The stairs look incredibly endless today. While I climb, I huff for the effort I put into it. When you're late, everything seems to take longer: time, stairs and the desire to sleep.
The wind hits my hair, pulling it away from my face, and I quickly swear, asking myself how the heck I ended up in this cold and sad place than my home. I mean. London is also that cold and sad, but I had a different idea from Italy.
I take the last step and look around to check if I can move without being hit by something or someone. When I am sure to be safe, I cross the street quickly. Milan is quieter than London. My father's voice is still rumbling in my ears, and I would like to see him moving around this messy turmoil. Yes. London is certainly more crowded, but not even this city has its moment of peace.
When I can see the University rising ahead of my eyes, I take a long relieved sigh. I feel like I walked all over Lombardy. I take a look at the clock. It's 14:15. I am fifteen minutes early, and I've run like crazy, needlessly. I sit on one of the benches and take a long breath before I feel my phone ringing. I can recognise where the notification is from; it is not a text or any other social media. It's Tinder. When I unlock the screen to see who it is, I smile when I read the name.
I have never liked Tinder. I have always found it as an app for desperate or for someone who wants a one-night stand. I ended up downloading it because I was drunk. I can't even remember doing that. But then I started to text this guy, and after that morning I felt so intrigued that I refused to delete the app.
From: Kevin
Good Morning, young lady.
Are you on time today?
I read the text and feel the excitement rises inside me like a fourteen-year-old. I am a later. I have always been late at everything, and everyone knows that. While I read his text, I realise how he remembers every detail I tell him.
To: Kevin
Good Morning.
Yes, today I am on time... weirdly.
We texted for about a month and a half and still know little about him.
He always replies gently. But he also takes a lot to reply to a text. Sometimes even an entire day. I have never asked either myself or him why, but sometimes I would like to know the reason. I also would like to know more about him, not for a specific reason, just out of curiosity and to know him better. I think it's a normal reaction when you are talking to someone, even if this thought makes me always nervous. By the photo he posted, he seems to be a good-looking guy, but I also know how trapping this app is, and I have always had no hope in it.
What I surely know of him is that he is British like me and that he lives near the centre. I've never told him where I live. I wouldn't feel safe for him to know it.
Then my phone rings again.
From: Kevin
You've never told me where you live.
To: Kevin
This is a secret I'll keep for a while yet.
I put my phone in silent mode and throw it in my bag. I am early, but I don't want to risk being late. I walk inside the University, and there is always this creepy silence that makes me shiver every time. It seems like stepping inside a church, and I never know what tone to use with whoever I meet. I hike towards the hallway that brings me to my class. I still look around like this is my first time here, but by now it has been three years. My goal is to graduate this year and leave this town to begin a new chapter in my life.
«Buongiorno*. We are in time today.» It's Antonio. He is waving at me with a big smile while he takes my arm under his. «I thought I had to fight again for your seat.»
I smile at him in answer. I and Antonio have been friends since the first day. Thanks to him, I learnt Italian and how to live in this chaotic city. He speaks fluent English. We often talk in my native language. It is easier for me and him, it's funny. He has a boyfriend called Giacomo, and I still have no idea about him, but if he makes my best friend happy, that's all that matters.
«So, with Kevin?»
I sometimes forget how much he sticks his nose in other things. «What about him?»
«Don't act stupid. Have you asked him more about himself?»
I shake my head, and Antonio puffs while we enter the room. «I know that being mysterious makes you hot, but by this, you will never reach the next step.»
«Which is?»
«A date.»
I throw my bag on the desk ahead of my seat and sit with a big, deep breath. I take a look around to see how many people arrived. I am trying to avoid the conversation, but I have thought about it already, about the date. I just think it's too early to put it as an actual thing. Online meetings aren't always the best, and I don't feel like meeting this guy yet. The fear he is the total opposite of what he looks like is high. What if he is a serial killer? Or maybe I could end up in some weird murder gang.
I look back to Antonio, and I shake my shoulders. «I will think about it.»
«By thinking in this way, he will think about it... about other girls.»
«This is not something that worries me, you know?»
«Listen», he starts, holding my hands. «I know it scares you because online meetings are bad, but don't let this feeling get you. Otherwise, you can risk stopping something that could be nice.»
«Tonio, we are talking about someone I barely know. I would like to know with him more, to know well what kind of person he is.»
He lets my hands go. «I don't like it when you call me Tonio. It always seems like you're going to be mean to me or you're going to scold me.»
I smile. «Bingo.»
The class starts, and I try in every way possible to stay focused and not let any thoughts keep me far away from where I am. Maybe Antonio is right. Maybe— I should have told Kevin something more about myself and seen his reaction. But I don't know if I can trust him and face the conversation. If I would tell him where I live, his answer could be: we are near. We could see one day. And I wouldn't know how to answer. Should I trust? Should I meet him with other people around? Should I give up? Tinder has created weddings but also victims of abuse and murder. There are two faces of the same coin, and it is something you should think more about. I am scribbling on the paper with my head away while the teacher's words fly around without entering my mind. When I take a look on my laptop, I see an iMessage notification flying on the right side of the desktop. It is from my dad, so I opened the app to read it.
From: Dad
Honey, we will have Marina for dinner. She will cook. I hope you can be kind.
I grunt while reading that name in the text. I smash my forehead on the keyboard so it types random letters. I shake my head while reading the text again, and then I look over at Antonio, who is already reading it.
He taps on my shoulder, and he smiles at me. «Forza e coraggio*, Enede. In life you need forza e coraggio.»
—
«...and so I told him that maybe he had to warn me before calling the client, but he just turned his voice up. I had to call security.»
Marina's voice is a contour for me since I am not listening to her. Mostly when she talks about work. I have my head in my half-full dish of Bolognese, and on the other hand, I am checking Instagram, faking I am in another room or, even better, on another planet. Since my father has this new 'girlfriend', I haven't stopped ignoring him. I don't like Marina. I have never liked her. Since the start, it has been like she wants to take my mom's place, but I have quickly made her understand that it wasn't something she should do. She cannot compare to my mom, who hasn't decided to leave. The sky decided to take her. She never asked to be replaced, and no one can ever do that.
«Enede?» I hear my father calling me, but I still keep my eyes on the phone, shuffling now on TikTok that I don't even care. I know he is trying to relate to me, but I can't accept his decision to find another woman. My mom has been gone for almost three years, and he has already found someone else.
He sighs and tries again. «Enede.» This time, his tone is tougher and firm. I raise my eyes, and I look at him.
«What?»
My superficial tone gets Marina's attention. «You should show some respect to your father.»
We all know what is going to happen now. My father squints his eyes, knowing that Marina's move was risky and he is aware of what I am about to do.
As a result, I move my head over her, giving her an angry look. «Excuse me, who do you think you are to impose on me something?»
She shrugs her shoulders. «No one. Mine was simple advice.»
«Kind of you, but that's none of your business.»
Marina is looking straight into my eyes, and I am keeping the sight. I am ready to discuss, as always, and she knows that. But she never takes it too forward. Maybe because she knows that when we have this type of talk, it could look like she is talking with a spoiled sixteen full of anger. I am a quiet person with everyone, but not with her. I lower my eyes, seeing my father holding her hand as he wants to make her understand that it is better to let it go, not to make things even worse, but this makes me even more furious. The way he treats her makes me feel so out of control.
«That's incredible. You treat her like she is gold. Like mom never existed.»
«That's enough!» My dad's voice fills the house. He hits the table with his free hand so hard that my glass falls, wetting everything. Marina puts a hand over her forehead, and I wish I could slap her, even after my dad's reaction. «I am so tired of this. You're being so insolent. You are a grown-up woman. Not a kid anymore. You should understand things without making weird assumptions or someone explaining them to you.»
«And what I wouldn't have understood, father?»
«I have never replaced your mother. Never. I cried nights and days when she died. I haven't decided to make a new life the day after she left us.»
«You just waited two years, right?»
«What was I supposed to do? Cry my whole life? It wouldn't have brought her back to me. Estelle wouldn't ever want to see me doing that. Your mother would have wanted me to move on and to be happy.»
«And you are? Are you happy?»
What a silly question that is mine. I already know the answer. Since Marina started to appear in our lives, I could see my father changing, like he was feeling like a new man. He was smiling again, and I didn't see him crying anymore. He was... is happy. It's me that it's not because I haven't accepted it yet.
My father is deeply looking at me. «Yes, Enede. I am happy. I am happy. I found again a purpose in my life. I stood up and went back to work. I am happy because I still have a family. I have a daughter to take care of and someone who loves me and cares about me.»
«I am happy for you.»
As soon as I say it, I stand up and leave. I can hear my dad calling me more than once, but I am not listening. I take my jacket hung at the entrance, put my shoes on and leave the house before crying ahead of everyone.
The air outside is so cold that it is undermining my bones. But I don't care. I am walking to nowhere, with the tears freezing on my cheeks and my heart beating so fast that it seems like it could leave me at any moment. I am passing the centre like I know where to go, but I am just trying to relate the anger. When I heard my phone ring, I put it in silent mode. I know my father wouldn't stop doing it until he gave up. But he never does it. Usually, he calls me until he can. He stops for some minutes, and then he starts again. When I am back home, he is sitting on the sofa with a long black coffee in his hands and in the tired mood of someone who doesn't know what to do with his daughter anymore. He never gave up on me. He always tried. He also tried to tell me that if I ended this thing with Marina, would you be happy? I have never answered that question. Maybe because I know I would be selfish if I said yes. I know it wouldn't be good for him to leave her. And even if he does it, it wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't bring my mom back. She is gone, and she will never be back, with or without Marina. I just need to start to accept it even if I can't.
I look up to the black sky full of little shiny lights. Even if it is cold, there aren't clouds up there. I sigh, and I let myself go against a bench. I take my phone and notice some of Antonio's texts between my father's calls. There is also a notification from Tinder. Everything that just happened made me almost forget about this app and Kevin. I move my fingers quickly to open the text, hoping my father won't call me while I am texting.
From: Kevin
What a terrible day. Everything went wrong. It seems like everyone wanted me dead today.
I scoff while I shake my head. It seems like everyone had the same day. I lower my head back on the phone and check the photos he has on his profile again. It is bad that Tinder doesn't allow you to send pictures, or maybe it is good. I don't want to imagine what kind of picture people could freely send. I searched him online to see if those photos were actually his or some random person online. And while doing my hunting, I found his Instagram. His profile was private, so I avoided looking like a stalker. If I didn't send him the request, I would have looked like a creepy horny stalker.
To: Kevin
That's for both of us. I would have preferred a different way to end this night.
From: Kevin
What happened? Why do you say so?
To: Kevin
I could ask you the same, and you wouldn't answer me, so I am going to keep it to myself.
Then he doesn't answer anymore, and I know it's his usual daily disappearing. I put away my phone and stand up, looking myself around. I'd like to go to a bar and drink hot cocoa. But at this time, there are only discos and cocktail bars open. I think there would probably be some bar open for something hot, but I don't feel like going alone since I don't feel comfortable in this city yet. So I retake my phone and call Antonio.
«Hello bella fanciulla*»
«Hey, Antonio.»
«Oh no. I'm not too fond of this. What's going on?»
«Are you at home? Am I bothering you?»
«Hot cocoa with cream and marshmallows?»
I smile. It is incredible how much he can understand me, even just by phone. Like no one can. I almost cry again while I nod, and I tell him yes. I hang up while I start to walk quickly, knowing where this time.
«Do you want me to leave you two alone?»
Giacomo is looking at me. The question is only for me, and it's probably because he is aware of my concern towards him. I always thought he wanted to push me away from my best friend, but right now, in his eyes, all I can read is truthfulness. He wants me to understand that he is not the bad guy in this story and that I probably have a wrong idea about him. I shake my head. I want him to be here and to hear his opinion on the situation. I want to know him better and see why Antonio chose him.
Giacomo smiles like he is happy about this decision. «Good. I am going to make hot cocoa.»
Antonio sits next to me and holds my hand, ready to listen to me.
I already know his opinion on the situation, and he is always rude about it. I know that his honesty is driven by his affect towards me, but I'd like to have a different type of approach.
«I know what you're thinking,» I say, looking away towards the window that faces the Dome. «I don't wanna be judged.»
«Love, I don't wanna judge you. I'll tell you what I always tell you: to try.»
«It is not that easy,» I sigh and look back at him, tilting my head to one side.
He nods and pulls me on him. He gives me one of his warm and strong hugs. I let him do it while I can hear Giacomo making noises in the kitchen with the mugs, but he stays quiet. He hasn't even told me his thoughts. I move away from Antonio and turn to the other guy, pushing my arm on the back of the sofa. «Giacomo.»
He quickly turns around as soon as he hears my voice. «Yeah?»
«I would like to hear what you think about this situation.»
Giacomo and Antonio look at each other like what I have just said was something absurd. Like I have just lost my mind, but I am still looking at Giacomo, trying to make him understand that I am pretty serious. He nods and leaves the kitchen to Antonio, who is already running away. Giacomo sits at his boyfriend's place, and he gives me one of the most honest smiles I have ever seen.
«I am listening.»
I nod and take all the courage I have. «My mom died three years ago. She had cancer. I still can't accept it. My father has a new girlfriend, two years after my mom left us and... I don't like it. The home situation is always full of tension when she is with us. It seems like she wants to take my mom's place. She always acts like the house's owner, and my dad lets her do it.»
«And you talked with him about it, right?»
I say no with my head. «We just discuss it because I don't like her.»
«I think that your assumptions are made from the sadness you feel in the loss of your mom.» His psychological magistral degree is kicking hard right now. «Maybe your feeling of her wanting to take your mom's place is just her trying to earn your trust.»
«Giving me orders doesn't make her earn my trust.»
Giacomo thinks about it for some moments. «Does she use imperative or conditional verbs?»
I look at him like he just told me something in a different language. «What?»
«When she tells you something, does she ask whether you should, could you, would you rather... or she enforce it on you?»
«I think... the first one?»
«I think you take it as an obligation, but maybe she is just telling her opinion. Your loath towards her makes the reality twisted in the wrong way. I don't know her, and I know a little about you, but I really think you should have a conversation with both your father and her. To get things straight.»
Antonio is coming with our hot cocoa, and he gives a forehead kiss to Giacomo like he is cheering him for his way of talking and doing, and now I can see why he chose him.
I look down at my drink. «I don't want her to take my mom's place.»
«And I don't think she will, but she makes your dad happy. She is slowly becoming your routine. For your mental health and your father's, you should find balance.»
I grunt beach of the mental stress and blow on my mug to cool down the hot cocoa, then I look again up to face him. «You know, in the beginning, I didn't like you.»
«I know.»
«Mh?»
«I have always felt judged by your look.» I feel so ashamed by this revelation.
I apologise with a low tone. «I have always had the impression that you feel the best and don't care about Antonio.»
«You're right on one thing: I am the best.» And we all start to laugh.
«Jokes aside, you're good at what you do. I think you were born for that, and Antonio was right.»
Giacomo moves his attention to his boyfriend and gives a warm smile while Antonio winks an answer, drinking a sip of his hot cocoa, and I do the same.
This quiet moment is brutally interrupted by Antonio's phone starting to ring. I already know who it is, and Antonio feels it. He looks at me, and I nod, letting him answer the call.
«Hello, Robert...yes, she is here...I don't know.» He is now talking with me. «You sleep here?»
I nod. «Tell him that we will have breakfast together tomorrow morning. To the bar next door.»
Antonio tells my father what I have just said and ends the call after giving him good night. He looks again at me. «I hope you can manage all of this and makeup.»
Yeah, peace. I talk with myself while I finish my hot cocoa and think.
This time, my phone interrupts the quiet. When I recognise the sound, I blush. Antonio quickly comes next to me in a happy mood while Giacomo is trying to follow us.
«Kevin?»
I nod without talking.
Giacomo pushes his head over us. «May I know?»
«Oh, it's Enede's online lover.»
«Stop it. He is not my online lover. I don't even know where he lives.»
From: Kevin
You're right. I can promise to tell you everything if you decide to come with me to an Art Exhibition.
My stomach somersaults and my hot cocoa doesn't taste good anymore. I put the mug on the table ahead of the sofa and I whiteness while I look at Antonio, then I look back at the text, and then I read it more than once. I want to be sure about what I've just read. Giacomo also read the text.
«Did he just ask you for a date?»
«Tonio.»
«Nah-ha. Don't Tonio. Come on, Enede!»
«I know nothing of him!»
Giacomo takes part in it. «Maybe we can go there too, what do you think? So we can check on them.»
I shift my gaze to Giacomo and smile. I feel to have found a new friend. Then I nod. «I go if you come.»
Giacomo and I stare at Antonio, waiting for the final word. My best friend looks at me, and then he scoffs.
«But art exhibitions are boring!»
«Please! You don't have to come with me, but at least you can be around if I need help.»
Giacomo is still smiling. «I like art exhibitions.»
«That's because you're such a romantic. But okay, let's all go to mission supporting Enede and saving her.»
I hug both of them and quickly answer the text.
To: Kevin
Mh, are you sure this is not a way to have your next victim?
But okay. Tell me where and when.
From: Kevin
Good joke, but girls are not my targets ;)
At the Palazzo Reale they show Hieronymus Bosch. We can go there on Saturday, and you can pick the time.
I find myself reading the text a few times, trying to understand the hidden meaning behind 'girls are not my target'. A bad hunch grows inside me. I have the omen that he wasn't joking and was trying to say something.
I ask myself where I am putting myself.
Is it safe what I am about to do?
—
TRANSLATION:
Forza e coraggio*: strength and courage.
Bella fanciulla*: beautiful young lady.
AUTHOR'S SPACE:
Chapter one is out and I hope you liked it. Lemme know every thought you had on it and on the characters you have met. If there are some grammar or spelling mistakes I am sorry. English is not my first language, and I am trying my best to still write a good story.
What do you think about Enede's thoughts on Marina? Is she too hard on her?
What about Giacomo? Do you like him? (I take a moment to say sorry to all of those people who study psychology. My intent is not to make any assumptions about your job and degree. This is just a general moment of the book, nothing deep. I know nothing about psychology and of course, being a ''good friend'' does not make you a psychologist.)
Do you like Antonio?
Please lemme know everything you think about it.
Benny. <3
CHAPTER COVER MADE BY ME.