(CW: christianity references including implied religious mania/trauma, derealization/dissociation if you really dig into the characters' thoughts and beliefs)
Fyodor had lost count of how many days he'd been in prison. He'd never cared much for it, if he had to be honest, but counting was a way to keep himself entertained.
In fact, no other prisoners were interested in engaging in a conversation with him. There were only a few other people in his side of Meursault, and most of them were physically far from him. He didn't mind the silence, it gave him time to enjoy the company of himself and his thoughts.
He didn't question the plan, or how it was going. Perhaps his coworkers weren't the most intelligent people on the planet, but the one thing all of the Decay of Angels members had in common was that they were pathetic, selfish human beings. Fyodor had always known that, and he'd used that information to his advantage.
Fyodor firmly believed in God, and in everything that came with it. He was deeply devoted to the human race, he adored every single human with all his heart.
That was the reason why he wanted to save the children of God from the ability users. He was sure that, given enough time, they would become more and more arrogant, to the point that they would believe they were superior and they would challenge his Lord.
Fyodor couldn't let that happen, he didn't care what the cost would be. He would have sacrificed his life for the humans' sake, following Jesus' example.
He could have died a martyr and, in the last agonizing moments of his cursed existence, he would have smiled and thanked God for choosing him as his servant.
So Fyodor had started recruiting people. He only selected a few, but it didn't matter. He wasn't looking for quantity, he just wanted them to serve their — his — purpose.
The easiest to convince had been Fukuchi. The man already thought he was better than everyone, and Fyodor happily let him believe it. He even allowed him to call himself the leader of the organization. As long as he did his job, Fyodor didn't care.
Sigma hadn't been as easy to manipulate, but Fyodor knew what he had to do. The human mind is extremely fragile, even more if it's the mind of someone who has always given and never received. History repeats itself and, just like Eve eating the forbidden fruit, Sigma had accepted to use his powers for the sake of having the casinò. For the sake of feeling loved.
Mushitarou had been trapped into the plan. Fyodor had made sure not to leave him any choice but agree to partecipate.
And of course, how could Fyodor forget Nikolai. The most intriguing person he had ever met.
In opposition to the other members of the Decay, he had left Fyodor speechless, and not only once.
The first time Fyodor had lost his breath because of Nikolai was when they'd had their first conversation. He remembered Nikolai mentioning that he didn't care about his mortal life, it wasn't enough, he wanted more. He needed more.
For the first time in his life, Fyodor's heart had been touched. Nikolai was a person he couldn't figure out, because he seemed to be indifferent to all sorts of temptations. There was not a single thing in his world that Nikolai wanted, if not a freedom Fyodor couldn't provide.
And so, Fyodor had created a new temptation for Nikolai and Nikolai only. The payment he offered him for his services to the Decay of Angels was his company, and an open mind that was ready to listen and understand what Nikolai had to say.
Nikolai had accepted, and Fyodor's heart had beaten for the second time.
Of course, Nikolai didn't waste the gift he'd received. He seemed to know how incredible it was that Fyodor sacrificed so much for him, and he always showed his respect for that.
Nonetheless, Nikolai talked. He talked a lot, about the most various topics, and Fyodor never failed to listen. Both because it was the price he had decided to pay, and also because he wanted it as bad as Nikolai did.
Fyodor quickly learned that Nikolai had a tormented soul. He dreamed of something he couldn't have, which led him to a massive spiral of self-destruction. In fact, Nikolai was convinced that the less human he would become, the more free he would be. Fyodor found that mindset absolutely fascinating.
The first time he'd met Nikolai, Fyodor had thought of him as an angel. Now, he knew that Nikolai was the type of angel who had fallen from heaven and could only dream of the happiness he once knew.
Fyodor understood Nikolai. He even admired him. His thought process was so complex that Fyodor couldn't help but adore Nikolai's mind. Which led to adore Nikolai himself. Which led to another feeling, the complete helplessness that tied Fyodor to the man.
Ancient Greeks would have called this feeling agape. The deepest dedication to a person, to the point that they could do anything to you and you would still be desperate for their happiness.
Fyodor felt this way about Nikolai, and yet he refused to acknowledge the existence of it. He couldn't allow himself to be tied by feelings for a man who was already dead.
He knew Nikolai had died. Even if Fyodor wasn't sure about how many days he'd spent in prison, the other Decay's members were certainly working to continue their plan, which included Nikolai's death at the very beginning of it.
This way Fyodor forced himself to stop thinking about Nikolai every time. A day didn't pass without Nikolai crossing his mind, and every time Fyodor shut it down.
Nikolai was dead. Fyodor was in prison. The man whom he had adored like the better extension of himself couldn't be there for him anymore.
The sadness and grief that Fyodor had gotten used to were suddenly interrupted the day a new prisoner was transferred in the cell in front of his. Even he hadn't been able to hide his shock when he'd discovered that the identity of his new cellmate was none other than Osamu Dazai himself, his long term rival. At the very least, he would have kept Fyodor's mind entertained.
From that day on, their conversations had been various. They talked about the meals they were served, the cells, the guards, but other frequent topics were the Decay of Angels' goals, the Armed Detective Agency's response, the destiny of the world.
Fyodor had felt like he'd lost a battle when he had to tell Dazai everything about Sigma, but luckily it didn't matter if Dazai knew the Decay's plan. He was just as trapped in that prison as Fyodor was, so it wouldn't make any difference even if Dazai were to figure out the whole scheme.
He had to admit, conversing with Dazai was kinda fun.
But one day, someone interrupted them.
"I can't take this room anymore!" Dazai announced, with a loud sigh.
Fyodor was eating breakfast and he didn't even raise his eyes from the plate. He was still salty about the culinary choices of the chef.
"Why'd you do this to a raw egg during breakfast..." he mumbled.
Dazai frowned and kept complaining.
"It was fun in the beginning, but now I'm so tired of talking with you." Dazai added. Then he stared right into Fyodor's eyes.
"Is it almost time to do 'that'?"
Now Fyodor was really interested. He gazed back at Dazai.
"What's 'that'?" he asked.
"It must be that thing when I talk about it, obviously."
Dazai stood up and started gathering all his remaining breakfast together. "Thanks for the meal."
His attention was now directed towards the guards. "Can I have crab next time, please?"
"What is 'that'?" Fyodor insisted.
Dazai turned around to face Fyodor. His expression was deadly serious.
"Who's gonna die."
Fyodor almost showed his surprise. He didn't expect Dazai to be this straightforward, but he most certainly had his reasons. Fyodor gained his composure back and smiled.
"That is a wonderful idea."
"Right?" Dazai exclaimed happily. "The upper ground is now clamoring for the end of the world. Yet, it'll be hilarious when it ends up only us surviving at the end."
"I totally agree," Fyodor nodded. "So it's about time to escape."
In the exact moment he said that, he felt the ground disappear from under his feet. He smiled.
'Not even a minute of delay, Sigma' he thought.
He landed on his feet, safe and sound. But, to his surprise, he wasn't facing the man he expected.
"Gogol'?"
Nikolai didn't seem to hear him. And, if he heard, he didn't care. While Fyodor tried to switch to a neutral expression, he saw Dazai landing next to him with the corner of his eye.
"Ouch!" he yelled, childish as usual.
This made Nikolai giggle, and for the first time Fyodor noticed Sigma standing near him.
"The box escaping magic was a big success!" Nikolai stated.
The two prisoners didn't say anything. They just looked at him, in understandable confusion.
Nikolai seemed to pick up on that, because he started laughing again and began to talk. Sigma retorted something along the lines of "don't call me your assistant" but Fyodor wasn't listening.
How could Nikolai be alive? He should have died weeks before. Was he hallucinating? Or perhaps it was a dream?
"Should we explain the situation to these two?"
Sigma's voice brought Fyodor back to reality. He forced himself to listen. It could have been a situation of life or death, and he needed to know as much as he could.
"Oh, it's okay, it's okay," Nikolai said.
Fyodor took a look at Dazai and saw a grin on his face. So he was already adapting to the situation, wasn't he? Fyodor might as well do the same. He would question Nikolai's death later.
Right now, Dazai was speaking.
"I see," he nodded.
"So that's what you're planning," Fyodor mumbled.
He had no clue about how Nikolai could be still alive, but it didn't matter. The only important thing at the moment was figuring out everyone's plan to outsmart them all.
"You see?" Nikolai asked, tilting his head to face Sigma.
He was happy that they were understanding so quickly, while Sigma looked anxious and done.
"Gogol', the spacial connection ability user." Dazai said. "Just now, the chaos above was your doing, right?"
"And you used your ability to release us from the cells." Fyodor added.
Only at that moment, Nikolai seemed to acknowledge Fyodor's presence for the first time.
His eyes lit up, everything in his posture changed. His cheerfulness looked less forced and more genuine, the kind of happiness Fyodor only saw in Nikolai when they were alone.
In fact, Nikolai was staring right into Fyodor's eyes, a bright smile on his face. Right now there was no Dazai, there was no Sigma, there was no war.
It was only them, seeing each other for what felt like the first time.
Fyodor would have liked the moment to last a little longer, but Nikolai had other plans. He almost ran towards him, clearly incapable of waiting even one more second.
"Ohhh, my dear friend!" he exclaimed, grabbing Fyodor's hands with his. "I've missed you!"
Fyodor was astonished. Not only Nikolai was displaying affection, but he was daring to get close to him, even touch him. It wasn't the first time he did it, but Fyodor received so little physical contact with other humans that every time Nikolai was around he was almost aching for it.
It was more than a desire, it was a need. He needed to be touched by Nikolai, he needed to be around a person who didn't fear him. He was a sucker for this very human side of Nikolai, the one that kept tying him to Fyodor like one magnet to another.
But what really broke Fyodor were Nikolai's words, probably meant to be harmless and yet doing all sorts of things to Fyodor's heart.
'I've missed you,' he had said.
Nikolai had felt empty without Fyodor, and Fyodor had felt empty without Nikolai. The only difference between them was that Nikolai always wore his heart on his sleeve, while Fyodor had never even learned how to recognize a feeling from another.
And yet, for the first time, Fyodor knew exactly what he was feeling.
Surprise, happiness, relief and what had once been his worst fear.
Love.