The cabin was surprisingly warm, despite how cold the night had become. Even though I had been told that the ship was heated with magic, I hadn't expected much. I carefully removed my veil and unbraided my hair, then dressed down to my shift. Ayla was doing the same as she shrugged out of her thick fur coat. She removed her wool shirt as well, leaving just her pants and her undershirt on.
Beneath the warm light of the lanterns, her muscles looked even more defined. I wondered what it was like to be so strong that you scarcely had to worry about someone hurting you. What was it like to live with that kind of certainty? To have that kind of independence?
I had never known such a thing.
I didn't feel like I would ever know such a thing.
"Judith?" She said.
For a moment I worried she had caught me staring at her, lost in thought, and heat rose to my cheeks. I quickly noticed,however, that she wasn't looking at me,
"Yes?" I said.
"Did you mean what you said earlier today?" She asked.
"What I said earlier?"
"That you had been considering becoming a vampire." She said.
"Ah-" I flushed and turned away. "Yes. I have been considering it."
"I thought perhaps you were just trying to convince Greta to come with us." She said. To my surprise, it didn't sound like she was disappointed or upset that I might have had such intentions.
"Ah- was it really that obvious that I just wanted her to stay?" I said.
She gave me a sort of look of pity, but didn't directly answer my question.
"It's probably for the best that you convinced Greta to come with us." She said. "Charmange is still looking for us. I would hate to leave her separated from us. I know they wouldn't hesitate to kill her if they found her alone."
"Isn't it Imanthi that they are really after?" I asked, "She is the mastermind behind all of the smuggling, and from what I can tell she doesn't have the best reputation in Vlansovia."
"Imanthi is too valuable to kill. She has knowledge of medicine not many others have." Ayla said. "They want to stop her, but they want to do it without killing her. There are other things they can do to get her to cooperate with them. Like killing people she cares about. "
"Do you think they would kill you?" I asked.
"If I refuse to join them? Most likely. The king has wanted me on his personal guard for many years but I have always refused. If I'm against them, they probably see it better to go ahead and take me out. Less of a threat."
"Hm. I suppose that makes sense. " I said.
"Judith- There is one other thing." She said. "Something I heard from a bounty hunter back on the mainland?"
I frowned.
"What is it?"
"I don't know why, but I've heard gossip that the church is offering a large sum of money for your capture."
I blinked.
"Me? I know I technically need to die so my convent doesn't lose the Goddess's favor, but I figured it wouldn't be such an issue that the wider church was involved. I'm hardly some kind of great threat to them."
"I'm not as well versed in theology as you, but the people I talked to seemed confused about why they want you back so badly. Apparently it is highly unusual."
"I wish I knew why." I said with a sad hum. "I miss them sometimes. Maybe it's stupid of me, but St Meredith's is my home. Or was. It's hard to let that go."
"It's not stupid." She said, "It's normal to feel that way."
"Do you think so?" I asked. "Or are you just being nice to me?"
"No. I have always missed my home as well." She said, "It was the hardest for the first decade, but the pain has lessened over time- especially once all of my family was dead."
It was a little unusual to tell someone that all of your family was dead in such a casual way, but I understood the point she was trying to make. Time turns most wounds into scars after all.
"Yes, but I'm sure it was normal for you to be sad. You had a family, and people who loved you." I said. "I've never had a family, and looking back, I wonder if the Mothers who raised me even cared for me. Patrice was my best friend and even she abandoned me under the right circumstances."
"Things were not always so great for me when I was growing uo." She said. "Being born human was hard enough, but being so tall made it worse. I was an outcast for not being a wolf, and when I was little boys used to make fun of me for being bigger than them. It was only when I became useful that I was appreciated. Only being valued for being useful doesn't necessarily feel great.
I used to spend a lot of time deeply unhappy and wishing I could just leave, but when I was turned and I could no longer come back- I found myself yearning for my village. I think it's normal to long for the place you call home even if it doesn't have the best memories attached to it."
I had never really felt useful myself, per say. I felt like I belonged, but I didn't think I ever really considered myself to be useful.
Maybe I could become useful, in time.
"Thanks Ayla." I said. "That does make me feel a little bit better."
Days bled into weeks on the ship. The whole place started to smell of the spilled alcohol which soaked into the wood. Sometimes the crew got into fights on the deck, and, worst of all, sometimes I had to watch the vampires feeding on the slaves.
I wanted to leave. I wanted to spend time with Greta.
It was hard to stay away from Greta. Just a few weeks ago, I would have never admitted such a thing even to myself. Even now it was painful to think that she had such a tight grip on me, that she lingered inside of my head, clouding up my thoughts.
The only contact I had gotten with her were a few furtive glances thrown across the ship at night under the dim orange glow of the lanterns.. I never knew that I would long for her in such a painful way. It was how I used to feel when I would glance across the prayer hall at Patrice. It reminded me of the pain looking at her used to feel me with.
To have something, no, someone, so close, yet just out of reach.
I thought I would never feel such pain again. I thought I wouldn't let myself do something so stupid.
I was a fool.
I wondered I'd she felt the same. I could really only hope so.
I didn't want to feel the pain of someone not feeling the same again. It was pathetic.
"Judith."
I glanced up from my journal to where Ayla stood hovering in the doorway.
"Yes?"
"I've got to go help Imanthi with something." Ayla did.
"Did something happen?" I asked.
"Apparently Quen keeps sneaking off to make out with the captain's daughter." She said. "Imanthi is damn near close to loosing her mind over it."
I couldn't bite back my smile.
"That's kind of sweet." I laughed.
"No it's not. They're kids. It's gross."
"They're teenagers." I corrected.
"That's still a lot younger than me."
"I don't know how to tell you this, but teenagers definitely want to kiss each other."
"Well, regardless, it's my problem to deal with now. I'll be back sometime later."
"Alright." I said.
And so I was left alone for most of the day. I didn't wonder upstairs without her, even for dinner. I was too worried about being harassed without the threat of Ayla looming nearby.
After a while, there was a knock on the door. I thought it was strange for Ayla to knock, but perhaps she thought I would be indecent or doing something embarrassing.
"Come in?" I said.
The door opened, but the person who came inside was not Ayla.
It was Greta.