━━ august 2017.
❝ I'm still the same Hobi you grew up with. ❞
SEPTEMBER, 2002.
JAMIE WAS UPSET.
The second semester of the school year had just begun. Second grade had been tough on her so far, and today, her friend hadn't come to school. She had another friend, but she, for some reason, was still on vacation with her family. The only hope she'd had that she wouldn't end up alone the entire day hadn't shown up yet, so Jamie was sitting outside in silence.
Jamie hated silence. She could hear gusts of wind sway every tree, all the other children yelling on the grass, her heart beating in her ears. It made her restless. But she'd learned to tolerate silence. After all, that's all it ever was once she got home.
The silence was not making her upset. It was her loneliness.
At home, she was not lonely. Her mother often stayed home, and when she wasn't cooped up in her bedroom writing, she was almost always with Jamie. Her father was always around when he got home from work. And if neither of her parents were around, her grandparents were just across the street. And if none of her family was around, she always had Hoseok. Even if her family was around, she still always had Hoseok.
She had Hoseok at home. But at school, he was not hers to keep. He was grade above hers, after all. She had to share. And worse, Hoseok was well-liked at school. Jamie's personal friend group changed monthly, with girls staying when Jamie was exciting and leaving when she was too much to handle.
But no matter what, Hoseok always found his way to Jamie at school. A lot of Hoseok's friends were Jamie's, because he'd introduced them when Jamie first moved to Gwangju. They didn't go to school together in the morning, but they always accompanied each other on the way home.
But Hoseok had not said 'Hello' at lunch today or yesterday. Nor has he been anywhere in sight in the last twenty minutes. Which would have been fine — she didn't mind the walk home — if she hadn't known Hoseok was at school. She knew Hoseok would be here today because she saw him wearing his uniform just before she left for school in the morning. She knew he hadn't left early because she saw him just before the day ended. She knew he was still here because his mother's car was parked outside the school's gates, and his mother had been waving her over.
"Jamie, come here!" his mother had said.
And Jamie had simply said in response, "I'm waiting for Hobi!"
So if he hadn't left, where was he? Why hadn't he told her anything? Why hasn't Hoseok been there at all the last few days? Why was he making her wait without any explanation?
It was her suspicions growing. Her trust fading. It was her humiliation from sitting on the grass for twenty minutes. It was the lingering feeling that Hoseok didn't want to be around her at school anymore.
The loneliness was not making her upset. It was the betrayal.
He promised Jamie he wouldn't leave her alone, yet he did. It was the betrayal. And if Jamie hated anything in this world — which was not much, because her mom told her hate is a strong word — it was betrayal. That, and horses.
The groups of kids that had once been shouting and playing slowly began dispersing. Jamie watched parents enter and leave with their children, how they held hands as they talked. Jamie's eyes switched over and focused their attention onto the other kids. How easily they laughed together. How animated their lips moved.
It was when the lingering feeling of jealousy stung her heart a bit too hard that Jamie finally stood up. She angrily smoothed down her skirt as she trudged towards his mother, who was watching her with curious eyes.
And it was at that very moment, when she was about to greet the woman, when she heard a scream.
"Jamiee!" she heard a boy yell.
Jamie stopped. She didn't even want to turn around. The raspy, boy-ish scream only belonged to one person. But she still did.
Hoseok was running towards her at full speed.
She waited for him, stone faced. Eventually, Hoseok caught up to her, completely out of breath and gasping for air. People stared at the boy, slightly concerned. She heard his mother laugh behind her. Jamie would have laughed too if she wasn't upset at him.
"Jamie!" Hoseok kept panting, "where're you... where you going? Why... you leaving me...?"
"Leaving you?" Jamie said, offended. "I was on the grass! For a very long time! Waiting!" she said. Both failed to notice the strange looks Hoseok's mother was giving them.
Suddenly, Hoseok's eyes looked very sad. "Sorry, Jam. My friends wanted to go play on the playground before they left."
"What? Why did you not tell me?" Jamie's little brows furrowed.
"I forgot. I'm really sorry, Jam Jam."
Jamie didn't say anything. She was just tired now. All she did was turn around and look at Mrs. Jung.
Hoseok looked up at his own mother, just realizing she was here. He said hello in his small, excited voice and hugged her. Jamie, rather impatiently, watched them smile and embrace in silence.
"Can we go?" Jamie asked, still looking at Hoseok's mother. The woman's gaze switched over to the smaller girl. Jamie was given a slow nod with a kind smile, and three of them left without another word.
A strange silence accompanied them as they walked, one that they weren't quiet used to. Silence was not common between the loudest kids in their neighborhood. Neither Jamie or Hoseok enjoyed this quiet, but not knowing what to say, they hesitantly embraced it for a while.
Hoseok's mother wasn't quite sure what to make of their silence neither. Uncertain, she asked them, "How was school?"
"It was good!" Hoseok exclaimed. The three words instantly soured Jamie's mood. "We did adding and snakes and language arts and at lunch I was on the playground and after lunch we did music and other stuff and then after school I played on the playground again."
Hoseok continued rambling about his friends for another few seconds, stopping when he tired himself out and starting over with an "and also—" when he thought of something else. It made his mother laugh.
But when he was finished, Jamie finally broke her silence by asking the question lingering on her mind. "Is that where you always are now?"
"Huh?"
"On the playground. Hiding from me."
Both Hoseok and his mother stopped in their tracks completely. "Hiding from you? Jamie, I have not—"
"You know I hate being alone."
Jamie's use of the h word completely silenced Hoseok.
His mother looked between the two of them, more alarmed than she was before. "What happened?"
Neither of them responded to her. Realizing he wasn't going to say anything, Jamie just pouted. "You say you'd never leave me alone. But you left me alone! For a long time!"
"It was only yesterday—"
"I don't care! When you're gone, it's too long!"
Hoseok stared at Jamie. He looked at his mother for support, apparently just as lost as she was.
Mrs. Jung was quite sure what she should do. She'd seen Jamie upset before, of course. But every kid is different, and she wasn't quite sure what Melissa often did to calm her Jamie down. Nevertheless, she kneeled down, facing Jamie but standing between the two children. "Jamie, are you okay?" she asked, her tone soft in the way that only a mother's could be.
Jamie stared back, hard, blinking rapidly now. Hoseok hadn't realized she was about to start crying.
He quickly rushed over to Jamie. "No no no no no, don't cry..."
"You know how I don't like being alone." Jamie said, a weak edge in her throat doing nothing to sharpen her words.
"I know, I know..." Hoseok sighed, his tiny hands making their way over to her cheeks, patting them gently. Hoseok's mother stood up and took a few steps back, giving them space to resolve their issue on their own. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't slightly appalled at his sudden action.
The comforting contact spilled the tears down her cheeks. It's bittersweet when it's coming from the boy she thought was getting sick of her.
"You promised." Jamie got out, her voice slightly shaky.
Hoseok's face and heart bunched up. A horrible, guilty feeling pulled at his chest, one that he got when he accidentally broke something at home or when he got in trouble at school.
Jamie's a tough girl. She could handle a lot for her age, but only Hoseok knew how fragile her heart is. The boy did his best to protect her from the unknown, but seeing her cry because of something he did made him feel like the worst person alive.
"Jamie..." Hoseok mumbled, "I'm sorry. I wouldn't ever do that to you. You're my best friend."
Jamie stared back at him, eyes still shiny and lips still pouty. "You mean it?"
Hoseok nods, a small mm-hmm leaving his throat.
"More than your other friends?"
Another m-hm.
"You super duper promise me?"
"Yes, Jamie. I very really really promise," Hoseok said.
Jamie broke eye contact with Hoseok for a moment, considering it. Very really really promise is a big promise. But despite everything, she knows if anyone could keep a promise that big, it's her Hobi. Her mother had always told her a mistake does not mean someone is a bad person. Hobi had always been nice to her before today.
Also, she was tired of being mad at him. It took a lot more effort to be sad than to be happy.
"Okay," Jamie mumbled. "I forgive you now."
Hoseok sighed in relief and smiled, very pleased with himself. He carefully wiped the last stray tears off her cheeks and smoothed down her hair a bit, pressing a soft kiss onto her hair before he pulled away completely.
Mrs. Jung continued watching this interaction, unable to hide the smile growing on her lips. An adorable, incredible feeling of awe blossomed in her chest for the both of them. This was the first time she'd ever seen Jamie cry over something like this in front of her. In all of his childhood, she'd never seen Hoseok rush to and panic over something— let alone someone— before. And when he held Jamie, he knew exactly what he was doing. Something about their bond was stronger and more special than anything she'd seen for kids their age.
Hoseok held up his smallest finger and held it up between them. Jamie did the same.
Their pinkies interlocked.
"Jamie and Hoseok?" Hoseok asked.
"Against the world."
━━━━━━
PRESENT DAY.
A SMALL, HOT GUST OF WIND replaces the cool air of the burger joint, pulling Jamie out of her thoughts. A man wearing sweatpants and an oversized graphic tee walks in. Although a cap and a mask conceal his identity, Jamie recognizes him immediately. And although Jamie adorns a similar cap and mask, when Hoseok's eyes sweep the joint, she can tell he recognizes her just as easily when his eyes crinkle at their eye contact. Relief spreads throughout Jamie as she looks at him for the first time in weeks.
Hoseok makes his way over to Jamie, hugging her when he reaches her. In their embrace, Jamie notices the material of his shirt feels slightly damp. Not a gross amount enough for Jamie to worry about transfer, but more than what someone would gather from a short three minute walk on a hot, sunny day.
They pull away shortly after, both still smiling. Jamie sits back down.
"Why are you so sweaty?" Jamie asks Hoseok as he sits on the opposite side of the table. She slides over her fries.
Hoseok lets out a long exhale. "I was just rehearsing," he answers, stuffing a fry under his mask. Jamie can tell he's even panting slightly. "Did you order more than this?"
"Burgers and soda. Water for you, though," Jamie answers. She stares at him scarf down the fries for a moment. "You've been real busy recently," she remarks, "do you ever get time to yourself these days?
Hoseok gives her a small shrug. "Our comeback is in a month," he simply says.
Jamie ahhs. She knows about the Love Yourself campaign his group is creating. Three separate albums all about the process of falling in love, going through heartbreak, and finding self love, which will all be kicked off with a highlight reel. When Hoseok filmed his part of the highlight reel, Jamie was there. He was a better actor than Jamie ever remembered him being, and the young girl he acted alongside was lovely. The reel was set to come out any day now, and she was excited to see how it came out.
"It was hard to get ahold of you," Hoseok says. "You've been busy too, right?"
Jamie nods, smiling. "Fan events. It's been a year since we debuted."
Hoseok's eyes widen and crease simultaneously as he smiles under his mask, letting out a restrained and excited sound of realization. He chews faster and swallows the fries in the speed of light. "Oh yeah! That's so exciting!" he says. "I'm proud of you, Jam. You guys are doing a lot better than we were after a year."
Jamie chuckles. "It's not fair to compare. If you debuted under a big company, you would've gotten where you are now much sooner," she states. "It's not all that exciting, either. I didn't expect this all to be so... overbearing."
Empathy softens his eyes. He leans into her space slightly. "I get it. But we're one of the lucky ones, aren't we? Young Jamie and Hoseok would be so happy if they saw us now," he says, his voice softer. Jamie smiles at his words, a flame sized warmth glowing in her stomach at the thought of their young selves.
Hoseok leans back, pleased. "What else have you done that would make little Jam Jam happy?"
"Little Jam Jam would not be happy that you still call her Jam Jam."
Hoseok snorts. "Big Hoseok disagrees and still thinks you secretly liked that name."
Jamie blinks and looks up at him in one move. "Big Jamie thinks that's stupid."
"No, little Hoseok's antics brightened your day."
Jamie raises her brows. "Brightened my day?"
"Yes. He made the Sun shine brighter."
"Big Jamie is gonna kick you where the Sun don't shine."
Hoseok's eyes widen like saucers. He blinks at her. "Wow. Okay," is all he says. It makes her laugh.
Jamie looks around the burger joint. She counts four other parties in a close range, but there are more people seated around the entire joint. None of them have seemed to notice them here so far. Normally, she'd attempt to ignore them the best she could and try to draw little attention to herself as possible. But today was different.
She pulls at her sweater. It suddenly itches her.
"Are you hot?"
Jamie looks at Hoseok. "A little."
"Then take it off."
Jamie shakes her head.
"Why not?"
"It's cool in here. If I take it off, then I'll just get cold," Jamie states, as if she's pointing out the obvious. "Also, I'm not wearing a shirt underneath this."
Hoseok snorts. "Okay. Didn't need to know that."
A silence drifts between them. It's comfortable. Hoseok doesn't seem to mind it, because he's still eating her fries.
But as it turns out, Jamie still hates silence. With the absence of sound comes her thoughts to fill up the space in her brain where noise should be. Becoming increasingly hyper aware of her surroundings, her sweater is still itching her.
Here's the thing.
Jamie's a good person. She swears she is.
When Hoseok invited her out for lunch today, she did not accept it because Juwon wanted her to. In fact, she had almost completely forgotten about her stupid bargain with that woman. Jamie's certain she would've stayed in touch with Hoseok even if it was against Juwon's wishes.
He'd told her he'd be busy in the studio for a while today, but he was more than happy to leave a little early when Jamie confirmed she could make it to lunch. It has been a month since they've last spoken, and the uncertainty their busy schedules brings upon their daily lives means they're taking whatever chance they can get to align their schedules, even if it's only for a few hours.
As a kid, Jamie was vocal about her personal needs. A low-high maintenance little woman, she'd be happy to make anyone her friend, so long as they treated her like one, too. Practically everyone in school was her friend at one point, but at some point, most kids would back away when they realized Jamie's energy could be too much to handle at times. Looking back, it did sadden Jamie, but then again, she understood that they were all kids. It was what kids do. And honestly, Jamie praised those kids for practicing setting personal boundaries so soon. Who would she have been to try to push beyond them?
But these personal boundaries often resulted in Jamie eating with the same two people every day, who at the very least tolerated her, when she was more than capable of making more. But it didn't matter to Jamie, because there was always going to be at least one person who always understood her.
There was a small scare in Jamie's life where she thought she lost him, however.
She remembers that September afternoon, but only in it's vagaries. How she got upset at him and how he wiped her tears for her. While they might've both been a little overdramatic, again, they were kids. And her point still stood; she hated the feeling of betrayal.
So why was she going against her principles now?
Jamie hates the hypocrisy of her actions. They're hypocritical in the same way Juwon claimed this was all for Jamie's good. And if Jamie doesn't want to be like anyone, it's that woman.
Jamie's a good person. At least she hopes she is.
"Did that actually really bother you?" Hoseok asks her.
Jamie looks up at him. "What did?"
"The nickname. Jam Jam."
She shifts in her seat. "Maybe."
"Really?"
Jamie sees how serious his eyes turn for a moment.
She's quick to reassure him. "Okay, I didn't hate the name. But it did make me feel a little stupid," she says.
Hoseok frowns. Jamie can imagine his lips pouting from behind his mask. "Why didn't you tell me that?"
"I'm pretty sure I did," Jamie says. And she did; at the park right before she left Gwangju. But she doesn't feel the need to tell him that. "I didn't stop you because you were my friend." Her only friend, she doesn't say.
Hoseok stares at her, something in his expression telling her he feels guilty. "Jamie..." he starts to say.
But Jamie stops him. "Hobi, I would've stopped you if it really bothered me. It's okay. I didn't mind as much because you were the only one calling me that," she says. "Besides, it doesn't bother me anymore. It's actually kind of funny, to be honest."
"So if I still called you Jam Jam, you wouldn't be mad at me?" he asks, in spite of his guilt.
Jamie eyes him. She releases a long, drawn out sigh, maintaining eye contact the entire time. "Fine. You can call me it and I won't hate you forever."
Hoseok laughs. "I don't like the way that's worded."
"Hey. We can't all be picky. That is my final offer."
"Then I'll take what I can get."
They shake hands to seal the offer, laughing.
Off in the distance, a worker behind the counter yells, "Pickup for Hyemi, order number 134!"
Their laughter dies almost immediately at the sound of her name being screamed for everyone to hear. Their eyes look at each other and widen. Hoseok watches as she gets up and quickly paces towards the counter, ignoring the heads that turn in their direction. Hoseok goes on his phone and pretends he doesn't hear the whispers that begin circling their table.
Five minutes later, Jamie and Hoseok are shoving burgers down their throats. Their masks hang from the side of their face in a way that still conceals their mouths, and their identities, from other customers in the joint.
"Ohmygoddishisshoooowgoooood," Jamie garbles.
Hoseok laughs, watching her eat.
"You still eat like a man," he says.
Jamie eyes move over to his ever so slightly. She squints, eyeing him. "Whuduzzshatmean?"
Hoseok sits up straighter. "I'll rephrase. Society, wrongfully, expects a woman to prioritize pride and etiquette when eating. You, however, have always had a tendency to swallow your food whole." he says.
Jamie swallows her bite. "I have table manners, okay? But how else am I supposed to eat a burger?"
Hoseok nods in agreement. "That is exactly my point. Also, you definitely did not have table manners when we were kids."
Jamie scoffs. "Whatever. I don't understand how you're not swallowing your burger whole," she says, eyeing his burger.
"I can't eat too much. I have to go back to the studio after this," he explains. "I'm just glad you're apparently not being put on a diet."
Jamie's chewing slows ever so slightly. "Well.. I'm not being put on one right now, since nothing is coming up."
"But they normally do put you on one?" Hoseok asks, watching her. He grunts distastefully when she nods.
She swallows her bite. "Technically I'm on one right now, too, but I'm not really following it closely. All they gave me was a specific calorie amount, anyways," Jamie explains, looking at her half-eaten burger. "I don't know. It gets so confusing." she says. She's too busy staring at the food, not eating it, to notice how Hoseok watches her. Something like empathy briefly crosses his features.
Hoseok grabs the ketchup bottle and a napkin sitting at the end of the table. Opening it, he squeezes out the ketchup onto the napkin, forming the shape of a heart. The sight of it pulls Jamie out of her thoughts.
"You draw shapes now?" Jamie asks, smiling as he fills it in.
Hoseok looks back up at her like he waiting for her to zone back in.
"Jamie, of course I can draw shapes. I'm twenty-three."
Jamie rolls her eyes. "Sorry. Just an astonishing sight to see. I'm surprised you can even count to twenty-three."
He smiles at her. Jamie looks at the dimples that form in his cheeks and clenches her first to resist the urge to poke one from across the table. He focuses on filling in the shape, whispering a small "heart~" to himself when he's done in that high pitched voice she remembers. His accent creates a small inflection in the word at the end.
"I used to do that with my ketchup," Jamie says quietly. Hoseok looks up at Jamie again, something bashful dancing in his expression.
"Yeah. I got it from you," he admits. "You don't do it anymore?"
"No, I do. It's just that I didn't know you do it now, too."
It's quiet for a moment as both Jamie and Hoseok stare at the ketchup heart. Eventually, Hoseok pokes at the heart with a fry. "You know, I still do a lot of the things now that I used to do before. I'm still the same Hobi you grew up with."
Jamie keeps staring at the heart. "I know you are," she says, not meaning to emphasize on the 'you' in that sentence.
Hoseok looks up at her again. Before he can question her, he lets his attention shift over to a space behind her, a few tables over. Although his stare doesn't change, something in the air does he looks back at Jamie.
"Jamie, did you drive here?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Can we go inside your car? I think people are taking pictures of us again."
Jamie breath catches in her throat. She doesn't outright look, but sure enough, the cashier is staring in their direction in her peripheral view. The back of a phone is not-so-discreetly being raised in their direction as someone near them pretends to be taking a picture of themselves.
Her eyes widen for a moment, but only for a moment, as she remembers why she's also here. Jamie takes a second to cover it the best she can. She can only hope Hoseok perceived it as a look of shock instead of dread.
"Well, they're already here. Wouldn't it be worse if they watched us leave and go in my car together? They'd assume the worst if it looked like we ran away for privacy or something," Jamie says, trying to appear nonchalant. She silently prays to whatever God exists that her vivid facial expressions don't give her away now.
Hoseok considers it, staring at her. His eyebrows crumple with hesitation, but he nods nonetheless. "True. Also, they'd know what your car looks like."
Jamie agrees, maybe a little too enthusiastically, overcome with relief as he adds another topping onto the cake of lies. Just as quickly, guilt replaces her relief. She hates that she's doing this. Absolutely despises it. But, she unhappily assures herself, good will come from it.
Right?
"Won't your company get upset at you again?"
Oh. Oh God. The guilt is so nauseating that she feels like she might throw up her soda.
Jamie shrugs uneasily. "Won't your company get upset at you?" she asks instead.
Hoseok's head quirks to the side in thought. "They don't really care."
"Then neither does mine," Jamie smiles. She's thankful he looks away and fails to see the way the corner of her lips quiver.
Just then, his phone chimes. Hoseok shimmies it out of his pocket and unlocks it.
"Oh." he says. Jamie watches as he, presumably, reads through a text message. "They're asking where I am."
"You have to go back already?" she asks him. He nods, and in spite of herself, a small part of her deflates at the thought of him going. Hoseok sees this and gives a small sigh.
"But you just finished eating," she says.
"I didn't eat much."
"Are you sure you won't throw up your food or something?"
Hoseok laughs, putting his mask back on. "I'll be fine, Jamie."
He looks around the table, still covered with mostly-eaten food and half-finished drinks. "Do you need me to help you clean up?"
Jamie waves a dismissive hand in the air. "No, it's okay, I got it," she says.
"How much money do I owe you?"
"Hobi, stop it. We're way past that stage," Jamie says, furrowing her brows. "Now go tap dance your heart out or something."
Hoseok laughs airily. He makes his way over to her, leaning over so he's at her level. He raises his little finger between them.
"What are we?" he asks, his face glowing.
Jamie interlocks her pinkie with his. "Against the world," she replies with no hesitation.
As he leaves, Jamie eats the rest of the fries he didn't finish, which are now stale. Her soda has gone cold and tastes like cardboard dipped in water. She sits there, wallowing in both her own self-pity and disappointment. Jamie feels like she ruined their entire lunch, even if Hoseok didn't know it. Every conversation they had, especially ones surrounding their childhood, was bittered by the reality of why she was there in the first place.
Deep in her heart, Jamie knows Juwon's intents are not of her own. Jamie knows she was only here to be with Hoseok. But somehow, even when Juwon wasn't there physically, her presence and control stayed with Jamie. It both infuriates and saddens Jamie. Would little Jamie be happy with herself now?
Now it's Jamie's phone that chimes. She picks it up.
It's a message from Juwon.
We got everything we need. Thanks, Jamie.
Jamie rushes to the restroom as everything, emotions and food, comes up at once.
━━━━━━━━━━━━
a/n:
i made the flashback so dramatic and for what 😭
hey guys on the bright side when hobi leaves for his enlistment i'll still be updating on an old timeline and we can all pretend he never left 😄 & by the time he gets back i'll (maybe) be up to speed 😄😄 (god how crazy would it be if i'm still writing this by then LMAO)
on a serious note, i'm really going to be focusing more on jamie a bit, because i really need to bring her up to speed a bit more :) i mean it when i say her storyline is a LOT denser than min's 😗
also did this chapter make you guys mad at jamie or something because i'm not sure if i portrayed her emotions and motives properly in this. if so i'm sorry.