Rey was just listening as I told her everything. Kabang-kaba ako habang nagsasalita. Takot na takot na baka pagkatapos nito, magbago ang lahat sa 'min. I was trembling. I wanted to just lay down dahil pakiramdam ko, bibigay na ang mga tuhod ko anumang oras.
Still, I continued telling her everything. I kept on reminding myself that everything would be okay. This is Rey. The woman I love. Hindi ko naman s'ya mamahalin kung hindi ko nakita ang kaibahan n'ya sa lahat.
She's kind and understanding; most of all, I am comfortable with her. As comfortable as I feel when I'm at home with my family.
I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
Nakikinig lang si Rey habang nagsasalita ako. She respected my wish for her not to go near me as I spoke. Natatakot kasi ako kapag malapit s'ya. I was afraid I would just suddenly break down. That I would beg her not to leave me even after this. Kaya pinigilan ko s'ya sa ilang beses n'yang tangkang paglapit sa 'kin.
The consolation I have was the understanding I saw on her face. And it was all that I needed.
Pakiramdam ko, may taong totoong nakakaintindi na sa 'kin sa wakas. Na may taong kaya akong tanggapin nang buong-buo.
Kung minsan ay hindi ko rin mapaniwalaan si Rey. Like how could she accept me just like this? How could she be so kind? Bakit wala man lang akong nakikitang pandidiri at takot gaya ng inaasahan kong makikita sa mga tao kapag nalaman nila ang tungkol sa kondisyon ko?
Maybe, it was because she's a psychologist. But... I could see the love in her eyes as well. The intense love she had for me.
Is she even real? Hindi ba s'ya bunga lang ng hallucinations ko? Hindi ko kasi talaga mapaniwalaan na makakatagpo ako ng katulad ni Rey.
Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagmamahal n'ya para sa 'kin. Pagmamahal ang isinukli n'ya sa magulong buhay ko. Sa kondisyong nagpahirap sa 'kin sa buong buhay ko.
I was so grateful I found her.
I wanted to give her everything.
Sa palagay ko pa nga ay hindi pa sapat ang ginawa kong paghingi ng tulong kay Kuya Kylo na ayusin ang tungkol sa kaso ng nanay ni Rey. I wanted to help her. To ease some of her problems. Ako na lang kasi lagi ang tinutulungan n'ya.
So, I asked Kuya Kylo about it before. I couldn't ask Kuya Creed. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay sasabihin n'ya kay Kuya. Madaldal pa naman ang isang 'yon. Hindi mapigil ang bibig. Buti nga hindi naiinis si Fatima sa kanya.
Ah, si Kuya Kylo nga pala ang inis na inis sa mga katarantaduhan ni Kuya Creed.
But I knew Kuya Kylo could win Rey's mother's case.
"Are you sure you're really okay with... someone like me?" I asked Rey after I dried her hair. Her head was resting on my lap while looking up at me.
She reached for my face. Hindi ko na inalis ang tingin ko sa kanya, hindi katulad kanina na kinakabahan akong tingnan s'ya. I wanted to see her expression.
"I'm really sure, Gray..." she said with a soft voice but her eyes were full of promises. "Infinity percent sure."
Mas lalo lang lumalim ang pagmamahal ko para kay Rey. Wala rin naman akong planong umahon. I would gladly sink myself into this feeling even without knowing its depth. I could drown, yes, but I would feel even more alive drowning. I could breathe more freely.
Wala na 'kong planong pakawalan pa si Rey. I knew I wouldn't be able to find someone like her again. Nag-iisa lang s'ya.
I would do everything to protect her. I would do everything to make her happy. I would even flip the whole world if that was what she wanted.
Nakahanda akong gawin ang lahat para kay Rey. Lahat-lahat.
We decided to have our one-month vacation together. I brought Rey to Japan. I think I was the one who was most excited between us. I wanted to make her happy.
Naikuwento kasi sa 'kin ni Kuya na maganda raw sa Japan at dito n'ya dinala si Artemis. He said he thinks that was also where Artemis fell in love with him. The place was just so wonderful you could feel its romantic vibes. I was hoping that the place would also be good for Rey and me as well.
Please, Japan. Bigay mo na sa 'kin 'to. Pa-in love-in mo rin lalo pa sa 'kin 'yung babaeng mahal na mahal ko.
My alters could feel my excitement and happiness too. Hinayaan ko silang maramdaman lang ang nararamdaman ko. Gadriel and James wanted to formally meet Rey. Pumayag agad ako sa gusto ni Gadriel. Kay James... medyo nag-alangan pa nga ako. Babaero kasi, eh. Baka umandar ang pagiging palikero n'ya kapag kasama n'ya si Rey. Baka magselos si Rey.
But I didn't know that my worries would be the trigger of James fronting this time.
"It'll be okay, Gray..." Gadriel assured me. Hindi kasi ako mapakali. James didn't let me co-con with him. Natatakot akong baka kung ano'ng gawin n'yang hindi magustuhan ni Rey.
"Babaero si James, eh!"
"I wouldn't deny that."
I glared at Gadriel who just smiled at me. Akala ko ba ina-assure n'ya 'ko? Bakit sumang-ayon 'tong babaero nga si James?
Gadriel chuckled.
"Wala s'yang gagawing masama kay Reyziel. He just wanted to meet her. To make sure that she's really a good person and that you're in good hands this time." Gadriel smiled at me. "Pero mukha namang walang magiging problema. Reyziel is indeed a good person."
I stared at Gadriel. Out of all alters, he was the one I liked the most. No. The only one that I like.
"Kahit naman noong una ko pa lang makita si Reyziel, magaan na ang pakiramdam ko sa kanya," he continued. "I knew that she would be good to you. She's good for you. Magiging panatag ako kung sakali mang umalis ako at maiiwan kita kay Rey."
That surprised me. Ilang sandali pa nga akong nakatitig lang sa kanya bago nakabawi.
"You'll leave?"
"Isn't that what you wanted?" His smile was so gentle I knew he didn't mean ill with that question.
Totoo naman, eh. Iyon ang gusto ko. I couldn't even count how many times I wished for my alters to be gone. How many times have I wished that I was a normal person without my alters living inside my head?
"No, b-but... You're good, Gadriel. You're like a brother to me. Mas naging kuya pa nga kita kaysa sa mismong kapatid ko." Hindi ko naitago ang pait sa boses ko.
"Because you didn't give him the chance, Gray... Palagi kang lumalayo bago pa s'ya magkaroon ng pagkakataong iparamdam sa 'yo ang pagiging Kuya n'ya."
I sighed.
"Natatakot akong masaktan ko s'ya ulit. Ni Zeno."
"Then you should talk with Zeno," Gadriel said like it was just so easy.
Mariin akong umiling.
"I can't. I won't. Lahat ng napapalapit sa 'kin, sinasaktan n'ya. I am afraid he'll hurt Rey too."
"Pinoprotektahan ka lang n'ya kapag nararamdaman n'yang nasasaktan ka. You should talk to him. Explain everything. Kasi paano kung masaktan ka habang kasama mo si Reyziel? Tapos aakalain ni Zeno na s'ya ang nanakit sa 'yo."
I shivered at that. It already happened.
That time when Lilac died. I was so hurt to see Rey was hurting, plus the death of our cat. Zeno switched out that time, I know. And then something happened in that parking lot.
"Hindi malabong mangyari 'yon, Gray. Zeno was so angry with Violet before too. Dahil nararamdaman n'ya, namin, na hindi maganda ang naging epekto sa 'yo ni Violet.
Violet... Yes... Lyrae.
Shit... How could I forget about her?
I've totally forgotten about everything she had said to me. Kahit s'ya mismo ay nakalimutan ko rin.
I became too comfortable with everything that happened lately. Too comfortable and safe with Rey. Kaya nakalimutan ko ang tungkol kay Lyrae.
I started to get confused again as I remembered about Lyrae. As I remember the things she always says.
Lyrae said that people would be disgusted at me, that they would feel scared and would see me as a monster when they found out about my condition. Kasi hindi ako normal. Hindi nga naman kasi normal ang pagkakaroon ng mga alter.
Lyrae said that no one could ever accept me, with me being like this. No one, except her. She was the only one who could accept all of me.
I believed that. Kaya nga nang mawala s'ya, hindi ko malaman kung ano'ng gagawin. I was so lost when Lyrae died. I started to isolate myself. Mas gusto ko kasing mapag-isa na lang kaysa pandirihan ng mga tao. Kaysa katakutan ako ng mga taong mahahalaga sa 'kin.
Anxiousness began to slowly creep into me. What if...
No... No. Rey loves me. She loves me.
But... Lyrae also said that nobody could ever love me. S'ya lang.
Did Lyrae lie?
No. She wouldn't. She even protected me. She sacrificed her life for me. And I wouldn't let myself taint her memories and everything she'd done for me.
Ah, shit... I didn't know what to think anymore. My head started to ache. My anxiousness became more intense and fear crept its way inside my chest too.
I should stop.
Zeno... He would—
"You still can't forget about that bitch, huh?"
I gritted my teeth.
"Shut up, Zeno."
He chuckled.
"Ah... I so fucking hate that bitch. She was not good for you, Gray."
"You don't know anything, Zeno."
Mas lalong lumawak ang ngisi n'ya.
"Gray... Gray... My dear Gray..." He tsked. "I'm inside your head. I am you. So, you shouldn't say that to me."
I glared at him but I knew that he could see the fear in my eyes and he looked like he was enjoying it.
"Don't you ever fucking hurt Rey."
"But she's reminding you of that bitch! That's why you're like this again! It just means that she's not good for you! You're hurting again!"
Mas lalo akong natakot sa nakikitang galit kay Zeno. He was full of anger. That's why he was so aggressive. At kapag wala akong ginawa sa galit n'ya, alam kong ibabaling n'ya 'yon kay Rey.
I don't want that. I don't want Rey to get hurt.
"You're wrong, Zeno! Don't just assume things!"
But Zeno just smirked at me.
"What if I told her about that bitch? About your relationship with her and what she means to you. What if I told her that you still can't get over that bitch and that you're using her because she reminded you of her?"
I took a deep breath hoping that the fear wouldn't overwhelm me. That was the last thing I needed to feel right now. I need to protect Rey from Zeno. He will hurt her.
"Zeno, I'm warning you. Don't you ever fucking dare—"
"Oh, I would, Gray," Zeno said with a smirk that was so terrifying it looked like he was planning something that wasn't good. "I would fucking dare."
I couldn't do anything when Zeno switched out. Hindi ko na s'ya napigilan nang sabihin n'ya kay Rey ang mga pinaniwalaan n'ya. He was set on hurting her as he believed she was the reason I was hurting this time. Dahil ang alam n'ya, naaalala ko si Lyrae kay Rey.
Hindi ko alam na ganoong kalala pala ang galit ni Zeno para kay Lyrae. Na gagawin n'ya ang lahat para mailayo ako sa makapagpapaalala sa 'kin sa kanya. He lay low a bit when she died but now that he thought Rey reminded me of her, he was set on hurting Rey too.
I've never even once thought of Lyrae when I was with Rey. I've never thought that they were alike. Nakalimutan ko nga ang tungkol kay Violet habang kasama ko si Rey. I didn't want Rey to know about her as I didn't want her to know that part of my life. 'Yung mga panahong sinaktan ko ang lahat ng mga taong nasa paligid ko.
I thought this vacation would be good for us. I thought it would become one of my best memories amid my rotten life. Because that was what Rey is to me. She was the only right thing that happened in my life.
But I was already too late. Zeno hurt her too. And if I didn't do anything, he would continue hurting her. If I didn't stay away from her, Zeno would probably do something even more horrible.
She became my trigger. Nasasaktan ako kapag nakikita kong nasasaktan s'ya. And Zeno would always get rid of all the things that were hurting me, that he thought wouldn't be good for me.
I didn't want to hurt Rey. Ayokong sa kabila ng mga pinaramdam n'ya sa 'kin, sa mga ibinigay n'ya, sa pagmamahal n'ya, ay sakit lang ang ibibigay ko sa kanya.
I didn't want to break this whole person. She didn't deserve to be ruined just because of me. I wanted her to continue loving people. To continue giving warmth to them with just her smile. Ayokong mawala nang tuluyan ang kinang sa mga mata n'ya.
I might never see her eyes sparkling as she looked at me again.
Kaya kahit na ayaw ko, I needed to do it. I had to stay away. Alam kong hindi lalayo si Rey sa 'kin kahit nasasaktan na s'ya. That's how selfless she was.
Before, when I found out that Kuya had to stay away from Artemis to protect her, it didn't make sense to me. I even thought of him as a fool for leaving Artemis. I knew how much he loved her. And if he really loves her and wanted to protect her, he should just stay with her.
Kasi ako, gano'n ang gagawin ko. Ang sabi ko pa no'n sa sarili ko, hindi ko gagawin ang ginawa n'ya. Hindi ako lalayo sa taong mahal ko. I would do everything to protect her.
But now that I'm here, now that this is happening, it all makes sense. I finally understand why Kuya Hunter did that.
Staying away was the only way to protect Rey. Because I was the reason why she was hurting this much.
This is what I did with my brother anyway. I stayed away from him so Zeno wouldn't be able to hurt him again.
I need to stay away from everyone I love.
Shit... I really want to be normal. Why can't I be normal?
If only I was a normal person, then maybe I could love Rey without any problem. If only I was a normal person, maybe I could stay with her. Maybe I could dream of having a family with her. Maybe I could hope for the future where I could spend the rest of my life with her, with the woman I love.
If only I was normal, then I wouldn't hurt everyone I love like this. I wouldn't have to stay away. I could be with them.
Why do I have to be this way?
The only right thing that happened to my life was now gone. I failed to protect her. I hurt her. Pero mas masasaktan ko lang s'ya kapag ipinilit ko pa ang sarili kong makasama s'ya.
Why is my life like this? Where did everything go wrong?
I was scared that nothing would ever be right again. I was scared to go out anymore. I was scared to meet people. I was scared to hurt anyone again.
What should I do? What should I do?
I didn't want to go out anymore.
The closet! Hide in the closet! The bad guys won't get you!
I looked at the closet that was inside the hotel room.
They won't get you in there! Just like what Mommy said!
Mom?
The closet! Hide and don't come out until Kuya Hunter comes!
I didn't have any idea what happened after that. I felt like I'd been asleep for a long time. That I was in a dark place waiting for someone to find me. Waiting for someone to save me. I was afraid to come out as I knew that danger awaits me in the light.
"Gray..." I heard a voice calling out to me. It was so familiar. "Gray, wake up."
Sobrang pamilyar sa 'kin ng boses. I felt peace hearing the voice. As if I was finally safe.
Kaya naman unti-unti kong idinilat ang mga mata ko. My eyes adjusted to the light before I finally registered the scene in front of me.
I was lying down on the... what it seems couch. Yeah. A couch. May taong nakaupo sa space sa gilid ko at nakatingin sa 'kin. At first, I thought I was just hallucinating. Pero nang ilang sandali ay hindi s'ya nawala sa paningin ko, saka ko na-realize na totoo ang nasa harapan ko.
"Kuya...?"
I tried to sit up. Umayos na rin ng upo si Kuya pero hindi n'ya inalis ang tingin sa 'kin.
"I'll get water."
Napatingin ako kay Artemis na nandoon rin pala. Tumayo s'ya at pumasok sa kusina. That's when it occured to me that I was in Kuya and Artemis' house.
I was in their house! Which means I'm in Manila!
"W-what..." Litong-lito akong tumingin sa paligid bago bumaling kay Kuya na tahimik lang na nakatingin sa 'kin. "Why am I here?"
Hindi sumagot si Kuya. Si Artemis ay bumalik dala ang isang pitsel ng tubig at isang baso. Inilapag n'ya iyon sa coffee table na nasa harap namin.
She walked toward Kuya and put a gentle hand on his shoulder.
"I'll just be in the twins' room."
Saglit na inalis ni Kuya ang tingin n'ya sa 'kin. He took Artemis' hand that was on his shoulder and planted a kiss on the back of her palm. Artemis smiled before she looked at me. She gave me an encouraging smile before finally walking upstairs.
"Gray."
Bumalik ang tingin ko kay Kuya nang tinawag n'ya ang pangalan ko. I couldn't read the expression on his face. Unti-unti akong kinabahan. Natakot sa kung anong iniisip n'ya ngayon.
Shit... Pagagalitan n'ya ba ako? I know I hurt him before and I definitely deserve a scolding for everything I did. Lalo na sa pagtatago ko. Pero natatakot pa rin talaga ako kay Kuya.
I took a deep breath, hoping that he wouldn't notice my nervousness.
"Bakit ako nandito, Kuya? How the hell did I end up in your house?" I asked instead.
He stared at me. It was as if he was trying to find something on my face. Mas lalo akong kinabahan but I forced myself to kill the emotion on my face. The last time we saw each other, I treated him harshly.
Kuya Hunter stared intently at me.
"I already know everything, Gray... I know about your condition."
I wasn't expecting that. Hindi ko na naitago ang gulat sa mukha ko. I saw how Kuya's expression changed as well. He looked hurt. There was guilt in his eyes.
"Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa 'kin?" he eyes. His voice was breaking.
I looked away from him when I felt a lump starting to form in my throat. My hands trembled. Napuno ng mga tanong ang isip ko.
How? How did he find out? Did Rey tell him?
But then, how did I get here? Ano'ng nangyari?
Ah... Kuya found out about my condition. Maybe he met one of my alters? That's maybe why he was able to get me in here. Did he talk with that alter and ask him to go with him?
Who? Who's alter? Gadriel? James?
Fuck... Zeno?
Mabilis akong tumayo. Zeno... If he finds out abaout this, if he switches out, he might hurt Kuya!
Pero bago pa ako makahakbang ay inabot ni Kuya ang braso ko at hinila ako paupo ulit.
"Let go, Kuya!" Sinubukan kong tanggalin ang kamay n'yang nasa braso ko pero humigpit lang iyon. "I shouldn't be in here!"
"No!" Napapitlag ako sa lakas ng boses n'ya. He was even looking at me with a firm expression, as if I couldn't do anything now. "Hindi ko na ibibigay ang gusto mo, Gray. Ako naman ang masusunod ngayon."
"That's not fair!"
"Fair? You really want to talk about fairness? Gray, it was you who wasn't fair from the beginning! I gave you everything you wanted! Gusto mo ng oras para sa sarili mo? Fine! Gusto mong lumayo? Then go! Ibinigay ko 'yon!" He looked so mad that I stopped struggling from his hold. "Hinayaan kitang gawin ang mga 'yon but you used it to get away! You used it to stay away from me! Nawalan ako ng balita tungkol sa 'yo. Hindi kita mahagilap kahit saan. When all I asked from you was to call me!"
My eyes watered. I was scared by his sudden outburst. He looked so mad. I couldn't remember a time when he got this mad at me. Kuya Hunter was the gentle one between us. He was forgiving. He was kind. Minsan lang s'ya magalit at nakakatakot kapag nangyari 'yon kaya naman iwas na iwas talaga akong galitin s'ya.
But he was mad at me right now. Not just mad. He was hurting as well. The pain was so clear in his eyes that I thought I was looking at my reflection in the mirror. Dahil ganoong expression ang madalas kong makita sa 'kin kapag tumitingin ako sa salamin.
He was hurting because of me. It wasn't because of Zeno. It was me. I hurt him this time.
"I won't give you what you want this time. Gagawin mo naman ngayon kung ano'ng gusto ko," he said, gritting his teeth. "You will talk to me right now. You will tell me everything. You will tell me all your problems, Gray. Lahat ng kailangan kong malaman tungkol sa 'yo, tungkol sa nag-iisang kapatid ko, sasabihin mo sa 'kin ngayon."
My tears fell. Hindi ko na rin napigilan ang hikbi ko.
"I can't, Kuya... Hindi pa ako handa."
"Gray, kapag binigyan pa kita ng oras para maging handa, gagamitin mo na naman 'yon para makalayo sa 'kin. I may be a bastard for doing this, for forcing you to tell me everything, pero ito na lang ang paraang nakikita ko. I already gave you the gentle way, now let's do this the harsh way."
Umiling-iling ako. I can't. I can't tell him. I don't want to see the disgust in his eyes. I don't want him to be scared of me. Kapag si Kuya ang lumayo sa 'kin, baka hindi ko na kayanin.
He was right, I am unfair. Dahil mas gugustuhin ko nang ako ang lumayo kaysa si Kuya pa kapag nasaktan ko na naman s'ya.
Kuya Hunter let go of my arm but his stance told me that if I ever plan of fleeing away, I wouldn't be able to dahil hindi n'ya ako hahayaan.
"Gray... C'mon..." Kuya's voice sounded so gentle. "Just tell me."
I looked down as I shook my head. I bit my lower lip stopping my sobs.
I couldn't look him in the eye. I don't think I deserve to even look at him after what Zeno did. Kapag naaalala ko ang mga iniwang marka sa katawan n'ya sa bawat hagupit ng latigo na ibinigay ni Zeno sa kanya, hindi ko maiwasan ang masaktan.
My tears fell like a waterfall. I felt so guilty. I loved my brother so much. How could I let Zeno hurt him?
"C'mon, Gray..." I felt Kuya's gentle hand on my back. "Tell them to me. Tell me everything."
I shook my head again, wiping the tears off my face.
"Ano'ng problema ng bunso namin, huh?" Kuya's voice croacked. "Tell them to me. Dump everything on me."
A sob escaped from my lips hanggang sa maging hagulgol iyon. I was crying like a child sobbing as I cried so loud. Hinahagod ni Kuya ang likod ko pero mas lumalakas lang ang iyak ko.
"It's okay, Gray... It's okay," he said, trying to soothe me.
I shook my head.
"No, Kuya. It's not okay," I said between my sobs. "Walang okay sa lahat ng nangyari sa buhay ko!"
I looked at my brother whose eyes were damp with tears as well. He swallowed so hard and I knew he was trying to stop his tears.
"It was your fault! Everything was your fault!" My chest hurts so much. "Palagi mo 'kong iniiwan noon. Kahit sobrang bata ko pa no'n, Kuya, iniwan mo na 'ko. Nu'ng namatay sina Daddy at Mommy, mas inuna mo pang sumama sa mga kaibigan mo kaibigan mo kaysa samahan ako nu'ng gabing 'yon."
Hindi na ako makapagsalita nang maayos sa sobrang paghikbi ko. My heart felt like there was a hand clenching it. Ang sakit-sakit ng dibdib ko.
"I was so young. I was just a kid back then and I needed my family to guide me." I sobbed. "Naiintindihan ko naman na gusto mong bigyan ng hustisya ang pagkamatay ng mga magulang natin. Pero mas gusto kitang makasama, Kuya... Mas importante ka sa 'kin kaysa sa paghahanap ng hustisya para kina Mom at Dad."
"Gray," Kuya's voice sounded like he was also on the verge of crying.
"Only our parents died that night. Pero pakiramdam ko, nawala ka rin nu'ng gabing 'yon, Kuya... Pakiramdam ko, nawala 'yung buong pamilya ko sa 'kin kasi mas madalang na kitang makasama pagkatapos no'n." Tumigil ako sandali para huminga. "I felt so alone. I did everything on my own. I had to learn how to tie my necktie over a video tutorial. I wanted my brother to receive my medals and my achievements with me. But I received them on my own. Alone."
I was sobbing so hard and already had a hard time breathing so I had to stop talking. Hinayaan lang ako ni Kuya na pakalmahin ang sarili ko. I wiped tears off my face and looked at him. His eyes were red because of unshed tears. I saw him swallow hard a lot of times. Kitang-kita ko rin ang sakit sa mga mata n'ya.
It's okay... I never meant to tell him all of these. Pero hindi ko na kinaya. I was hurting so much, confused, and scared as he knew now about my condition. I probably need to tell him all of this as well.
Now was the right time.
"I pretty much learned everything over the internet when it should've been from you, Kuya... especially when I was a curious teenager. And most especially when I consulted a psychiatrist." Muling nanlabo ang paningin ko. "You should've been there with me when I felt so scared because I have no idea what was happening to me. You should've been there when I found out about my condition. Pero wala ka sa mga panahong 'yon, Kuya. Wala ka noong natatakot ako. I had to endure all of it. Alone."
"I'm sorry, Gray..."
I looked him in the eye.
"I hated you, Kuya... I hate you. Kasi gano'n kadali lang para sa 'yo na iwan ako. Gano'n kadali na parang wala kang pakialam sa 'kin. Wala kang pakialam kahit nabuhay akk nu'ng gabing 'yon. I hated you so much." I sobbed as tears fell down my eyes again. "Pero mahal na mahal pa rin kita, Kuya. I joined the EL Ordre just to be with you. Ni wala nga akong pakialam kung manganib ang buhay ko. Ang gusto ko lang makasama na sa wakas ang kapatid ko. And that there was finally something we could talk about. Because you're the only family I have left, Kuya..."
I saw tears fall down from my brother's eyes. Itinukod n'ya ang mga siko sa dalawang tuhod n'ya bago ibinaon ang mukha sa mga palad. I saw how his shoulders shook as he cried silently. Inilayo ko ang tingin sa kanya nang muli akong maiyak.
My heart was still aching but strangely, hindi ko na masyadong nararamdaman ang paninikip noon.
"I'm sorry, Gray..."
I looked at my brother again. When he removed his hands from his face, I saw so much hurt and regret in his bloodshot eyes.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry."
"Nasaktan din naman kita, Kuya..."
He shook his head.
"I deserve it—"
"No, Kuya... Hindi rin naman kita ginustong saktan ko. Hindi kita gustong saktan."
"I don't know what I can do. I understand your hate. I understand your anger. Napabayaan naman talaga kita, Gray. And all I could do was regret everything." He swallowed. "I'm sorry if I hurt my little brother when I should've been there with him."
Muli akong napahikbi. Hinawakan ni Kuya ang mga balikat ko at tinitigan ako sa mga mata.
"There was nothing we could do for all the time we've lost, Gray. But I promise, I promise that from now on, I will always be here with you."
Napahagulgol ako.
"Kuya..."
"I will help you with your condition. We will get help, okay? So, you can be better. So, you can live normally. Hahanap tayo ng makakatulong sa 'yo."
"Kuya, mahihirapan ka—"
"I don't care. I'll still be with you. We will always be together from now on. Babawi ako sa bunsong kapatid ko simula ngayon, hm?"
Kuya wiped my tears pero muli lang bumuhos 'yon. I was sobbing. I saw him give me a gentle smile.
"I promise, Gray... Hindi na ako mawawala sa tabi mo simula ngayon." His eyes were full of certainty and promises.
Malakas akong napahagulgol nang yakapin ako ni Kuya. I was crying for all the time we'd lost. I was crying for all those moments I wished he was with me. I was crying for all the pain I felt. I was crying for all those fears I endured alone. I was crying for the regret I've felt when I hurt him.
But most of all, I was crying in relief. He's finally here with me.
My brother is finally here with me now.
Hindi na ako matatakot ngayon dahil nandito na s'ya.
I wouldn't be scared now, even if I have this condition. Because Kuya Hunter is here with me.