But we're a million worlds apart
And I don't know how I would even start
* * *
Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into a month of hiding and lying. Yes, we've already reached this far, a month of crap and nonsense, a month of mixed happiness and sadness.
Chan went back to Busan with Soyeon Noona, while I kept myself busy at work. I'll probably get a raise at this point, honestly.
If you were to ask me how I felt now that we've already reached this far, well, I guess I felt crap. I still feel like crap. First of all, Chan is not with me; he's in fucking Busan with his fiancée, and the only time we could meet is when he has to drive Soyeon Noona home to visit her parents. That's kinda a good thing because she usually visits twice a week. However, that doesn't give the assurance of Chan hanging out with me because Soyeon Noona's family really likes Chan; they always want him with them.
Secondly, the fact that he lives with her — his fucking fiancée — really pisses the shit out of me. No, I never hated Noona; she's really kind, sweet, and very talented, but the fact that she has him, I don't know, I just hate that fact. Lastly, I hate that every time Chan is here, he has to leave shortly.
This is hard. I really want to be with him, but I can't. The only thing that makes this thing a lot easier is because everyone knows that we're friends, we're best friends, so no one would suspect. It's a big convenience that we can still be seen by anyone being together, but having the title of being his best friend hurts. People think that we're just friends, but we're not actually in that kind of relationship anymore, and I hate being limitedly addressed to that category.
But of course! What could I do? I'm still the fucking side whore, I'm still the secret lover, I'm still the one that would look like the desperate bitch that forced himself onto a guy that is already taken, let alone, a bloody engaged dude. I'm still the bad guy.
So, yes. I don't feel good about anything even knowing his feelings for me. It doesn't really make anything good. I feel relieved that he likes me back, but I feel horrible doing this whole thing. Am I too desperate? Am I selfish?
I'm so used to being the goody-two-shoes guy, and this situation is just breaking my heart and mind, everything. Am I doing this right? Or am I just really trying to make myself feel better by thinking that Chan likes me and not Soyeon Noona anymore? Am I just trying to deny my wrongdoings? I really don't know; I am so conflicted.
I was having a battle in my head when I heard my doorbell ringing. I stood up immediately; this must be Chan. He texted me that he'll be here today.
Quickly, I opened the door wide, expecting to see Chan only to be greeted by a wide, beautiful smile from a very beautiful lady whom I hadn't seen for quite a long time now. "Ryujin, what brings you here?" I greeted, mirroring the same wide smile to welcome her.
"I just thought if you won't mind me hanging around for a bit? If it's okay," she shyly asked. I opened the door even wider and gestured for her to come in. "You are very much welcome," I said as she entered the room.
We walked inside my house, going directly to the couch like we normally do when we were still together. Will she take long? What if Chan arrived and she's still here? What do I tell Chan?
"I haven't heard from you for a while," she cut my train of thought as she started a conversation with me.
"Been busy with work. Would you like coffee or your favourite, hot chocolate?" I asked her. A smile formed on her face then answered, "You pick for me, whatever you think would make me happy to have," she answered, smiling.
"Hot chocolate, coming." She giggled while I rushed myself to the kitchen to prepare her snacks and make her chocolate drink.
I went back to the living room after a while, a hot chocolate and a small plate of cookies in my hands. "Here you go," I offered her.
Ryujin giggled, and I sat beside her. "How are you?" I asked this time.
She stared at me for a brief second and spoke, "So you want me to be honest or would you want to hear the sugar-coated excuse I made on my way here for this certain question?" We both giggled at that. I reached for her hands and slightly squeezed them with mine, "I'd like to hear the truth, please." I answered.
She stopped for a second, her gaze straight into my eyes. "I missed you," she gently spoke. "I am feeling a lot better now, but I still miss you, Felix." With that, I smiled.
This is breaking me. How genuine and pretty she looks in front of me, I couldn't stop myself from reaching for her face, brushing her hair to the side that was blocking her face. "You are doing everything just fine, Ryujin. I'm glad to know that you're feeling at least better now," I answered, which made her hum in agreement.
"I actually came here to tell you that I'm moving to New York," my eyes widened as I looked at her, surprised. "Really?"
"Yes. I figured I have to leave or I'll be stuck having thoughts of getting back with you. I just can't get rid of thoughts of you, Lix. I remember you everywhere I go, but I don't really want myself to end up running back to you because I was the one who suggested us to break up, and I want you to be happy."
"Ryujin, if my happiness is the reason why you're leaving, you don't need to do that. If you're doing something, please do it for yourself. Do it because you want it and not because of me. You've already done enough for me."
"I know. I'm choosing myself right now, Felix. That's what I want you to see, that's why I came here. I'm happy for letting you go, I just miss you sometimes. You know my love for you will never change; we can't deny the fact that I once dreamed of us marrying someday. Our love for each other brought us here, in what we are today and what we have. I want to show you that I am okay and I'd like to move forward for my own, and get the dream job I always wanted to have but couldn't have because of certain circumstances, but I can now, though. I just want to let you know because I know this is what exactly what you want for me," she lovingly smiled, tightening her hold on my hands, making me return the smile on hers.
"I am so proud of you. I'm happy to know that you're moving forward," I happily said. It's true, I'm happy for her. Honestly, it feels like she's moving forward while I, instead of moving forward or at least just staying, ended up moving backward in life so I'm really proud of her.
"Now, I want you to be honest too. How are you these days, really?" Now it was her time to ask me the same question. I pause for a second, thinking of what exactly should I tell her because for sure she'll probably get mad once she hears all the silly stuff I've been doing this entire time we broke up.
I mean, no one probably likes to know how your straight ex-boyfriend ended up having an affair with his guy best friend, who is by the way an engaged man, right? And to top it all, she's friends with his fiancée.
"If I'll be honest, I'm not really in the best situation either. But, I'm trying to figure things out and make things better for me. Aside from that, I'm okay; the job is still as busy as ever." I answered. She gave me a worried gaze but still tried to smile reassuringly, "Take care of yourself, Felix. Please, don't make me regret letting you go."
I looked at her admiringly, seeing her now makes me realise how undeserving I was for her love; she's just so genuine. I am grateful she broke up with me. "Your heart will heal in time; you'll forget about me eventually and open your heart to someone that is much more deserving of your love. I've been thinking of this for some time now, but I realised how undeserving I was for your love and attention; you deserve so much better, Ryujin. I'm really relieved that you're moving forward," I spoke, giving her a small smile, but she returned it with a worried gaze.
Ryujin reached for my hands and slightly squeezed them, "I let go of you to give you freedom to do things that would make you happy. I let go of you to chase your happiness, Felix. Seeing you right now doesn't make me feel good about my decision now. Your eyes speak louder than what you think they would; please be happy for me, please be happy for yourself and move forward just like what you want me to do. Toughen up, move forward, and be happy. I want you to choose yourself and your happiness because I chose that for you as well over anything else. Choose yourself," said Ryujin, all serious and worried visible on her face. I don't know what I did to deserve her even just as a friend now.
This is when I realised how lucky I was to be once hers. I feel undeserving of her love, but I'm really lucky to have a spot in her heart after all I've done. Choose yourself. It's such a simple phrase but carries so much meaning.
Ryujin and I stayed on the couch, talking about both our plans, especially hers once she's in New York, until I heard the door of my flat click, implying someone arrived. Footsteps neared them until finally, a voice called out, making both me and Ryujin look in his direction, "Felix?" He called out.
Shit.
2024.02.29
strayradish_