!
"You need a year off," Tania sneered suddenly.
I was in one of the common rooms, completely overwhelmed. That was where I had ended up after walking.
"You have no idea," I replied coldly.
"Ugh. Men. I don't know why you complicate things. It's obvious what you feel."
What did I feel? Or rather, what did I want? Rosy, of course.
"Maybe, but..."
"But you think you are obligated to stand by another's side."
I frowned.
"It's not like that. She's not any other girl. It's not that simple."
"As you wish," she teased again.
Although she was right, I hadn't told her what I felt, and now more than ever, my reason and my body were determined by Rosy, even though Meadow was still special to me.
"You know what I think?" Tania added, turning around. "You love one of them as your woman and the other as your sister." She snapped her fingers. "You're welcome! I'm a genius, I know."
I knitted my eyebrows in confusion.
"Sister..." I reacted. Sure, something like that seemed to be.
She rolled her eyes.
"Ask yourself this question: Who do you imagine having intimate situations with without feeling uncomfortable? Because I know that men can imagine it with all women..."
"How exaggerated," Max complained as he entered.
I rested my elbows on my knees. I didn't want to talk anymore, but Tania's question was interesting. Obviously, I could imagine everything with Rosy, but with Meadow, things were not like that. I remembered that everything about her had caught my attention at the time, but now I felt clear that it was my curiosity because of her feminine nature and because they forbade us from being close. Of course, I liked her a lot, but it wasn't like with Rosy.
Rosy really caught me.
"Hey, get ready. We're going to have the night of our lives," Max spoke, distracting me. "Let's have some drinks. You guys are hard to convince about alcohol, but you need it this time."
"What? No. Forget it. The day after tomorrow, we are going to attack that place..."
"That's why you have to enjoy today. Duh."
He walked away, leaving me confused. I sighed. Wow, weird people.
***
When I entered the room, things were completely clear to me. The strange memories with Rosy became more and more real to me. I could swear that they did happen, but I was intrigued by the fact that she hadn't told me. Not even the slightest comment, in case my mind was exaggerating. She was special to me, and perhaps my mind created these beautiful illusions for that reason.
Meadow was always my friend, and if she was going to be my partner, she had to know what had happened to me. She had been looking at me attentively since I entered, suspiciously, and she wasn't mistaken. I had something to tell her.
"I don't know why those two human women react strangely when they see you," she said suddenly, not letting me start.
I raised my eyebrows in surprise.
"Huh?"
"The tall one that walks around doesn't know what it's like to respect the personal space, and the one with curly hair gets obviously nervous." She sounded worried. "Well, this will be over, and we'll leave soon." She looked down. "I don't like humans. You know what the leaders said, that they are dirty and other things."
"Not all of them are," I blurted out.
She looked at me in surprise, instantly outraged.
"What? They are. Everyone. Give me an example if not."
"Ro..." I shut up. I almost mentioned her name. Meadow challenged me with her eyes. "There is something you should know."
"What?" She returned to her worried expression. "Tell me."
I sat in the chair near her bed. I was serious, perhaps as ever.
"You're going to join me, right?" And nodded slowly. "In that case, you must know certain things about me."
"You're scaring me," she murmured under her breath.
I opened my mouth but ended up snorting before continuing to talk.
"Sorry. Your partner is only supposed to be for you, and it should always be that way... Unfortunately, I..." Her rising concern made it harder for me to speak, but I had to. "I want someone else with me."
"What?" Her look became confused and sad.
I felt the worst.
"I'm sorry. It just happened. I fell for her. I did things... She made me feel so different. She wrapped me in her light while I was tormented by what happened to me, while I believed that everything I was had died that day. I don't know how to explain it, but she's got me on a leash, even though she's gone..."
"Don't you want me by your side?"
"Yes. I do love you... Well. I don't even know how this works myself. I want to keep seeing you and everything, but I want her too. It's just that in a very different way. I love you because you are part of me. You are... as if you were part of my family. And, although I discovered it late, I wanted her with me as my companion for the rest of my life."
"Why? Don't tell me she's one of the ones I mentioned. Don't tell me she's human." Her voice flanked.
"I don't see what it has to do with it."
"What things did you do?" She asked, fixing her gaze on the blanket that she was holding in her hands.
I looked down too.
"Apart from things that I don't remember, and I don't know if they happened seriously... Uh... Hugs. I slept next to her a couple of times. She wanted me to accompany her, and I couldn't refuse. I let her touch me... I let her kiss me on my skin..."
I realized that Meadow was shedding silent tears. I felt like scum. I went over to try to comfort her, but she didn't let herself be touched.
"How dare you?"
Although I felt terrible, I was surprised by her attitude.
"Hey. It's not that serious," I spoke softly. "You have also given me kisses."
"But it's me. She's a human with immoral intentions," she sobbed.
"Of course not. You just repeat what the leaders always told us. What I did may be very serious in our society, but here it is normal, and the truth is, there's nothing wrong with it. I didn't even feel that way."
"Oh, of course not, because surely you wanted to do it too," she claimed. She wiped her tears at my stunned look, very annoyed. "It doesn't matter." She swallowed hard, choking back a last sob.
"Please, don't be like that," I asked. "You are very important to me. I have not said otherwise..."
"It doesn't matter either." She kept her eyes down. "You didn't know I was alive. It's not your fault at all."
I heaved a heavy sigh.
"Maybe. I don't know... I don't know."
Something told me that I would have been attracted to Rosy, even knowing that Meadow could still be alive. Something inside me made me feel like it did happen.
"I care about you too..." she murmured low. "I always liked you, but I also want to see you happy."
"I will be. With you..."
"Don't lie. If we come together, you will never be one hundred percent happy."
"What?"
"I know that coming together in a nucleus implies more than just being companions. It's much more than that, but the leaders don't tell us. They hope it will happen over time... and if it doesn't happen, there's not much of a problem because we don't know that. We don't know love as a couple, only brotherly love. But now you know it. You know that other kind of love, and when that happens, you will never stop needing it."
"So?"
"I won't join you. Not like this."
"But..."
She looked away to avoid the slightest contact with my eyes.
"Family love does not compare to the love of a couple. Waiting for it to change and grow is unnecessary because you already feel love for another girl."
I saddened
"I'm so sorry."
She silently shook her head.
"Leave it like that." She looked back at her hands, messing up the blanket on her bed.
It also hurt me to know that she didn't want me by her side anymore, even though she was right. Maybe if we got together, I would never be one hundred percent happy, and neither would she.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry...." I clenched my fists helplessly.
"If you say you love that other woman. I don't know why you haven't gone looking for her," she said without encouragement.
"She left town."
"Oh."
"Besides, I had to tell you first."
"I understand." She closed her eyes. "Go now. I think I heard you all were going out, and someone whispered that the day after tomorrow, the search for those men might end.
"Yes. I asked someone I trust to take you to our town. I know where our people relocated."
"Okay." She took a deep breath. "I'll wait then."
"Meadow. I'm not going to leave you alone. I don't want to stop seeing you..."
"Neither do I." She looked up and gave me a sad, closed-lipped smile. "It hurts, but maybe not as much as it would have hurt if we had joined... I know I'll always see you. I know I'll feel better later."
I took a short step towards her. She understood my intentions and stretched out her arms. I hugged her tight. We stayed like that while I tried to assimilate everything amid silence.
"Are you going to be fine?"
"Yes," she whispered.
She pressed her forehead to mine, keeping her eyes closed.
"I'll let you rest."
She nodded. I helped her settle off to sleep. Leaving her, I gave her one last look without being able to hide my own grief.
I wasn't a good man, so it was better for me to stay alone.
****
Max convinced me that I would end up forgetting my sadness, Rosy's departure, and what I did to Meadow. I was sitting with my arms resting on the table, and they gave me a glass full of that horrible liquid called alcohol, supposedly enhanced with exotic flavors, which young people of my kind were forbidden to approach, but I was already of legal age.
"Come on. A couple of these, and you'll feel better. At least tonight. I don't promise tomorrow, but at least tonight."
"I'm not interested in feeling better. I just wish I hadn't made mistakes."
"Forget about it. Come on, go ahead and try it. You look like an abandoned dog now that Rosy is gone."
"Ha... I feel like one."
I drank it all while they celebrated my feat. I put the glass down and coughed a couple of times from the intense burn of the alcohol. I cleared my throat, frowning and covering my mouth with my forearm.
"What a horrible thing," I cursed.
"But you should've taken it easy. Now it's gonna go to your head," Max murmured, still not believing it.
They gave me another, waiting with expectation. I no longer drank it that fast, remembering a quick kiss from Rosy. Maybe I had tried it before. Without realizing it, I finished what was left in the same way.
They gave me another, and I began to feel hot, but this seemed to diminish the sadness. It seemed to numb my conscience that was always recriminating me.
"Well, maybe you're right. I'll try another one... For Rosy..."
"Now we're talking!"
I ended up running my fingers over the material on the table that simulated wood. How many glasses did I drink? I frowned, unable to remember.
I blinked, confused, when I found Rosy. I gently ran my fingers across her skin, and I smiled. She was by my side. It was another of those memories that tormented me and, at the same time, filled the desire to want her by my side since I saw her for the first time.
My friend... My sweet friend.
The table moved away from me. The music was a distant murmur. I took her body in my arms and felt my face buried in her neck. Her curly hair...
"You kill me with your scent. You drive me crazy. You drive me crazy!" I murmured on the verge of despair. "And now you go? Will you leave me forever? Now you leave?!" I complained, knowing that I myself asked her to get away. "As if you didn't know the effect you had on me... You knew it. You knew what happened between us. I know it happened, and you didn't tell me. As if it didn't matter." I held her close. "I deserve it. I understand it but don't do it. Don't leave me..."
Something took me away from her, but I realized it was me or the world that was spinning. I was looking at the tabletop again. I closed my eyes, feeling caresses.
"Don't go, curly girl... I don't want to be selfish. I know what I said, but don't leave me."
"Maybe I'm selfish too," I managed to hear.
I silently denied it. I stretched out my arm, and when I found her there, I got back up and surrounded her again, hugging her tight. At least this illusion was not going to escape so easily. On other occasions, I dreamed or remembered that I kissed her skin, so I decided to do it on my own initiative. I needed it.
I gave her a soft kiss on her forehead, then another and another. I went down, remembering that I could even give her one on her lips. I headed there but ended up kissing more of her skin. I didn't care. I gave her a couple more until something pulled me away. I didn't know if it was myself, her, or someone else.
The table... again, but now against my forehead. The music resounded in my ears. Everything was spinning around. She was leaving, in my mind and reality. She was leaving and wasn't coming back. I couldn't tell her anything about what I felt and wanted. It was already late for everything. I closed my eyes and got lost.
***