What would happen
if I punched you in the face
The hinging of your jaw
undone as it breaks
I was wandering the streets by myself, solemnly, so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't realise the person following me.
I turned a corner, walking past a few restaurants and corner shops when I realised there was someone behind me.
I quickened my pace without looking back and before I knew it, my arm had been caught in a firm hold.
I gasped and spun around, ready to defend myself, but the person spoke up "Ha-yoon!"
Standing in front of me was Ryung-gu.
"Jesus christ Ryung-gu, you can't just sneak up on me like that" I huffed out, before remembering why I was out here in the first place and began to walk away, loosening his grip on my arm.
"I know, I'm sorry. I was shouting your name but you didn't hear me and I had no other choice but to stop you."
I turned around once more "Just leave me alone Ryung-gu, why are you even out here? You couldn't seem to give a shit about me before. What do you want?" I said, slightly agitated. Though a part of me hoped he was here to comfort me. To apologise. To tell me everything was going to be okay.
He stared at me, seemingly hesitant "Jun-woong told me to come and apologise." He cleared his throat and looked around, heavily avoiding my gaze.
"Right, of course he did. You clearly don't want to though, so you should probably just leave me be and carry on with whatever you were doing."
"No I-" he stuttered "I should apologise." My breath got caught in my throat. "And I will. I'm sorry Ha-yoon. I was really harsh on you and I shouldn't have been. I know you're still trying to make sense of everything and I'm not being helpful at all."
For a moment, I considered saying 'it's okay' or 'I understand' or even 'apology accepted'. But I didn't want to. Not after the way he's been treating me and Jun-woong. So the words that came out of my mouth were: "You're right. You're not helpful. And as much as I want to accept you're apology and be friendly that's not going to happen because your head is too far up your own ass to actually care." Hoping to get away this time, I attempted to walk away again but he caught my hand.
"Ha-yoon of course I care! I apologised to you, is that not what you wanted?" My shoulders slumped as I let my strong façade falter.
"Yes of course it's what I wanted." I spoke softly, then changed my antics. "But you had to be told by someone to even do it in the first place." I scoffed. "I'm just surprised you managed to get those words out your mouth. "I'm sorry Ha-yoon" damn it does feel great hearing that, but not when there isn't even an ounce of truth behind it! You've been treating both me and Jun-woong like shit ever since we started working here. So he deserves an apology too."
"And I will! But you have to accept it first." I said nothing for a few seconds but he seemed to take my silence as an answer as he got angry at me once more "I shouldn't have even came out here to apologise to you, never mind Jun-woong! If you reacted so ungratefully is he going to aswell?" It was getting heated.
"Ryung-gu-" he cut me off and shook his head. "You know what? Fuck you! Just because you didn't get the answer you wanted you're acting so childishly!"
All those emotions from before had returned. I came outside to walk them off and cool down, but here he is once again firing my fuel. Being the match to my fuse. Testing my limits.
He scoffed "And for the record." He inched towards me, so that we were centimetres apart once more "You were right, I don't care. Not one bit." He spoke with venom. His face was contorted into anger and disgust.
I saw red.
Anger of my own bubbled inside me. Voices telling me to do unholy things. My blood was boiling and so was my skin.
I wasn't able to process what I was doing, from the moment I was staring at him, to the buildup of my frustration, to my fist colliding harshly against his face. He let out a groan and hit hard against the concrete.
I shouldn't have done it.
But I loved every second of it.
"Hm, and I don't care about the state your in right now. Not one bit." People rushed over in concern, asking if he was okay.
I left him there and trudged back to the workplace, meeting up with Koo-Ryeon and Jun-woong who had a sly smile on his face. "So" he spoke up once I sat down "how'd it go?" He grinned cheekily, obviously expecting a good response.
"Horrible."
I turned around to the voice behind me, seeing Ryung-gu clutching his jaw and glaring at me. Jun-woong's smile dropped.
Koo-ryeon stormed over to her friend with concern and frustration. "What happened?"
She spoke bitterly, looking between me and Ryung-gu.
"This bitch punched me."
"Because this bitch provoked me."
"Shut up!" She was definitely fuming. "I've had enough of the two of you constantly bickering. Mr Lim, stop tormenting her! You heard what the director said, we have to look after them and it was you who decided to let them roll with us in the first place. Mrs Jang, you can't physically assault somebody like that, okay? Maybe you should read all the rules and follow them before you're kicked off the team, or worse, kicked out of Jumadeung."
Neither of us said a word.
"Am I clear?" She spoke through her teeth. As we both mumbled a response under our breath. "Good. Now we need to get back to work, come on." She strutted away as usual and left the pair of us embarrassed, dumbfounded and guilty as he also left the room. Jun-woong had both a disappointed and confused look on his face and as we made eye contact, he sighed and walked away. I was the only person in the room before I followed.
"Jun-woong wait up!" He just ignored me and kept walking. "Jun-woong!" I called again, but still no avail. "Jun-woong answer me!"
"Why should I? I sent him to apologise to you and you punched him in the face!" We were now walking side by side as he gave me the cold shoulder.
"You can't seriously me mad at me." I snickered, but he clearly didn't find it funny. "Holy shit, you're mad at me."
"Yuna! You punched him in the face! How could I not be mad at you?"
"He deserved it Jun-woong! If you were there you'd be angry too, it's like with Hye-won when you saw her beating up Eun-bi; you couldn't just stand there and watch, you had to do something about it."
"Yeah but I didn't punch her, Ha-yoon." He spoke exasperatedly.
"I know. I'm sorry." I looked down. I was sorry, but I hated the fact that I had to actually apologise especially since he was the one who coerced me to punch him.
"I know you are." He hugged me. I hugged him back. For the first time since dying, I felt comforted. I felt safe. I soaked it in as much as I could before he let go and smiled at me. "But, we do need to talk later." I agreed as he held my hand and we walked off.
We had finally caught up to the other two as Eun-bi ran out in front of us sobbing.
"Ms. Noh?" Jun-woong called out to her before letting go of my hand and rushing off to follow her up the stairs.
"It's serious." I also glanced down at Ms. Koo's phone and saw that the suicide rate was at 92%. "What should we do?" Ryung-gu asks.
"We stop it." She looked at the both of us "Mr. Lim, you're with me. Ms. Jang, find Jun-woong and make sure he doesn't do anything." I nodded my head and bolted up the stairs.
By the time I had made it to the top, both Jun and Eun-bi were deep in conversation. "No one ever helps because..." she was a mess and my heart broke for her. "...they're scared it'll affect them. It's the same then and now. Nothing has changed. It's like a tunnel with no end. I just can't escape!" She opened the door to the roof top, ready to jump.
There Ms. Koo and Mr. Lim stood, blocking off any chance she could get to jump.
"So... you've decided to jump from the roof and die? Is that really the best way?" She raised her voice and stared. "Okay, then. Die." She caught both me and Jun by surprise as we glared at her in shock and disgust. "If you feel like death is the answer, then die."
Nobody said a word. We wouldn't dare to.
Everyone held their breaths.
Nobody moved. Apart from Eun-bi as she staggered forward. Tiny steps. She was stalling.
"Didn't you already decide to die on your way up? What? Are you scared now that you're here? Or are you whining so someone will notice you're having a hard time?"
"Am I... whining?"
"Are you insane? What are you doing?" Jun-woong was shouting at Ms. Koo, questioning her harsh ways of 'saving' the girl.
"Take him and go." She spoke to Ryung-gu who tried to push him out the door.
"What do you think you... wait! Ms. No!" And just like that, Mr. Lim had succeeded and were now to deal with eachother inside.
I moved to stand beside Ms. Koo, afraid Eun-bi might attempt something again now that there was a distraction.
"With time, you should've forgotten about it. If you couldn't you should've overcome it. You think everything will be over once you die?"
"It'll hurt less than it does now..."
I was debating whether or not to speak up, but once again Koo Ryeon beat me to it. "You're right. It's up to you whether you live or die." She turned around, leaving me in bewilderment but then looked at me and signalled me towards eun-bi.
"Eun-bi..." I began, softly. "You may think dying will solve all your problems, but it won't, trust me. Your legacy won't live on, you're own family line. The memory of you will disintegrate as everyone else in your family dies over time. Is that truly what you want? Because while it might seem like the best option, there are so many reasons to live. To hold on. So many people, who really do care. As soon as you die, those people will live in constant suffering. Always reminded of how their daughter, sister, cousin, friend, whatever had so horridly taken her life and left them all to deal with the consequences. Do you want that?"
She shook her head "You're wrong. People don't care about me."
"I thought that too." I battled what I was going to say next, but decided it was right to talk about in this instance. "Until I tried to kill myself." She looked at me in shock and confusion. "When I was 14, I too, jumped off this very roof. My mom she... she had a meeting here and left me to fend for myself, but the thought of everything in my life led me here. I sat on the edge and listened to the voices in my heart, telling me not to do it and that I was worthy of life. But the voices in my head told me a different story. And I listened to them. Then I jumped."
She furrowed her brows "but... you're so young..." I stepped forward and held her hands.
"I know but it pained me to live with the constant reminder of how shitty my life was. How shitty I was. But it was excruciating as I laid there on the ground and let out my final breath. Thankfully, the doctors had managed to resuscitate me and I woke up in the hospital. Everyone was a mess. They didn't want their sunshine to die, so I never attempted again. It's the exact same for you, you're the sunshine in so many peoples lives. Don't take away their light." It wasn't until after I had finished talking that I realised I was crying too and we were both emotional wrecks. "I care about you and I'd hate to think that a friend that I've just made is going to kill herself the same way I did."
"That's horrible... and I'm really sorry that happened to you... but our lives and our stories are different. Friendships with me were made to be broken."
She let go of my hands and continued to stagger towards the edge once more. My tears were still fleeing from my eyes as I turned around and stood beside Koo Ryeon once more.
She paused in front of the bars and Ms. Koo followed. My hands were shaking and I was trembling, no worse than Eun-bi, but I was in a state of sheer panic. "Try to get over it. If you can't, try harder. Have you ever thought of overcoming it? They bully you because you're weak and because you don't have the will or the bravery to fight. It's because you're an easy target. Your existence itself is a nuisance to everyone."
She started off by being helpful, but went back to bad cop and being the pessimistic bitch she is. Eun-bi had climbed over the bars and stood there. "So what... so... what do you want me to do!" She shouted at Ms. Koo. I would too. "How can you say that to me when you don't know anything? I tried so hard to escape... and live my life. For me, even smiling was traumatic. Do you know how hard I tried to smile again? Do you know what I went through... to endure things for this long? But... it doesn't work."
"Is that so? I'll ask you once again. Do you think everything will end once you die?
"I want to live. I want to live too. I don't want to die. I don't want to die like this either!" My heart was breaking watching her like this.
"Think about the things I've just said. About who said those things. Those are the things you said to yourself every night."
"Who... who are you?"
"We're here to save you. No. We're grim reapers." She took a step forward and Ms. Noh took a step back. Time seemed to move in slow motion as she fell off the edge. I screamed no in hysteria and bolted forward.
"Eun-bi!" I felt immense deja vu as I struggled to watch her fall. All the memories of my own were as clear as day and I crumbled in her gaze knowing I couldn't do anything.
"Go find Mr. Lim and Mr. Choi, I'll save her." With that, I dashed through the door and down the stairs in desperation to find the boys.