S9 E2
This one is for Zosienka, who asked for a Shay conversation following Kelly, putting the Shay memorial decal back on the new ambo.
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It was an emotional moment as Kelly ran his hand fondly over the decal, Leslie, Elizabeth Shay, 1978 - 2016. His heart felt heavy just like it always did when it hit him all over again that she was gone. Forever. He could search the entire planet, look under every rock and behind every hillside, but he would never find her. Except in his head and heart. He smiled to himself, and even now, he could hear the echo of her raucous voice around the apparatus floor.
From a distance, Stella watched the changing emotions playing across Kelly's face. Shay was someone they had never really discussed. Of course, Stella knew the loose details from Gabby and had been intrigued by herself when she had first seen Shay's photograph on the wall of honor inside 51. But Kelly himself had never talked to her about Shay. She assumed it was a sacred thing that he kept in his private world where even she wasn't allowed, and she hadn't wanted to intrude.
"At least you'll know whose shadow you walk in."
As she watched him tell Gianna who Shay was, Stella decided maybe it was time she knocked on the door to his secret world and see if he wanted to let her in.
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"Ambo door worked out. You must have been pleased with that?"
Kelly was making dinner for them, and Stella was sitting at the counter with a glass of wine.
"Yeah. It worked out well."
Slicing tomatoes, his attention was on trying to keep them from sliding under the knife.
"I liked what you said to whose shadow she walks in."
Kelly looked up at her. "Well....guess people should know about Shay. She meant a lot to everyone."
His eyes were a little distant, she thought as if his mind had wandered.
"Especially to you."
Kelly's attention came back to her, but he didn't say anything before returning to his salad vegetables.
"What was she like?" Stella took a sip of wine, leaning forward on the counter resting her chin on her hand, not entirely sure whether he would shut down on her.
He carried on slicing, and for a moment, she thought that she had done the wrong thing by bringing Shay up because he didn't say anything. But then he looked up, and there was a softness to his face, an expression similar to that he wore when he spoke of his sister Katie.
"She was off the scale.....as a person." He laughed a little then. "Larger than life. And kicked my butt whenever I needed it."
"I bet that was a lot of times." Stella arched one brow seeing him wince a little.
"More times than I want to admit." Kelly agreed, retrieving some arugla from the fridge.
"You lived together, right?" Sensing him relaxing into the subject, Stella took the opportunity to ask him a bit more.
Kelly nodded, sipping from his bottle of beer. "She was easy to live with..... A lot like you."
She felt herself go warm from the unexpected compliment. Being compared to his lost best friend was pretty special in her eyes.
"How so?" She wanted to know. Shay had been ballsy, that much she knew from Gabby and the others that had known her, but in appearance, they had been opposites, Stella's brunette to Shay's blonde.
"She knew me." He said simply.
Kelly threw the salad vegetables he had cut up into a dish and opened up the oven*** to take out the chicken he had been grilling.
"Grab some plates and let's eat.... if you wanna know more about Shay...I'll tell you."
They sat at the counter, Stella moving her stool closer to him. She loved their evenings together when one of them cooked and they would then snuggle up on the couch and watch sport or old films which Kelly adored and she adored just being with him. It was something that had first started when they were roommates, not the snuggling up together but they occasionally ate together and after the night Zac had called time on their relationship, Stella had become comfortable putting her feet up on him on the couch and it all had seemed so natural.
"Shay said what she thought.... like you do. "
This time, it was Stella's turn to wince.
Leaning forward, he rubbed the frown off her face with his thumb. "That's not a bad thing, babe. I wish more people were like you instead of hiding behind pretence and trying to be someone they're not."
"Gets me in trouble sometimes, though..... especially with you...."
Stella was thinking about all the times she had called him out, and he had just stared at her silently without a response, which had just wound her up even more. She pushed away the memories of their last major fallout when she had accused him of being jealous of Tyler.
"Yeah, well. I usually deserve it." Kelly admitted wryly, pushing her hair away from her face and brushing her lips with his tenderly.
Kelly poured Stella more wine and grabbed himself another beer, both moving to their favorite place on the couch after they had cleared away their dishes.
The Loft was dimly lit, shadows and silhouettes playing side by side, but there was a peaceful ambience in their sanctuary.
"I wish I had met her." Stella was playing with Kelly's fingers, thinking how much she liked the sound of the paramedic.
"You would have liked her." He stroked her leg absently. " Shay would have liked you."
"Yeah?"
Kelly nodded. " Yeah. She didn't like any of the girls I used to hook up with.
She would have thought you were 'real.' "
"What does that mean?.."
"Grounded. Cool inside your skin."
Stella beamed at him. "You think I'm cool?!"
Kelly laughed loudly, his eyes crinkling at the corners betraying his humour.
"I said Shay would have thought you were cool.. inside your skin."
"Same difference."Stella declared with a victorious grin.
"Stella.... ?"
"Yeah, babe." Stella took a long sip of her wine, swallowing it slowly when she realised his face had turned serious.
Kelly gave her an uncertain look as if debating whether to continue. If Stella didn't know better, she would have said that Kelly appeared nervous.
"Kelly?" Suddenly, it was Stella who was nervous. What was he not telling her?
"In the spirit of honesty...." Hesitating, he searched her face before continuing as if unsure whether he should carry on.
Stella squeezed his hand in encouragement, which seemed to convince him. " Back then, I had an accident. and for a while, I became hooked on painkillers. "
Stella's face showed her shock, but she let him continue.
"I begged Shay to get me some more, so she did... from the ambo...... and...... later, she also helped me fake a urine test. She didn't want to, but I had become desperate." His voice was full of shame that he could barely meet her eyes. She swallowed, feeling his pain. She knew from experience how hard opening up for Kelly was, and she knew from her own past exactly what desperation looked like.
"Babe...I'm the last one who is going to judge you on addiction."
She said as honestly as she could, her face serious. Kelly knew all about her past with drugs. It was something despite her own mortification he had never passed judgement on.
"There's some more." He said slowly.
Stella's blood stilled.
"O.k?"
Her voice was very quiet, her heart already in her stomach churning with trepidation.
"I agreed to Father Shay's child."
Stella stared dumbly at Kelly. Child? Did he have a child somewhere?
"What?" She asked finally. "I thought Shay was gay?"
"She was..... but she really wanted to be a mom, so I said I would be the father........ but nothing came off it."
Oh. Right.
"Did you sleep together?" She couldn't stop herself from asking.
"No... it wasn't like that. It was all gonna be....you know..... done artificially."
Kelly shifted uncomfortably talking to her about jerking off into a tube after flicking through a bunch of porn magazines....or that was how Shay had described it to him when he had teased her about what was in it for him.
"Oh." It was all Stella could think of to say.
"You o.k?" He asked nervously
"Yeah.. I think so. I mean yeah..of course.... I mean, that's a pretty great thing to do, to be honest."
Kelly nodded, relieved that she wasn't pissed about it. He was sure some girls would have been.
"When she was alive, I used to think that if she wasn't gay that we would probably be together."
"Did you love her ..in that way?"
Kelly shook his head.
"No... I didn't. I just felt that we were so close that being together probably would have worked."
Stella was unusually silent, but that was because she was trying to process everything.
He looked at her, wondering what she was thinking.
"The way I love you is different, Stella."
His blue eyes held hers, and his iris's had darkened to a deeper shade of a blue sky.
Stella moved to sit in his arms, feeling them go around her and hold her tight.
"I wake up happy because you're next to me........ And when you're not with me, I think about you. I've never felt like that about anyone else before......You're a lot like Shay in lots of ways but different in lots of ways, too. I think that's why you're perfect for me."
Stella put her hand around the back of his neck and drew him down towards her, taking the love that he had for her. Kelly had let her inside his secret world, and that meant everything to her.
One day, Kelly was thinking he would get the box down with the video Shay and he had made. He would like Stella to meet Shay.